You Are Not Alone!

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend!!!  I sure did!

I recently received an e-mail from my youngest reader yet (that I know of!). She is 16. While I don't know what it is like to be closeted at 16 at this time and era, I do know what it is like to be a closeted 16 year old. It really sucks.

All I can say, and repeat from the mountain tops:  You are NOT ALONE!!!

You might feel alone, because you might not be able to speak about being who you truly are to just anybody.  It's hard to find someone you can truly trust sometimes.  But I promise, with prayer the Lord will help direct you to someone you can confide in, someone you can trust...but until that happens, I'm alway here!!

I am so honored that you, my readers are trusting and reaching out to me. I feel so blessed to hear from you and help...I hope I'm helping!

Also, there are MANY groups on Facebook that revolve around supporting fellow LBGT and LDS people.  The groups are usually closed or private which means it won't show up on your page as being part of the group...there are some open groups too, so be careful which group you join if you want to remain incognito.

Have a wonderful week!  Love to you all!!!

Jessie

So Much On My Mind!

Hello my beautiful readers! I hope this Father's Day finds you in good health and spirits!

So, apparently my last two blog post didn't actually post! Oooops! Sorry! I'm still here!

We've had a very busy few months as a family and me on a personal level! Trying to still breathe while treading water is hard!

I even have an interview for my blog (yes! You'll be able to hear me!) Hopefully in the near future! The interviewer and I keep setting up times and something keeps happening!  Gah! Stay tuned!

Busy, busy, busy!

Also, I've had a few emails in regards to the Ordained Women and the discipline hearings they've been summoned to (aka possible excommunication.) I'm still mulling over my  response to all of it. So, hopefully in the next day or two!

All my love,

Jessie

Judge Not/Happy Holidays

This time of year, I celebrate Christmas. I have friends that celebrate Yule, Hanukkah, and other numerous holidays that happen this time of year.

I'm seeing all this stuff lately about so much hate, and it saddens me greatly. People are getting really judgy over some people's personal choices...even though it has no effect in their personal lives.

For example,

I recently had some new ink done on myself. I went from one tattoo to three. They all have wonderful meanings and are very symbolic of things that are very important to me.  While tattoos are not encouraged, they are not against our Mormon laws. I've seen many older men in the temple with tattoos on their hands...usually do to being in the military.  If they're allowed in, why can't I?  There is no reason that I cannot be allowed my temple blessings. My body is a temple, mine just has some stained glass windows. :-)

Well, of course I'm getting some flack for all of this...even from family...but I have one family member in particular (who I rarely see and rarely talk to.) She likes to look at all my facebook stuff I post and then talk shit about me to other family members behind my back. They've even warned my mom that I'm not following the path that I should, that they're worried about me.

She decided to passively aggressively post an article on her facebook knowing good and well I'd read it. It was about Tattoos and Mormons...she put something along the lines of "Well said! Exactly what I think many people are forgetting anymore. We just have to follow the words of our prophets."

Words of our prophets indeed.  So, I was chatting with my sister about this and she told me to re-read this General Conference talk by President Uctdorf  The Merciful Obtain Mercy.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from the talk.

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

I love you all so much. I relish in your strength and individuality. You are all so beautiful inside and out!!

God loves you, and I love you!!

Happy Holidays!

<3

Jessie

Unashamed Desires

Okay, so I'm so sorry again to be offline for so long. I haven't been ignoring, I swear!  This has been a year a sickness man!  My son got really sick (never does!), then went into croup with my two-year-old that landed us in the ER it was so bad...and this bug that has been going around giving kids croup has been giving adults a 3 stage flu...apparently I'm in the 3rd stage...and it sucks! What's fun is watching people gawk at you while you're tossing your cookies outside of Walmart because you needed some more meds. GAH!

But I digress...A friend of mine and I have been sending youtubes back and forth of some good songs we thought the other might like.  I sent her today an old Missy Higgins song called "Steer".  Upon looking up that video, I discovered some videos that I have the album to, but haven't seen the video for.

I have heard this song "Unashamed Desires" dozens of times and the power of the song never hit me until I saw the video. If you've read my Bi and Gay Musicians post, you'll know that Missy is Bisexual.  Take a listen and watch the video. Both male and female dancers slowly and sensually strip her to almost nothing, while she repeats "I've got nothing to hide." in the middle she says "Oh, and I'm, not afraid to love, not afraid to love, unashamed desires" at the very end she sings "I don't want to waste my time holding down the truth, I've got everything to win, only pain to lose. This is my unashamed desire."

This is my hope and wish for us all. That it is like she sings UNASHAMED!!!  <3 Jessie

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

Bi and Gay Musicians Part 2

Alrighty, since my first Bi and Gay Musicians post is by far the most popular on my blog, I went through my iPod and computer more thourghly, as I have over 3,000 songs in there and about 5,000 on my computer.

This list is not all inclusive, there are many more, these are more artists that are on my iPod! I found this list at Topgaysongs.com which is a fabulous website in general and gave a few good giggles!

Adele-I was surprised by this one, i thought she was straight and she just recently had a little boy. While she has a great voice, people are just playing her too much...so, I do have Rolling On the Deep, but I don't have that on my most played list.

David Bowie-from Labyrinth to "Rebel, Rebel" I just love him! "Golden Years" is my favorite song! He is married to a woman, but they have both admitted to being Bi.

Tracy Chapman-"Revolution", "Fast Car" and "Give Me One Reason To Stay Here" are on heavy rotation.

Vanessa Carlton-I'm a HUGE Joni Mitchell fan, not so much Vanessa, but when I heard her singing "Big Yellow Taxi" with Counting Crows,  I had to get it!

Elton John-brilliant man! If I need to say anything about him, get out of your closet a bit more! Lol. "Candele in The Wind", "Benny and the Jets", "Rocket Man" and "Tiny Dancer" are all on rotation!

Lady Gaga-yes, I have a few Lady Gaga songs...and "Born This Way" is my favorite, my mom even likes this song! If you've seen any of her videos, you won't be surprised that she is bi.

Sophie B. Hawkins- more of a one hit wonder...but I have "As I Lay Me Down to Sleep" love it!

Joan Jett-who is surprised by this?! I sure am not! My friend and I love her, one day she ran into her in a tiny Nevada city called Wendover (Utah-Nevada border.) Sent me a picture with Joan Jett with the caption "Ran into Joan Jett! She totally tried to hit on me!" Lol! And I must say, I do a good version of "I Hate Myself for Loving You." That I did with a former band I was in!

Janis Joplin- this one surprised me. All of her songs indicate a man...but, it was the 60's and being gay was still pretty taboo.  Bobby Magee and Piece of My Heart are my favs!

Mika-Never was surprised by this. I have his first album, love it...he tries so hard to be Freddie Mercury...even has lyrics that say "I tried to look like Grace Kelly,  but all of her looks are too sad. So I tried a little Freddie. I've gone identity mad." And another song called "Big Girl, You are Beautiful" (which I love) reminds me of "Fat Botton Girls".

Sinéad O'Connor-"Nothing Compares To You" one hit wonder turned activist.

Dusty Springfield-makes you think a little bit different in "Son of a Preacher Man" lol. Sadly, she died in 1999 from breast cancer.

Tila Tequila-I have one song of hers from the "Across The Universe" soundtrack where she sings the Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". Where she plays a lesbian trying to figure out who she is and trying to come out and she does in the film during the song "Dear Prudence". I guess she also had a MTV reality show about her falling in love...eh.

Do you have any of these guys on your playlist? Let's hear it!

<3
Jessie

Organ Donation, DOMA!

Sorry guys!  We have had a busy month!

I've been dealing with (still) female problems, hopefully they'll be fixed soon, other family health problems, vacations and our exchange student leaving. We're going to miss her greatly. She was a GREAT kid and she will always be apart of our family!!

Hopefully, I'll start writing again more!!!  I'm finding this summer is stacking up to be a busy one, we're going to be gone a bunch for medical appointments (the one thing that sucks about living in a smaller city...having to travel 4 hours one way to get the medical help you need!)

AND my brother just got told that "within 12 hours or 3 months from now, you'll be getting you kidney." And I'm just so giddy!!  He's been on dialysis for over 10 years now!!!  I just wish they had a better time frame, like "be here at 5 am on July 17th"...but obviously we don't know when someone will die and keep giving back after they die with the use of their organs.

My mom used to be against organ donation and was a little upset when I chose to be one on my drivers license at 16.  It changed when my brother needed a kidney.  She was under the unwritten LDS "law" that says everything needs to be in one place for things to be whole in the resurrection.  My grandpa was always very adamant about it...I remember thinking "But what about soldiers or victims that lose an arm or a leg, if their not buried with it, they won't be whole?" My family has always been big on no cremation.  Before my dad died, he said he wanted to be cremated (something that I would like...I don't want to rot in a box).  So, we did...my grandpa threw a fit.

I'm grateful to those that are organ donors, that will be or already have.  There is still something beautiful that comes out of a horrific event such as a loss of life. But I'm grateful that some time soon, someone will be giving my brother a better chance and living longer...all because they put "Organ Donor" on their ID card.

And let's hear it for the Supreme Court! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Yay!!  Thanks for seeing that marriage belongs to all!!

Take care!!

<3
Jessie

Christian Based Businesses, The True Love of Christ

I heard in the news a few months ago about a Christian bases bakery back east that had no problem selling cookies and pasteries to anyone...however, when a lesbian couple who loved the bakery and wanted him to make a cake for their up and coming wedding, he refused saying it's against his beliefs.  I believe there is a current lawsuit out against him.

I'm hearing more and more stories like this.  Are we really going backwards now where we'll need a separate water fountains for gays? What about bisexuals? Do I get to use both?  Transgender? *smacks forehead*.

Today, on the radio I heard (and have heard before) of a proud computer store in town that is proud to be and has always been a "Christian based company".

I'm REALLY wanting to test just how "Christian" they really are.  I have a friends that would, I'm sure be willing to go into the store holding my hand, pretending we're a couple and seeing the reaction of it.

The reason I'm bringing this up is, I'm sick of people claiming to beleive in Jesus and being total hypocripts about what Jesus taught.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." I could go one for hours about the wuotes of loving one another.

When every one called the lepers "unclean" or called the prostitutes "whores"...what did Jesus do? He hung out with them, he blessed them. He didn't care what they were doing or how they got there. He didn't care about being "associated" with them.

But, for some reason people think that by associating or helping gays that they are infact going against the teachings of God...

NO!  That couldn't be farther from the truth...if that were true, if we were supposed to shun everyone we thought were sinners....we'd end up shunning everyone, including ourselves.

We are here to help one another as brothers and sisters to get back to our Heavenly Father and Mother. We are here to help bring each other celestial glory.

How can you do that by shunning someone because they're gay? It my opinion, you can't!

Take care...of EVERYONE!!

<3

Jessie

We Will Marry Your Girlfriends/Boyfriends

Hello!  I thought I had posted these, but I guess I didn't.  I watched these a while ago and just was laughing so hard!  There are a few swear words and a few sexual references...but hey, this is a blog about dealing with sexuality, so if you're this far into my blog, you should be used to it by now! lol  Enjoy!

Dream Interpretation

Wow, well, what an intense self examination that was.  So much so, I won't go into full detail over it.

I went to www.dreammoods.com for this.  They have a plethora of details to go through.  Even the smallest detail can have a big significance.

But, basics of my dream was saying I am comfortable with the path I am currently on, but I am afraid of being exposed and having what I am used to misconstrue my thoughts and actions.  I am accepting of my love, my life and myself.  I am being reassured by friends and family about all of this.

How interesting that an intense sexual dream can mean so many other things?!  Pretty cool, no?

Anyhoo,

Hope you're having a good week so far!

<3

Jessie

Intense Dreams

So, here's another inside look.  We are told we are to purge all bad and impure thoughts from our minds...but what happens when those thoughts invade our dreams?

When I dream, I'll usually remember vaguely what it's about, whether good, bad.  The ones I tend to remember are those of a sexual nature.  Those I usually remember in full color, down to the last detail of who it was, and what was done.  Apparently my subconscious is a depraved deviant.

Well, I've dreamed just about everything...my husband, another guy, another girl, threesomes, down to an orgy or two.  One even involving a Nun and a vibrator (no, I wasn't with her...long story, but funny)  I always wake up thinking "Wow."

I've had some of these dreams interpreted before, and they are really accurate with what is going on in my life.  So, I'll do some research and post it after this one.

Well, I was living/dating this girl that was a mix of about three people I know in real life.  The funny thing is, she was so NOT my type at all.  But, we were getting married later that day.  We were getting ready...apparently I was the "butch one" because I was wearing pants and she was in a white dress.  I remember seeing my husband and my kids there.  They were happy for me.  I remember thinking "we're divorced, but he's still my best friend."  We had the wedding at and LDS church, but it wasn't by a Bishop, it was a woman that married us.  The rest of it was filled with friends, family and a party.

Then the wedding night came...I won't go into detail...but let's just say, I remember every.single.detail.

Did I enjoy it?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty about it? Yes.  But how can you feel guilty about something you have no control over?

Dream interpretation to follow!

<3

Jessie

As I Have Loved You: Religious Tolarence

My parents have always taught me a healthy respect of other religions. While we have always been LDS, we've never not been someone's friend due to their religious beliefs.

One time, in 5 grade, I was at recess swinging on the swings with a friend when she said, "My dad said I can't be your friend anymore because you're Mormon."  I remember saying, "Well, do you like me?  Let's still be friends and not tell your dad." to which she agreed, though we didn't play as much as we used to.  I remember feeling a little hurt by it, but I was still too young to understand.  In later years, I realized how messed up it was.

I have Pagan, Hindu, Buddhist, Islamic, every form of Christianity, Wiccan, Atheist, Agnostic...I could go on and on.  I've felt that if you're a good person, it doesn't matter your beliefs.  My parents even lived in the Middle East for a time, so I have a deep respect for the Islamic Faith.

A few years ago, when finishing my degree, I took a World Religion class to fill up some electives.  I was enthralled.  I learned a couple of truths, every religion has truth and kindness in it and more often than not, the things we see are man's version of the words of God, they have been twisted around for a person's benefit.

So, I wanted to shed some light on a few religions that have a lot of misunderstandings.  Like every religion, the nuts and the fringe proclaimers of one religion steal the spotlight from true followers.

Islam.  This is what cracks me up the most, fearmongers claim Islam is not a good religion, that Allah is a vengeful, horrible God....guess what?!  They believe in the God of Abraham.  They believe in Christ...their book (The Q'uran) was written by the Prophet Muhammad.  In the Q'uran, Muhammad gave women the right to vote, to own land, he stopped infanticide (As a culture, they would kill baby girls to make way for a son)...he did this over 500 years before the US was even thought of!  While there are some passages about "killing infidels  those are ALWAYS taken out of context.  In the Bible, there are passages that are similar.  True believers and followers of Islam think it's horrible what the extremists are doing "In the name of God."

Buddhism: The 8 Fold Path is a beautiful one, very peaceful, very respectful.  Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Effort, Right Concentration, Right Mindfulness.  The story of the Buddha and The Bodhi Tree is very similar to that of Christ in the wilderness for 40 days fasting and being tempted by Satan.  In the Buddhist story, it when Mara, the Lord of Desire tempted him.

Taoism: The Yin and Yang symbol, everyone's seen it.  The basics are "There are opposing forces, and life will result when they unite.

Paganism:  "Dirt loving hippies" is a common term used.  They are very in touch with nature with, the spirit of nature, they see beauty and gods/goddesses in all.  This year we are studying Lorenzo Snow in Relief Society, a few weeks ago, there was a quote with him saying "Our Mother Earth".  There have been talks about the earth being a living spirit.  We are the stewards of the earth.  We have been commanded to take good care of our earth.  Being in tune and loving nature, respecting it is a common goal we should both share.

Wiccan: While all wiccans are pagans, not all pagans are wiccans.  Wiccan is a witch/warlock, plain and simple.  The misunderstanding is the different "colors" of wiccans.  People assume all wiccans are into evil.  Yes, there are dark wiccans.  They are not nice people...but, the wiccan's main statement is basically "What you do unto others, you will receive back 3 fold."  So, it's a very karmic circle, most wiccans are very peaceful ones.  The rituals or "spells" that involve weird looking things are normally protection spells, weather spells, etc...it is their form of prayer.  Do we not pray for protection and rain?

I could go on for years about many others, but I wanted to focus on a few that have REALLY had a bad rap lately.

Hope you enjoyed, learned something new, learned that with any religion, there is beauty and idiots.

<3

Jessie

Nudity: Tasteful Beauty or Disgusting Porn?

I've always appreciated the nude form.  I love looking at oil paintings and sculptures depicting beautiful women with nothing on, sitting near a tub or on a bed.  I've never thought it to be "inappropriate" or "pornographic".  Even males, Michelangelo's David is one of the most famous sculptors around.  Yet, you hear people whisper there should be a fig leaf attached to his penis.

While, I do think some nudity is tasteless, it's not to the degree people would think.

I'm a musician and LOVE musicals.  I'm also a huge Beatles fan.  So, needless to say when the movie "Across The Universe" came out, I was super excited to see it!  I absolutely LOVED it!  It took a very intimate look at the youth in the 60's and 70's.  There was one scene where the leading female's breast are exposed while sleeping and the leading man sitting nearby was painting and glanced over to see her gently sleeping.  He goes on to sing the song "Something".  To me, it was just amazing and beautiful.  Have you ever had a lover look at your naked form and there is nothing but amazement, love, rapture in their eyes?  That's what that scene did for me.

Then, the week following it coming out, I heard people tearing it down for that moment of, what I thought was a pure, beautiful expression of love.  They said it wasn't needed, it was shameful, it was downright horrific.

It sadden me.

Yes, in the LDS faith, we are taught to cover ourselves, to be modest.  Indeed I am.  I wear my garments day and night, the exceptions are when I'm cycling or wet (swimming to showering.).  But, I think sometimes it is taken too far.  Being modest doesn't meaning closing the door completely on sensuality or sexuality, it just means we need to understand and respect it.

God made these bodies...complete with the parts that people find "gross and embarrassing".  But the thing is, it isn't.  It is beautiful, raw, amazing.  I believe it is a very profound and wonderful connection between you and your spouse.  Not something to be ashamed of!

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging you to go out and have sex by any means.  Just to have a better, healthier understanding.

Don't think it's wrong or shameful.  We think God is beautiful, we think his creations are beautiful.  We are his creations too, therefor we are beautiful.  Remember that, respect it, live it.

You.Are.Beautiful.

<3

Jessie

A Great Loss

Ok, so I think overall, this is a good thing...but I'll explain in a minute why I said it was a "great loss".

Today, Angelina Jolie announced that she had a specific gene that greatly increases her chances of having breast and ovarian cancer, which the latter claimed her mother in her 50's.  So, she decided to have a double mastectomy. You can read the full story here.

So, I think, if you do get tested and have that specific gene, it could be a great way to prevent cancer from forming.  My mother-in-law is a two time breast cancer survivor.  When she first had it, they only did one, they didn't do a double like they do now.  And, well, it came back.  My sister has had cervical cancer as well as other female problems.  I have thought before of having some things removed to prevent that because I too have some female problems.  It's a scary thought.  The big "C" word scares a lot of folks.  Would you rather take preventive measures to not get it in the first place or risk getting it and going through the horrors of chemo?  Me personally, I'd say take 'em off.  I've seen what chemo does, it's not pretty...I'd rather lose the boobs than go through chemo or lose my life.

That being said, I am sad at the same time.  Angelina Jolie is my #1 on "the list" that every married couple says they don't have but do.  Ever since Tomb Raider (watched them over the weekend ironically!) I have had a HUGE crush on her!!  She, to me was a perfect specimen of beauty (both inside and out), philanthropy, kick ass chick movies, and crazy.

So, Miss Jolie, I applaud you for your bravery in speaking out about this in hopes to help other women to deal with this issue in their lives, and I'm sorry for yours, and the world's loss.

Yes, there was a bit of tongue and cheek in there.

Have a wonderful day all!

<3 Jessie

Weirdos

I get this often, "You're so weird." or "That's not really normal."  To them, I always say, "Define normal."

Normal is defined as "Something that is usual."  So, it is a relative term, no? I would say so.  What's normal to us, is completely weird to someone across the globe.

So, to all my weirdos, all my freaks, all my loves. Be proud of who you are. I wouldn't want it any other way.

<3

Jessie

A Homeless Man, A Transgender and Strawberries

How, you ask, do all of these fit in the same sentence?  Well, I'll tell you.  Cycling.

Like I've mentioned before, I'm trying to get back into marathon shape.  I'm slowly working up more and more.  I live in a valley outside the city, but if I go anywhere nearby, it's very very hilly.  I'm not ready to hit the big hills yet, so I went in the city to a beautiful river trail.  It's a very slow, gradual incline, so it's very nice for starting back out again.  I can go 1o-15 miles without a big problem.

It is a two lane biking/running only trail and in some spots can be a bit remote.  Anytime I pass someone going the opposite way, I always smile and nod (it's hard to wave.)

There is one area of the river that is frequented by homeless people.  As a general safety rule, I try not to stop in that area unless there are many people around (and I ALWAYS tell someone where I'm at, where my trip started and an approx time I should be back.)

But this time, I was coming down a hill and saw two obviously homeless men sitting at a little gazebo right along the side of the river.  I smiled and nodded.  I saw a him and thought he said something, but wasn't sure.  I felt I should turn around.  I did.  As I approached them, I asked if he was "flagging me down."

He said, "No beautiful!  I saw your lovely face grinning at me and was just saying hi." He grinned again and lifted up his hand.  That's when I noticed it.  This breaded, grinning, dreadlock, winter hat wearing man, only had a thumb on either hand.  He had palms, but they stopped at the knuckles.  He was one of the happiest misfits I've ever seen.  I looked at the man sitting next to him and noticed something else.  While he did have a 5 o'clock shadow, he had shoulder length hair, wearing a "blossom" hat (Blossom Hat), and a loosely tied off skirt over some leggings. She was adorable...she too was a misfit, and a very shy one at that.  They introduced themselves as Dave and Viv.

I started to stretch while we chatted and then offered some extra granola bars in my backpack.  They gave each other a look of excitement and said, "are you sure?!" I looked at them and said, "While I've never been where you are now, I've been close.  I may not have much, but I'm always willing to share."

He handed Viv a bar and then unwrapped his with much more ease than I thought able.  We sat and talked for a few minutes.  Viv sat quietly and watched while Dave and I conversed.  He was a disable vet down on his luck. We talked about the Bible, and that there might still be hope for humanity. He told me I was beautiful and may God bless me for stopping and showing kindness to them.  I told them, I needed to keep going, but, if I had time, I'll swing back by.

I kept going for about two more miles. I stopped, took a mini break, still thinking about those two lovely people.  I remembered I had some fresh strawberries in my pack too.  I ate just a few, and headed back to the gazebo.

They were still there when I stopped again.  Dave grinned and said, "Well hello again, beautiful!"  I pulled out the strawberries and said, "I have way too many here, please, help me eat them." they were even more excited this time...but they still asked me if I was sure.

Viv even joined in the conversation this time. She asked me what my sign was.  I forgot what else she had asked, I was just happy she joined in!

We kept talking.  Viv was from Orange County, but wouldn't say much more. Dave was from Michigan, third generation military man.  He said how much he missed his mama.  She died July 7th, 3 years ago.  He said how much he misses his family.  I asked if she was his only family.  Dave said no, but since his mom died, "Everything and everyone changed.  They got distant." he did say it was just as much his doing as his family.  He mentioned his desire to travel to where they live now (about two hours from where we were) to make amends and see everyone.

I hated to leave right then, but I had to pick up my son from school and had to book it to my car.  That's when I stood up, looked at both Dave and Viv and said, "We are all children of God."

Dave said, "Yes girl, we are."

I stood up, embraced him and kissed him on his cheek, "That makes you my brother." I reached over to Viv and embraced her, "And you my sister." They both smiled and had tears in their eyes.  Dave said, "Beautiful, you have made my day." and Viv nodded in agreement.  We said our goodbyes and I headed onward.

I haven't seen Viv again, but I did see Dave once more, and gave him an apple.  We chatted for a few minutes while he wolfed it down, as he was on his way to the library.

Before you judge someone by their clothes, their skin, their cleanliness...please stop and think of how they got there. Yes, sometimes it's drugs, but sometimes it's way more complicated.

Be nice to the homeless, they have very interesting lives and will help you out if you need it too.

<3

Jessie

"Why Do They Have To Flaunt It?"

The other day, I was speaking one of the other caretakers for my husband's Grandma.

We overlap on our shifts by about a half hour. We got on the subject if gays and lesbians, (I think there was something in TV talking about it.) She mentioned that her daughter's roommate is a lesbian. In my head I thought Yeah, sure...she's just a "roommate". She must have read my thoughts as she said her daughter has a boyfriend and the roommate has a girlfriend.

But she then said something weird. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why they have to 'flaunt' it."

My mouth dropped open, thankfully her back was turned. After thoughts of beating the ignorance out of her, I composed myself and asked, "What makes you think she flaunts it?"

Her response was even more confounding, "Well, they are always spouting it's not wrong, that the Bible's wrong. If they don't think it's wrong, then why are they always trying to tell others it isn't wrong?"

I tried to understand her logic, it didn't make sense. Before I could respond with a "what the hell?!" She shrugged and walked out of the room to go check on grandma.

I calmed down, but I didn't speak up. She's older and, at her age, I don't think giving her my soapbox would do any good.  So, I'll do my rant here:

Flaunt it? How do we flaunt it? We flaunt it because we want to kiss our gay lover on the street?  We flaunt it because we want to hold hands in public?  News flash: Lots of straight women hold hands a kiss...granted not frencher, but I do. I kiss my good girlfriends on the cheek and we do link arms.  Does that mean I'm gay?  Oh wait, bad example.

Is it our blood that flaunts when we bleed? Do we flaunt it when we're helping someone out?

What about this?!  I'm sick of straight people flaunting their love, their chance at marriage and wedding rings.  I'm sick of them flaunting their divorce papers around saying, "This is the last time I'm done!"  Do THEY have to flaunt it all the time.

Granted, there are a few people that do "flaunt it" on a daily basis.

But most of the time, we flaunt it during one week in our cities...Pride Week.  But, I think they're jealous.

Cause let's face it.  We just look so damn fabulous!

Hope you had a good laugh as well!

<3

Jessie

LGBT Missionaries

Tonight's post is a link to an amazing talk writen by a dear friend; nay my brother from another mother; Mitch Mayne.

For those who haven't heard of him, Mitch is the first openly gay Mormon to hold a calling.  He has influenced many people and have sometimes saved them from themselves...me included.

He has been a big key in helping me see the love and accept this part of me while maintaining my testimony of the gospel.  He and Nadia were also my main cheerleaders to start this blog!   I'm hoping to one day find the time to do a Q&A with him, but our schedules are so conflicting! Lol

He hit the nail on the head with this one! LGBT Missionaries.  Please read the article and then finish My post!

It is our job to be missionaries as the underdogs... it is up to us to make these changes.

One reader told me that "change begins in the pews." Meaning, if we're not there every Sunday, it won't change.

So, despite the ignorance that sometimes spews from those over the pulpit, raising their hand in Sunday School or Relief Society, go, show up. Be strong.  By just being there, you will eventually drum up the courage to speak out.  It probably won't be to say "I'm gay and what you're saying is very hurtful." I'm not even there yet!

But it could be something little, then a little more...and soon, most everyone, will understand what someone like us is feeling (they still might not agree, but hey, it's a start!)

Line upon line, precept upon precept,  here a little there a little.

Love you with all my heart!

<3

Jessie

Familiar Taste Of Poison

Hello again!

After my last post, I still was very conflicted.  I was angry, scared, and agitated; not my favorite combination. I once again turned to music, shocking, I know. When I am this upset, I usually listen to heavier stuff (I'm more of a light to moderate rock chick). So, I turned on Halestorm, a great newer group that I love.  They have some powerful as well as dirty lyrics.  They are not for kids!  I have always LOVED this song, is very haunting, and the video is just cool...and you can see why I have a crush on the lead singer!  But after my friend soberly professing her love for me, this song took on a whole new meaning.  Enjoy, please read the lyrics at least!

Drink the wine, my darling, you said

Take your time, consume all of it

But the roses were only to drain my inspiration

The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and...

[CHORUS:]

I breathe you in again just to feel you

Underneath my skin, holding on to

The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I tell myself that you're no good for me

I wish you well, but desire never leaves

I could fight this til the end

But maybe I don't want to win

[CHORUS]

I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober

I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes

And I won't wake up, no not this time.

[CHORUS]

A familiar taste of poison

This song, basically meant for me that "Yeah, this could be really great with what you're promising.  But, with having to hurt many I love to do this, it would start and I think end in a toxic relationship.  It's poisonous...I don't need it, but I want it.

I lamented to a friend (We'll say Nadia) about the "Desire never leaves".  I asked if she thought it would ever go away, to which she replied no, she didn't think so.

I was talking to another dear friend of mine about this new part of my soul that was hurting while I was exploring.  This is what she told me: To be immuned to a poison, you have to ingest a daily serving in small bits. In Egypt, a King knew he was going to be poisoned with arsenic, so every day he at appleseeds. Trippy, huh?

I had to agree, it was a beautiful analogy.  It was enlightening to say the least.  I shared this to Nadia and she said something just as profound and beautiful: Oh mama, that's rough. What a horribly appropriate analogy! Very true, keep it in perspective. What you have now is amazing, it's just what you really want in addition that makes it so tempting. The longing may not be as deep as it feels in the moment?  I totally get you. Not wanting to hurt other people, especially your favorite people, is the main reason we keep on the way we do, right?

What amazing friends I have!  Saying such soothing balm for my soul.  I hope this can be a balm for you too.  Heal the ragged soul within you.

And please, if you aren't as lucky as I, if you don't have this support system, e-mail me.  I'm always here, right here to talk and listen.  I am (as well as all these readers) are your support group.  We love you, we are here for you during the rough seas.

<3, with all my heart,

Jessie

An Unexpected Call of Longing

About a month ago, a reader asked me to go more indepth with my struggles.  So, here we go, this one will be very deep and very personal.  I am opening my soul and showing you the scars.

In my blog post Q&A #2, I mentioned about an old co-worker that had said she loved me...and not like a sister.  We were really good friends. We competed for commissions at work, we laughed and joked, and stepped in to defuse a rough situation with an irate person.  I had a knowledge that if she didn't respect me, or I didn't have such a solid marriage; things, WOULD have happened.

Well, five years ago, she up and married an Army man and moved away.  I remember, feeling sad that one of my buddies was gone.  But, I also remember feeling so grateful that she did move away, that my temptation was removed.

Only recently did I finally tell her something she knew all along...that I was bi too.  She laughed and said, "I KNEW it!  Oh, babe, I wished I'd have been there to help you through it!" I laughed too, grateful for another  supporter in my corner.

We see each other on facebook (fb), we text and very rarely call.  Well, last week I was asking her (via fb) if she had heard of the band Halestorm.  I'm a HUGE fan.  It doesn't help that I also have a HUGE crush on the lead singer! lol.  She mentioned she's never heard of them, I told her when I got the chance, I'd send some video links. Tonight, I saw that she was online and missing everyone here, in her hometown.  We started chatting and I remembered to send her over the links I promised.  I started to do that.

I do need to pause and say something important regarding this incident. In the past, she has been drunk while telling she loved me...tonight, she was stone cold sober.

Then my phone rang.  It was her.  We talked and caught up, had a great time.  Then she turned to the more personal subject...us...even though there never really was an "us".  She told me she loved me, and that she always has.  That she would get so excited seeing me come through the door at work, or she'd be mad if I called in.  I had a very real, very deep visceral reaction.  I hadn't felt that in a long time...it took me a minute realize what just happened.

Longing.  I haven't had anyone other than my husband profess those words to me and make me feel this way.  It wasn't, by far to the magnitude that I've felt with my husband (something he still makes me feel).  But it was there, it was real, it was a re-opened scar.  I must admit, it scared me a bit.
I'm having a big what if moment right now.  What if I was the one she ran away with, not him...what would my life had been like?  Would we be happy?  Would we have kids? Would we last?

I sit here tonight pondering those questions.  I'm giving them more thought tonight than I normally do.  This woman was the closest thing to a girlfriend without doing more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  Hell, I even wrote a song/poem about it. And, from the sounds of it, there will probably be another one coming up soon.

She did mention she was hoping to come visit her folks soon.  I am filled with mixed emotions on this.  I would LOVE to see her, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see her.

So, this was a very raw, very emotion-driven post tonight.  It has been a bit of a relief in itself to write this...getting this off my chest.  I hope, that bearing this deep part of me, you find what you're looking for.

<3

Jessie