I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,

<3

Jessie

To Be or Not To Be?

Hello my beautiful readers!

I have received several emails asking me that they wish I would update more often.

I do try, but life in my little family has been very challenging. I have  currently injured my arm and hubby will be having surgery here soon. So, I am very sorry I can't update more right now, but I am just trying to keep my family together!

The other thing I want to address with you is how honored I am. I am a perfect stranger and you are spilling your secrets to me seeking help, strength and encouragement. I think it helps that I am completely non-judging and only here to help.

That being sad, I do try and give advice from both sides. I lay it out very black and white.

I have had a few emails from woman lately that have desired to have a girlfriend while married...or even currently have a girlfriend with full spousal support.

I felt I need to address this more formally...I feel like there are more in the situation than we know about.

First of all, again, I am not judging. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I love you all, and understand the hurt and frustration of it all.

For those that have girlfriends with full spousal support, that is amazing and rare. Other women that have emailed me in the past, their husbands don't quite understand why and have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that they were bisexual, let alone wanting to be physically with another woman. I am very happy that you have that support!

For those that are thinking about it, it is a VERY hard decision to make. I sometimes still struggle with my decision to abstain from having a girlfriend at this time. My husband is my best friend, I have known him since high school. For me, I don't think I could forgive myself for the hurt it would cause him...when things really hit the fan when I first came out to more than him...I literally ran away from home for a day. When I came home, the relief on his face...he thought I was gone for good.

I stress this is a very hard decision. It comes down to this...if you are willing to potentially break up your marriage to explore this part of your life? For me, I am not there yet. But I am personally okay with my decision.

That being said, you need to be your genuine self. If you feel like this is something you need to explore, if it is crushing you not to do this. Then, you need to. Hiding and fighting these feelings with no outlet can be so damn exhausting.

I know this is not church doctrine. The church states "heterosexual and marriage only sex." Which I think is funny now considering the first few prophets had many wives...

I am not condoning monogamy, or a non-monogamous marriage. That is not something I will do. For me personally, I am okay with sacrificing the other part of my sexuality because of my love for my husband. If I wasn't in a good marriage...all bets would be off.

My hubby and I have joked that we'd be okay with a plural marriage as long as I get to pick one of the girls. Lol

I hope this helps.

I love you all so much. Thank you again for trusting with your secrets!

I remain, as always, your loyal friend!

♡

Jessie

It's All Greek! A Q&A In Reverse!!

Hello all!  I've been sitting on this for months, I'm sorry it wasn't sooner!  Greek contacted me a while ago.  She is was raise Greek Orthodox. So, I thought, for something different, since most who contact me are LDS, I wanted to share that these struggles happen over MANY religions that we might not even think about!!  So, here it is!  Enjoy!!!  I LOVE her advice at the end!  It's wonderful!!!

Hi!  For the purpose of this online interview, you've asked to go by Greek. Hello. Correct

Studly, just for clarification for the readers, are you a lesbian or bisexual? I have had many lifetimes. In this lifetime, I am a Lesbian. Oddly enough, in the past four lives I was a man. lol

When did you first realize you were gay? 19 years old

What were your struggles growing up knowing this about yourself but no one else knowing?  I grew up in a very strict traditional Greek Orthodox religious household and there was no one in my home or community that I felt I could confide in and ask for guidance or assistance. Not to mention living a double life!

How long have you been "out of the closet" and do most of your family know?  I have been out since I was 24 when my mother's friend ousted me to my mother. Hellooo odd situation!

For the family that does know, what was their reaction to it all?  Do they still feel that way?  Most are ok with it. Initially my mother had a very hard time with it. She is much more accepting now. My father doesn't know but we do not speak so I do not know if he ever found out?  Time tends to make things easier. My brother and I always were close and so it worked itself out in his mind...

You said before in a previous conversation that you were an Orthodox Greek (GO), are you still part of that religion or believe in most parts of the religion still? I am no longer a religious believer or a part of any one certain thing/type of religion.  I have my spirituality from various organized religions (To include GO, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Paganism, Orthodoxy, Christianity, Native American Traditions, Ancient Egyptian Religion and a few others) ways and even GO has its high points and will always be part of my life as I was raised in it and have literally been moved and met and smelled Saints and Archangels.  Is there just one God? To me, no there isn’t. Was there a Jesus? Absolutely, but he isn’t the end all catch all. There was also an Isis and Zeus, etc. We all could learn from the various Pantheons!

What is the Greek Orthodox standpoint on homosexual relationships? They believe it is a sin. Hooray I am a sinner, like the rest of the world! Here it is as described through the Wikipedia website.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Orthodox_view_of_sin

Homosexuality

The Orthodox Church has been consistent in condemning acts of homosexuality (but not homosexual persons), despite variations in the conditions for homosexual activity and responses from various Church leaders and the State. Continuing a worldview evident from the Old and New Testaments, the Church Fathers consistently condemned homosexual activity, as did the Byzantine state. Official statements by the Orthodox hierarchy continue to be consistent in terms of the traditional position that homosexual behaviour is sinful and thus damaging to the human person, and that homosexual temptation is a subject for ascetic struggle. While some Orthodox theologians and jurisdictions have championed the traditional view, they have also engaged in scientific conversation and in dialogue with the increasing number of societies that view homosexuality far differently than at the time of the Byzantine Empire.^[7][8] After affirming the import and meaning of the Scriptures that address homosexual activity, calling it sin, the Orthodox Church in America offered the following advice at its 10th All-American Council in 1992:

Men and women with homosexual feelings and emotions are to be treated with the understanding, acceptance, love, justice and mercy due to all human beings...Persons struggling with homosexuality who accept the Orthodox faith and strive to fulfill the Orthodox way of life may be communicants of the Church with everyone else who believes and struggles. Those instructed and counselled in Orthodox Christian doctrine and ascetical life who still want to justify their behavior may not participate in the Church’s sacramental mysteries, since to do so would not help, but harm them.

Assistance is to be given to those who deal with persons of homosexual orientation in order to help them with their thoughts, feelings and actions in regard to homosexuality. Such assistance is especially necessary for parents, relatives and friends of persons with homosexual tendencies and feelings. It is certainly necessary for pastors and church workers.^[9]

Within the Orthodox churches, there is a minority advocating a change in the view of homosexuality; one such group is Axios. However, the work of such groups and any blessings they confer are largely ignored by the Orthodox as a whole.

Does your faith, or did it have a huge impact on when and how you came out to people? I struggled telling people and coming out as I was internally conflicted due to my religious beliefs at that time. So, yes it did have an effect on me and how I did things. Now that I have been on the other side and have seen things, I know better.

If you're not GO anymore, do you have another religion, and if so what is it?  My current preferred way of spiritual enlightenment is through Paganism/Wicca and also through Reiki and the universal push pull method of acceptance and acknowledgment.

How has growing up GO and gay had a big impact on your life? How so?  I grew up GO but not Gay. I didn’t even realize I liked girls like “that” until I was 19. Growing up GO taught about my heritage and it’s customs which were imperative in me becoming the person I am today and my gifts that I share with people.

Is there a part of you that still wishes you were closeted? ABSOFUCKINLUTELY NOT!

Are you currently in a relationship with someone of the same sex? (I know, I know, but I want it to be clear to readers that don't know you! lol) :) Yes I am. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years. I call her my wife but the state I live in does not recognize it. We do, however, have a domestic partnership in the county we live in.

How long have you been in your current relationship? 6.5 years

What is your girlfriend's religious beliefs and how has that affected your life/relationship? (will change to wifey if you'd like me too!) ;-)  She is Pagan and practices Wicca.

Are you happy being an un closeted gay woman?  ABSOFUCKINLUTELY YES!!!

What is some advice you have to the readers of this blog that are currently closeted that you wished you knew before you came out? Hmmmm. My advice is this:

1.    Life is to short to be miserable so do not be miserable.

2.    Live your life for yourself and not anyone else. It’s your life! You can only live it once this time around.

3.    No matter what, if you any type of important to the person who is judging you, then they will stop judging you and just start accepting you.

4.    Anger, jealousy and regret are wasted emotions. They do not get you anywhere but upset.

5.    Do not live in the past and do not do anything you regret!

6.    Finally, if an opportunity presents itself, take it. That opportunity will never represent itself in the same manner.

What advice can you give to readers who also have these feelings and a conflict of faith? Faith is suppose to guide you, heal you, and help hold you up when you feel like drowning. If it isn’t doing this for you, but instead it’s ridiculing you, making you ashamed and making you feel like an outcast… Then find a new faith. 

There is nothing but love and acceptance for everyone once you pass over to the other side of the realm.  All of what worries you now is of no consequence there.

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

We Will Marry Your Girlfriends/Boyfriends

Hello!  I thought I had posted these, but I guess I didn't.  I watched these a while ago and just was laughing so hard!  There are a few swear words and a few sexual references...but hey, this is a blog about dealing with sexuality, so if you're this far into my blog, you should be used to it by now! lol  Enjoy!