Yes, ladies and (now for sure) gents!
I had my first questions from an active, LDS Husband who's active, LDS wife has in recent years told him she is also "Attracted to women". How excited am I?!?!?!?!
I've been sitting on it for a few days to give much needed thought and prayer into my answers.
There have been a few e-mails back and forth, so I am paraphrasing and/or taking snippets from the e-mails. I will be keeping it in First Person format, as it is mainly in his words.
Hello Jessie,
First, thank you for helping me know we're not the only active members who face these issues in ways that are not consistent with our faith.
My wife and I are (very) active in the Church, and completely committed to our temple covenants. In recent years my wife has come to the realization that she's "attracted to other woman", but can barely admit it to herself. She has tried on the label "bi" but has said that it really didn't fit for her. We've talked about it once or twice, but only briefly because she insists on changing the subject, presumably because she's so uncomfortable. I don't doubt her love for me, but I don't know how to best help her, and I'm worried her "leave it alone" response isn't healthy.
This reluctance doesn't make sense to me. First of all, she's the type to speak her mind and share her opinion. Second, we've always had very open communication in our marriage. Third, I've been nothing but supportive and non-judgmental, and have a track record in our marriage of being supportive of her (e.g. education, career). Fourth, we're more liberal-minded members, including being outspoken about women's issues in the church.
I've looked for resources online over the years, in particular on how LDS husbands can support their bi-sexual wives, to no avail.
After that long intro (sorry) my questions are these:
(1) General: What should husbands know/do to best support their wives who are in a similar situation as you, and
(2) Specific: Is my wife handling this in a healthy way? If not, do you have any suggestions for me to help her?
Dear Brother Supportive;
I'm so glad to hear from you!! First, kudos for wanting to talk about this issue with your wife and not trying to sweep it under the rug! You're ahead of the game already!
I would suggest, when the time is right, to send her to my blog. I have listed in great detail my feelings, struggles and thoughts...I want my story to help others feel better about themselves, because contrary to popular belief. There are many of us out there. They're just waiting for their spark of courage.
However, it really sounds like she isn't ready to talk about it. If you keep pushing the talks on her, she might shut down more. I'm not saying stop talking about it, when an opportunity presents itself, use it. You said she's usually very open, does she like jokes? Hubby and I can openly joke about it, and that does seemed to ease some of the uncertany that looms at times. This process can take years, in my case over a decade. It can even be a life time to come to full form...it's all about her timeline. Everyone progresses at different speeds. I'm somewhere in between being out of the closet but not up to wearing "I like burritos AND tacos" pun shirts. lol
However your wife wants to say it: "I am attracted to girls", "I am Bi-sexual", "I think girls are hot"... it doesn't matter, whatever she's comfortable with. It's a label put on something to describe something...that is all. No matter how it's sliced, the official term is "Bi-Sexual". At first, the word felt very uncomfortable to say, sometimes it still comes off "odd". Growing up in the church, it has SUCH a negative connotation, I felt more comfortable saying the "F" word. But, as time went on, I realized being bisexual, is only PART of who I am, it's not all of me, it doesn't complete me, it doesn't define me. I had to tell someone once, "It just means I like girls too, I'm still the same girl that you've always known." She will, I think, in time come to that acceptance as well.
You are right that her "leave it alone" response isn't healthy. It really isn't. I've been down that road, it's not a fun road to be on. I bottled everything up in a tight bottle. When it finally exploded, it felt like a forest fire started by lightening: raw, powerful and very destructive. But, I'm glad I did go down that road, it made me stronger in the long run...and hey, I can at least give you some insight about it!
With her bottling up like this, there will be a meltdown, it's not an "if" it's a "when". It might be tomorrow, next week, next month, the next year or two, but there is going to be a point where she will. It sucks on so many levels. From my view point, you wonder if you'll ever be the same again, if you'll lose your temple access over the admission, if you and your hubby will be able to recover from this, what will your friends, family, ward, Bishop say? What does the admission mean? The list goes on. When that meltdown happens, you just need to be there. You need to hold her, love her, listen to her and listen to the Spirit, it will tell you what to say.
So, after all those questions I faced; after many tears, prayers and talks with church leaders, my husband and friends; I've found that I although at times, I am still unsure, it's not nearly like I was! Here's what I now know for sure:
1) I am a Child of God.
2) I am a goddess, divine and infinite.
3) I was born this way, this is NOT a choice.
4) I am loved by God, my husband, my kids, my family and many others.
5) I am supported in my thoughts.
6) Being bisexual doesn't define me.
7) I am married to my soul mate, who is a man. Just because I like girls too doesn't mean I will cheat on him.
8) I am and will continue to always honor my temple covenants.
9) I am lucky to have the support that I have, there have been countless others who have lost their way or lives because of lack of support.
10) This is a stigma that needs to and is starting to change!
I hope this has helped you and any other guys out there wanting to understand/support their wives. I promise, you're not alone!!
Much love, prayers, and support,
Jessie <3
