You Are Not Alone!

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend!!!  I sure did!

I recently received an e-mail from my youngest reader yet (that I know of!). She is 16. While I don't know what it is like to be closeted at 16 at this time and era, I do know what it is like to be a closeted 16 year old. It really sucks.

All I can say, and repeat from the mountain tops:  You are NOT ALONE!!!

You might feel alone, because you might not be able to speak about being who you truly are to just anybody.  It's hard to find someone you can truly trust sometimes.  But I promise, with prayer the Lord will help direct you to someone you can confide in, someone you can trust...but until that happens, I'm alway here!!

I am so honored that you, my readers are trusting and reaching out to me. I feel so blessed to hear from you and help...I hope I'm helping!

Also, there are MANY groups on Facebook that revolve around supporting fellow LBGT and LDS people.  The groups are usually closed or private which means it won't show up on your page as being part of the group...there are some open groups too, so be careful which group you join if you want to remain incognito.

Have a wonderful week!  Love to you all!!!

Jessie

It's All Greek! A Q&A In Reverse!!

Hello all!  I've been sitting on this for months, I'm sorry it wasn't sooner!  Greek contacted me a while ago.  She is was raise Greek Orthodox. So, I thought, for something different, since most who contact me are LDS, I wanted to share that these struggles happen over MANY religions that we might not even think about!!  So, here it is!  Enjoy!!!  I LOVE her advice at the end!  It's wonderful!!!

Hi!  For the purpose of this online interview, you've asked to go by Greek. Hello. Correct

Studly, just for clarification for the readers, are you a lesbian or bisexual? I have had many lifetimes. In this lifetime, I am a Lesbian. Oddly enough, in the past four lives I was a man. lol

When did you first realize you were gay? 19 years old

What were your struggles growing up knowing this about yourself but no one else knowing?  I grew up in a very strict traditional Greek Orthodox religious household and there was no one in my home or community that I felt I could confide in and ask for guidance or assistance. Not to mention living a double life!

How long have you been "out of the closet" and do most of your family know?  I have been out since I was 24 when my mother's friend ousted me to my mother. Hellooo odd situation!

For the family that does know, what was their reaction to it all?  Do they still feel that way?  Most are ok with it. Initially my mother had a very hard time with it. She is much more accepting now. My father doesn't know but we do not speak so I do not know if he ever found out?  Time tends to make things easier. My brother and I always were close and so it worked itself out in his mind...

You said before in a previous conversation that you were an Orthodox Greek (GO), are you still part of that religion or believe in most parts of the religion still? I am no longer a religious believer or a part of any one certain thing/type of religion.  I have my spirituality from various organized religions (To include GO, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Paganism, Orthodoxy, Christianity, Native American Traditions, Ancient Egyptian Religion and a few others) ways and even GO has its high points and will always be part of my life as I was raised in it and have literally been moved and met and smelled Saints and Archangels.  Is there just one God? To me, no there isn’t. Was there a Jesus? Absolutely, but he isn’t the end all catch all. There was also an Isis and Zeus, etc. We all could learn from the various Pantheons!

What is the Greek Orthodox standpoint on homosexual relationships? They believe it is a sin. Hooray I am a sinner, like the rest of the world! Here it is as described through the Wikipedia website.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Orthodox_view_of_sin

Homosexuality

The Orthodox Church has been consistent in condemning acts of homosexuality (but not homosexual persons), despite variations in the conditions for homosexual activity and responses from various Church leaders and the State. Continuing a worldview evident from the Old and New Testaments, the Church Fathers consistently condemned homosexual activity, as did the Byzantine state. Official statements by the Orthodox hierarchy continue to be consistent in terms of the traditional position that homosexual behaviour is sinful and thus damaging to the human person, and that homosexual temptation is a subject for ascetic struggle. While some Orthodox theologians and jurisdictions have championed the traditional view, they have also engaged in scientific conversation and in dialogue with the increasing number of societies that view homosexuality far differently than at the time of the Byzantine Empire.^[7][8] After affirming the import and meaning of the Scriptures that address homosexual activity, calling it sin, the Orthodox Church in America offered the following advice at its 10th All-American Council in 1992:

Men and women with homosexual feelings and emotions are to be treated with the understanding, acceptance, love, justice and mercy due to all human beings...Persons struggling with homosexuality who accept the Orthodox faith and strive to fulfill the Orthodox way of life may be communicants of the Church with everyone else who believes and struggles. Those instructed and counselled in Orthodox Christian doctrine and ascetical life who still want to justify their behavior may not participate in the Church’s sacramental mysteries, since to do so would not help, but harm them.

Assistance is to be given to those who deal with persons of homosexual orientation in order to help them with their thoughts, feelings and actions in regard to homosexuality. Such assistance is especially necessary for parents, relatives and friends of persons with homosexual tendencies and feelings. It is certainly necessary for pastors and church workers.^[9]

Within the Orthodox churches, there is a minority advocating a change in the view of homosexuality; one such group is Axios. However, the work of such groups and any blessings they confer are largely ignored by the Orthodox as a whole.

Does your faith, or did it have a huge impact on when and how you came out to people? I struggled telling people and coming out as I was internally conflicted due to my religious beliefs at that time. So, yes it did have an effect on me and how I did things. Now that I have been on the other side and have seen things, I know better.

If you're not GO anymore, do you have another religion, and if so what is it?  My current preferred way of spiritual enlightenment is through Paganism/Wicca and also through Reiki and the universal push pull method of acceptance and acknowledgment.

How has growing up GO and gay had a big impact on your life? How so?  I grew up GO but not Gay. I didn’t even realize I liked girls like “that” until I was 19. Growing up GO taught about my heritage and it’s customs which were imperative in me becoming the person I am today and my gifts that I share with people.

Is there a part of you that still wishes you were closeted? ABSOFUCKINLUTELY NOT!

Are you currently in a relationship with someone of the same sex? (I know, I know, but I want it to be clear to readers that don't know you! lol) :) Yes I am. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years. I call her my wife but the state I live in does not recognize it. We do, however, have a domestic partnership in the county we live in.

How long have you been in your current relationship? 6.5 years

What is your girlfriend's religious beliefs and how has that affected your life/relationship? (will change to wifey if you'd like me too!) ;-)  She is Pagan and practices Wicca.

Are you happy being an un closeted gay woman?  ABSOFUCKINLUTELY YES!!!

What is some advice you have to the readers of this blog that are currently closeted that you wished you knew before you came out? Hmmmm. My advice is this:

1.    Life is to short to be miserable so do not be miserable.

2.    Live your life for yourself and not anyone else. It’s your life! You can only live it once this time around.

3.    No matter what, if you any type of important to the person who is judging you, then they will stop judging you and just start accepting you.

4.    Anger, jealousy and regret are wasted emotions. They do not get you anywhere but upset.

5.    Do not live in the past and do not do anything you regret!

6.    Finally, if an opportunity presents itself, take it. That opportunity will never represent itself in the same manner.

What advice can you give to readers who also have these feelings and a conflict of faith? Faith is suppose to guide you, heal you, and help hold you up when you feel like drowning. If it isn’t doing this for you, but instead it’s ridiculing you, making you ashamed and making you feel like an outcast… Then find a new faith. 

There is nothing but love and acceptance for everyone once you pass over to the other side of the realm.  All of what worries you now is of no consequence there.

Judge Not/Happy Holidays

This time of year, I celebrate Christmas. I have friends that celebrate Yule, Hanukkah, and other numerous holidays that happen this time of year.

I'm seeing all this stuff lately about so much hate, and it saddens me greatly. People are getting really judgy over some people's personal choices...even though it has no effect in their personal lives.

For example,

I recently had some new ink done on myself. I went from one tattoo to three. They all have wonderful meanings and are very symbolic of things that are very important to me.  While tattoos are not encouraged, they are not against our Mormon laws. I've seen many older men in the temple with tattoos on their hands...usually do to being in the military.  If they're allowed in, why can't I?  There is no reason that I cannot be allowed my temple blessings. My body is a temple, mine just has some stained glass windows. :-)

Well, of course I'm getting some flack for all of this...even from family...but I have one family member in particular (who I rarely see and rarely talk to.) She likes to look at all my facebook stuff I post and then talk shit about me to other family members behind my back. They've even warned my mom that I'm not following the path that I should, that they're worried about me.

She decided to passively aggressively post an article on her facebook knowing good and well I'd read it. It was about Tattoos and Mormons...she put something along the lines of "Well said! Exactly what I think many people are forgetting anymore. We just have to follow the words of our prophets."

Words of our prophets indeed.  So, I was chatting with my sister about this and she told me to re-read this General Conference talk by President Uctdorf  The Merciful Obtain Mercy.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from the talk.

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

I love you all so much. I relish in your strength and individuality. You are all so beautiful inside and out!!

God loves you, and I love you!!

Happy Holidays!

<3

Jessie

Unashamed Desires

Okay, so I'm so sorry again to be offline for so long. I haven't been ignoring, I swear!  This has been a year a sickness man!  My son got really sick (never does!), then went into croup with my two-year-old that landed us in the ER it was so bad...and this bug that has been going around giving kids croup has been giving adults a 3 stage flu...apparently I'm in the 3rd stage...and it sucks! What's fun is watching people gawk at you while you're tossing your cookies outside of Walmart because you needed some more meds. GAH!

But I digress...A friend of mine and I have been sending youtubes back and forth of some good songs we thought the other might like.  I sent her today an old Missy Higgins song called "Steer".  Upon looking up that video, I discovered some videos that I have the album to, but haven't seen the video for.

I have heard this song "Unashamed Desires" dozens of times and the power of the song never hit me until I saw the video. If you've read my Bi and Gay Musicians post, you'll know that Missy is Bisexual.  Take a listen and watch the video. Both male and female dancers slowly and sensually strip her to almost nothing, while she repeats "I've got nothing to hide." in the middle she says "Oh, and I'm, not afraid to love, not afraid to love, unashamed desires" at the very end she sings "I don't want to waste my time holding down the truth, I've got everything to win, only pain to lose. This is my unashamed desire."

This is my hope and wish for us all. That it is like she sings UNASHAMED!!!  <3 Jessie

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

Thank You!

Hello all!!  Hope you're having a WONDERFUL Saturday!  It's partly cloudy and MUCH warmer than in recent days!  I'm not a big fan of snow!

I first want to thank you all for the well wishes and prayers about mine and my family's health!  It truly means a lot!  They think I have pinched nerve in my back...so more tests coming soon!  As for everyone else, we're just plugging along going through minor colds and what not!  I'm just hoping my back gets a little better...it HAS to!  My hubby's busiest months are November and December.  It makes for good Christmas' but at the same time, I'd rather have him home! :)

So, I looked at the stats, and with your help, I'm just shy by 30 views to make 5,000!!  It's insane!!  This blog started out as NOTHING...and now it's starting to progress into something that people read as soon as a new post comes up!  This to me is mind-blowing.

I also now have a back log on e-mails and posts!  This has never happened before!  I am so humbled by this!  I commend you for your opening yourselves up to me, for sharing your stories!  I'm starting to see how one individuals' life story can hit home to a person where another will not resonate.

I love that you let me share your stories or questions on here!  It really does make a difference!!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thank you SO much!!

<3

Jessie

Repeat After Me

So, I have been e-mailing back and forth with "M" the last couple weeks.  She's been struggling (as we've seen in her previous Q&A's)

So, I sent her this and I think it works on so many levels with many religious people who are struggling right now.  Now, this is set up for M, but please insert you where you need to.

Repeat after me:

"I am a Daughter Of God who loves me and I love him.  He loves me for every flaw, regardless of whether issues with my sexuality are deemed a "flaw" or not...He still loves me and is SO proud of me!  By admitting this to myself, it does NOT change me, it does NOT make me different or "unclean".  I am STILL the SAME Daughter of God. This part of me is but a SMALL part of who I am.  Whomever thinks that I am NOT worthy of God's love, their love, or any love in my life obviously doesn't know me or know God...and they can go fuck* themselves."

*omit if needed. :-)

Charity is the pure love of Christ. If we are lost in the service of fellow man, helping them up when down instead of being the ones to knock them down, oh, how wonderful this world would be!!  When we love someone unconditionally despite race, religion, gender or orientation, we become closer to Christ. He would never shun someone who needed help. He would invite them in and love them.

Peace be unto you. I hope this helps you rise up and never be the same. Whether it's to help support you in your own life or show you that everyone needs love, whether you agree with their decisions in life. It is not your job to judge them, it is your job to LOVE them.

<3 you all so much!

Jessie

Q&A 7 "How Do You Keep From Feeling 'Dirty'?"

Okay guys, I've been holding this one in my hand for awhile. I haven't known what to say.  After this weekend's General Conference, I feel so much better about what I'm going to say.

So, this is the second part question from "M": How do you stop yourself from feeling "dirty" about yourself?

Well, it's a hard question, especially when you here who we think of as an Apostle of God standing proud and firm at the pulpit repeating the phrase "Marriage between a man and a woman only." or "These so-called 'same-sex' marriages are a sin."  I have to admit, I was on a spiritual high, and then hearing Dallin H. Oaks speak made me cringe and feel awful.

It's so hard, when we've grown up in the era of the Prophets saying, "Only to act on homosexuality is a sin." meaning that "it's okay to have these feelings, we just have to resist the urge."...however, it you are older than a teenager and grew up in the church, that was NOT what was preached over the pulpit...I remember as a youth, feeling horrible Sunday after Sunday when these feelings would hit and then I'd just feel horrible, like I was doing something wrong in my life.  But no, I was going to church, I was doing what I was supposed, I was following the commandments...and this is what I am left feeling?

So, I did what most of us did in the 90's, we took it and bottled it up. I went to an LDS college, I dated good, LDS men...I even dated one who struggled with bouts of homosexualty on his own.  We decided we were better being friends, and he was a best friend while up there. He opened up and said things to me that I know only a Bishop had heard.

Then, I came back home from college for a break, and the Elder I had dated in high school came home, we fell even further in love...we got engaged...I told him one night nervous and in a joking way that if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark ever asked me out, I would probably go...(you can bet my husband had a near heart attack when I mentioned I just bumped into Terri Clark at the hotel I worked at! A few years back! lol)

And everything was fine, I was fine, he was fine, we were very happy.  Then that e-mail that I cursed but now am thankful for came out...asking me to have an affair...it was so horrible, yet so tempting at the same time.  It brought it all back, and in full force.

Lots of talking with friends, husband and this blog has really helped.  It's very hard not to feel guilty about it all, and some days, it gets to me...but you know who that is?  That is just the opposition, making you think that you are not good enough how you are...that there is something wrong with you.  But that's just not the case.  When people say you're not born with it, I get so upset...I don't know why I am the way I am, but I know that when I have a sexual dream, it's usually a girl than a guy...last night even, I was engaged to a REALLY hot blonde chick (not usually my type! lol)...so I know that somewhere in my subconscious I do like girls too.

I guess for me, when it all broke loose, it came out with how much I love my husband and am willing to make our marriage and covenants we've made in the temple work.

You have to know that God loves you, he is always there for you...and yes, sometimes we will hear things that make us feel horrible, make us think we're not good enough...treat them like you would somebody hating on you're religion...let it roll off your back and laugh.

Will you maybe lose friends and family if this gets out. Yes, you can...and there are still some family members I am not out to because they wouldn't understand.  But, where you might lose a friend, you'll gain two more that were more loving and understanding than the former was...they will love you for who you are.

And that, my dear, is beautiful!

<3

Jessie

Q&A #6 How Did You Tell Your Husband?

Hello everyone!  After a few weeks of utter chaos (yet again, lol) I'm finally able to sit down, breathe and collect my thoughts. I am sorry that it does take me a while sometimes to answer.  But I like to have a quiet moment and I try and lead my thoughts and answers through the spirit.

This two part question comes from "M", I will answer her second question in another post:

"I do have a question about coming out to your husband, how did you do it and how did he take it?  I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half and I totally love him.  But I don't want to hide something so prominent about myself from him.  I don't know how to tell him, and I'm scared he'll leave.  I'm scared because I think we will get married and have a family. I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to hide myself from him."

M, this is a very hard question to answer. There is no perfect answer.  It depends on the man and how secure he is and how much he does love you.  I do have one question for you, and I think this would be a make or break deal for you.  Have you guys talked about homosexuality in the past?  What does he think about it?

If he is disgusted by it or thinks it's wrong, then you will have a hard road ahead.  Either having to end the relationship or hide it forever.  Neither is a good option, but I would say break it off instead of hiding yourself, because the longer you hide it, the more bottled up it gets.  Trust me, it will come out.  It might not be for decades, but it will come out.  And it's best that you do it on your terms instead of having a slip of the tongue one day.

If he is okay with homosexuality, then, there is hope for you guys!  I told my hubby (fiancee at the time), that I will love him forever and ever, but if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark asked me out, I would probably say yes.  He took it in good stride until a few years ago when everything that was bottled up came back to bite me pretty hard on the ass.  I got an e-mail from a "friend" asking me to have an affair with her.  I was crushed and heartbroken that someone would do that.  There was a closet way in the back of my soul where these demons just laid in wait for their moment to pounce.

And believe me, it sucked.  It sucked so hard.  I cried, hubby cried...I even ran away from home for the day.  My poor hubby, he thought for awhile that I was done, that I was leaving him for good.  It was a cold December day, I drove 4 hours away to one of my favorite spots in the world, mama ocean.  It was there that I sat in a cove sheltered by the cold rain and prayed and prayed and prayed.  I don't think I have ever prayed that long before.

But, with that praying and being so close to my Heavenly Father that day, I felt so much better about myself, and I knew that we'd all be okay.  I knew that we would have bumps along the way, but in the end we would be stronger for that.

That being said, it doesn't mean we don't have hard days about it and that he gets insecure that he's not "man enough" for me.  He does have days where the fear in the back of his mind gets to him.

In fact, just last week.  We were talking about the news about women in the church starting a movement to be ordained in the Priesthood.  He seemed very upset by my responses when we were talking.  My responses were such that I'm okay with women holding the Priesthood, women were ordained in the early church, we as women today are allowed to use the Priesthood when needed (i.e. if there is a sick/hurt person and no Priesthood holders to administer, we as women can.  I have in fact, I had to one time and I have seen it done before), but having that gift to hold the priesthood is not something I think I am ready for.  It is a very sacred, serious gift.  But I am very okay with women given the opportunity to do so.

He was visibly upset about the whole conversation.  Later on, I asked him why he was being "such an ass" about it, when I was just stating true facts.  He sheepishly replied, "If you hold the priesthood, what good am I to you?  Deep down inside, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm afraid you'd leave me for another woman."

I gave him a big hug and kiss and said, "Baby, it's been 10 years, if I was going to leave, I would have done so by now.  You are my best friend, my lover, my husband, and an amazing dad.  We're stuck with each other.  I'm not going anywhere."

So, like I said there is no perfect answer. It depends on his reactions. Don't hide it, be honest with him. If he can't accept this part of you, then he never was yours in the first place. It's better to have a broken heart now than ten years down the road when there are kids involded...because once that happens, things can get ugly fast.

I'm not going to lie, this will be a hard thing to do. Because once you say it out loud to someone you love, whether it be a friend, family or your boyfriend, it becomes real.  Be prepared to answer questions.  Be totally honest and open with him, that way he can never accuse you of ever lying to him about this. I would pray about it and let the spirit guide you.

Good luck dear, there are many here that read this that are in your corner! Just breathr and know you are greatly loved by many!

<3

Jessie

I'm Not Going ANYWHERE!!

Greetings all!  It's me, again!

This will be quick, as I'm nodding off!  I am currently in bed with a million thoughts on my brain!  The main focus this week is making sure everything is set up for my son's baptism on Saturday!  Oh my goodness, how time does really fly!!

Anyhoo, I received a few beautiful e-mails from "M". I've never received anything from her before, but I was very humbled by her message of struggle, anxiety, and acceptance within herself.  She has asked me a few important questions that I keep trying to get to, but life keeps getting in the way!

...you know life, the times where you can't seem to get a peaceful moment within the day to yourself unless you lock yourself in the bathroom JUST to get some peace and quiet for two minutes.  Why two minutes? Because that's about the time it takes for my two year old to bust down the barrier keeping her in the living room, have her and my 8 year old tag team me with questions about homework and dinner while little fingers wiggle under the door and I hear whispers of "Hi mama!" followed by knocking asking when I'm going to be done.

Well, one thing really struck me about M's e-mail. She asked me to not stop, because when she's having a really hard day, she comes and reads my blog because it helps her through bad days.

Well M, I'm here to tell you girl, I am NOT going anywhere!  Things might be a little chaotic right now and I'm not getting the blogging done I would like.

But PLEASE know, that my e-mail account is linked to my phone.  I get all you e-mails rather quickly!

I am always here, Biandlds@gmail.com!  If you're having a really bad day and just need to talk but can't wait for my next blog, shoot me an e-mail!

One big thing I want to say in closing is this, I know that sometimes we all feel alone. Especial when people deem our feelings as "wrong" or "sinful". Please, PLEASE remember you are not alone in ANY of this dear M! (this includes the rest of you too!)

That is why I started this blog.  It's hard to be so open and raw here on the internet...but, the more e-mails I get, the stronger this blog becomes. It is not just my thoughts out there swirling around the internet anymore.  This is becoming a support group where someone who might not understand what's exactly going on inside them, their feelings, etc.

This blog is becoming bigger and it's because all of you!  I just LOVE IT!!!

If you could only see all the emails I get!  We are a big support group, we all love and look out for each other, because we know what it's like to be on the outside looking in.

But you know what's cool?  Soon, there will be more people outside than in, and they will be wanting to join US because we have better food for the soul!

So, I'm not going anywhere, and neither all the readers.  We are here to stay!

We "freaks" have to stick together!!

All my love!

Jessie <3

Shame On Me? Shame On You!

Well, we're back into the swing of school and we've had SO much smoke from nearby fires that we've been cooped up in the house for three weeks. It's been awful!  And because EVERYONE in town is too and school started, we all have a hideous cold.

But enough about that.  That's not why I'm posting today.

So, as you guy have noticed I swear, not all the time, not often, but I do, and never in front of the kids... I think the worst thing I've said in front of my kids is "damn it!"

About a week or so ago, I posted a funny e-card on my wall and said, "yes, there are a few people I'd like to bitch slap now and again." or something to that point.

Well, a woman in the ward who I've known for years but aren't really friends (She's the sister-in-law of a dear friend of mine.) posted the word 'Language!!!!' yes, with 4 exclamation points.  Well, I started to get VERY defensive and wrote pretty much a nice "Fuck You!" to her...but before I hit send, I thought I'd better call my friend, who is also in the ward and MUCH more level headed than I. So, I did and we talked about it.  She advised me not to do anything, to ignore it, because it will start a big stink that I don't need...and then I remembered...her sister-in-law is our Relief Society Pres in our ward.  Yeah, I don't need that!

So, instead I chose a slightly "childish route" as my hubby said, and peppered my fb page with a bunch of swearing...mostly it was "hell's" and "damns" but there were some "bitches" and "shits" in there too.

But I wanted to so badly say "Shame on me?! Shame on YOU!"  EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE sins, makes bad choices.  Some, like mine are easier to see.  I have a tattoo, I have more than one hole in each ear (5 total).  My mom told me once she said to a friend about people judging her because she smoked but still attended church.  She said, "If everyone's sins stunk, no one would be able to sit through church." and that the same with me...just because you can see some what you think are "bad choices" on my part doesn't give YOU the right to be all high and mighty and judge me for it.

I go to church every Sunday, I even went to the temple last night and it was beautiful! And guess what?! They saw my piercings and still hugged me and treated me like a sister.  There was a man in there with a navy tattoo (can't see mine easily), and they treated him no different.

I've had people tell me MANY times before that they've always hated how Mormon's treated them and were reluctant to be my friend but then they found out who I was and said, "You're the coolest Mormon I know.  You treat everyone the same no matter what.  You love them and respect them, no matter what they've done or do." They've even at times have asked me questions, something they never thought was approachable before.  And I've always had an answer, thanks to the Spirit.

Jesus said love everyone and do not judge.  So, I try hard to follow that.  Even if it means breaking "the appearance" of being Mormon.  When I've talked to people that were so against the church before, I've always been excited, and I feel the spirit deep within me helping say the words that will fill their needs and answers.

Have any of them joined the church? No, not yet, but they part ways with me having a better respect for the Mormon Faith, that even a misfit like me can find joy and happiness in an often described "confining religion".

Christ was a misfit too, all the "cool" people wanted him dead, only the lepers, the prostitutes, the sick and poor...the misfits accepted him.  So why, of why would you tear somebody down for how she speaks?  I am honest, and if honest means a bit of swearing, so be it.  I'll continue doing what I'm doing and following in the footsteps of the ultimate misfit and love EVERYONE.

This song is called "Shame On You" by the Indigo Girls, my favorite line is "My friend Tanner, she says 'You know me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fucking up'."

Enjoy! And just be yourself!!  It sucks to try to impersonate!

<3 Always,

 Jessie

4 Years

Today, I was actually e-mailing back and forth with a reader and we were chatting about music...as you know I have a huge love of music.

Well, a few moments after I sent the last e-mail, I realized something, today my dad's been gone 4 years.  He could be a real dork sometimes, but I know he loved me very much.  He always loved to take me fishing, that some of the first memories I have of him, sitting on a boat on a lake in Texas when I was 4 and caught my first fish.

So after a lot of tears, and am smiling and still crying, but I want to share the perfect song that came after my dad passed...it's the perfect song for me and him.  Trace Adkins' "Just Fishing"

If you've lost your daddy, I hope you still hold him dear and think of him often.

<3

Jessie

Sorry It's Been So Long

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long.

We've been hit with so much medical going on that I feel like I can't see straight.

Some has to do with me, I had a minor routine surgical procedure (about every six months) and something happened that never happened before, the knicked a nerve that goes to my right leg with numbing stuff. When the procedure was done, my left side of my right leg was completely numb. My kids would laugh when my leg would spontaneously give way and I'd spaz comically trying to keep from falling. Then the numbness slowly wore off into excruciating pain. They told me it would take upto two month for the pain to subside. Oh joy. Thankfully they gave me a nerve med that does help but it still hurts.

And now I'm sick. Oh what fun.

This Thursday, we have to leave again for San Francisco for another UCSF appointment. My hubby was officially diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder and so we're going to take the kids and get them tested too as there are some high risks for cancers and other problems (like what my husband has). This disorder is so rare there are only a few dozen reported cases within the U.S.
So there isn't much info that is out there to help us cope with this.

I will not be currently disclosing the actual disease because it is so rare that it would give away my identity to some friends and family and I'm currently not ready to do so.  I might start another blog or something chronicling our issues to help other deal with this. Because the more we know, the more we can figure this out.

My son started school already! Big ol' 3rd grader! Crazy how time flies!

And in about a week my mom is arriving for the big September celebration of both my kid's birthdays (they are 5 years and 364 days apart...we didn't plan that! Lol) and for my son's baptism. He'll be 8 and being we are LDS, kids get baptized at 8 years old or beyond...whenever they choose to.

With my mom coming (and I do love it when she comes) she highly allergic to dogs, which we have two that live in and out of the house...but not in the bedrooms or on the furniture (although they do try!) Which means I have to seriously de-dog the house...and she's allergic to garlic...which is in EVERY dinner meal...it is a staple in the house. *le sigh*.

We are also on pins and needles as we're waiting for my brother to get his kidney transplant. After ten years he's finally at the top again. So, when he gets the call, we have about 8 hours to get him from Vegas to San Francisco.

So if you don't hear from me for a bit, sorry, I'm trying to keep it all together right now and trying to be there for my family.

I do have a great Q&A coming with a reader that grew up Greek Orthodox and is gay. It's a very wonderful story. Juat needa to be touched up...but haven't had the time!

Take care! Love you all!

Jessie

A Decade of Love

Wow! My, does time really fly!

Yesterday, my hubby and I made a decade of being married! Crazy! It's been a roller coaster great times and really sucky times.  But we got through them together. When I am at my lows, he lifts me up, when he is at his lows, I lift him up.

My wish and my dream is that everyone has the chance to have this kind of anniversary. Whether you're gay or straight, black or white, any other deemed "unconventional marriage", I wish this for you, the chance to be so blissfully happy with someone!

So, to all you lovers out there, keep going strong!  Keep working at it.  To those doing the solo act, stay strong, don't compromise yourself because you want someone in your life.  It might take a little bit longer, but you'll find the right one that will love everything about you...including your flaws.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve my best." - Marilyn Monroe

All my love,

Jessie

Out of My Mind

Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while again. We've had a whirlwind the last few weeks!

My hubby's grandma that I care for broke her arm and it has caused hallucinations and she keeps trying to remove her cast. I am currently sitting with her in the hospital. They have found a small amount of bleeding on the brain, a UTI and that's she's had several mini strokes. She is refusing to eat any hospital food and they are wanting to put her on hospice because if it. We brought in outside food...lo and behold she's eating it! I don't blame her one bit for not eating hospital food.

Yesterday, we laid to rest hubby's other grandma. It's a a beautiful service, but a first for me in the way that I didn't cry. But how do you mourn over someone that didn't treat you well and couldn't stand the stress of little kids? So, basically we only saw her on holidays for a brief hour or two.  She was a very talented musician and always remembered my birthday...so, I guess she liked me in some level.

We had to take a trip to San Francisco for a geneticist appointment. They're 99.9% sure hubby has this rare genetic chromosonal mutation and they think our little girl might too as she is showing signs of it. They did blood work on hubby, we'll know for sure in "4-6 weeks". And then if he has it, we get little one tested too. If she does have it, there won't, thankfully, be much in a change of her life, we just need to be extremely proactive about checking her thyroid, stomach and breats. She would have a high risk of thyroid and breast cancer along with intestinal polyps.

On top of it, I had what is called Lupron shot to help me fight off my endometriosis. Basically, it throws me into temporary menopause. Which means hot flashes and mood swings.  The hotflashes are under control, thank goodness...but these mood swings are something else. Things that would normally bug me or irritate me are making me extremely angry. I go from zero to bitch in two milliseconds.  My hubby and son were getting the brunt of it all...so, I finally went to the doctor and they put me on a small dose of happy pills. They haven't full kicked in, but I'm not getting angry like I was. I feel more like myself.

So, this is me slowly losing my mind. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

<3

Jessie

Happy 4th of July!

Hello all!

Hoping this find you all well today in celebration of our nation's birth.

There is much cause for celebration because of the ruling of the supreme court, giving gays the right to marry.

But also, remember, we are still fighting for freedoms still today. If we are not careful, not vigilant, we can very quickly lose our freedoms.

Independence is a constant battle.  Keep fighting, if not for you,  than for our children!

<3

Jessie

Organ Donation, DOMA!

Sorry guys!  We have had a busy month!

I've been dealing with (still) female problems, hopefully they'll be fixed soon, other family health problems, vacations and our exchange student leaving. We're going to miss her greatly. She was a GREAT kid and she will always be apart of our family!!

Hopefully, I'll start writing again more!!!  I'm finding this summer is stacking up to be a busy one, we're going to be gone a bunch for medical appointments (the one thing that sucks about living in a smaller city...having to travel 4 hours one way to get the medical help you need!)

AND my brother just got told that "within 12 hours or 3 months from now, you'll be getting you kidney." And I'm just so giddy!!  He's been on dialysis for over 10 years now!!!  I just wish they had a better time frame, like "be here at 5 am on July 17th"...but obviously we don't know when someone will die and keep giving back after they die with the use of their organs.

My mom used to be against organ donation and was a little upset when I chose to be one on my drivers license at 16.  It changed when my brother needed a kidney.  She was under the unwritten LDS "law" that says everything needs to be in one place for things to be whole in the resurrection.  My grandpa was always very adamant about it...I remember thinking "But what about soldiers or victims that lose an arm or a leg, if their not buried with it, they won't be whole?" My family has always been big on no cremation.  Before my dad died, he said he wanted to be cremated (something that I would like...I don't want to rot in a box).  So, we did...my grandpa threw a fit.

I'm grateful to those that are organ donors, that will be or already have.  There is still something beautiful that comes out of a horrific event such as a loss of life. But I'm grateful that some time soon, someone will be giving my brother a better chance and living longer...all because they put "Organ Donor" on their ID card.

And let's hear it for the Supreme Court! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Yay!!  Thanks for seeing that marriage belongs to all!!

Take care!!

<3
Jessie

Christian Based Businesses, The True Love of Christ

I heard in the news a few months ago about a Christian bases bakery back east that had no problem selling cookies and pasteries to anyone...however, when a lesbian couple who loved the bakery and wanted him to make a cake for their up and coming wedding, he refused saying it's against his beliefs.  I believe there is a current lawsuit out against him.

I'm hearing more and more stories like this.  Are we really going backwards now where we'll need a separate water fountains for gays? What about bisexuals? Do I get to use both?  Transgender? *smacks forehead*.

Today, on the radio I heard (and have heard before) of a proud computer store in town that is proud to be and has always been a "Christian based company".

I'm REALLY wanting to test just how "Christian" they really are.  I have a friends that would, I'm sure be willing to go into the store holding my hand, pretending we're a couple and seeing the reaction of it.

The reason I'm bringing this up is, I'm sick of people claiming to beleive in Jesus and being total hypocripts about what Jesus taught.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." I could go one for hours about the wuotes of loving one another.

When every one called the lepers "unclean" or called the prostitutes "whores"...what did Jesus do? He hung out with them, he blessed them. He didn't care what they were doing or how they got there. He didn't care about being "associated" with them.

But, for some reason people think that by associating or helping gays that they are infact going against the teachings of God...

NO!  That couldn't be farther from the truth...if that were true, if we were supposed to shun everyone we thought were sinners....we'd end up shunning everyone, including ourselves.

We are here to help one another as brothers and sisters to get back to our Heavenly Father and Mother. We are here to help bring each other celestial glory.

How can you do that by shunning someone because they're gay? It my opinion, you can't!

Take care...of EVERYONE!!

<3

Jessie

We Will Marry Your Girlfriends/Boyfriends

Hello!  I thought I had posted these, but I guess I didn't.  I watched these a while ago and just was laughing so hard!  There are a few swear words and a few sexual references...but hey, this is a blog about dealing with sexuality, so if you're this far into my blog, you should be used to it by now! lol  Enjoy!

It's A Beautiful Day In The Cold Cruel World

I can't find the song or the lyrics ANYWHERE! Gah!

Well, it's by The Warren Brothers...a country band out of the 90's...they had a couple big hits.

This song always got to me.

"While somebody's hurting, somebody's laughing, somebody's living and somebody's dying."

So true today.

I picked up my brother from the airport who had to fly in to see some people about a kidney transplant...he was told within the next 3 months! YAY!  Happy, happy!

While spending time with him, I get a text from my dear friend a few hours away saying her mother-in-law is clinging to life and to please pray she'll go quickly. They are keeping her comfy and that's it...she has maybe a day.  She has dementia among other problems.

So, while we're having a good time, receiving EXCELLENT news, somebody is losing someone important.

We had to deal with a great loss two years ago almost to the day. Myself and two other friends were preggers and all due near each other. We don't live close...one is back east, the other is about 4 hours away. One was due in June, with a boy, the other woman and I were having September babies, both girls!  We were all excited, texting each other our joys and our pains, our cravings and our weird dreams.  It was truly beautiful.

I got a call at 6 a.m. from a friend that lives close to the 4 hour away friend...the baby was still breached, and his shoulders got stuck.  She was having a home birth and they lived about 45 minutes from the hospital.  He didn't make it.  I remember sobbing, big and round while my husband cradled me. When I composed myself, I called my friend back east and we talked and cried together.  We both felt guilty that here we sit, happy and baby kicking, and she had lost her little love.

Our little girls were born happy and healthy despite mine having a few days in the NICU which scared me near death.

So, as I sit tonight pondering life and death...the world moves on, it doesn't stop...somebody's living and somebody's dying.

<3

Jessie