You Are Not Alone!

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend!!!  I sure did!

I recently received an e-mail from my youngest reader yet (that I know of!). She is 16. While I don't know what it is like to be closeted at 16 at this time and era, I do know what it is like to be a closeted 16 year old. It really sucks.

All I can say, and repeat from the mountain tops:  You are NOT ALONE!!!

You might feel alone, because you might not be able to speak about being who you truly are to just anybody.  It's hard to find someone you can truly trust sometimes.  But I promise, with prayer the Lord will help direct you to someone you can confide in, someone you can trust...but until that happens, I'm alway here!!

I am so honored that you, my readers are trusting and reaching out to me. I feel so blessed to hear from you and help...I hope I'm helping!

Also, there are MANY groups on Facebook that revolve around supporting fellow LBGT and LDS people.  The groups are usually closed or private which means it won't show up on your page as being part of the group...there are some open groups too, so be careful which group you join if you want to remain incognito.

Have a wonderful week!  Love to you all!!!

Jessie

Judge Not/Happy Holidays

This time of year, I celebrate Christmas. I have friends that celebrate Yule, Hanukkah, and other numerous holidays that happen this time of year.

I'm seeing all this stuff lately about so much hate, and it saddens me greatly. People are getting really judgy over some people's personal choices...even though it has no effect in their personal lives.

For example,

I recently had some new ink done on myself. I went from one tattoo to three. They all have wonderful meanings and are very symbolic of things that are very important to me.  While tattoos are not encouraged, they are not against our Mormon laws. I've seen many older men in the temple with tattoos on their hands...usually do to being in the military.  If they're allowed in, why can't I?  There is no reason that I cannot be allowed my temple blessings. My body is a temple, mine just has some stained glass windows. :-)

Well, of course I'm getting some flack for all of this...even from family...but I have one family member in particular (who I rarely see and rarely talk to.) She likes to look at all my facebook stuff I post and then talk shit about me to other family members behind my back. They've even warned my mom that I'm not following the path that I should, that they're worried about me.

She decided to passively aggressively post an article on her facebook knowing good and well I'd read it. It was about Tattoos and Mormons...she put something along the lines of "Well said! Exactly what I think many people are forgetting anymore. We just have to follow the words of our prophets."

Words of our prophets indeed.  So, I was chatting with my sister about this and she told me to re-read this General Conference talk by President Uctdorf  The Merciful Obtain Mercy.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from the talk.

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

I love you all so much. I relish in your strength and individuality. You are all so beautiful inside and out!!

God loves you, and I love you!!

Happy Holidays!

<3

Jessie

Unashamed Desires

Okay, so I'm so sorry again to be offline for so long. I haven't been ignoring, I swear!  This has been a year a sickness man!  My son got really sick (never does!), then went into croup with my two-year-old that landed us in the ER it was so bad...and this bug that has been going around giving kids croup has been giving adults a 3 stage flu...apparently I'm in the 3rd stage...and it sucks! What's fun is watching people gawk at you while you're tossing your cookies outside of Walmart because you needed some more meds. GAH!

But I digress...A friend of mine and I have been sending youtubes back and forth of some good songs we thought the other might like.  I sent her today an old Missy Higgins song called "Steer".  Upon looking up that video, I discovered some videos that I have the album to, but haven't seen the video for.

I have heard this song "Unashamed Desires" dozens of times and the power of the song never hit me until I saw the video. If you've read my Bi and Gay Musicians post, you'll know that Missy is Bisexual.  Take a listen and watch the video. Both male and female dancers slowly and sensually strip her to almost nothing, while she repeats "I've got nothing to hide." in the middle she says "Oh, and I'm, not afraid to love, not afraid to love, unashamed desires" at the very end she sings "I don't want to waste my time holding down the truth, I've got everything to win, only pain to lose. This is my unashamed desire."

This is my hope and wish for us all. That it is like she sings UNASHAMED!!!  <3 Jessie

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

Thank You!

Hello all!!  Hope you're having a WONDERFUL Saturday!  It's partly cloudy and MUCH warmer than in recent days!  I'm not a big fan of snow!

I first want to thank you all for the well wishes and prayers about mine and my family's health!  It truly means a lot!  They think I have pinched nerve in my back...so more tests coming soon!  As for everyone else, we're just plugging along going through minor colds and what not!  I'm just hoping my back gets a little better...it HAS to!  My hubby's busiest months are November and December.  It makes for good Christmas' but at the same time, I'd rather have him home! :)

So, I looked at the stats, and with your help, I'm just shy by 30 views to make 5,000!!  It's insane!!  This blog started out as NOTHING...and now it's starting to progress into something that people read as soon as a new post comes up!  This to me is mind-blowing.

I also now have a back log on e-mails and posts!  This has never happened before!  I am so humbled by this!  I commend you for your opening yourselves up to me, for sharing your stories!  I'm starting to see how one individuals' life story can hit home to a person where another will not resonate.

I love that you let me share your stories or questions on here!  It really does make a difference!!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thank you SO much!!

<3

Jessie

Organ Donation, DOMA!

Sorry guys!  We have had a busy month!

I've been dealing with (still) female problems, hopefully they'll be fixed soon, other family health problems, vacations and our exchange student leaving. We're going to miss her greatly. She was a GREAT kid and she will always be apart of our family!!

Hopefully, I'll start writing again more!!!  I'm finding this summer is stacking up to be a busy one, we're going to be gone a bunch for medical appointments (the one thing that sucks about living in a smaller city...having to travel 4 hours one way to get the medical help you need!)

AND my brother just got told that "within 12 hours or 3 months from now, you'll be getting you kidney." And I'm just so giddy!!  He's been on dialysis for over 10 years now!!!  I just wish they had a better time frame, like "be here at 5 am on July 17th"...but obviously we don't know when someone will die and keep giving back after they die with the use of their organs.

My mom used to be against organ donation and was a little upset when I chose to be one on my drivers license at 16.  It changed when my brother needed a kidney.  She was under the unwritten LDS "law" that says everything needs to be in one place for things to be whole in the resurrection.  My grandpa was always very adamant about it...I remember thinking "But what about soldiers or victims that lose an arm or a leg, if their not buried with it, they won't be whole?" My family has always been big on no cremation.  Before my dad died, he said he wanted to be cremated (something that I would like...I don't want to rot in a box).  So, we did...my grandpa threw a fit.

I'm grateful to those that are organ donors, that will be or already have.  There is still something beautiful that comes out of a horrific event such as a loss of life. But I'm grateful that some time soon, someone will be giving my brother a better chance and living longer...all because they put "Organ Donor" on their ID card.

And let's hear it for the Supreme Court! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Yay!!  Thanks for seeing that marriage belongs to all!!

Take care!!

<3
Jessie

Christian Based Businesses, The True Love of Christ

I heard in the news a few months ago about a Christian bases bakery back east that had no problem selling cookies and pasteries to anyone...however, when a lesbian couple who loved the bakery and wanted him to make a cake for their up and coming wedding, he refused saying it's against his beliefs.  I believe there is a current lawsuit out against him.

I'm hearing more and more stories like this.  Are we really going backwards now where we'll need a separate water fountains for gays? What about bisexuals? Do I get to use both?  Transgender? *smacks forehead*.

Today, on the radio I heard (and have heard before) of a proud computer store in town that is proud to be and has always been a "Christian based company".

I'm REALLY wanting to test just how "Christian" they really are.  I have a friends that would, I'm sure be willing to go into the store holding my hand, pretending we're a couple and seeing the reaction of it.

The reason I'm bringing this up is, I'm sick of people claiming to beleive in Jesus and being total hypocripts about what Jesus taught.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." I could go one for hours about the wuotes of loving one another.

When every one called the lepers "unclean" or called the prostitutes "whores"...what did Jesus do? He hung out with them, he blessed them. He didn't care what they were doing or how they got there. He didn't care about being "associated" with them.

But, for some reason people think that by associating or helping gays that they are infact going against the teachings of God...

NO!  That couldn't be farther from the truth...if that were true, if we were supposed to shun everyone we thought were sinners....we'd end up shunning everyone, including ourselves.

We are here to help one another as brothers and sisters to get back to our Heavenly Father and Mother. We are here to help bring each other celestial glory.

How can you do that by shunning someone because they're gay? It my opinion, you can't!

Take care...of EVERYONE!!

<3

Jessie

Dream Interpretation

Wow, well, what an intense self examination that was.  So much so, I won't go into full detail over it.

I went to www.dreammoods.com for this.  They have a plethora of details to go through.  Even the smallest detail can have a big significance.

But, basics of my dream was saying I am comfortable with the path I am currently on, but I am afraid of being exposed and having what I am used to misconstrue my thoughts and actions.  I am accepting of my love, my life and myself.  I am being reassured by friends and family about all of this.

How interesting that an intense sexual dream can mean so many other things?!  Pretty cool, no?

Anyhoo,

Hope you're having a good week so far!

<3

Jessie

Intense Dreams

So, here's another inside look.  We are told we are to purge all bad and impure thoughts from our minds...but what happens when those thoughts invade our dreams?

When I dream, I'll usually remember vaguely what it's about, whether good, bad.  The ones I tend to remember are those of a sexual nature.  Those I usually remember in full color, down to the last detail of who it was, and what was done.  Apparently my subconscious is a depraved deviant.

Well, I've dreamed just about everything...my husband, another guy, another girl, threesomes, down to an orgy or two.  One even involving a Nun and a vibrator (no, I wasn't with her...long story, but funny)  I always wake up thinking "Wow."

I've had some of these dreams interpreted before, and they are really accurate with what is going on in my life.  So, I'll do some research and post it after this one.

Well, I was living/dating this girl that was a mix of about three people I know in real life.  The funny thing is, she was so NOT my type at all.  But, we were getting married later that day.  We were getting ready...apparently I was the "butch one" because I was wearing pants and she was in a white dress.  I remember seeing my husband and my kids there.  They were happy for me.  I remember thinking "we're divorced, but he's still my best friend."  We had the wedding at and LDS church, but it wasn't by a Bishop, it was a woman that married us.  The rest of it was filled with friends, family and a party.

Then the wedding night came...I won't go into detail...but let's just say, I remember every.single.detail.

Did I enjoy it?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty about it? Yes.  But how can you feel guilty about something you have no control over?

Dream interpretation to follow!

<3

Jessie

Almost to 2,000 hits and in Ten Countries!!

Okay, so I had to share!  This site is almost had 2,000 hits, which over half of those have happened since March...and there are over 10 countries that have hit this site too!  (There was Saudi Arabia and Turkey, I believe, strange how they're no longer on here!!)

United States

1582

Russia

139

Germany

53

United Kingdom

19

Canada

16

Colombia

13

South Korea

13

Latvia

12

Netherlands

8

Greece

5

Thanks for spreading the word and getting people to read this!!!

<3

Jessie

Beaches

So, today, here's a bit more about me.

This last week I've heard Mama Ocean calling.  Urging me to come home.

I grew up about 45 minutes outside of Oakland/San Francisco.  I am a die hard Oakland A's fan.  I was in the 1989 earthquake that ravenged the area. I still hyperventilate when I go over the bay bridge...watching those cars, people falling into the ocean below, the cars sandwiched between decks really stays with a 9 year old.  Every summer we'd drive up to Bodega Bay a few times. It's a lovely place and yes, that is where Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" was filmed.  My grandparents took my mom and her siblings, she took us, and now, I take mine.  It's a beautiful tradition that I try hard to keep alive.

Another place that has become a new favorite is Sebastopol. I have some dear friends that live there and whenever I come, we try to go to Screamin' Mimi's...the BEST ice cream I have EVER had!

Though I don't live too close now, I still have family and lots of friends in the area. So I try to visit when I can...especially when I get the beckoning from Mama Ocean.

On my Facebook page, I mentioned that I am in desperate need to go.  My friend near Bodega said "get in your car and drive!" I thought,  why not?! So, I called her and we made plans to spend the night and go!  I'm so excited!

The ocean to me means so much.  It is my place of solace, of healing, of joy and respect. I have always had a stonger spiritual connection when in nature, and well, the ocean is the biggest conductor outside the temple for me.

I'm thrilled to recharge my batteries, enjoy sun and surf and be close to my Heavenly Father and my kids.

What are your plans for Memorial Day? Where is the best spot for you outside the temple/church where you feel close to those in Heaven?

Much love,

Jessie