It's All Greek! A Q&A In Reverse!!

Hello all!  I've been sitting on this for months, I'm sorry it wasn't sooner!  Greek contacted me a while ago.  She is was raise Greek Orthodox. So, I thought, for something different, since most who contact me are LDS, I wanted to share that these struggles happen over MANY religions that we might not even think about!!  So, here it is!  Enjoy!!!  I LOVE her advice at the end!  It's wonderful!!!

Hi!  For the purpose of this online interview, you've asked to go by Greek. Hello. Correct

Studly, just for clarification for the readers, are you a lesbian or bisexual? I have had many lifetimes. In this lifetime, I am a Lesbian. Oddly enough, in the past four lives I was a man. lol

When did you first realize you were gay? 19 years old

What were your struggles growing up knowing this about yourself but no one else knowing?  I grew up in a very strict traditional Greek Orthodox religious household and there was no one in my home or community that I felt I could confide in and ask for guidance or assistance. Not to mention living a double life!

How long have you been "out of the closet" and do most of your family know?  I have been out since I was 24 when my mother's friend ousted me to my mother. Hellooo odd situation!

For the family that does know, what was their reaction to it all?  Do they still feel that way?  Most are ok with it. Initially my mother had a very hard time with it. She is much more accepting now. My father doesn't know but we do not speak so I do not know if he ever found out?  Time tends to make things easier. My brother and I always were close and so it worked itself out in his mind...

You said before in a previous conversation that you were an Orthodox Greek (GO), are you still part of that religion or believe in most parts of the religion still? I am no longer a religious believer or a part of any one certain thing/type of religion.  I have my spirituality from various organized religions (To include GO, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Paganism, Orthodoxy, Christianity, Native American Traditions, Ancient Egyptian Religion and a few others) ways and even GO has its high points and will always be part of my life as I was raised in it and have literally been moved and met and smelled Saints and Archangels.  Is there just one God? To me, no there isn’t. Was there a Jesus? Absolutely, but he isn’t the end all catch all. There was also an Isis and Zeus, etc. We all could learn from the various Pantheons!

What is the Greek Orthodox standpoint on homosexual relationships? They believe it is a sin. Hooray I am a sinner, like the rest of the world! Here it is as described through the Wikipedia website.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Orthodox_view_of_sin

Homosexuality

The Orthodox Church has been consistent in condemning acts of homosexuality (but not homosexual persons), despite variations in the conditions for homosexual activity and responses from various Church leaders and the State. Continuing a worldview evident from the Old and New Testaments, the Church Fathers consistently condemned homosexual activity, as did the Byzantine state. Official statements by the Orthodox hierarchy continue to be consistent in terms of the traditional position that homosexual behaviour is sinful and thus damaging to the human person, and that homosexual temptation is a subject for ascetic struggle. While some Orthodox theologians and jurisdictions have championed the traditional view, they have also engaged in scientific conversation and in dialogue with the increasing number of societies that view homosexuality far differently than at the time of the Byzantine Empire.^[7][8] After affirming the import and meaning of the Scriptures that address homosexual activity, calling it sin, the Orthodox Church in America offered the following advice at its 10th All-American Council in 1992:

Men and women with homosexual feelings and emotions are to be treated with the understanding, acceptance, love, justice and mercy due to all human beings...Persons struggling with homosexuality who accept the Orthodox faith and strive to fulfill the Orthodox way of life may be communicants of the Church with everyone else who believes and struggles. Those instructed and counselled in Orthodox Christian doctrine and ascetical life who still want to justify their behavior may not participate in the Church’s sacramental mysteries, since to do so would not help, but harm them.

Assistance is to be given to those who deal with persons of homosexual orientation in order to help them with their thoughts, feelings and actions in regard to homosexuality. Such assistance is especially necessary for parents, relatives and friends of persons with homosexual tendencies and feelings. It is certainly necessary for pastors and church workers.^[9]

Within the Orthodox churches, there is a minority advocating a change in the view of homosexuality; one such group is Axios. However, the work of such groups and any blessings they confer are largely ignored by the Orthodox as a whole.

Does your faith, or did it have a huge impact on when and how you came out to people? I struggled telling people and coming out as I was internally conflicted due to my religious beliefs at that time. So, yes it did have an effect on me and how I did things. Now that I have been on the other side and have seen things, I know better.

If you're not GO anymore, do you have another religion, and if so what is it?  My current preferred way of spiritual enlightenment is through Paganism/Wicca and also through Reiki and the universal push pull method of acceptance and acknowledgment.

How has growing up GO and gay had a big impact on your life? How so?  I grew up GO but not Gay. I didn’t even realize I liked girls like “that” until I was 19. Growing up GO taught about my heritage and it’s customs which were imperative in me becoming the person I am today and my gifts that I share with people.

Is there a part of you that still wishes you were closeted? ABSOFUCKINLUTELY NOT!

Are you currently in a relationship with someone of the same sex? (I know, I know, but I want it to be clear to readers that don't know you! lol) :) Yes I am. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years. I call her my wife but the state I live in does not recognize it. We do, however, have a domestic partnership in the county we live in.

How long have you been in your current relationship? 6.5 years

What is your girlfriend's religious beliefs and how has that affected your life/relationship? (will change to wifey if you'd like me too!) ;-)  She is Pagan and practices Wicca.

Are you happy being an un closeted gay woman?  ABSOFUCKINLUTELY YES!!!

What is some advice you have to the readers of this blog that are currently closeted that you wished you knew before you came out? Hmmmm. My advice is this:

1.    Life is to short to be miserable so do not be miserable.

2.    Live your life for yourself and not anyone else. It’s your life! You can only live it once this time around.

3.    No matter what, if you any type of important to the person who is judging you, then they will stop judging you and just start accepting you.

4.    Anger, jealousy and regret are wasted emotions. They do not get you anywhere but upset.

5.    Do not live in the past and do not do anything you regret!

6.    Finally, if an opportunity presents itself, take it. That opportunity will never represent itself in the same manner.

What advice can you give to readers who also have these feelings and a conflict of faith? Faith is suppose to guide you, heal you, and help hold you up when you feel like drowning. If it isn’t doing this for you, but instead it’s ridiculing you, making you ashamed and making you feel like an outcast… Then find a new faith. 

There is nothing but love and acceptance for everyone once you pass over to the other side of the realm.  All of what worries you now is of no consequence there.

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

Repeat After Me

So, I have been e-mailing back and forth with "M" the last couple weeks.  She's been struggling (as we've seen in her previous Q&A's)

So, I sent her this and I think it works on so many levels with many religious people who are struggling right now.  Now, this is set up for M, but please insert you where you need to.

Repeat after me:

"I am a Daughter Of God who loves me and I love him.  He loves me for every flaw, regardless of whether issues with my sexuality are deemed a "flaw" or not...He still loves me and is SO proud of me!  By admitting this to myself, it does NOT change me, it does NOT make me different or "unclean".  I am STILL the SAME Daughter of God. This part of me is but a SMALL part of who I am.  Whomever thinks that I am NOT worthy of God's love, their love, or any love in my life obviously doesn't know me or know God...and they can go fuck* themselves."

*omit if needed. :-)

Charity is the pure love of Christ. If we are lost in the service of fellow man, helping them up when down instead of being the ones to knock them down, oh, how wonderful this world would be!!  When we love someone unconditionally despite race, religion, gender or orientation, we become closer to Christ. He would never shun someone who needed help. He would invite them in and love them.

Peace be unto you. I hope this helps you rise up and never be the same. Whether it's to help support you in your own life or show you that everyone needs love, whether you agree with their decisions in life. It is not your job to judge them, it is your job to LOVE them.

<3 you all so much!

Jessie

Q&A 7 "How Do You Keep From Feeling 'Dirty'?"

Okay guys, I've been holding this one in my hand for awhile. I haven't known what to say.  After this weekend's General Conference, I feel so much better about what I'm going to say.

So, this is the second part question from "M": How do you stop yourself from feeling "dirty" about yourself?

Well, it's a hard question, especially when you here who we think of as an Apostle of God standing proud and firm at the pulpit repeating the phrase "Marriage between a man and a woman only." or "These so-called 'same-sex' marriages are a sin."  I have to admit, I was on a spiritual high, and then hearing Dallin H. Oaks speak made me cringe and feel awful.

It's so hard, when we've grown up in the era of the Prophets saying, "Only to act on homosexuality is a sin." meaning that "it's okay to have these feelings, we just have to resist the urge."...however, it you are older than a teenager and grew up in the church, that was NOT what was preached over the pulpit...I remember as a youth, feeling horrible Sunday after Sunday when these feelings would hit and then I'd just feel horrible, like I was doing something wrong in my life.  But no, I was going to church, I was doing what I was supposed, I was following the commandments...and this is what I am left feeling?

So, I did what most of us did in the 90's, we took it and bottled it up. I went to an LDS college, I dated good, LDS men...I even dated one who struggled with bouts of homosexualty on his own.  We decided we were better being friends, and he was a best friend while up there. He opened up and said things to me that I know only a Bishop had heard.

Then, I came back home from college for a break, and the Elder I had dated in high school came home, we fell even further in love...we got engaged...I told him one night nervous and in a joking way that if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark ever asked me out, I would probably go...(you can bet my husband had a near heart attack when I mentioned I just bumped into Terri Clark at the hotel I worked at! A few years back! lol)

And everything was fine, I was fine, he was fine, we were very happy.  Then that e-mail that I cursed but now am thankful for came out...asking me to have an affair...it was so horrible, yet so tempting at the same time.  It brought it all back, and in full force.

Lots of talking with friends, husband and this blog has really helped.  It's very hard not to feel guilty about it all, and some days, it gets to me...but you know who that is?  That is just the opposition, making you think that you are not good enough how you are...that there is something wrong with you.  But that's just not the case.  When people say you're not born with it, I get so upset...I don't know why I am the way I am, but I know that when I have a sexual dream, it's usually a girl than a guy...last night even, I was engaged to a REALLY hot blonde chick (not usually my type! lol)...so I know that somewhere in my subconscious I do like girls too.

I guess for me, when it all broke loose, it came out with how much I love my husband and am willing to make our marriage and covenants we've made in the temple work.

You have to know that God loves you, he is always there for you...and yes, sometimes we will hear things that make us feel horrible, make us think we're not good enough...treat them like you would somebody hating on you're religion...let it roll off your back and laugh.

Will you maybe lose friends and family if this gets out. Yes, you can...and there are still some family members I am not out to because they wouldn't understand.  But, where you might lose a friend, you'll gain two more that were more loving and understanding than the former was...they will love you for who you are.

And that, my dear, is beautiful!

<3

Jessie

Q&A #6 How Did You Tell Your Husband?

Hello everyone!  After a few weeks of utter chaos (yet again, lol) I'm finally able to sit down, breathe and collect my thoughts. I am sorry that it does take me a while sometimes to answer.  But I like to have a quiet moment and I try and lead my thoughts and answers through the spirit.

This two part question comes from "M", I will answer her second question in another post:

"I do have a question about coming out to your husband, how did you do it and how did he take it?  I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half and I totally love him.  But I don't want to hide something so prominent about myself from him.  I don't know how to tell him, and I'm scared he'll leave.  I'm scared because I think we will get married and have a family. I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to hide myself from him."

M, this is a very hard question to answer. There is no perfect answer.  It depends on the man and how secure he is and how much he does love you.  I do have one question for you, and I think this would be a make or break deal for you.  Have you guys talked about homosexuality in the past?  What does he think about it?

If he is disgusted by it or thinks it's wrong, then you will have a hard road ahead.  Either having to end the relationship or hide it forever.  Neither is a good option, but I would say break it off instead of hiding yourself, because the longer you hide it, the more bottled up it gets.  Trust me, it will come out.  It might not be for decades, but it will come out.  And it's best that you do it on your terms instead of having a slip of the tongue one day.

If he is okay with homosexuality, then, there is hope for you guys!  I told my hubby (fiancee at the time), that I will love him forever and ever, but if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark asked me out, I would probably say yes.  He took it in good stride until a few years ago when everything that was bottled up came back to bite me pretty hard on the ass.  I got an e-mail from a "friend" asking me to have an affair with her.  I was crushed and heartbroken that someone would do that.  There was a closet way in the back of my soul where these demons just laid in wait for their moment to pounce.

And believe me, it sucked.  It sucked so hard.  I cried, hubby cried...I even ran away from home for the day.  My poor hubby, he thought for awhile that I was done, that I was leaving him for good.  It was a cold December day, I drove 4 hours away to one of my favorite spots in the world, mama ocean.  It was there that I sat in a cove sheltered by the cold rain and prayed and prayed and prayed.  I don't think I have ever prayed that long before.

But, with that praying and being so close to my Heavenly Father that day, I felt so much better about myself, and I knew that we'd all be okay.  I knew that we would have bumps along the way, but in the end we would be stronger for that.

That being said, it doesn't mean we don't have hard days about it and that he gets insecure that he's not "man enough" for me.  He does have days where the fear in the back of his mind gets to him.

In fact, just last week.  We were talking about the news about women in the church starting a movement to be ordained in the Priesthood.  He seemed very upset by my responses when we were talking.  My responses were such that I'm okay with women holding the Priesthood, women were ordained in the early church, we as women today are allowed to use the Priesthood when needed (i.e. if there is a sick/hurt person and no Priesthood holders to administer, we as women can.  I have in fact, I had to one time and I have seen it done before), but having that gift to hold the priesthood is not something I think I am ready for.  It is a very sacred, serious gift.  But I am very okay with women given the opportunity to do so.

He was visibly upset about the whole conversation.  Later on, I asked him why he was being "such an ass" about it, when I was just stating true facts.  He sheepishly replied, "If you hold the priesthood, what good am I to you?  Deep down inside, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm afraid you'd leave me for another woman."

I gave him a big hug and kiss and said, "Baby, it's been 10 years, if I was going to leave, I would have done so by now.  You are my best friend, my lover, my husband, and an amazing dad.  We're stuck with each other.  I'm not going anywhere."

So, like I said there is no perfect answer. It depends on his reactions. Don't hide it, be honest with him. If he can't accept this part of you, then he never was yours in the first place. It's better to have a broken heart now than ten years down the road when there are kids involded...because once that happens, things can get ugly fast.

I'm not going to lie, this will be a hard thing to do. Because once you say it out loud to someone you love, whether it be a friend, family or your boyfriend, it becomes real.  Be prepared to answer questions.  Be totally honest and open with him, that way he can never accuse you of ever lying to him about this. I would pray about it and let the spirit guide you.

Good luck dear, there are many here that read this that are in your corner! Just breathr and know you are greatly loved by many!

<3

Jessie

I'm Not Going ANYWHERE!!

Greetings all!  It's me, again!

This will be quick, as I'm nodding off!  I am currently in bed with a million thoughts on my brain!  The main focus this week is making sure everything is set up for my son's baptism on Saturday!  Oh my goodness, how time does really fly!!

Anyhoo, I received a few beautiful e-mails from "M". I've never received anything from her before, but I was very humbled by her message of struggle, anxiety, and acceptance within herself.  She has asked me a few important questions that I keep trying to get to, but life keeps getting in the way!

...you know life, the times where you can't seem to get a peaceful moment within the day to yourself unless you lock yourself in the bathroom JUST to get some peace and quiet for two minutes.  Why two minutes? Because that's about the time it takes for my two year old to bust down the barrier keeping her in the living room, have her and my 8 year old tag team me with questions about homework and dinner while little fingers wiggle under the door and I hear whispers of "Hi mama!" followed by knocking asking when I'm going to be done.

Well, one thing really struck me about M's e-mail. She asked me to not stop, because when she's having a really hard day, she comes and reads my blog because it helps her through bad days.

Well M, I'm here to tell you girl, I am NOT going anywhere!  Things might be a little chaotic right now and I'm not getting the blogging done I would like.

But PLEASE know, that my e-mail account is linked to my phone.  I get all you e-mails rather quickly!

I am always here, Biandlds@gmail.com!  If you're having a really bad day and just need to talk but can't wait for my next blog, shoot me an e-mail!

One big thing I want to say in closing is this, I know that sometimes we all feel alone. Especial when people deem our feelings as "wrong" or "sinful". Please, PLEASE remember you are not alone in ANY of this dear M! (this includes the rest of you too!)

That is why I started this blog.  It's hard to be so open and raw here on the internet...but, the more e-mails I get, the stronger this blog becomes. It is not just my thoughts out there swirling around the internet anymore.  This is becoming a support group where someone who might not understand what's exactly going on inside them, their feelings, etc.

This blog is becoming bigger and it's because all of you!  I just LOVE IT!!!

If you could only see all the emails I get!  We are a big support group, we all love and look out for each other, because we know what it's like to be on the outside looking in.

But you know what's cool?  Soon, there will be more people outside than in, and they will be wanting to join US because we have better food for the soul!

So, I'm not going anywhere, and neither all the readers.  We are here to stay!

We "freaks" have to stick together!!

All my love!

Jessie <3

Shame On Me? Shame On You!

Well, we're back into the swing of school and we've had SO much smoke from nearby fires that we've been cooped up in the house for three weeks. It's been awful!  And because EVERYONE in town is too and school started, we all have a hideous cold.

But enough about that.  That's not why I'm posting today.

So, as you guy have noticed I swear, not all the time, not often, but I do, and never in front of the kids... I think the worst thing I've said in front of my kids is "damn it!"

About a week or so ago, I posted a funny e-card on my wall and said, "yes, there are a few people I'd like to bitch slap now and again." or something to that point.

Well, a woman in the ward who I've known for years but aren't really friends (She's the sister-in-law of a dear friend of mine.) posted the word 'Language!!!!' yes, with 4 exclamation points.  Well, I started to get VERY defensive and wrote pretty much a nice "Fuck You!" to her...but before I hit send, I thought I'd better call my friend, who is also in the ward and MUCH more level headed than I. So, I did and we talked about it.  She advised me not to do anything, to ignore it, because it will start a big stink that I don't need...and then I remembered...her sister-in-law is our Relief Society Pres in our ward.  Yeah, I don't need that!

So, instead I chose a slightly "childish route" as my hubby said, and peppered my fb page with a bunch of swearing...mostly it was "hell's" and "damns" but there were some "bitches" and "shits" in there too.

But I wanted to so badly say "Shame on me?! Shame on YOU!"  EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE sins, makes bad choices.  Some, like mine are easier to see.  I have a tattoo, I have more than one hole in each ear (5 total).  My mom told me once she said to a friend about people judging her because she smoked but still attended church.  She said, "If everyone's sins stunk, no one would be able to sit through church." and that the same with me...just because you can see some what you think are "bad choices" on my part doesn't give YOU the right to be all high and mighty and judge me for it.

I go to church every Sunday, I even went to the temple last night and it was beautiful! And guess what?! They saw my piercings and still hugged me and treated me like a sister.  There was a man in there with a navy tattoo (can't see mine easily), and they treated him no different.

I've had people tell me MANY times before that they've always hated how Mormon's treated them and were reluctant to be my friend but then they found out who I was and said, "You're the coolest Mormon I know.  You treat everyone the same no matter what.  You love them and respect them, no matter what they've done or do." They've even at times have asked me questions, something they never thought was approachable before.  And I've always had an answer, thanks to the Spirit.

Jesus said love everyone and do not judge.  So, I try hard to follow that.  Even if it means breaking "the appearance" of being Mormon.  When I've talked to people that were so against the church before, I've always been excited, and I feel the spirit deep within me helping say the words that will fill their needs and answers.

Have any of them joined the church? No, not yet, but they part ways with me having a better respect for the Mormon Faith, that even a misfit like me can find joy and happiness in an often described "confining religion".

Christ was a misfit too, all the "cool" people wanted him dead, only the lepers, the prostitutes, the sick and poor...the misfits accepted him.  So why, of why would you tear somebody down for how she speaks?  I am honest, and if honest means a bit of swearing, so be it.  I'll continue doing what I'm doing and following in the footsteps of the ultimate misfit and love EVERYONE.

This song is called "Shame On You" by the Indigo Girls, my favorite line is "My friend Tanner, she says 'You know me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fucking up'."

Enjoy! And just be yourself!!  It sucks to try to impersonate!

<3 Always,

 Jessie

4 Years

Today, I was actually e-mailing back and forth with a reader and we were chatting about music...as you know I have a huge love of music.

Well, a few moments after I sent the last e-mail, I realized something, today my dad's been gone 4 years.  He could be a real dork sometimes, but I know he loved me very much.  He always loved to take me fishing, that some of the first memories I have of him, sitting on a boat on a lake in Texas when I was 4 and caught my first fish.

So after a lot of tears, and am smiling and still crying, but I want to share the perfect song that came after my dad passed...it's the perfect song for me and him.  Trace Adkins' "Just Fishing"

If you've lost your daddy, I hope you still hold him dear and think of him often.

<3

Jessie

Sorry It's Been So Long

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long.

We've been hit with so much medical going on that I feel like I can't see straight.

Some has to do with me, I had a minor routine surgical procedure (about every six months) and something happened that never happened before, the knicked a nerve that goes to my right leg with numbing stuff. When the procedure was done, my left side of my right leg was completely numb. My kids would laugh when my leg would spontaneously give way and I'd spaz comically trying to keep from falling. Then the numbness slowly wore off into excruciating pain. They told me it would take upto two month for the pain to subside. Oh joy. Thankfully they gave me a nerve med that does help but it still hurts.

And now I'm sick. Oh what fun.

This Thursday, we have to leave again for San Francisco for another UCSF appointment. My hubby was officially diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder and so we're going to take the kids and get them tested too as there are some high risks for cancers and other problems (like what my husband has). This disorder is so rare there are only a few dozen reported cases within the U.S.
So there isn't much info that is out there to help us cope with this.

I will not be currently disclosing the actual disease because it is so rare that it would give away my identity to some friends and family and I'm currently not ready to do so.  I might start another blog or something chronicling our issues to help other deal with this. Because the more we know, the more we can figure this out.

My son started school already! Big ol' 3rd grader! Crazy how time flies!

And in about a week my mom is arriving for the big September celebration of both my kid's birthdays (they are 5 years and 364 days apart...we didn't plan that! Lol) and for my son's baptism. He'll be 8 and being we are LDS, kids get baptized at 8 years old or beyond...whenever they choose to.

With my mom coming (and I do love it when she comes) she highly allergic to dogs, which we have two that live in and out of the house...but not in the bedrooms or on the furniture (although they do try!) Which means I have to seriously de-dog the house...and she's allergic to garlic...which is in EVERY dinner meal...it is a staple in the house. *le sigh*.

We are also on pins and needles as we're waiting for my brother to get his kidney transplant. After ten years he's finally at the top again. So, when he gets the call, we have about 8 hours to get him from Vegas to San Francisco.

So if you don't hear from me for a bit, sorry, I'm trying to keep it all together right now and trying to be there for my family.

I do have a great Q&A coming with a reader that grew up Greek Orthodox and is gay. It's a very wonderful story. Juat needa to be touched up...but haven't had the time!

Take care! Love you all!

Jessie

A Decade of Love

Wow! My, does time really fly!

Yesterday, my hubby and I made a decade of being married! Crazy! It's been a roller coaster great times and really sucky times.  But we got through them together. When I am at my lows, he lifts me up, when he is at his lows, I lift him up.

My wish and my dream is that everyone has the chance to have this kind of anniversary. Whether you're gay or straight, black or white, any other deemed "unconventional marriage", I wish this for you, the chance to be so blissfully happy with someone!

So, to all you lovers out there, keep going strong!  Keep working at it.  To those doing the solo act, stay strong, don't compromise yourself because you want someone in your life.  It might take a little bit longer, but you'll find the right one that will love everything about you...including your flaws.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve my best." - Marilyn Monroe

All my love,

Jessie

Out of My Mind

Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while again. We've had a whirlwind the last few weeks!

My hubby's grandma that I care for broke her arm and it has caused hallucinations and she keeps trying to remove her cast. I am currently sitting with her in the hospital. They have found a small amount of bleeding on the brain, a UTI and that's she's had several mini strokes. She is refusing to eat any hospital food and they are wanting to put her on hospice because if it. We brought in outside food...lo and behold she's eating it! I don't blame her one bit for not eating hospital food.

Yesterday, we laid to rest hubby's other grandma. It's a a beautiful service, but a first for me in the way that I didn't cry. But how do you mourn over someone that didn't treat you well and couldn't stand the stress of little kids? So, basically we only saw her on holidays for a brief hour or two.  She was a very talented musician and always remembered my birthday...so, I guess she liked me in some level.

We had to take a trip to San Francisco for a geneticist appointment. They're 99.9% sure hubby has this rare genetic chromosonal mutation and they think our little girl might too as she is showing signs of it. They did blood work on hubby, we'll know for sure in "4-6 weeks". And then if he has it, we get little one tested too. If she does have it, there won't, thankfully, be much in a change of her life, we just need to be extremely proactive about checking her thyroid, stomach and breats. She would have a high risk of thyroid and breast cancer along with intestinal polyps.

On top of it, I had what is called Lupron shot to help me fight off my endometriosis. Basically, it throws me into temporary menopause. Which means hot flashes and mood swings.  The hotflashes are under control, thank goodness...but these mood swings are something else. Things that would normally bug me or irritate me are making me extremely angry. I go from zero to bitch in two milliseconds.  My hubby and son were getting the brunt of it all...so, I finally went to the doctor and they put me on a small dose of happy pills. They haven't full kicked in, but I'm not getting angry like I was. I feel more like myself.

So, this is me slowly losing my mind. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

<3

Jessie

Happy 4th of July!

Hello all!

Hoping this find you all well today in celebration of our nation's birth.

There is much cause for celebration because of the ruling of the supreme court, giving gays the right to marry.

But also, remember, we are still fighting for freedoms still today. If we are not careful, not vigilant, we can very quickly lose our freedoms.

Independence is a constant battle.  Keep fighting, if not for you,  than for our children!

<3

Jessie

A Great Loss

Ok, so I think overall, this is a good thing...but I'll explain in a minute why I said it was a "great loss".

Today, Angelina Jolie announced that she had a specific gene that greatly increases her chances of having breast and ovarian cancer, which the latter claimed her mother in her 50's.  So, she decided to have a double mastectomy. You can read the full story here.

So, I think, if you do get tested and have that specific gene, it could be a great way to prevent cancer from forming.  My mother-in-law is a two time breast cancer survivor.  When she first had it, they only did one, they didn't do a double like they do now.  And, well, it came back.  My sister has had cervical cancer as well as other female problems.  I have thought before of having some things removed to prevent that because I too have some female problems.  It's a scary thought.  The big "C" word scares a lot of folks.  Would you rather take preventive measures to not get it in the first place or risk getting it and going through the horrors of chemo?  Me personally, I'd say take 'em off.  I've seen what chemo does, it's not pretty...I'd rather lose the boobs than go through chemo or lose my life.

That being said, I am sad at the same time.  Angelina Jolie is my #1 on "the list" that every married couple says they don't have but do.  Ever since Tomb Raider (watched them over the weekend ironically!) I have had a HUGE crush on her!!  She, to me was a perfect specimen of beauty (both inside and out), philanthropy, kick ass chick movies, and crazy.

So, Miss Jolie, I applaud you for your bravery in speaking out about this in hopes to help other women to deal with this issue in their lives, and I'm sorry for yours, and the world's loss.

Yes, there was a bit of tongue and cheek in there.

Have a wonderful day all!

<3 Jessie

Weirdos

I get this often, "You're so weird." or "That's not really normal."  To them, I always say, "Define normal."

Normal is defined as "Something that is usual."  So, it is a relative term, no? I would say so.  What's normal to us, is completely weird to someone across the globe.

So, to all my weirdos, all my freaks, all my loves. Be proud of who you are. I wouldn't want it any other way.

<3

Jessie

"Why Do They Have To Flaunt It?"

The other day, I was speaking one of the other caretakers for my husband's Grandma.

We overlap on our shifts by about a half hour. We got on the subject if gays and lesbians, (I think there was something in TV talking about it.) She mentioned that her daughter's roommate is a lesbian. In my head I thought Yeah, sure...she's just a "roommate". She must have read my thoughts as she said her daughter has a boyfriend and the roommate has a girlfriend.

But she then said something weird. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why they have to 'flaunt' it."

My mouth dropped open, thankfully her back was turned. After thoughts of beating the ignorance out of her, I composed myself and asked, "What makes you think she flaunts it?"

Her response was even more confounding, "Well, they are always spouting it's not wrong, that the Bible's wrong. If they don't think it's wrong, then why are they always trying to tell others it isn't wrong?"

I tried to understand her logic, it didn't make sense. Before I could respond with a "what the hell?!" She shrugged and walked out of the room to go check on grandma.

I calmed down, but I didn't speak up. She's older and, at her age, I don't think giving her my soapbox would do any good.  So, I'll do my rant here:

Flaunt it? How do we flaunt it? We flaunt it because we want to kiss our gay lover on the street?  We flaunt it because we want to hold hands in public?  News flash: Lots of straight women hold hands a kiss...granted not frencher, but I do. I kiss my good girlfriends on the cheek and we do link arms.  Does that mean I'm gay?  Oh wait, bad example.

Is it our blood that flaunts when we bleed? Do we flaunt it when we're helping someone out?

What about this?!  I'm sick of straight people flaunting their love, their chance at marriage and wedding rings.  I'm sick of them flaunting their divorce papers around saying, "This is the last time I'm done!"  Do THEY have to flaunt it all the time.

Granted, there are a few people that do "flaunt it" on a daily basis.

But most of the time, we flaunt it during one week in our cities...Pride Week.  But, I think they're jealous.

Cause let's face it.  We just look so damn fabulous!

Hope you had a good laugh as well!

<3

Jessie

I Kinda Nicely Told Off Someone In The Bishopric Today

So, today after Sacrament, I got asked to meet with one of the counselors from the Bishopric.

After we went into a room, he told me, "I have some sad news...well, actually doubly sad news."

Which made me nervously chuckle out, "Oh, what did I do now?"

We said a prayer and he released me as Ward Chorister, which I love...so, now, I don't have ANY musical callings, much to my dismay.

He then said "The other sad news, you've been called to nursery."

After a second of silence, I looked at him and said, "Can I ask you something?" he said sure and I said, "Why would you say nursery is a 'double sad', it was a fun calling when I had it before."

He then started backpedaling fast explaining that he personally would rather have his current calling or maybe even bishop than nursery.  I was pretty upset about it.

Those are OUR kids in there, the future.  How DARE you apologize for helping take care and nurture them?!

They are children of God, and while, albeit a handful, they are more closer to the heavens and the angels than any adult.  You look at a child and you see the miracles of heaven.  What a beautiful, chaotic site.

So, next time you drop your kid in nursery, or have just been called to the "dreaded calling"...please stop and think what a WONDERFUL calling this can be!!

<3

Jessie

A Pig's Head And Go Go Dancers

Fun was had by all last night.

My family and went out to nearby place that happens to be a casino.  I've found that some of the local Indian Casinos are fun...they can have good food.

We were really hungry and decided to go to the buffet they had there.  Pretty good one too.  Do to late kiddie napage, it was about 9 p.m. when we ate.

Well, I had been biking that day.  I used to be (and trying to be again) an avid cycler. I'm trying to get back into Marathon shape...anyhoo, on those days, I try to pack a good amount of protein in.

So, after a nice egg, beans and cheese heavy salad, I went in to get a slice of prime rib.  Now, I was a vegetarian before I had my last baby...now, I'm not, but still loved to have veggie meals.  So, I'm a little gun shy sometimes around meat.

As I go up to the carving station, I see this roasted pig, head, hooves, the whole shebang.  To top it off, it was a baby pig, oh, excuse me, a "succulent pig". Before I saw the pig, I had asked for a slice of prime rib...I started to walk away with the carver saying, "Are you sure? It's really good, it's just a pig!"  Yes, but it had a dead face...I couldn't eat it. So, I ate all veggies that night.  It didn't help that my hubby, the carnivore that he is saying, "That'll do pig!" from time to time.

Me and my daughter had finished eating, while the boys were almost finished. It can take a few minutes to get the car from valet, so I went to go get it. As I walked out of the buffet area, my jaw dropped. What stood before my eyes was about 10 go go dancers.  They had hardly anything on. They were in tight leather bikinis, fishnet stockings and high heels or knee highs.  After I gawked for a minute, I ran back in and motioned my husband away from my son. He said "What?!" very grumpily as he was still eating.  I said, "Don't let (our son) look at the casino floor, there are dancer with NOTHING on." He said, "WHAT?!" and started looking behind me. "What do you mean?" he asked.  I was flustered and said rather loudly, "There are really hot chick dancing in just bikinis!" and turned and walked away. Thankfully, there was hardly anyone there.

So, I walked around the dancers thanking that my daughter isn't old enough to understand what she's looking at.  I turn in my ticket and waited. Where I sat, I happened to be able to see a few of the dancers still having a good time.  I have to admit, I was enjoying the show myself.  I even texted a friend who's dear and said, "Dude, you HAVE to come and visit me sometime." with a LOL added.

I didn't notice my hubby and son approach until I heard the words, "Looks like Mommy had more fun looking than Daddy."  Which made me snap out of it and laugh.  Yes, honey, I probably did.

So, last night, had some funny moments, but it also reconfirmed my original stance of "some days are harder than others." this was a hard moment.  Looking at those girls, I thought, "Yeah, that really could be fun."

But in steps my man, my rock, my best friend with humor to defuse what could have been a really awkward moment between us.

So, with a Pig's Head and Go Go Dancer on a family outing, how can my life be boring? LOL!!

Love you all!!  Hope this got a good laugh out of you!!

<3

Jessie

"Ask The Reader"

I received an e-mail yesterday from a woman named "Gina".

Gina asked me to write more in detail about my daily struggles, as she is experiencing some major struggles of her own. I read in detail as to what her main struggles were, I had an epiphany.

While yes, this blog is about me and my personal history, struggles, and life in general; there are so many of you in the same boat.

I will start providing more details about my struggles,  but I would also LOVE to share your stories with everyone.  I would also love to see, (Either via e-mail I can re-post or comments on the blog.) your advice on how you're coping with these struggles that you, the readers are going through. I can only give advice on what I've experienced.

So, with Gina's blessing,  I will try and post her e-mail sometime today before I hit the road. I told her I am leaving and won't be able to respond they way I want to until I get back to civilization.  In the mean time, maybe we can have some comments that will help her out...even a "hey girl, you rock, it'll be okay." Would be AMAZING!

As always,  I will protect your identity unless you specify that you don't care.

Love you all!

<3
Jessie

Spring Break! Will Be Gone

Just letting you guys know, I will be out of town for about a week. Leaving in the next few days.

We're going for Spring Break to visit family and will be in the country...which means no cell or internet service!  However shall I manage?! Lol

Nah, I LOVE nature and not having to worry about if I've missed a call or not! It's very liberating!

So, if you're on spring break this week like most of the country,  have a great rest of it! See ya soon!

<3

Jessie

Looking For More Questions!

Hello everyone!

My Q&A's are becoming very popular.  Please, send me some more questions!  I'm very eager to answer them!  No question is uncomfortable! As you can tell from previous posts, I am very candid about everything!!!

<3

Jessie