LGBT Missionaries

Tonight's post is a link to an amazing talk writen by a dear friend; nay my brother from another mother; Mitch Mayne.

For those who haven't heard of him, Mitch is the first openly gay Mormon to hold a calling.  He has influenced many people and have sometimes saved them from themselves...me included.

He has been a big key in helping me see the love and accept this part of me while maintaining my testimony of the gospel.  He and Nadia were also my main cheerleaders to start this blog!   I'm hoping to one day find the time to do a Q&A with him, but our schedules are so conflicting! Lol

He hit the nail on the head with this one! LGBT Missionaries.  Please read the article and then finish My post!

It is our job to be missionaries as the underdogs... it is up to us to make these changes.

One reader told me that "change begins in the pews." Meaning, if we're not there every Sunday, it won't change.

So, despite the ignorance that sometimes spews from those over the pulpit, raising their hand in Sunday School or Relief Society, go, show up. Be strong.  By just being there, you will eventually drum up the courage to speak out.  It probably won't be to say "I'm gay and what you're saying is very hurtful." I'm not even there yet!

But it could be something little, then a little more...and soon, most everyone, will understand what someone like us is feeling (they still might not agree, but hey, it's a start!)

Line upon line, precept upon precept,  here a little there a little.

Love you with all my heart!

<3

Jessie

Familiar Taste Of Poison

Hello again!

After my last post, I still was very conflicted.  I was angry, scared, and agitated; not my favorite combination. I once again turned to music, shocking, I know. When I am this upset, I usually listen to heavier stuff (I'm more of a light to moderate rock chick). So, I turned on Halestorm, a great newer group that I love.  They have some powerful as well as dirty lyrics.  They are not for kids!  I have always LOVED this song, is very haunting, and the video is just cool...and you can see why I have a crush on the lead singer!  But after my friend soberly professing her love for me, this song took on a whole new meaning.  Enjoy, please read the lyrics at least!

Drink the wine, my darling, you said

Take your time, consume all of it

But the roses were only to drain my inspiration

The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and...

[CHORUS:]

I breathe you in again just to feel you

Underneath my skin, holding on to

The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I tell myself that you're no good for me

I wish you well, but desire never leaves

I could fight this til the end

But maybe I don't want to win

[CHORUS]

I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober

I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes

And I won't wake up, no not this time.

[CHORUS]

A familiar taste of poison

This song, basically meant for me that "Yeah, this could be really great with what you're promising.  But, with having to hurt many I love to do this, it would start and I think end in a toxic relationship.  It's poisonous...I don't need it, but I want it.

I lamented to a friend (We'll say Nadia) about the "Desire never leaves".  I asked if she thought it would ever go away, to which she replied no, she didn't think so.

I was talking to another dear friend of mine about this new part of my soul that was hurting while I was exploring.  This is what she told me: To be immuned to a poison, you have to ingest a daily serving in small bits. In Egypt, a King knew he was going to be poisoned with arsenic, so every day he at appleseeds. Trippy, huh?

I had to agree, it was a beautiful analogy.  It was enlightening to say the least.  I shared this to Nadia and she said something just as profound and beautiful: Oh mama, that's rough. What a horribly appropriate analogy! Very true, keep it in perspective. What you have now is amazing, it's just what you really want in addition that makes it so tempting. The longing may not be as deep as it feels in the moment?  I totally get you. Not wanting to hurt other people, especially your favorite people, is the main reason we keep on the way we do, right?

What amazing friends I have!  Saying such soothing balm for my soul.  I hope this can be a balm for you too.  Heal the ragged soul within you.

And please, if you aren't as lucky as I, if you don't have this support system, e-mail me.  I'm always here, right here to talk and listen.  I am (as well as all these readers) are your support group.  We love you, we are here for you during the rough seas.

<3, with all my heart,

Jessie

An Unexpected Call of Longing

About a month ago, a reader asked me to go more indepth with my struggles.  So, here we go, this one will be very deep and very personal.  I am opening my soul and showing you the scars.

In my blog post Q&A #2, I mentioned about an old co-worker that had said she loved me...and not like a sister.  We were really good friends. We competed for commissions at work, we laughed and joked, and stepped in to defuse a rough situation with an irate person.  I had a knowledge that if she didn't respect me, or I didn't have such a solid marriage; things, WOULD have happened.

Well, five years ago, she up and married an Army man and moved away.  I remember, feeling sad that one of my buddies was gone.  But, I also remember feeling so grateful that she did move away, that my temptation was removed.

Only recently did I finally tell her something she knew all along...that I was bi too.  She laughed and said, "I KNEW it!  Oh, babe, I wished I'd have been there to help you through it!" I laughed too, grateful for another  supporter in my corner.

We see each other on facebook (fb), we text and very rarely call.  Well, last week I was asking her (via fb) if she had heard of the band Halestorm.  I'm a HUGE fan.  It doesn't help that I also have a HUGE crush on the lead singer! lol.  She mentioned she's never heard of them, I told her when I got the chance, I'd send some video links. Tonight, I saw that she was online and missing everyone here, in her hometown.  We started chatting and I remembered to send her over the links I promised.  I started to do that.

I do need to pause and say something important regarding this incident. In the past, she has been drunk while telling she loved me...tonight, she was stone cold sober.

Then my phone rang.  It was her.  We talked and caught up, had a great time.  Then she turned to the more personal subject...us...even though there never really was an "us".  She told me she loved me, and that she always has.  That she would get so excited seeing me come through the door at work, or she'd be mad if I called in.  I had a very real, very deep visceral reaction.  I hadn't felt that in a long time...it took me a minute realize what just happened.

Longing.  I haven't had anyone other than my husband profess those words to me and make me feel this way.  It wasn't, by far to the magnitude that I've felt with my husband (something he still makes me feel).  But it was there, it was real, it was a re-opened scar.  I must admit, it scared me a bit.
I'm having a big what if moment right now.  What if I was the one she ran away with, not him...what would my life had been like?  Would we be happy?  Would we have kids? Would we last?

I sit here tonight pondering those questions.  I'm giving them more thought tonight than I normally do.  This woman was the closest thing to a girlfriend without doing more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  Hell, I even wrote a song/poem about it. And, from the sounds of it, there will probably be another one coming up soon.

She did mention she was hoping to come visit her folks soon.  I am filled with mixed emotions on this.  I would LOVE to see her, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see her.

So, this was a very raw, very emotion-driven post tonight.  It has been a bit of a relief in itself to write this...getting this off my chest.  I hope, that bearing this deep part of me, you find what you're looking for.

<3

Jessie