You're Amazing

Good morning world! How are y'y'all this morning?

I'm tired, but good! Getting ready for work!

I just want to say how awesome you are. How loved you are. You are amazing!

How cool, that we, as LGBT, we're by heavenly design, built this way!

It's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in this world right now. But I promise, you're so special. And if no one you know can see that, find those that do...because we're out here and ready to love and support you for you!

Have a beautiful day in this crazy world!

Love you!

Jess

Suicide-You Are Not Alone

Tonight, I am in tears. Tonight I am heartbroken.

Two mom's in two days have to now bury their gay sons. Sadly, the list their lives to suicide. Eventhough they were extremely loved, they didn't feel it...they felt what they had wasn't enough.

People don't think about suicide very much if it doesn't directly affect them...it is a statistic.

These are real people, they are not a statistic...and sadly being LGBT, you are at a higher risk for suicide.

I've been at the bottom, that feeling of "it would be better to just end it all." I got through it with my friends, family and music.

I have attached a photo of suicide hotlines in the US...I'm sorry I don't have all over the world's numbers...I don't even know how I'd post them. But please, feel free to post the numbers in your country!

Email me day or night, I don't care! If you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN!

And please, if you know someone that is LGBT...go and check on them! Make sure they're okay!! Give them that extra, "I love you and have your back."

Please. Let's make this a reality...let's make sure someone's babies will be here tomorrow.

Love, with all my heart!

Jessie

I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,

<3

Jessie

Never Talk To A Lesbian When You're Confused As Hell

Okay, so this is going to be lengthy, but there is a lot to cover.

So, a year ago, I had an unexpected thing happen. A confession if you will. There is a girl, who is bisexual and a dear friend that I have a crush on. She lives in another state. A little over a year ago, I happened to be nearby and we met up to visit. It was there, that I suddenly blurted out that I had feelings for her. I instantly regretted my decision. I'm married, she's married, I didn't want to lose my friend...see all the above. She reassured me there it was okay, but even for days after seeing her, I worried and fretted. She at one point told me, "Do you regret saying it?! Don't you DARE! I see how you and your hubby are so in love, and for you to want to share a piece of your heart with me, I am deeply honored." And well, we left it at that. She is the first girl I've said something like that to. I've had feelings for other women, but not something I've ever told them.

Fast forward to two months ago, and I'm back in her area. Things have been very rocky in her life, and I am totally worried about her. I wanted to see how she was physically doing. Our visit was short but good. We touched briefly on last year's unexpected confessions, and she again said she was honored. Which, isn't a rejection, but also, not a 'yes, I like you like that too.'

So, this week, something happened in her life. I found myself happy for her, and then the situation changed again...and I was devastated for her. I don't understand, and I really hope I don't ever have to understand.

Being a song writer, I turned to pen and paper. When I have a song inside me, I can't function right until the song is out on a page. When it isn't like this, it takes me FOREVER to write a song...but when it's like this, it takes me mere minutes. I'm writing and rhyming so fast that I don't have to time fully grasp what I am writing. So, I wrote, I wrote fast and beautifully. When I went to edit it, I was taken aback...the song that started off as a friend talking to a friend turned into a plea of love. To run away from it...to run to me.

Needless to say, I FREAKED OUT!!! I texted two friends, one is straight, one is a lesbian, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Straight friend is like, "Oh no, I think it just sounds super supportive." While my lesbian friend is all, "Damn, you got it bad."

So, me and lesbian friend dissected everything...and she came to the conclusion that I'm on the line, and it's just getting thinner. And then she told me how awesome sex with a woman is...that I'll never want to go back if I experience it right. My response? "I should hope for a bad experience then."

Which, is not my normal response. I talked with straight friend over conclusions. She said I need a third opinion. lol

Man, this has been a hard couple of days. It's hard to keep up sometimes.  You have people telling you, "You have one life, live it to the fullest." and then you have your religious upbringing (which I still follow) beating you on the head saying, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And that's the million dollar question...What the hell is wrong with me? We are told as LDS that it is okay to be gay, but not act upon it. But then, you're taught you're created after God's own likeness. And if you are, and it is okay to be gay, how can God be so cruel as to say you can't love who you want, rather it be a boy or girl?

So, my advice on this? You'll get the answer you want depending on who you ask...and sometimes it will make you even more confused than you already are.

Love you all and am still confused as hell,

Jessie

Orlando

First and foremost, the post today will not be about gun control or political in ANY way. If I get comments about anything negative, I WILL delete.

So, unless you have been living under a rock for a week like I have, you've already heard about the shooting at an LGBT night club in Orlando, Florida. I was in Alaska on vacation and didn't have much service, so only got the basics.

I was so sad when it happened. I am always sad when something like this occurs. This one hit close to home. A place that is one of the few safe havens LGBT people have. A place where they can have fun, be themselves, and enjoy some music with no judgments.

So, to have that feel of safety taken away from you, it's hard to deal with. I've even found myself checking on all the exits whenever we're at a movie theater to see how to best evacuate my friends and family if needed.

It is called terror for a reason.

Now, something more positive. While I was in Alaska, all the flags were at half mast, meaning the country is in mourning. Alaska is over 4,000 miles away from Orlando, and yet, here, in a very small city, there were people thinking of the victims of Orlando.

Everytime I saw a flag being flown at half mast, I stopped, said a little prayer and kept moving. My son had a lot of questions and ended our talk with, "That really sucks. No one should be killed just because they want to dance." I agree full heartedly buddy!

But even in the far reaches of our country, people were hurting. They mourned with you. I mourned with you. It was a beautiful, sad, and powerful.

The stories of kindness that are coming out of Orlando are just amazing to hear about!

It makes me feel pride in America...no matter the race, color, orientation, etc...when the chips are down, we do reach out and help are fellow man. While we still have a ways to go in the kindness department in general, this little spark of love is going to be pretty hard to deminish.

Love you all so!

Jessie

Open Letter To Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Elder Bednar,

First let me start off by saying, I have always loved you. I was at BYU-Idaho during your presidency there. I've met you and your wife on several occasions and another college friend of mine upon meeting you together said "He will make a great apostle one day." And when you received your calling as an Apostle of the Lord, we called each other up both excited  to have you as an apostle.

That being said, your comments that were made in Chile were heard around the world, it caused so much pain in my heart and in many others. To say gay people do not exist, that there are no gay people in the church.

I'm here to say that you are wrong. We do exist.

I am a bisexual LDS member. I hold a temple recommend, I am sealed to my wonderful spouse and we have two amazing kids that we are raising in the church.

I have a strong testimony of this church, I believe it to be true and that God loves us all, no matter what. But when we hear our leaders from apostles down to the ward level say hurtful things over the pulpit, it makes us want to run and hide or hurt ourselves because we feel so unloved. We feel like there is something wrong with us.

I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed on Sundays after a talk or lesson on homosexuality. People, completely oblivious to another's "secret" saying horrible remarks in Sunday School or in the hallways.

To this day, I am still not completely open to all my family and friends. But those that do know, have supported and loved me unconditionally. They love me for me.

I have had Bishops that, upon telling them don't give it a second thought because they know I am worthy to hold a temple recommend, while I've had others grill me about it when that wasn't even why I was there to talk with them.

We are taught to love all, respect all, no matter what race, religion, sex, etc because we are all God's children. But when we hear our apostles saying "gays don't exist" and other disheartening remarks, it sends a mixed message to the members. While some members have been very accepting and loving of LGBT members, I have seen families forced to move into different wards because of all of the hate and shunning that they were receiving because their kid happened to be gay.

This situation is very serious. We are losing so many LDS youth, from either leaving the church completely or taking their lives because they can't take anymore hatred towards them. We are losing our children.

Please, help change this around. Please, tell us we are a people loved by God and therefore should be treated with love too. This needs to be heard over every pulpit across the world. We are children of God too. We need just as much love and support as any other member.

But please, don't say we don't exisit. Because we do. We are very real and we will not be silenced into the corner any longer.

We are tired of the tears, of the fights. We need love and support.

Love,

A very real and very concerned LGBT LDS woman

To Be or Not To Be?

Hello my beautiful readers!

I have received several emails asking me that they wish I would update more often.

I do try, but life in my little family has been very challenging. I have  currently injured my arm and hubby will be having surgery here soon. So, I am very sorry I can't update more right now, but I am just trying to keep my family together!

The other thing I want to address with you is how honored I am. I am a perfect stranger and you are spilling your secrets to me seeking help, strength and encouragement. I think it helps that I am completely non-judging and only here to help.

That being sad, I do try and give advice from both sides. I lay it out very black and white.

I have had a few emails from woman lately that have desired to have a girlfriend while married...or even currently have a girlfriend with full spousal support.

I felt I need to address this more formally...I feel like there are more in the situation than we know about.

First of all, again, I am not judging. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I love you all, and understand the hurt and frustration of it all.

For those that have girlfriends with full spousal support, that is amazing and rare. Other women that have emailed me in the past, their husbands don't quite understand why and have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that they were bisexual, let alone wanting to be physically with another woman. I am very happy that you have that support!

For those that are thinking about it, it is a VERY hard decision to make. I sometimes still struggle with my decision to abstain from having a girlfriend at this time. My husband is my best friend, I have known him since high school. For me, I don't think I could forgive myself for the hurt it would cause him...when things really hit the fan when I first came out to more than him...I literally ran away from home for a day. When I came home, the relief on his face...he thought I was gone for good.

I stress this is a very hard decision. It comes down to this...if you are willing to potentially break up your marriage to explore this part of your life? For me, I am not there yet. But I am personally okay with my decision.

That being said, you need to be your genuine self. If you feel like this is something you need to explore, if it is crushing you not to do this. Then, you need to. Hiding and fighting these feelings with no outlet can be so damn exhausting.

I know this is not church doctrine. The church states "heterosexual and marriage only sex." Which I think is funny now considering the first few prophets had many wives...

I am not condoning monogamy, or a non-monogamous marriage. That is not something I will do. For me personally, I am okay with sacrificing the other part of my sexuality because of my love for my husband. If I wasn't in a good marriage...all bets would be off.

My hubby and I have joked that we'd be okay with a plural marriage as long as I get to pick one of the girls. Lol

I hope this helps.

I love you all so much. Thank you again for trusting with your secrets!

I remain, as always, your loyal friend!

♡

Jessie

LDS General Conference

I have a few thoughts that have been weighing on me since conference.

First of all, to the people that shouted "I DO NOT SUSTAIN YOU!" (or something to that effect.) When we were called to sustain our prophet and apostles. I understand your frustrations, I really do. But there is a time and place for it. It is a hard balance. But, anger only breeds anger, a hard lesson I learned so long ago. Know that I love you all and support your ideals of being heard, but not how it was done. Please know I am speaking with love and not condemning anyone. I have no right to judge. Nor do I know the whole reason why you did it. I invite you to contact me for an interview. I would love to get the full story!

The last few years, with the push for accepting LGBT people in the world is getting bigger and better, there is STILL a lot of push to stop these "counterfeit" lives. When L. Tom Perry said that, I died a little. I have always looked up to him. Him and my grandfather were Bishops in the Sacramento area together...so I grew up with a great respect and "grandfather type love" for the man. My heart was hurt. That some apostles (and the prophet) teach love and acceptance for our LGBT brothers and sisters, and other apostles say things like "counterfeit" about us.

It makes very vulnerable people do some tragic things. Two friends who are active LDS are trying to heal and deal with their LGBT kids attempt suicide after this last General Conference. Thank goodness they stopped themselves before they did. However, after reading other articles, there were some that weren't as lucky.

These impressionable kids, they are young and already confused as hell with their hormones...they don't need to have adults who they are told to look up to and respect telling them that something is wrong with them.

While I know that was not the intention behind it, the fact remains that it happened. These youth in our church are HURTING! They feel so lost, and when they go looking for guidance, for love, for acceptance they get met with words that make them confused, depressed and hurting more than they already are.

This is the one thing that has kept me in the church. We have ALWAYS been taught that God is a loving God, not a vengeful one. That he loves us no matter what! It's what keeps me going. So, when I hear these apostles of Christ speaking like this, it hurts, it hurts bad. It is a enough to shake my testimony a bit.

There has been much soul searching in my heart, a lot of prayer over these talks, over the attempted suicides and some that did take their lives. We truly are getting closer to the last days. We are starting to see a great divide in the church
We are seeing so many wars and pain, so much pain. We are trying to fight ourselves and we need to unite and fight back with love and goodness.

I have had too many experiences in my life as a member of the LDS faith to deny the church. I do believe it to be the true church of God on this earth. We have seen through its history, the evolution of our faith.

Black people were once not allowed to hold the Priesthood at all...it took so many years of prayers and pushing for that ban to be lifted...and even then, many people left the church thinking that a white person was more supreme.

I am, and have been called (recently even) a mix, a not pure blood. I am a mix of several Native American tribes and about half of Europe. I can pass as a dark white person or a light skinned native as I have qualities from both sides.

My point is this, at some point, many years ago, I had relatives that fell in love...their love was deemed a sin, their love wasn't allowed! Hell, even the church has stated in the past that we shouldn't mix races. And that "commandment" has since been removed.

It has taken centuries for us to evolve, for freedoms that we do have. It has taken a long time for racism to be stomped out...and it still isn't all the way, there are still people that hate people just for their skin color. They can't help what color of skin they were born with!!

And that is how it is with sexual orientation...we are born this way. And while the struggle is still very real, that were are having hatred and rights removed from us because of our "preferences." I hate that word "preference"...it is used in the manner like we have a choice and it is an easy choice. We do not. If we could choose not to have these feelings, we wouldn't. Do you think we like all the shit being done to us? I think not!

We are at the forefront of this fight. We are the pioneers...and we had pioneers before us! It is going to be a very long time until people will come around to loving us as is.

I know this church is true, with all my heart. I still sustain the Prophet and our Apostles. Is it hard to do? Sometimes, yes it is. But I have the faith that things will one day change. Do I know what that change will be? No, but something does need to change!

God and Christ are all loving, it's humans that aren't.

All my love,

Jessie

To Russia, With Love!

So, I'm lying here in bed and I can't sleep. It's 5:30, I've been awake since 3 tossing and turning.

I played on Facebook for a bit,  read the news, read some funny stuff, and listened to my dogs nails tapping across the kitchen floor.

I then opened my blog just to check how many views I've been getting. I looked at where the views are coming from.

While a giant portion is coming from the US, I literally have a worldwide audience. Russia comes in 2nd with the UK close behind in 3rd. Wow. I am humbled greatly by this. Thank you all for reading!

But I wanted to speak to my Russian audience today. Know that we see and hear what's going on...I'm sure it's only the tip of the iceberg.

Know that we love you! We see your struggles of just trying to fit in, only to be shunned, beaten or killed. This is NOT okay...This is NOT right.

I applaud and bow to those who have been protesting and landing in jail because of it. Bravo! You are the pioneers!  You are the ones that future free generations will say "Thank you" for ever.

We love you, we pray for you, and wish you all well!

Please comment and show our Russian LGBT's some love and support!

Much love,

Jessie

As I Have Loved You: Religious Tolarence

My parents have always taught me a healthy respect of other religions. While we have always been LDS, we've never not been someone's friend due to their religious beliefs.

One time, in 5 grade, I was at recess swinging on the swings with a friend when she said, "My dad said I can't be your friend anymore because you're Mormon."  I remember saying, "Well, do you like me?  Let's still be friends and not tell your dad." to which she agreed, though we didn't play as much as we used to.  I remember feeling a little hurt by it, but I was still too young to understand.  In later years, I realized how messed up it was.

I have Pagan, Hindu, Buddhist, Islamic, every form of Christianity, Wiccan, Atheist, Agnostic...I could go on and on.  I've felt that if you're a good person, it doesn't matter your beliefs.  My parents even lived in the Middle East for a time, so I have a deep respect for the Islamic Faith.

A few years ago, when finishing my degree, I took a World Religion class to fill up some electives.  I was enthralled.  I learned a couple of truths, every religion has truth and kindness in it and more often than not, the things we see are man's version of the words of God, they have been twisted around for a person's benefit.

So, I wanted to shed some light on a few religions that have a lot of misunderstandings.  Like every religion, the nuts and the fringe proclaimers of one religion steal the spotlight from true followers.

Islam.  This is what cracks me up the most, fearmongers claim Islam is not a good religion, that Allah is a vengeful, horrible God....guess what?!  They believe in the God of Abraham.  They believe in Christ...their book (The Q'uran) was written by the Prophet Muhammad.  In the Q'uran, Muhammad gave women the right to vote, to own land, he stopped infanticide (As a culture, they would kill baby girls to make way for a son)...he did this over 500 years before the US was even thought of!  While there are some passages about "killing infidels  those are ALWAYS taken out of context.  In the Bible, there are passages that are similar.  True believers and followers of Islam think it's horrible what the extremists are doing "In the name of God."

Buddhism: The 8 Fold Path is a beautiful one, very peaceful, very respectful.  Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Effort, Right Concentration, Right Mindfulness.  The story of the Buddha and The Bodhi Tree is very similar to that of Christ in the wilderness for 40 days fasting and being tempted by Satan.  In the Buddhist story, it when Mara, the Lord of Desire tempted him.

Taoism: The Yin and Yang symbol, everyone's seen it.  The basics are "There are opposing forces, and life will result when they unite.

Paganism:  "Dirt loving hippies" is a common term used.  They are very in touch with nature with, the spirit of nature, they see beauty and gods/goddesses in all.  This year we are studying Lorenzo Snow in Relief Society, a few weeks ago, there was a quote with him saying "Our Mother Earth".  There have been talks about the earth being a living spirit.  We are the stewards of the earth.  We have been commanded to take good care of our earth.  Being in tune and loving nature, respecting it is a common goal we should both share.

Wiccan: While all wiccans are pagans, not all pagans are wiccans.  Wiccan is a witch/warlock, plain and simple.  The misunderstanding is the different "colors" of wiccans.  People assume all wiccans are into evil.  Yes, there are dark wiccans.  They are not nice people...but, the wiccan's main statement is basically "What you do unto others, you will receive back 3 fold."  So, it's a very karmic circle, most wiccans are very peaceful ones.  The rituals or "spells" that involve weird looking things are normally protection spells, weather spells, etc...it is their form of prayer.  Do we not pray for protection and rain?

I could go on for years about many others, but I wanted to focus on a few that have REALLY had a bad rap lately.

Hope you enjoyed, learned something new, learned that with any religion, there is beauty and idiots.

<3

Jessie

Nudity: Tasteful Beauty or Disgusting Porn?

I've always appreciated the nude form.  I love looking at oil paintings and sculptures depicting beautiful women with nothing on, sitting near a tub or on a bed.  I've never thought it to be "inappropriate" or "pornographic".  Even males, Michelangelo's David is one of the most famous sculptors around.  Yet, you hear people whisper there should be a fig leaf attached to his penis.

While, I do think some nudity is tasteless, it's not to the degree people would think.

I'm a musician and LOVE musicals.  I'm also a huge Beatles fan.  So, needless to say when the movie "Across The Universe" came out, I was super excited to see it!  I absolutely LOVED it!  It took a very intimate look at the youth in the 60's and 70's.  There was one scene where the leading female's breast are exposed while sleeping and the leading man sitting nearby was painting and glanced over to see her gently sleeping.  He goes on to sing the song "Something".  To me, it was just amazing and beautiful.  Have you ever had a lover look at your naked form and there is nothing but amazement, love, rapture in their eyes?  That's what that scene did for me.

Then, the week following it coming out, I heard people tearing it down for that moment of, what I thought was a pure, beautiful expression of love.  They said it wasn't needed, it was shameful, it was downright horrific.

It sadden me.

Yes, in the LDS faith, we are taught to cover ourselves, to be modest.  Indeed I am.  I wear my garments day and night, the exceptions are when I'm cycling or wet (swimming to showering.).  But, I think sometimes it is taken too far.  Being modest doesn't meaning closing the door completely on sensuality or sexuality, it just means we need to understand and respect it.

God made these bodies...complete with the parts that people find "gross and embarrassing".  But the thing is, it isn't.  It is beautiful, raw, amazing.  I believe it is a very profound and wonderful connection between you and your spouse.  Not something to be ashamed of!

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging you to go out and have sex by any means.  Just to have a better, healthier understanding.

Don't think it's wrong or shameful.  We think God is beautiful, we think his creations are beautiful.  We are his creations too, therefor we are beautiful.  Remember that, respect it, live it.

You.Are.Beautiful.

<3

Jessie