It's About To Get More Confining

So, we as a family have felt we need to move back to where what we consider home. I'm not originally from there, but hubby was born and raised there. Things have been very hard here and it would be nice to be closer to family. As many surgeries and ER visits we've had between the 4 of us, it's insane. Hubby and I both work, so it will be nice to not have to pay a babysitter, even cheap ones are expensive!

My best friend is there too, so it's just lining up to be amazing. So, why am I so melancholy the last few days? I thought it might be that I am missing my family...they've all gone back, and I'm here still working and packing. But, it's something more.

It dawned on me as I was heading home from friends house for dinner tonight. My closet is about to get tiny again. And I'm not sure I can handle it this time. Nor, should I even have to think about it. But it is big on my mind.

The city I'm moving back to is much smaller, and is still very much a Republican or "a red state" the last few elections, they've gone blue, but not but much. And I grew up Republican, no big deal. I still hold many views of the Republican party...but about 2005 is when I switched. I got tired of all the shit they spew, hating people different from them, whether a different skin color or sexual orientation. I know so many people there, especially LDS people. It's going to be hard to be myself.

The city we are moving from is very small, very much the modest community. But, I work in a big, bustling city of over 2 million people about 20 miles away. And, people don't care, they'll hug you, love you for you. It's been the first time in a long time that I've been fully free. I could be myself, and it was okay to be. People would look at me and wouldn't get weird or awkward. I was embraced. It is a beautiful feeling.

And now, here I sit freaking out about my closet. I've kept it ajar for so many years, even up here in certain circles (usually church) and it's been nice to keep it ajar and still be able to disappear when I needed a quick exit. But the thought of even retreating back further than I've ever stepped out, it hurts. I don't like the chains that bind, but at the same time, they offer safety.

I feel like I just want to say "fuck it" And goes balls to the wall, but I just don't think I could.

Welcome to the life of a complicated woman!

Love,

Jessie

An Open Letter to President-elect Donald Trump and Vice President Pence

Dear President Elect Trump and Vice President Pence;

I am a Christian, conservative, married parent. I believe very much in my 2nd amendment rights. I believe that government is too big. I believe that a strong economy is what will help this nation survive. I believe that if we serve others, no matter their lot in life, it makes the world a better place.

Boy, I sound like your average Republican voter, right?

Well, I'm not. I am a minority in many ways. I am a woman, I am half Native American, and last but not least, I am part of the LGBT community. In these three areas, I find your view points to be completely off base, and down right sickening.

To say the horrible things about women, to "grab them by the pussy." And other vulgar things. As a father of a daughter, how can you say those things and still look her in the eye? As a father of sons, how can you condone this behavior as okay? Or dismiss it as harmless "locker room talk." This is not appropriate to say. It is demeaning. To give women scores of "1-10" by looks? Don't you realize most of us already think of ourselves as 1's on the scale? You're not helping ourself esteem. Our leaders should be lifting us up. Everyone. Our rights as women are very important. Please, keep our rights as women intact.

I look more white than not, but some can see my heritage in me. I do not experience racism like most do, but I have seen it, felt it, been involved in it (whether against me or friends/family). I have had friends make horrid comments without knowing who I am, and then fiercely apologize once they know who I am. I love the Mexican people. I speak Spanish and we have even had an exchange student from Mexico in our home. Her family is amazing and awesome. Her father is a good man and is a hard worker.  They have a good life in Mexico, but they are a rarity. Most good, hard working people are barely making ends meet. Even a job we as Americans deem as gross, or below us, they gladly accept them, because that shitty job in the US is better than a good job in Mexico. I have a great love for the Mexican people.

The only wall that should be in Mexico is those of a freshly fried tortilla, holding up those delicious taco fixings.

And finally, I direct this one more towards Vice President Pence: to condone electric the shock therapy to "cure the gay" is not okay. It is sickening. Yes, I am married to a man. Yes, I like women too. It is not the end of the world. We're not here to make everyone gay. I am raising two healthy and happy kids and from seeing how they are already, will be very straight. But, they also know, that if they aren't straight, we don't care. We are going to love them no matter what. Because there is nothing wrong with them. This is not a sickness. Think about it...with all the hate that still happens to the LGBT community, do you REALLY think it is a choice or that our brains are imbalanced? You think we choose to be discriminated against?! It's not okay. I promise, if we get married, will keep the divorce rate lower than hetero marriages. I am terrified especially for my transgender friends. If you only knew who they really are, you'd cry and hug everyone of them and say "I love you." Everyone should have a transgender friend!

I am pleading with you both, you have the nation in our hands...please, please, PLEASE look out for the minority, for the little guy. Please curb your hate rhetoric, please say something to stop those that are celebrating being able to be more racists, more homophobic, more sexism. You both have the power to use this position of authority to make the world a better place.

Please, hear the words of the minority. We maybe a small group....but when many small groups get together in the name of justice and right, we can and will be a formidable foe.

I truly hope you make America greater than it already is. I hope that you will earn the respect this office has held since the beginning. A lot is resting on your shoulders. I hope and pray you have the strength and heart for this office.

May you also be able to mend all this turnoil the election has caused. I have witnessed rioting in my city. I am sad. I am with the protests in spirit, I understand their frustrations...but I sure as hell don't condone the damage they're causing.

A part of me is still hopeful that you will turn into an amazing president and Vice president...but most of me is thinking these pleas will fall on deaf ears.

I pray that you prove me, and so many others like me wrong.

Sincerely,

Jessie,
A broken-hearted Bisexual, Native American, Mom who will continue to raise her amazing kids in a hate-free environment.

You're Amazing

Good morning world! How are y'y'all this morning?

I'm tired, but good! Getting ready for work!

I just want to say how awesome you are. How loved you are. You are amazing!

How cool, that we, as LGBT, we're by heavenly design, built this way!

It's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in this world right now. But I promise, you're so special. And if no one you know can see that, find those that do...because we're out here and ready to love and support you for you!

Have a beautiful day in this crazy world!

Love you!

Jess

We CAN Change This World, We NEED To Change This World

Well, it seems since my last post, my voice has reached more people than I ever imagined. My post on suicide became my #2 most read post EVER in 24 hours...and still climbing.

Which means, I feel an even bigger duty to post more than I have in the past couple years.

My heart hurts, really since Orlando. We as a Nation, and we as the WORLD have been hit so hard by so much violence. Cops are dying for other cops mistakes, people are dying because of their skin, because of the sexual orientation, people are dying for shopping at a mall, a truck through a crowd out for celebrations, a military coup. The list goes on...I mean, aren't you tired? I know I am, I'm . I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hearing this, I'm tired of what kind of world I have brought my children into, I'm scared to be pulled over by police, even though I look white (I am almost half native), I worry about my kids being kidnapped, youth (not just LGBT) losing their lives to suicide. I worry who the next president will be, because either one I'm scared to let them have nuclear launch codes...because that is the shit that happens today.

I had a lot of friends on Facebook say they were taking a break, I was thinking the same thing. I'm tired of the arguing about trivial things when you think about it...who is right, who is wrong. While we are doing this, arguing with each other, lives are lost. Lives are lost over all the things I listed above and more.

I do believe with all my heart, that if we stopped this, the pettiness of skin, or sex, or uniform, or religion and looked at ones goodness, their love for others. One act from a bad person claiming they are part of one group...they do not represent us all...and I think in the middle of all the fighting over who's life matters. Yes, black lives matter, yes blue lives matter, LGBT lives matter...WE ALL MATTER.

Is there a racial divide in this country? Yes, I have seen it and experienced it through friends...I have seen cops say to my friend, that her black son's murder doesn't matter because he was a thug...when he was the last thing from it. I have seen people grow up thinking all cops are bad because of one bad cop...I've seen people shout slurs of religious hate to me and to others...I have seen gay slurs tossed around like being gay was a bad thing.

We have the chance to change this nation for the good. We have a chance to change this world. We have the chance to teach our children to be better than us.

Get up, get out and love everyone. It sounds so easy, but some days it is really hard. I have a very quick temper...and if someone I don't know (sometimes those I DO know) will get a long string of explicits thrown at them. I need to be better...WE need to be better.

I'm not saying don't march, don't protest...sometimes we need that in our society for a little shake up. But do it peacefully, do it lovingly...and if you see someone having a hard day, give them a hug!

Love you all so much!

Jessy

Suicide-You Are Not Alone

Tonight, I am in tears. Tonight I am heartbroken.

Two mom's in two days have to now bury their gay sons. Sadly, the list their lives to suicide. Eventhough they were extremely loved, they didn't feel it...they felt what they had wasn't enough.

People don't think about suicide very much if it doesn't directly affect them...it is a statistic.

These are real people, they are not a statistic...and sadly being LGBT, you are at a higher risk for suicide.

I've been at the bottom, that feeling of "it would be better to just end it all." I got through it with my friends, family and music.

I have attached a photo of suicide hotlines in the US...I'm sorry I don't have all over the world's numbers...I don't even know how I'd post them. But please, feel free to post the numbers in your country!

Email me day or night, I don't care! If you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN!

And please, if you know someone that is LGBT...go and check on them! Make sure they're okay!! Give them that extra, "I love you and have your back."

Please. Let's make this a reality...let's make sure someone's babies will be here tomorrow.

Love, with all my heart!

Jessie

I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,

<3

Jessie

Never Talk To A Lesbian When You're Confused As Hell

Okay, so this is going to be lengthy, but there is a lot to cover.

So, a year ago, I had an unexpected thing happen. A confession if you will. There is a girl, who is bisexual and a dear friend that I have a crush on. She lives in another state. A little over a year ago, I happened to be nearby and we met up to visit. It was there, that I suddenly blurted out that I had feelings for her. I instantly regretted my decision. I'm married, she's married, I didn't want to lose my friend...see all the above. She reassured me there it was okay, but even for days after seeing her, I worried and fretted. She at one point told me, "Do you regret saying it?! Don't you DARE! I see how you and your hubby are so in love, and for you to want to share a piece of your heart with me, I am deeply honored." And well, we left it at that. She is the first girl I've said something like that to. I've had feelings for other women, but not something I've ever told them.

Fast forward to two months ago, and I'm back in her area. Things have been very rocky in her life, and I am totally worried about her. I wanted to see how she was physically doing. Our visit was short but good. We touched briefly on last year's unexpected confessions, and she again said she was honored. Which, isn't a rejection, but also, not a 'yes, I like you like that too.'

So, this week, something happened in her life. I found myself happy for her, and then the situation changed again...and I was devastated for her. I don't understand, and I really hope I don't ever have to understand.

Being a song writer, I turned to pen and paper. When I have a song inside me, I can't function right until the song is out on a page. When it isn't like this, it takes me FOREVER to write a song...but when it's like this, it takes me mere minutes. I'm writing and rhyming so fast that I don't have to time fully grasp what I am writing. So, I wrote, I wrote fast and beautifully. When I went to edit it, I was taken aback...the song that started off as a friend talking to a friend turned into a plea of love. To run away from it...to run to me.

Needless to say, I FREAKED OUT!!! I texted two friends, one is straight, one is a lesbian, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Straight friend is like, "Oh no, I think it just sounds super supportive." While my lesbian friend is all, "Damn, you got it bad."

So, me and lesbian friend dissected everything...and she came to the conclusion that I'm on the line, and it's just getting thinner. And then she told me how awesome sex with a woman is...that I'll never want to go back if I experience it right. My response? "I should hope for a bad experience then."

Which, is not my normal response. I talked with straight friend over conclusions. She said I need a third opinion. lol

Man, this has been a hard couple of days. It's hard to keep up sometimes.  You have people telling you, "You have one life, live it to the fullest." and then you have your religious upbringing (which I still follow) beating you on the head saying, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And that's the million dollar question...What the hell is wrong with me? We are told as LDS that it is okay to be gay, but not act upon it. But then, you're taught you're created after God's own likeness. And if you are, and it is okay to be gay, how can God be so cruel as to say you can't love who you want, rather it be a boy or girl?

So, my advice on this? You'll get the answer you want depending on who you ask...and sometimes it will make you even more confused than you already are.

Love you all and am still confused as hell,

Jessie

Open Letter To Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Elder Bednar,

First let me start off by saying, I have always loved you. I was at BYU-Idaho during your presidency there. I've met you and your wife on several occasions and another college friend of mine upon meeting you together said "He will make a great apostle one day." And when you received your calling as an Apostle of the Lord, we called each other up both excited  to have you as an apostle.

That being said, your comments that were made in Chile were heard around the world, it caused so much pain in my heart and in many others. To say gay people do not exist, that there are no gay people in the church.

I'm here to say that you are wrong. We do exist.

I am a bisexual LDS member. I hold a temple recommend, I am sealed to my wonderful spouse and we have two amazing kids that we are raising in the church.

I have a strong testimony of this church, I believe it to be true and that God loves us all, no matter what. But when we hear our leaders from apostles down to the ward level say hurtful things over the pulpit, it makes us want to run and hide or hurt ourselves because we feel so unloved. We feel like there is something wrong with us.

I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed on Sundays after a talk or lesson on homosexuality. People, completely oblivious to another's "secret" saying horrible remarks in Sunday School or in the hallways.

To this day, I am still not completely open to all my family and friends. But those that do know, have supported and loved me unconditionally. They love me for me.

I have had Bishops that, upon telling them don't give it a second thought because they know I am worthy to hold a temple recommend, while I've had others grill me about it when that wasn't even why I was there to talk with them.

We are taught to love all, respect all, no matter what race, religion, sex, etc because we are all God's children. But when we hear our apostles saying "gays don't exist" and other disheartening remarks, it sends a mixed message to the members. While some members have been very accepting and loving of LGBT members, I have seen families forced to move into different wards because of all of the hate and shunning that they were receiving because their kid happened to be gay.

This situation is very serious. We are losing so many LDS youth, from either leaving the church completely or taking their lives because they can't take anymore hatred towards them. We are losing our children.

Please, help change this around. Please, tell us we are a people loved by God and therefore should be treated with love too. This needs to be heard over every pulpit across the world. We are children of God too. We need just as much love and support as any other member.

But please, don't say we don't exisit. Because we do. We are very real and we will not be silenced into the corner any longer.

We are tired of the tears, of the fights. We need love and support.

Love,

A very real and very concerned LGBT LDS woman

Supreme Court and the Church "letter"

Hey my loves! It's been awhile, life just won't stop! Hubby is still out of state working and our house hasn't sold yet. Please throw some prayers our way!

First of all, YAAAAAAAAAAY on the Supreme Court decision! Of course I am happy about it. I was discussing it with my brother and he's all "No, it tramples on state's rights." Don't get me wrong, I am a big supporter of states rights...but this ruling has made it so the LGBT community can get married legally to a same sex partner without any penalties. I think it's beautiful. LGBT are no longer second class citizens.

I don't necessarily support gay marriage...I support happy marriage. Everyone has the right to be happy!

Now, the as to the now infamous "letter" from the church stating that the church disagrees with the ruling but we still welcome all to come to Christ. We should love one another and not support gay marriage.

Have faith, dear friends...everytime there has been a major ruling that has gone against church practices has eventually been changed through modern day revelation. When marriage was defined by the Supreme Court in the late 1800's to be "One man and one woman." The church came out with a response saying it's not the Lord's will, as they were practicing polygamy. Then those of African American decent, they had nearly 2 decades after the civil rights movement before they were allowed to have the Priesthood. Until the 80's, they asked to not mix races of the decent of Cain or Lamenites. I am nearly half Native American. If my family had listened to those words, I wouldn't be here today. The church today, defines marriage as one man and one woman, ANY worthy man can hold the Priesthood.

So, take heart, we are at the beginning stages of this change in our church. We are FINALLY starting to see more people being put into leadership roles that are more loving and accepting of the LDS LGBT population. The Lord is hearing our prayers to find love and understanding in his church.

Be strong, be faithful, and know that God loves YOU for YOU!!

And I love you too!

♡Jessie

To Be or Not To Be?

Hello my beautiful readers!

I have received several emails asking me that they wish I would update more often.

I do try, but life in my little family has been very challenging. I have  currently injured my arm and hubby will be having surgery here soon. So, I am very sorry I can't update more right now, but I am just trying to keep my family together!

The other thing I want to address with you is how honored I am. I am a perfect stranger and you are spilling your secrets to me seeking help, strength and encouragement. I think it helps that I am completely non-judging and only here to help.

That being sad, I do try and give advice from both sides. I lay it out very black and white.

I have had a few emails from woman lately that have desired to have a girlfriend while married...or even currently have a girlfriend with full spousal support.

I felt I need to address this more formally...I feel like there are more in the situation than we know about.

First of all, again, I am not judging. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I love you all, and understand the hurt and frustration of it all.

For those that have girlfriends with full spousal support, that is amazing and rare. Other women that have emailed me in the past, their husbands don't quite understand why and have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that they were bisexual, let alone wanting to be physically with another woman. I am very happy that you have that support!

For those that are thinking about it, it is a VERY hard decision to make. I sometimes still struggle with my decision to abstain from having a girlfriend at this time. My husband is my best friend, I have known him since high school. For me, I don't think I could forgive myself for the hurt it would cause him...when things really hit the fan when I first came out to more than him...I literally ran away from home for a day. When I came home, the relief on his face...he thought I was gone for good.

I stress this is a very hard decision. It comes down to this...if you are willing to potentially break up your marriage to explore this part of your life? For me, I am not there yet. But I am personally okay with my decision.

That being said, you need to be your genuine self. If you feel like this is something you need to explore, if it is crushing you not to do this. Then, you need to. Hiding and fighting these feelings with no outlet can be so damn exhausting.

I know this is not church doctrine. The church states "heterosexual and marriage only sex." Which I think is funny now considering the first few prophets had many wives...

I am not condoning monogamy, or a non-monogamous marriage. That is not something I will do. For me personally, I am okay with sacrificing the other part of my sexuality because of my love for my husband. If I wasn't in a good marriage...all bets would be off.

My hubby and I have joked that we'd be okay with a plural marriage as long as I get to pick one of the girls. Lol

I hope this helps.

I love you all so much. Thank you again for trusting with your secrets!

I remain, as always, your loyal friend!

♡

Jessie

LDS General Conference

I have a few thoughts that have been weighing on me since conference.

First of all, to the people that shouted "I DO NOT SUSTAIN YOU!" (or something to that effect.) When we were called to sustain our prophet and apostles. I understand your frustrations, I really do. But there is a time and place for it. It is a hard balance. But, anger only breeds anger, a hard lesson I learned so long ago. Know that I love you all and support your ideals of being heard, but not how it was done. Please know I am speaking with love and not condemning anyone. I have no right to judge. Nor do I know the whole reason why you did it. I invite you to contact me for an interview. I would love to get the full story!

The last few years, with the push for accepting LGBT people in the world is getting bigger and better, there is STILL a lot of push to stop these "counterfeit" lives. When L. Tom Perry said that, I died a little. I have always looked up to him. Him and my grandfather were Bishops in the Sacramento area together...so I grew up with a great respect and "grandfather type love" for the man. My heart was hurt. That some apostles (and the prophet) teach love and acceptance for our LGBT brothers and sisters, and other apostles say things like "counterfeit" about us.

It makes very vulnerable people do some tragic things. Two friends who are active LDS are trying to heal and deal with their LGBT kids attempt suicide after this last General Conference. Thank goodness they stopped themselves before they did. However, after reading other articles, there were some that weren't as lucky.

These impressionable kids, they are young and already confused as hell with their hormones...they don't need to have adults who they are told to look up to and respect telling them that something is wrong with them.

While I know that was not the intention behind it, the fact remains that it happened. These youth in our church are HURTING! They feel so lost, and when they go looking for guidance, for love, for acceptance they get met with words that make them confused, depressed and hurting more than they already are.

This is the one thing that has kept me in the church. We have ALWAYS been taught that God is a loving God, not a vengeful one. That he loves us no matter what! It's what keeps me going. So, when I hear these apostles of Christ speaking like this, it hurts, it hurts bad. It is a enough to shake my testimony a bit.

There has been much soul searching in my heart, a lot of prayer over these talks, over the attempted suicides and some that did take their lives. We truly are getting closer to the last days. We are starting to see a great divide in the church
We are seeing so many wars and pain, so much pain. We are trying to fight ourselves and we need to unite and fight back with love and goodness.

I have had too many experiences in my life as a member of the LDS faith to deny the church. I do believe it to be the true church of God on this earth. We have seen through its history, the evolution of our faith.

Black people were once not allowed to hold the Priesthood at all...it took so many years of prayers and pushing for that ban to be lifted...and even then, many people left the church thinking that a white person was more supreme.

I am, and have been called (recently even) a mix, a not pure blood. I am a mix of several Native American tribes and about half of Europe. I can pass as a dark white person or a light skinned native as I have qualities from both sides.

My point is this, at some point, many years ago, I had relatives that fell in love...their love was deemed a sin, their love wasn't allowed! Hell, even the church has stated in the past that we shouldn't mix races. And that "commandment" has since been removed.

It has taken centuries for us to evolve, for freedoms that we do have. It has taken a long time for racism to be stomped out...and it still isn't all the way, there are still people that hate people just for their skin color. They can't help what color of skin they were born with!!

And that is how it is with sexual orientation...we are born this way. And while the struggle is still very real, that were are having hatred and rights removed from us because of our "preferences." I hate that word "preference"...it is used in the manner like we have a choice and it is an easy choice. We do not. If we could choose not to have these feelings, we wouldn't. Do you think we like all the shit being done to us? I think not!

We are at the forefront of this fight. We are the pioneers...and we had pioneers before us! It is going to be a very long time until people will come around to loving us as is.

I know this church is true, with all my heart. I still sustain the Prophet and our Apostles. Is it hard to do? Sometimes, yes it is. But I have the faith that things will one day change. Do I know what that change will be? No, but something does need to change!

God and Christ are all loving, it's humans that aren't.

All my love,

Jessie

Things Are Changing in The Church!

Hello my loves! I'm back! Things are starting to turn around health wise...I appreciate your well wishes via email!

We recently received a new Relief Society President in our ward...the old one moved out. I do love the old one, I know she loved us with all her heart, but she was hard to approach sometimes.

I didn't know our knew one very well, and actually just started to get to know her in recent months. As you know from previous posts, I go to church for me, not for anyone else, because most people (it seems) in the ward don't like that I have more than one set of earrings or that I have tattoos or that I speak my mind when I hear the "gospel according to Sarah" (made up name) and not what the message is really supposed to mean. There are many times I've sat with a clenched jaw in class wanting to say some things but not really wanting to get hauled into the Bishop's office.

Anyhoo, I am a Visiting Teaching Supervisor, which means for those of you not LDS, that I am responsible for a group of women who go and visit usually about 4 different sisters a month. They check in with me, and I report if there are any needs that need to be met. Well, a need arose, and a most desperate one. I called her up to let her know what was up. Later on we just started texting. She said she loves seeing me at church because I light up the room.

I was floored. Wait, huh, who, me? You're joking, right?!

And then went off on a tangent...and I said things I thought I would NEVER say to a Relief Society President!  I told her I don't feel that way, I feel more like pierced up, tattooed, bisexual, outcast that speaks my mind when someone gets on their high horse...especially when they say Mormons are so much better than anyone else. Excuse me?! Ghandi, the Popes (minus a few waaaaaay back), Mother Teresa, they're going to heaven, it's not just us Mormons.

As soon as I sent the text, I quickly sent "sorry about the rant".

She then texted back a very lengthy response thanking me for the rant. She shared some beautiful and painful things she has gone through...but the one thing that stuck out was "I have a gay married daughter, together they have a baby. She loves the church and loves the way she was raised and wants to raise her kids the same but fears the judgement. I could not be more proud of her, she is a VERY amazing person."

The point of me sharing this rather lengthy story, my friends is this: Our Heavenly Father knows us, he hears our struggles, our pain, our DAILY strugglings with our feelings, our feelings of no self worth because they tell us time and again, "it is a sin to be gay." Even though our Prophet and Apostles are saying, commanding, nearly YELLING at us, they are pleading over the pulpit to have more compassion for us that are having these struggles...that we can walk among each other with our judgment, without prejudice. That we can love one another...it's not just a song folks...it's a commandment.

And I just saw this in my own ward. We now have a leader that has first hand love and the upmost respect for her daughter...who is no different, she is a good person who just happens to be gay. She is a daughter of God, and he loves every single one of us.

Things are changing, and it makes me excited!

With all my love,

Jessie

So Much On My Mind!

Hello my beautiful readers! I hope this Father's Day finds you in good health and spirits!

So, apparently my last two blog post didn't actually post! Oooops! Sorry! I'm still here!

We've had a very busy few months as a family and me on a personal level! Trying to still breathe while treading water is hard!

I even have an interview for my blog (yes! You'll be able to hear me!) Hopefully in the near future! The interviewer and I keep setting up times and something keeps happening!  Gah! Stay tuned!

Busy, busy, busy!

Also, I've had a few emails in regards to the Ordained Women and the discipline hearings they've been summoned to (aka possible excommunication.) I'm still mulling over my  response to all of it. So, hopefully in the next day or two!

All my love,

Jessie

Judge Not/Happy Holidays

This time of year, I celebrate Christmas. I have friends that celebrate Yule, Hanukkah, and other numerous holidays that happen this time of year.

I'm seeing all this stuff lately about so much hate, and it saddens me greatly. People are getting really judgy over some people's personal choices...even though it has no effect in their personal lives.

For example,

I recently had some new ink done on myself. I went from one tattoo to three. They all have wonderful meanings and are very symbolic of things that are very important to me.  While tattoos are not encouraged, they are not against our Mormon laws. I've seen many older men in the temple with tattoos on their hands...usually do to being in the military.  If they're allowed in, why can't I?  There is no reason that I cannot be allowed my temple blessings. My body is a temple, mine just has some stained glass windows. :-)

Well, of course I'm getting some flack for all of this...even from family...but I have one family member in particular (who I rarely see and rarely talk to.) She likes to look at all my facebook stuff I post and then talk shit about me to other family members behind my back. They've even warned my mom that I'm not following the path that I should, that they're worried about me.

She decided to passively aggressively post an article on her facebook knowing good and well I'd read it. It was about Tattoos and Mormons...she put something along the lines of "Well said! Exactly what I think many people are forgetting anymore. We just have to follow the words of our prophets."

Words of our prophets indeed.  So, I was chatting with my sister about this and she told me to re-read this General Conference talk by President Uctdorf  The Merciful Obtain Mercy.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from the talk.

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

I love you all so much. I relish in your strength and individuality. You are all so beautiful inside and out!!

God loves you, and I love you!!

Happy Holidays!

<3

Jessie

Unashamed Desires

Okay, so I'm so sorry again to be offline for so long. I haven't been ignoring, I swear!  This has been a year a sickness man!  My son got really sick (never does!), then went into croup with my two-year-old that landed us in the ER it was so bad...and this bug that has been going around giving kids croup has been giving adults a 3 stage flu...apparently I'm in the 3rd stage...and it sucks! What's fun is watching people gawk at you while you're tossing your cookies outside of Walmart because you needed some more meds. GAH!

But I digress...A friend of mine and I have been sending youtubes back and forth of some good songs we thought the other might like.  I sent her today an old Missy Higgins song called "Steer".  Upon looking up that video, I discovered some videos that I have the album to, but haven't seen the video for.

I have heard this song "Unashamed Desires" dozens of times and the power of the song never hit me until I saw the video. If you've read my Bi and Gay Musicians post, you'll know that Missy is Bisexual.  Take a listen and watch the video. Both male and female dancers slowly and sensually strip her to almost nothing, while she repeats "I've got nothing to hide." in the middle she says "Oh, and I'm, not afraid to love, not afraid to love, unashamed desires" at the very end she sings "I don't want to waste my time holding down the truth, I've got everything to win, only pain to lose. This is my unashamed desire."

This is my hope and wish for us all. That it is like she sings UNASHAMED!!!  <3 Jessie

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

Thank You!

Hello all!!  Hope you're having a WONDERFUL Saturday!  It's partly cloudy and MUCH warmer than in recent days!  I'm not a big fan of snow!

I first want to thank you all for the well wishes and prayers about mine and my family's health!  It truly means a lot!  They think I have pinched nerve in my back...so more tests coming soon!  As for everyone else, we're just plugging along going through minor colds and what not!  I'm just hoping my back gets a little better...it HAS to!  My hubby's busiest months are November and December.  It makes for good Christmas' but at the same time, I'd rather have him home! :)

So, I looked at the stats, and with your help, I'm just shy by 30 views to make 5,000!!  It's insane!!  This blog started out as NOTHING...and now it's starting to progress into something that people read as soon as a new post comes up!  This to me is mind-blowing.

I also now have a back log on e-mails and posts!  This has never happened before!  I am so humbled by this!  I commend you for your opening yourselves up to me, for sharing your stories!  I'm starting to see how one individuals' life story can hit home to a person where another will not resonate.

I love that you let me share your stories or questions on here!  It really does make a difference!!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thank you SO much!!

<3

Jessie

Repeat After Me

So, I have been e-mailing back and forth with "M" the last couple weeks.  She's been struggling (as we've seen in her previous Q&A's)

So, I sent her this and I think it works on so many levels with many religious people who are struggling right now.  Now, this is set up for M, but please insert you where you need to.

Repeat after me:

"I am a Daughter Of God who loves me and I love him.  He loves me for every flaw, regardless of whether issues with my sexuality are deemed a "flaw" or not...He still loves me and is SO proud of me!  By admitting this to myself, it does NOT change me, it does NOT make me different or "unclean".  I am STILL the SAME Daughter of God. This part of me is but a SMALL part of who I am.  Whomever thinks that I am NOT worthy of God's love, their love, or any love in my life obviously doesn't know me or know God...and they can go fuck* themselves."

*omit if needed. :-)

Charity is the pure love of Christ. If we are lost in the service of fellow man, helping them up when down instead of being the ones to knock them down, oh, how wonderful this world would be!!  When we love someone unconditionally despite race, religion, gender or orientation, we become closer to Christ. He would never shun someone who needed help. He would invite them in and love them.

Peace be unto you. I hope this helps you rise up and never be the same. Whether it's to help support you in your own life or show you that everyone needs love, whether you agree with their decisions in life. It is not your job to judge them, it is your job to LOVE them.

<3 you all so much!

Jessie

Q&A 7 "How Do You Keep From Feeling 'Dirty'?"

Okay guys, I've been holding this one in my hand for awhile. I haven't known what to say.  After this weekend's General Conference, I feel so much better about what I'm going to say.

So, this is the second part question from "M": How do you stop yourself from feeling "dirty" about yourself?

Well, it's a hard question, especially when you here who we think of as an Apostle of God standing proud and firm at the pulpit repeating the phrase "Marriage between a man and a woman only." or "These so-called 'same-sex' marriages are a sin."  I have to admit, I was on a spiritual high, and then hearing Dallin H. Oaks speak made me cringe and feel awful.

It's so hard, when we've grown up in the era of the Prophets saying, "Only to act on homosexuality is a sin." meaning that "it's okay to have these feelings, we just have to resist the urge."...however, it you are older than a teenager and grew up in the church, that was NOT what was preached over the pulpit...I remember as a youth, feeling horrible Sunday after Sunday when these feelings would hit and then I'd just feel horrible, like I was doing something wrong in my life.  But no, I was going to church, I was doing what I was supposed, I was following the commandments...and this is what I am left feeling?

So, I did what most of us did in the 90's, we took it and bottled it up. I went to an LDS college, I dated good, LDS men...I even dated one who struggled with bouts of homosexualty on his own.  We decided we were better being friends, and he was a best friend while up there. He opened up and said things to me that I know only a Bishop had heard.

Then, I came back home from college for a break, and the Elder I had dated in high school came home, we fell even further in love...we got engaged...I told him one night nervous and in a joking way that if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark ever asked me out, I would probably go...(you can bet my husband had a near heart attack when I mentioned I just bumped into Terri Clark at the hotel I worked at! A few years back! lol)

And everything was fine, I was fine, he was fine, we were very happy.  Then that e-mail that I cursed but now am thankful for came out...asking me to have an affair...it was so horrible, yet so tempting at the same time.  It brought it all back, and in full force.

Lots of talking with friends, husband and this blog has really helped.  It's very hard not to feel guilty about it all, and some days, it gets to me...but you know who that is?  That is just the opposition, making you think that you are not good enough how you are...that there is something wrong with you.  But that's just not the case.  When people say you're not born with it, I get so upset...I don't know why I am the way I am, but I know that when I have a sexual dream, it's usually a girl than a guy...last night even, I was engaged to a REALLY hot blonde chick (not usually my type! lol)...so I know that somewhere in my subconscious I do like girls too.

I guess for me, when it all broke loose, it came out with how much I love my husband and am willing to make our marriage and covenants we've made in the temple work.

You have to know that God loves you, he is always there for you...and yes, sometimes we will hear things that make us feel horrible, make us think we're not good enough...treat them like you would somebody hating on you're religion...let it roll off your back and laugh.

Will you maybe lose friends and family if this gets out. Yes, you can...and there are still some family members I am not out to because they wouldn't understand.  But, where you might lose a friend, you'll gain two more that were more loving and understanding than the former was...they will love you for who you are.

And that, my dear, is beautiful!

<3

Jessie

Q&A #6 How Did You Tell Your Husband?

Hello everyone!  After a few weeks of utter chaos (yet again, lol) I'm finally able to sit down, breathe and collect my thoughts. I am sorry that it does take me a while sometimes to answer.  But I like to have a quiet moment and I try and lead my thoughts and answers through the spirit.

This two part question comes from "M", I will answer her second question in another post:

"I do have a question about coming out to your husband, how did you do it and how did he take it?  I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half and I totally love him.  But I don't want to hide something so prominent about myself from him.  I don't know how to tell him, and I'm scared he'll leave.  I'm scared because I think we will get married and have a family. I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to hide myself from him."

M, this is a very hard question to answer. There is no perfect answer.  It depends on the man and how secure he is and how much he does love you.  I do have one question for you, and I think this would be a make or break deal for you.  Have you guys talked about homosexuality in the past?  What does he think about it?

If he is disgusted by it or thinks it's wrong, then you will have a hard road ahead.  Either having to end the relationship or hide it forever.  Neither is a good option, but I would say break it off instead of hiding yourself, because the longer you hide it, the more bottled up it gets.  Trust me, it will come out.  It might not be for decades, but it will come out.  And it's best that you do it on your terms instead of having a slip of the tongue one day.

If he is okay with homosexuality, then, there is hope for you guys!  I told my hubby (fiancee at the time), that I will love him forever and ever, but if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark asked me out, I would probably say yes.  He took it in good stride until a few years ago when everything that was bottled up came back to bite me pretty hard on the ass.  I got an e-mail from a "friend" asking me to have an affair with her.  I was crushed and heartbroken that someone would do that.  There was a closet way in the back of my soul where these demons just laid in wait for their moment to pounce.

And believe me, it sucked.  It sucked so hard.  I cried, hubby cried...I even ran away from home for the day.  My poor hubby, he thought for awhile that I was done, that I was leaving him for good.  It was a cold December day, I drove 4 hours away to one of my favorite spots in the world, mama ocean.  It was there that I sat in a cove sheltered by the cold rain and prayed and prayed and prayed.  I don't think I have ever prayed that long before.

But, with that praying and being so close to my Heavenly Father that day, I felt so much better about myself, and I knew that we'd all be okay.  I knew that we would have bumps along the way, but in the end we would be stronger for that.

That being said, it doesn't mean we don't have hard days about it and that he gets insecure that he's not "man enough" for me.  He does have days where the fear in the back of his mind gets to him.

In fact, just last week.  We were talking about the news about women in the church starting a movement to be ordained in the Priesthood.  He seemed very upset by my responses when we were talking.  My responses were such that I'm okay with women holding the Priesthood, women were ordained in the early church, we as women today are allowed to use the Priesthood when needed (i.e. if there is a sick/hurt person and no Priesthood holders to administer, we as women can.  I have in fact, I had to one time and I have seen it done before), but having that gift to hold the priesthood is not something I think I am ready for.  It is a very sacred, serious gift.  But I am very okay with women given the opportunity to do so.

He was visibly upset about the whole conversation.  Later on, I asked him why he was being "such an ass" about it, when I was just stating true facts.  He sheepishly replied, "If you hold the priesthood, what good am I to you?  Deep down inside, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm afraid you'd leave me for another woman."

I gave him a big hug and kiss and said, "Baby, it's been 10 years, if I was going to leave, I would have done so by now.  You are my best friend, my lover, my husband, and an amazing dad.  We're stuck with each other.  I'm not going anywhere."

So, like I said there is no perfect answer. It depends on his reactions. Don't hide it, be honest with him. If he can't accept this part of you, then he never was yours in the first place. It's better to have a broken heart now than ten years down the road when there are kids involded...because once that happens, things can get ugly fast.

I'm not going to lie, this will be a hard thing to do. Because once you say it out loud to someone you love, whether it be a friend, family or your boyfriend, it becomes real.  Be prepared to answer questions.  Be totally honest and open with him, that way he can never accuse you of ever lying to him about this. I would pray about it and let the spirit guide you.

Good luck dear, there are many here that read this that are in your corner! Just breathr and know you are greatly loved by many!

<3

Jessie