Open Letter To Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Elder Bednar,

First let me start off by saying, I have always loved you. I was at BYU-Idaho during your presidency there. I've met you and your wife on several occasions and another college friend of mine upon meeting you together said "He will make a great apostle one day." And when you received your calling as an Apostle of the Lord, we called each other up both excited  to have you as an apostle.

That being said, your comments that were made in Chile were heard around the world, it caused so much pain in my heart and in many others. To say gay people do not exist, that there are no gay people in the church.

I'm here to say that you are wrong. We do exist.

I am a bisexual LDS member. I hold a temple recommend, I am sealed to my wonderful spouse and we have two amazing kids that we are raising in the church.

I have a strong testimony of this church, I believe it to be true and that God loves us all, no matter what. But when we hear our leaders from apostles down to the ward level say hurtful things over the pulpit, it makes us want to run and hide or hurt ourselves because we feel so unloved. We feel like there is something wrong with us.

I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed on Sundays after a talk or lesson on homosexuality. People, completely oblivious to another's "secret" saying horrible remarks in Sunday School or in the hallways.

To this day, I am still not completely open to all my family and friends. But those that do know, have supported and loved me unconditionally. They love me for me.

I have had Bishops that, upon telling them don't give it a second thought because they know I am worthy to hold a temple recommend, while I've had others grill me about it when that wasn't even why I was there to talk with them.

We are taught to love all, respect all, no matter what race, religion, sex, etc because we are all God's children. But when we hear our apostles saying "gays don't exist" and other disheartening remarks, it sends a mixed message to the members. While some members have been very accepting and loving of LGBT members, I have seen families forced to move into different wards because of all of the hate and shunning that they were receiving because their kid happened to be gay.

This situation is very serious. We are losing so many LDS youth, from either leaving the church completely or taking their lives because they can't take anymore hatred towards them. We are losing our children.

Please, help change this around. Please, tell us we are a people loved by God and therefore should be treated with love too. This needs to be heard over every pulpit across the world. We are children of God too. We need just as much love and support as any other member.

But please, don't say we don't exisit. Because we do. We are very real and we will not be silenced into the corner any longer.

We are tired of the tears, of the fights. We need love and support.

Love,

A very real and very concerned LGBT LDS woman

So Much On My Mind!

Hello my beautiful readers! I hope this Father's Day finds you in good health and spirits!

So, apparently my last two blog post didn't actually post! Oooops! Sorry! I'm still here!

We've had a very busy few months as a family and me on a personal level! Trying to still breathe while treading water is hard!

I even have an interview for my blog (yes! You'll be able to hear me!) Hopefully in the near future! The interviewer and I keep setting up times and something keeps happening!  Gah! Stay tuned!

Busy, busy, busy!

Also, I've had a few emails in regards to the Ordained Women and the discipline hearings they've been summoned to (aka possible excommunication.) I'm still mulling over my  response to all of it. So, hopefully in the next day or two!

All my love,

Jessie

Repeat After Me

So, I have been e-mailing back and forth with "M" the last couple weeks.  She's been struggling (as we've seen in her previous Q&A's)

So, I sent her this and I think it works on so many levels with many religious people who are struggling right now.  Now, this is set up for M, but please insert you where you need to.

Repeat after me:

"I am a Daughter Of God who loves me and I love him.  He loves me for every flaw, regardless of whether issues with my sexuality are deemed a "flaw" or not...He still loves me and is SO proud of me!  By admitting this to myself, it does NOT change me, it does NOT make me different or "unclean".  I am STILL the SAME Daughter of God. This part of me is but a SMALL part of who I am.  Whomever thinks that I am NOT worthy of God's love, their love, or any love in my life obviously doesn't know me or know God...and they can go fuck* themselves."

*omit if needed. :-)

Charity is the pure love of Christ. If we are lost in the service of fellow man, helping them up when down instead of being the ones to knock them down, oh, how wonderful this world would be!!  When we love someone unconditionally despite race, religion, gender or orientation, we become closer to Christ. He would never shun someone who needed help. He would invite them in and love them.

Peace be unto you. I hope this helps you rise up and never be the same. Whether it's to help support you in your own life or show you that everyone needs love, whether you agree with their decisions in life. It is not your job to judge them, it is your job to LOVE them.

<3 you all so much!

Jessie

Q&A 7 "How Do You Keep From Feeling 'Dirty'?"

Okay guys, I've been holding this one in my hand for awhile. I haven't known what to say.  After this weekend's General Conference, I feel so much better about what I'm going to say.

So, this is the second part question from "M": How do you stop yourself from feeling "dirty" about yourself?

Well, it's a hard question, especially when you here who we think of as an Apostle of God standing proud and firm at the pulpit repeating the phrase "Marriage between a man and a woman only." or "These so-called 'same-sex' marriages are a sin."  I have to admit, I was on a spiritual high, and then hearing Dallin H. Oaks speak made me cringe and feel awful.

It's so hard, when we've grown up in the era of the Prophets saying, "Only to act on homosexuality is a sin." meaning that "it's okay to have these feelings, we just have to resist the urge."...however, it you are older than a teenager and grew up in the church, that was NOT what was preached over the pulpit...I remember as a youth, feeling horrible Sunday after Sunday when these feelings would hit and then I'd just feel horrible, like I was doing something wrong in my life.  But no, I was going to church, I was doing what I was supposed, I was following the commandments...and this is what I am left feeling?

So, I did what most of us did in the 90's, we took it and bottled it up. I went to an LDS college, I dated good, LDS men...I even dated one who struggled with bouts of homosexualty on his own.  We decided we were better being friends, and he was a best friend while up there. He opened up and said things to me that I know only a Bishop had heard.

Then, I came back home from college for a break, and the Elder I had dated in high school came home, we fell even further in love...we got engaged...I told him one night nervous and in a joking way that if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark ever asked me out, I would probably go...(you can bet my husband had a near heart attack when I mentioned I just bumped into Terri Clark at the hotel I worked at! A few years back! lol)

And everything was fine, I was fine, he was fine, we were very happy.  Then that e-mail that I cursed but now am thankful for came out...asking me to have an affair...it was so horrible, yet so tempting at the same time.  It brought it all back, and in full force.

Lots of talking with friends, husband and this blog has really helped.  It's very hard not to feel guilty about it all, and some days, it gets to me...but you know who that is?  That is just the opposition, making you think that you are not good enough how you are...that there is something wrong with you.  But that's just not the case.  When people say you're not born with it, I get so upset...I don't know why I am the way I am, but I know that when I have a sexual dream, it's usually a girl than a guy...last night even, I was engaged to a REALLY hot blonde chick (not usually my type! lol)...so I know that somewhere in my subconscious I do like girls too.

I guess for me, when it all broke loose, it came out with how much I love my husband and am willing to make our marriage and covenants we've made in the temple work.

You have to know that God loves you, he is always there for you...and yes, sometimes we will hear things that make us feel horrible, make us think we're not good enough...treat them like you would somebody hating on you're religion...let it roll off your back and laugh.

Will you maybe lose friends and family if this gets out. Yes, you can...and there are still some family members I am not out to because they wouldn't understand.  But, where you might lose a friend, you'll gain two more that were more loving and understanding than the former was...they will love you for who you are.

And that, my dear, is beautiful!

<3

Jessie

Q&A #6 How Did You Tell Your Husband?

Hello everyone!  After a few weeks of utter chaos (yet again, lol) I'm finally able to sit down, breathe and collect my thoughts. I am sorry that it does take me a while sometimes to answer.  But I like to have a quiet moment and I try and lead my thoughts and answers through the spirit.

This two part question comes from "M", I will answer her second question in another post:

"I do have a question about coming out to your husband, how did you do it and how did he take it?  I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half and I totally love him.  But I don't want to hide something so prominent about myself from him.  I don't know how to tell him, and I'm scared he'll leave.  I'm scared because I think we will get married and have a family. I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to hide myself from him."

M, this is a very hard question to answer. There is no perfect answer.  It depends on the man and how secure he is and how much he does love you.  I do have one question for you, and I think this would be a make or break deal for you.  Have you guys talked about homosexuality in the past?  What does he think about it?

If he is disgusted by it or thinks it's wrong, then you will have a hard road ahead.  Either having to end the relationship or hide it forever.  Neither is a good option, but I would say break it off instead of hiding yourself, because the longer you hide it, the more bottled up it gets.  Trust me, it will come out.  It might not be for decades, but it will come out.  And it's best that you do it on your terms instead of having a slip of the tongue one day.

If he is okay with homosexuality, then, there is hope for you guys!  I told my hubby (fiancee at the time), that I will love him forever and ever, but if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark asked me out, I would probably say yes.  He took it in good stride until a few years ago when everything that was bottled up came back to bite me pretty hard on the ass.  I got an e-mail from a "friend" asking me to have an affair with her.  I was crushed and heartbroken that someone would do that.  There was a closet way in the back of my soul where these demons just laid in wait for their moment to pounce.

And believe me, it sucked.  It sucked so hard.  I cried, hubby cried...I even ran away from home for the day.  My poor hubby, he thought for awhile that I was done, that I was leaving him for good.  It was a cold December day, I drove 4 hours away to one of my favorite spots in the world, mama ocean.  It was there that I sat in a cove sheltered by the cold rain and prayed and prayed and prayed.  I don't think I have ever prayed that long before.

But, with that praying and being so close to my Heavenly Father that day, I felt so much better about myself, and I knew that we'd all be okay.  I knew that we would have bumps along the way, but in the end we would be stronger for that.

That being said, it doesn't mean we don't have hard days about it and that he gets insecure that he's not "man enough" for me.  He does have days where the fear in the back of his mind gets to him.

In fact, just last week.  We were talking about the news about women in the church starting a movement to be ordained in the Priesthood.  He seemed very upset by my responses when we were talking.  My responses were such that I'm okay with women holding the Priesthood, women were ordained in the early church, we as women today are allowed to use the Priesthood when needed (i.e. if there is a sick/hurt person and no Priesthood holders to administer, we as women can.  I have in fact, I had to one time and I have seen it done before), but having that gift to hold the priesthood is not something I think I am ready for.  It is a very sacred, serious gift.  But I am very okay with women given the opportunity to do so.

He was visibly upset about the whole conversation.  Later on, I asked him why he was being "such an ass" about it, when I was just stating true facts.  He sheepishly replied, "If you hold the priesthood, what good am I to you?  Deep down inside, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm afraid you'd leave me for another woman."

I gave him a big hug and kiss and said, "Baby, it's been 10 years, if I was going to leave, I would have done so by now.  You are my best friend, my lover, my husband, and an amazing dad.  We're stuck with each other.  I'm not going anywhere."

So, like I said there is no perfect answer. It depends on his reactions. Don't hide it, be honest with him. If he can't accept this part of you, then he never was yours in the first place. It's better to have a broken heart now than ten years down the road when there are kids involded...because once that happens, things can get ugly fast.

I'm not going to lie, this will be a hard thing to do. Because once you say it out loud to someone you love, whether it be a friend, family or your boyfriend, it becomes real.  Be prepared to answer questions.  Be totally honest and open with him, that way he can never accuse you of ever lying to him about this. I would pray about it and let the spirit guide you.

Good luck dear, there are many here that read this that are in your corner! Just breathr and know you are greatly loved by many!

<3

Jessie

I'm Not Going ANYWHERE!!

Greetings all!  It's me, again!

This will be quick, as I'm nodding off!  I am currently in bed with a million thoughts on my brain!  The main focus this week is making sure everything is set up for my son's baptism on Saturday!  Oh my goodness, how time does really fly!!

Anyhoo, I received a few beautiful e-mails from "M". I've never received anything from her before, but I was very humbled by her message of struggle, anxiety, and acceptance within herself.  She has asked me a few important questions that I keep trying to get to, but life keeps getting in the way!

...you know life, the times where you can't seem to get a peaceful moment within the day to yourself unless you lock yourself in the bathroom JUST to get some peace and quiet for two minutes.  Why two minutes? Because that's about the time it takes for my two year old to bust down the barrier keeping her in the living room, have her and my 8 year old tag team me with questions about homework and dinner while little fingers wiggle under the door and I hear whispers of "Hi mama!" followed by knocking asking when I'm going to be done.

Well, one thing really struck me about M's e-mail. She asked me to not stop, because when she's having a really hard day, she comes and reads my blog because it helps her through bad days.

Well M, I'm here to tell you girl, I am NOT going anywhere!  Things might be a little chaotic right now and I'm not getting the blogging done I would like.

But PLEASE know, that my e-mail account is linked to my phone.  I get all you e-mails rather quickly!

I am always here, Biandlds@gmail.com!  If you're having a really bad day and just need to talk but can't wait for my next blog, shoot me an e-mail!

One big thing I want to say in closing is this, I know that sometimes we all feel alone. Especial when people deem our feelings as "wrong" or "sinful". Please, PLEASE remember you are not alone in ANY of this dear M! (this includes the rest of you too!)

That is why I started this blog.  It's hard to be so open and raw here on the internet...but, the more e-mails I get, the stronger this blog becomes. It is not just my thoughts out there swirling around the internet anymore.  This is becoming a support group where someone who might not understand what's exactly going on inside them, their feelings, etc.

This blog is becoming bigger and it's because all of you!  I just LOVE IT!!!

If you could only see all the emails I get!  We are a big support group, we all love and look out for each other, because we know what it's like to be on the outside looking in.

But you know what's cool?  Soon, there will be more people outside than in, and they will be wanting to join US because we have better food for the soul!

So, I'm not going anywhere, and neither all the readers.  We are here to stay!

We "freaks" have to stick together!!

All my love!

Jessie <3

Shame On Me? Shame On You!

Well, we're back into the swing of school and we've had SO much smoke from nearby fires that we've been cooped up in the house for three weeks. It's been awful!  And because EVERYONE in town is too and school started, we all have a hideous cold.

But enough about that.  That's not why I'm posting today.

So, as you guy have noticed I swear, not all the time, not often, but I do, and never in front of the kids... I think the worst thing I've said in front of my kids is "damn it!"

About a week or so ago, I posted a funny e-card on my wall and said, "yes, there are a few people I'd like to bitch slap now and again." or something to that point.

Well, a woman in the ward who I've known for years but aren't really friends (She's the sister-in-law of a dear friend of mine.) posted the word 'Language!!!!' yes, with 4 exclamation points.  Well, I started to get VERY defensive and wrote pretty much a nice "Fuck You!" to her...but before I hit send, I thought I'd better call my friend, who is also in the ward and MUCH more level headed than I. So, I did and we talked about it.  She advised me not to do anything, to ignore it, because it will start a big stink that I don't need...and then I remembered...her sister-in-law is our Relief Society Pres in our ward.  Yeah, I don't need that!

So, instead I chose a slightly "childish route" as my hubby said, and peppered my fb page with a bunch of swearing...mostly it was "hell's" and "damns" but there were some "bitches" and "shits" in there too.

But I wanted to so badly say "Shame on me?! Shame on YOU!"  EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE sins, makes bad choices.  Some, like mine are easier to see.  I have a tattoo, I have more than one hole in each ear (5 total).  My mom told me once she said to a friend about people judging her because she smoked but still attended church.  She said, "If everyone's sins stunk, no one would be able to sit through church." and that the same with me...just because you can see some what you think are "bad choices" on my part doesn't give YOU the right to be all high and mighty and judge me for it.

I go to church every Sunday, I even went to the temple last night and it was beautiful! And guess what?! They saw my piercings and still hugged me and treated me like a sister.  There was a man in there with a navy tattoo (can't see mine easily), and they treated him no different.

I've had people tell me MANY times before that they've always hated how Mormon's treated them and were reluctant to be my friend but then they found out who I was and said, "You're the coolest Mormon I know.  You treat everyone the same no matter what.  You love them and respect them, no matter what they've done or do." They've even at times have asked me questions, something they never thought was approachable before.  And I've always had an answer, thanks to the Spirit.

Jesus said love everyone and do not judge.  So, I try hard to follow that.  Even if it means breaking "the appearance" of being Mormon.  When I've talked to people that were so against the church before, I've always been excited, and I feel the spirit deep within me helping say the words that will fill their needs and answers.

Have any of them joined the church? No, not yet, but they part ways with me having a better respect for the Mormon Faith, that even a misfit like me can find joy and happiness in an often described "confining religion".

Christ was a misfit too, all the "cool" people wanted him dead, only the lepers, the prostitutes, the sick and poor...the misfits accepted him.  So why, of why would you tear somebody down for how she speaks?  I am honest, and if honest means a bit of swearing, so be it.  I'll continue doing what I'm doing and following in the footsteps of the ultimate misfit and love EVERYONE.

This song is called "Shame On You" by the Indigo Girls, my favorite line is "My friend Tanner, she says 'You know me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fucking up'."

Enjoy! And just be yourself!!  It sucks to try to impersonate!

<3 Always,

 Jessie

4 Years

Today, I was actually e-mailing back and forth with a reader and we were chatting about music...as you know I have a huge love of music.

Well, a few moments after I sent the last e-mail, I realized something, today my dad's been gone 4 years.  He could be a real dork sometimes, but I know he loved me very much.  He always loved to take me fishing, that some of the first memories I have of him, sitting on a boat on a lake in Texas when I was 4 and caught my first fish.

So after a lot of tears, and am smiling and still crying, but I want to share the perfect song that came after my dad passed...it's the perfect song for me and him.  Trace Adkins' "Just Fishing"

If you've lost your daddy, I hope you still hold him dear and think of him often.

<3

Jessie

Sorry It's Been So Long

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long.

We've been hit with so much medical going on that I feel like I can't see straight.

Some has to do with me, I had a minor routine surgical procedure (about every six months) and something happened that never happened before, the knicked a nerve that goes to my right leg with numbing stuff. When the procedure was done, my left side of my right leg was completely numb. My kids would laugh when my leg would spontaneously give way and I'd spaz comically trying to keep from falling. Then the numbness slowly wore off into excruciating pain. They told me it would take upto two month for the pain to subside. Oh joy. Thankfully they gave me a nerve med that does help but it still hurts.

And now I'm sick. Oh what fun.

This Thursday, we have to leave again for San Francisco for another UCSF appointment. My hubby was officially diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder and so we're going to take the kids and get them tested too as there are some high risks for cancers and other problems (like what my husband has). This disorder is so rare there are only a few dozen reported cases within the U.S.
So there isn't much info that is out there to help us cope with this.

I will not be currently disclosing the actual disease because it is so rare that it would give away my identity to some friends and family and I'm currently not ready to do so.  I might start another blog or something chronicling our issues to help other deal with this. Because the more we know, the more we can figure this out.

My son started school already! Big ol' 3rd grader! Crazy how time flies!

And in about a week my mom is arriving for the big September celebration of both my kid's birthdays (they are 5 years and 364 days apart...we didn't plan that! Lol) and for my son's baptism. He'll be 8 and being we are LDS, kids get baptized at 8 years old or beyond...whenever they choose to.

With my mom coming (and I do love it when she comes) she highly allergic to dogs, which we have two that live in and out of the house...but not in the bedrooms or on the furniture (although they do try!) Which means I have to seriously de-dog the house...and she's allergic to garlic...which is in EVERY dinner meal...it is a staple in the house. *le sigh*.

We are also on pins and needles as we're waiting for my brother to get his kidney transplant. After ten years he's finally at the top again. So, when he gets the call, we have about 8 hours to get him from Vegas to San Francisco.

So if you don't hear from me for a bit, sorry, I'm trying to keep it all together right now and trying to be there for my family.

I do have a great Q&A coming with a reader that grew up Greek Orthodox and is gay. It's a very wonderful story. Juat needa to be touched up...but haven't had the time!

Take care! Love you all!

Jessie

A Decade of Love

Wow! My, does time really fly!

Yesterday, my hubby and I made a decade of being married! Crazy! It's been a roller coaster great times and really sucky times.  But we got through them together. When I am at my lows, he lifts me up, when he is at his lows, I lift him up.

My wish and my dream is that everyone has the chance to have this kind of anniversary. Whether you're gay or straight, black or white, any other deemed "unconventional marriage", I wish this for you, the chance to be so blissfully happy with someone!

So, to all you lovers out there, keep going strong!  Keep working at it.  To those doing the solo act, stay strong, don't compromise yourself because you want someone in your life.  It might take a little bit longer, but you'll find the right one that will love everything about you...including your flaws.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve my best." - Marilyn Monroe

All my love,

Jessie

Out of My Mind

Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while again. We've had a whirlwind the last few weeks!

My hubby's grandma that I care for broke her arm and it has caused hallucinations and she keeps trying to remove her cast. I am currently sitting with her in the hospital. They have found a small amount of bleeding on the brain, a UTI and that's she's had several mini strokes. She is refusing to eat any hospital food and they are wanting to put her on hospice because if it. We brought in outside food...lo and behold she's eating it! I don't blame her one bit for not eating hospital food.

Yesterday, we laid to rest hubby's other grandma. It's a a beautiful service, but a first for me in the way that I didn't cry. But how do you mourn over someone that didn't treat you well and couldn't stand the stress of little kids? So, basically we only saw her on holidays for a brief hour or two.  She was a very talented musician and always remembered my birthday...so, I guess she liked me in some level.

We had to take a trip to San Francisco for a geneticist appointment. They're 99.9% sure hubby has this rare genetic chromosonal mutation and they think our little girl might too as she is showing signs of it. They did blood work on hubby, we'll know for sure in "4-6 weeks". And then if he has it, we get little one tested too. If she does have it, there won't, thankfully, be much in a change of her life, we just need to be extremely proactive about checking her thyroid, stomach and breats. She would have a high risk of thyroid and breast cancer along with intestinal polyps.

On top of it, I had what is called Lupron shot to help me fight off my endometriosis. Basically, it throws me into temporary menopause. Which means hot flashes and mood swings.  The hotflashes are under control, thank goodness...but these mood swings are something else. Things that would normally bug me or irritate me are making me extremely angry. I go from zero to bitch in two milliseconds.  My hubby and son were getting the brunt of it all...so, I finally went to the doctor and they put me on a small dose of happy pills. They haven't full kicked in, but I'm not getting angry like I was. I feel more like myself.

So, this is me slowly losing my mind. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

<3

Jessie

Happy 4th of July!

Hello all!

Hoping this find you all well today in celebration of our nation's birth.

There is much cause for celebration because of the ruling of the supreme court, giving gays the right to marry.

But also, remember, we are still fighting for freedoms still today. If we are not careful, not vigilant, we can very quickly lose our freedoms.

Independence is a constant battle.  Keep fighting, if not for you,  than for our children!

<3

Jessie

Bi and Gay Musicians Part 2

Alrighty, since my first Bi and Gay Musicians post is by far the most popular on my blog, I went through my iPod and computer more thourghly, as I have over 3,000 songs in there and about 5,000 on my computer.

This list is not all inclusive, there are many more, these are more artists that are on my iPod! I found this list at Topgaysongs.com which is a fabulous website in general and gave a few good giggles!

Adele-I was surprised by this one, i thought she was straight and she just recently had a little boy. While she has a great voice, people are just playing her too much...so, I do have Rolling On the Deep, but I don't have that on my most played list.

David Bowie-from Labyrinth to "Rebel, Rebel" I just love him! "Golden Years" is my favorite song! He is married to a woman, but they have both admitted to being Bi.

Tracy Chapman-"Revolution", "Fast Car" and "Give Me One Reason To Stay Here" are on heavy rotation.

Vanessa Carlton-I'm a HUGE Joni Mitchell fan, not so much Vanessa, but when I heard her singing "Big Yellow Taxi" with Counting Crows,  I had to get it!

Elton John-brilliant man! If I need to say anything about him, get out of your closet a bit more! Lol. "Candele in The Wind", "Benny and the Jets", "Rocket Man" and "Tiny Dancer" are all on rotation!

Lady Gaga-yes, I have a few Lady Gaga songs...and "Born This Way" is my favorite, my mom even likes this song! If you've seen any of her videos, you won't be surprised that she is bi.

Sophie B. Hawkins- more of a one hit wonder...but I have "As I Lay Me Down to Sleep" love it!

Joan Jett-who is surprised by this?! I sure am not! My friend and I love her, one day she ran into her in a tiny Nevada city called Wendover (Utah-Nevada border.) Sent me a picture with Joan Jett with the caption "Ran into Joan Jett! She totally tried to hit on me!" Lol! And I must say, I do a good version of "I Hate Myself for Loving You." That I did with a former band I was in!

Janis Joplin- this one surprised me. All of her songs indicate a man...but, it was the 60's and being gay was still pretty taboo.  Bobby Magee and Piece of My Heart are my favs!

Mika-Never was surprised by this. I have his first album, love it...he tries so hard to be Freddie Mercury...even has lyrics that say "I tried to look like Grace Kelly,  but all of her looks are too sad. So I tried a little Freddie. I've gone identity mad." And another song called "Big Girl, You are Beautiful" (which I love) reminds me of "Fat Botton Girls".

Sinéad O'Connor-"Nothing Compares To You" one hit wonder turned activist.

Dusty Springfield-makes you think a little bit different in "Son of a Preacher Man" lol. Sadly, she died in 1999 from breast cancer.

Tila Tequila-I have one song of hers from the "Across The Universe" soundtrack where she sings the Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". Where she plays a lesbian trying to figure out who she is and trying to come out and she does in the film during the song "Dear Prudence". I guess she also had a MTV reality show about her falling in love...eh.

Do you have any of these guys on your playlist? Let's hear it!

<3
Jessie

It's A Beautiful Day In The Cold Cruel World

I can't find the song or the lyrics ANYWHERE! Gah!

Well, it's by The Warren Brothers...a country band out of the 90's...they had a couple big hits.

This song always got to me.

"While somebody's hurting, somebody's laughing, somebody's living and somebody's dying."

So true today.

I picked up my brother from the airport who had to fly in to see some people about a kidney transplant...he was told within the next 3 months! YAY!  Happy, happy!

While spending time with him, I get a text from my dear friend a few hours away saying her mother-in-law is clinging to life and to please pray she'll go quickly. They are keeping her comfy and that's it...she has maybe a day.  She has dementia among other problems.

So, while we're having a good time, receiving EXCELLENT news, somebody is losing someone important.

We had to deal with a great loss two years ago almost to the day. Myself and two other friends were preggers and all due near each other. We don't live close...one is back east, the other is about 4 hours away. One was due in June, with a boy, the other woman and I were having September babies, both girls!  We were all excited, texting each other our joys and our pains, our cravings and our weird dreams.  It was truly beautiful.

I got a call at 6 a.m. from a friend that lives close to the 4 hour away friend...the baby was still breached, and his shoulders got stuck.  She was having a home birth and they lived about 45 minutes from the hospital.  He didn't make it.  I remember sobbing, big and round while my husband cradled me. When I composed myself, I called my friend back east and we talked and cried together.  We both felt guilty that here we sit, happy and baby kicking, and she had lost her little love.

Our little girls were born happy and healthy despite mine having a few days in the NICU which scared me near death.

So, as I sit tonight pondering life and death...the world moves on, it doesn't stop...somebody's living and somebody's dying.

<3

Jessie

Oklahoma

To anyone out there in Oklahoma reading this, my thoughts and prayers our with you.

My sister lives in a neighboring city (a tornado touched down Sunday near her! Scary).

Thank goodness, they are safe!!  However, there are many who aren't.  As of right now, about 23 members have lost their homes and many more have lost loved ones, pets, homes...

In my city, I'm collecting clothing and blankets to send to my sister who will be hosting a few families who have lost almost everything.  I encourage you to do what you can to give too.  If you can, please do so.  It's in these horrible disasters when we see the truth of humanity spark to life again.

I love to see our people, the LDS, the Mormons...whatever you call us...when things go wrong, we go strong.

<3

Jessie

Beaches

So, today, here's a bit more about me.

This last week I've heard Mama Ocean calling.  Urging me to come home.

I grew up about 45 minutes outside of Oakland/San Francisco.  I am a die hard Oakland A's fan.  I was in the 1989 earthquake that ravenged the area. I still hyperventilate when I go over the bay bridge...watching those cars, people falling into the ocean below, the cars sandwiched between decks really stays with a 9 year old.  Every summer we'd drive up to Bodega Bay a few times. It's a lovely place and yes, that is where Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" was filmed.  My grandparents took my mom and her siblings, she took us, and now, I take mine.  It's a beautiful tradition that I try hard to keep alive.

Another place that has become a new favorite is Sebastopol. I have some dear friends that live there and whenever I come, we try to go to Screamin' Mimi's...the BEST ice cream I have EVER had!

Though I don't live too close now, I still have family and lots of friends in the area. So I try to visit when I can...especially when I get the beckoning from Mama Ocean.

On my Facebook page, I mentioned that I am in desperate need to go.  My friend near Bodega said "get in your car and drive!" I thought,  why not?! So, I called her and we made plans to spend the night and go!  I'm so excited!

The ocean to me means so much.  It is my place of solace, of healing, of joy and respect. I have always had a stonger spiritual connection when in nature, and well, the ocean is the biggest conductor outside the temple for me.

I'm thrilled to recharge my batteries, enjoy sun and surf and be close to my Heavenly Father and my kids.

What are your plans for Memorial Day? Where is the best spot for you outside the temple/church where you feel close to those in Heaven?

Much love,

Jessie

Nudity: Tasteful Beauty or Disgusting Porn?

I've always appreciated the nude form.  I love looking at oil paintings and sculptures depicting beautiful women with nothing on, sitting near a tub or on a bed.  I've never thought it to be "inappropriate" or "pornographic".  Even males, Michelangelo's David is one of the most famous sculptors around.  Yet, you hear people whisper there should be a fig leaf attached to his penis.

While, I do think some nudity is tasteless, it's not to the degree people would think.

I'm a musician and LOVE musicals.  I'm also a huge Beatles fan.  So, needless to say when the movie "Across The Universe" came out, I was super excited to see it!  I absolutely LOVED it!  It took a very intimate look at the youth in the 60's and 70's.  There was one scene where the leading female's breast are exposed while sleeping and the leading man sitting nearby was painting and glanced over to see her gently sleeping.  He goes on to sing the song "Something".  To me, it was just amazing and beautiful.  Have you ever had a lover look at your naked form and there is nothing but amazement, love, rapture in their eyes?  That's what that scene did for me.

Then, the week following it coming out, I heard people tearing it down for that moment of, what I thought was a pure, beautiful expression of love.  They said it wasn't needed, it was shameful, it was downright horrific.

It sadden me.

Yes, in the LDS faith, we are taught to cover ourselves, to be modest.  Indeed I am.  I wear my garments day and night, the exceptions are when I'm cycling or wet (swimming to showering.).  But, I think sometimes it is taken too far.  Being modest doesn't meaning closing the door completely on sensuality or sexuality, it just means we need to understand and respect it.

God made these bodies...complete with the parts that people find "gross and embarrassing".  But the thing is, it isn't.  It is beautiful, raw, amazing.  I believe it is a very profound and wonderful connection between you and your spouse.  Not something to be ashamed of!

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging you to go out and have sex by any means.  Just to have a better, healthier understanding.

Don't think it's wrong or shameful.  We think God is beautiful, we think his creations are beautiful.  We are his creations too, therefor we are beautiful.  Remember that, respect it, live it.

You.Are.Beautiful.

<3

Jessie

Weirdos

I get this often, "You're so weird." or "That's not really normal."  To them, I always say, "Define normal."

Normal is defined as "Something that is usual."  So, it is a relative term, no? I would say so.  What's normal to us, is completely weird to someone across the globe.

So, to all my weirdos, all my freaks, all my loves. Be proud of who you are. I wouldn't want it any other way.

<3

Jessie

A Homeless Man, A Transgender and Strawberries

How, you ask, do all of these fit in the same sentence?  Well, I'll tell you.  Cycling.

Like I've mentioned before, I'm trying to get back into marathon shape.  I'm slowly working up more and more.  I live in a valley outside the city, but if I go anywhere nearby, it's very very hilly.  I'm not ready to hit the big hills yet, so I went in the city to a beautiful river trail.  It's a very slow, gradual incline, so it's very nice for starting back out again.  I can go 1o-15 miles without a big problem.

It is a two lane biking/running only trail and in some spots can be a bit remote.  Anytime I pass someone going the opposite way, I always smile and nod (it's hard to wave.)

There is one area of the river that is frequented by homeless people.  As a general safety rule, I try not to stop in that area unless there are many people around (and I ALWAYS tell someone where I'm at, where my trip started and an approx time I should be back.)

But this time, I was coming down a hill and saw two obviously homeless men sitting at a little gazebo right along the side of the river.  I smiled and nodded.  I saw a him and thought he said something, but wasn't sure.  I felt I should turn around.  I did.  As I approached them, I asked if he was "flagging me down."

He said, "No beautiful!  I saw your lovely face grinning at me and was just saying hi." He grinned again and lifted up his hand.  That's when I noticed it.  This breaded, grinning, dreadlock, winter hat wearing man, only had a thumb on either hand.  He had palms, but they stopped at the knuckles.  He was one of the happiest misfits I've ever seen.  I looked at the man sitting next to him and noticed something else.  While he did have a 5 o'clock shadow, he had shoulder length hair, wearing a "blossom" hat (Blossom Hat), and a loosely tied off skirt over some leggings. She was adorable...she too was a misfit, and a very shy one at that.  They introduced themselves as Dave and Viv.

I started to stretch while we chatted and then offered some extra granola bars in my backpack.  They gave each other a look of excitement and said, "are you sure?!" I looked at them and said, "While I've never been where you are now, I've been close.  I may not have much, but I'm always willing to share."

He handed Viv a bar and then unwrapped his with much more ease than I thought able.  We sat and talked for a few minutes.  Viv sat quietly and watched while Dave and I conversed.  He was a disable vet down on his luck. We talked about the Bible, and that there might still be hope for humanity. He told me I was beautiful and may God bless me for stopping and showing kindness to them.  I told them, I needed to keep going, but, if I had time, I'll swing back by.

I kept going for about two more miles. I stopped, took a mini break, still thinking about those two lovely people.  I remembered I had some fresh strawberries in my pack too.  I ate just a few, and headed back to the gazebo.

They were still there when I stopped again.  Dave grinned and said, "Well hello again, beautiful!"  I pulled out the strawberries and said, "I have way too many here, please, help me eat them." they were even more excited this time...but they still asked me if I was sure.

Viv even joined in the conversation this time. She asked me what my sign was.  I forgot what else she had asked, I was just happy she joined in!

We kept talking.  Viv was from Orange County, but wouldn't say much more. Dave was from Michigan, third generation military man.  He said how much he missed his mama.  She died July 7th, 3 years ago.  He said how much he misses his family.  I asked if she was his only family.  Dave said no, but since his mom died, "Everything and everyone changed.  They got distant." he did say it was just as much his doing as his family.  He mentioned his desire to travel to where they live now (about two hours from where we were) to make amends and see everyone.

I hated to leave right then, but I had to pick up my son from school and had to book it to my car.  That's when I stood up, looked at both Dave and Viv and said, "We are all children of God."

Dave said, "Yes girl, we are."

I stood up, embraced him and kissed him on his cheek, "That makes you my brother." I reached over to Viv and embraced her, "And you my sister." They both smiled and had tears in their eyes.  Dave said, "Beautiful, you have made my day." and Viv nodded in agreement.  We said our goodbyes and I headed onward.

I haven't seen Viv again, but I did see Dave once more, and gave him an apple.  We chatted for a few minutes while he wolfed it down, as he was on his way to the library.

Before you judge someone by their clothes, their skin, their cleanliness...please stop and think of how they got there. Yes, sometimes it's drugs, but sometimes it's way more complicated.

Be nice to the homeless, they have very interesting lives and will help you out if you need it too.

<3

Jessie

LGBT Missionaries

Tonight's post is a link to an amazing talk writen by a dear friend; nay my brother from another mother; Mitch Mayne.

For those who haven't heard of him, Mitch is the first openly gay Mormon to hold a calling.  He has influenced many people and have sometimes saved them from themselves...me included.

He has been a big key in helping me see the love and accept this part of me while maintaining my testimony of the gospel.  He and Nadia were also my main cheerleaders to start this blog!   I'm hoping to one day find the time to do a Q&A with him, but our schedules are so conflicting! Lol

He hit the nail on the head with this one! LGBT Missionaries.  Please read the article and then finish My post!

It is our job to be missionaries as the underdogs... it is up to us to make these changes.

One reader told me that "change begins in the pews." Meaning, if we're not there every Sunday, it won't change.

So, despite the ignorance that sometimes spews from those over the pulpit, raising their hand in Sunday School or Relief Society, go, show up. Be strong.  By just being there, you will eventually drum up the courage to speak out.  It probably won't be to say "I'm gay and what you're saying is very hurtful." I'm not even there yet!

But it could be something little, then a little more...and soon, most everyone, will understand what someone like us is feeling (they still might not agree, but hey, it's a start!)

Line upon line, precept upon precept,  here a little there a little.

Love you with all my heart!

<3

Jessie