We CAN Change This World, We NEED To Change This World

Well, it seems since my last post, my voice has reached more people than I ever imagined. My post on suicide became my #2 most read post EVER in 24 hours...and still climbing.

Which means, I feel an even bigger duty to post more than I have in the past couple years.

My heart hurts, really since Orlando. We as a Nation, and we as the WORLD have been hit so hard by so much violence. Cops are dying for other cops mistakes, people are dying because of their skin, because of the sexual orientation, people are dying for shopping at a mall, a truck through a crowd out for celebrations, a military coup. The list goes on...I mean, aren't you tired? I know I am, I'm . I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hearing this, I'm tired of what kind of world I have brought my children into, I'm scared to be pulled over by police, even though I look white (I am almost half native), I worry about my kids being kidnapped, youth (not just LGBT) losing their lives to suicide. I worry who the next president will be, because either one I'm scared to let them have nuclear launch codes...because that is the shit that happens today.

I had a lot of friends on Facebook say they were taking a break, I was thinking the same thing. I'm tired of the arguing about trivial things when you think about it...who is right, who is wrong. While we are doing this, arguing with each other, lives are lost. Lives are lost over all the things I listed above and more.

I do believe with all my heart, that if we stopped this, the pettiness of skin, or sex, or uniform, or religion and looked at ones goodness, their love for others. One act from a bad person claiming they are part of one group...they do not represent us all...and I think in the middle of all the fighting over who's life matters. Yes, black lives matter, yes blue lives matter, LGBT lives matter...WE ALL MATTER.

Is there a racial divide in this country? Yes, I have seen it and experienced it through friends...I have seen cops say to my friend, that her black son's murder doesn't matter because he was a thug...when he was the last thing from it. I have seen people grow up thinking all cops are bad because of one bad cop...I've seen people shout slurs of religious hate to me and to others...I have seen gay slurs tossed around like being gay was a bad thing.

We have the chance to change this nation for the good. We have a chance to change this world. We have the chance to teach our children to be better than us.

Get up, get out and love everyone. It sounds so easy, but some days it is really hard. I have a very quick temper...and if someone I don't know (sometimes those I DO know) will get a long string of explicits thrown at them. I need to be better...WE need to be better.

I'm not saying don't march, don't protest...sometimes we need that in our society for a little shake up. But do it peacefully, do it lovingly...and if you see someone having a hard day, give them a hug!

Love you all so much!

Jessy

I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,

<3

Jessie

Supreme Court and the Church "letter"

Hey my loves! It's been awhile, life just won't stop! Hubby is still out of state working and our house hasn't sold yet. Please throw some prayers our way!

First of all, YAAAAAAAAAAY on the Supreme Court decision! Of course I am happy about it. I was discussing it with my brother and he's all "No, it tramples on state's rights." Don't get me wrong, I am a big supporter of states rights...but this ruling has made it so the LGBT community can get married legally to a same sex partner without any penalties. I think it's beautiful. LGBT are no longer second class citizens.

I don't necessarily support gay marriage...I support happy marriage. Everyone has the right to be happy!

Now, the as to the now infamous "letter" from the church stating that the church disagrees with the ruling but we still welcome all to come to Christ. We should love one another and not support gay marriage.

Have faith, dear friends...everytime there has been a major ruling that has gone against church practices has eventually been changed through modern day revelation. When marriage was defined by the Supreme Court in the late 1800's to be "One man and one woman." The church came out with a response saying it's not the Lord's will, as they were practicing polygamy. Then those of African American decent, they had nearly 2 decades after the civil rights movement before they were allowed to have the Priesthood. Until the 80's, they asked to not mix races of the decent of Cain or Lamenites. I am nearly half Native American. If my family had listened to those words, I wouldn't be here today. The church today, defines marriage as one man and one woman, ANY worthy man can hold the Priesthood.

So, take heart, we are at the beginning stages of this change in our church. We are FINALLY starting to see more people being put into leadership roles that are more loving and accepting of the LDS LGBT population. The Lord is hearing our prayers to find love and understanding in his church.

Be strong, be faithful, and know that God loves YOU for YOU!!

And I love you too!

♡Jessie

To Be or Not To Be?

Hello my beautiful readers!

I have received several emails asking me that they wish I would update more often.

I do try, but life in my little family has been very challenging. I have  currently injured my arm and hubby will be having surgery here soon. So, I am very sorry I can't update more right now, but I am just trying to keep my family together!

The other thing I want to address with you is how honored I am. I am a perfect stranger and you are spilling your secrets to me seeking help, strength and encouragement. I think it helps that I am completely non-judging and only here to help.

That being sad, I do try and give advice from both sides. I lay it out very black and white.

I have had a few emails from woman lately that have desired to have a girlfriend while married...or even currently have a girlfriend with full spousal support.

I felt I need to address this more formally...I feel like there are more in the situation than we know about.

First of all, again, I am not judging. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I love you all, and understand the hurt and frustration of it all.

For those that have girlfriends with full spousal support, that is amazing and rare. Other women that have emailed me in the past, their husbands don't quite understand why and have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that they were bisexual, let alone wanting to be physically with another woman. I am very happy that you have that support!

For those that are thinking about it, it is a VERY hard decision to make. I sometimes still struggle with my decision to abstain from having a girlfriend at this time. My husband is my best friend, I have known him since high school. For me, I don't think I could forgive myself for the hurt it would cause him...when things really hit the fan when I first came out to more than him...I literally ran away from home for a day. When I came home, the relief on his face...he thought I was gone for good.

I stress this is a very hard decision. It comes down to this...if you are willing to potentially break up your marriage to explore this part of your life? For me, I am not there yet. But I am personally okay with my decision.

That being said, you need to be your genuine self. If you feel like this is something you need to explore, if it is crushing you not to do this. Then, you need to. Hiding and fighting these feelings with no outlet can be so damn exhausting.

I know this is not church doctrine. The church states "heterosexual and marriage only sex." Which I think is funny now considering the first few prophets had many wives...

I am not condoning monogamy, or a non-monogamous marriage. That is not something I will do. For me personally, I am okay with sacrificing the other part of my sexuality because of my love for my husband. If I wasn't in a good marriage...all bets would be off.

My hubby and I have joked that we'd be okay with a plural marriage as long as I get to pick one of the girls. Lol

I hope this helps.

I love you all so much. Thank you again for trusting with your secrets!

I remain, as always, your loyal friend!

♡

Jessie

LDS General Conference

I have a few thoughts that have been weighing on me since conference.

First of all, to the people that shouted "I DO NOT SUSTAIN YOU!" (or something to that effect.) When we were called to sustain our prophet and apostles. I understand your frustrations, I really do. But there is a time and place for it. It is a hard balance. But, anger only breeds anger, a hard lesson I learned so long ago. Know that I love you all and support your ideals of being heard, but not how it was done. Please know I am speaking with love and not condemning anyone. I have no right to judge. Nor do I know the whole reason why you did it. I invite you to contact me for an interview. I would love to get the full story!

The last few years, with the push for accepting LGBT people in the world is getting bigger and better, there is STILL a lot of push to stop these "counterfeit" lives. When L. Tom Perry said that, I died a little. I have always looked up to him. Him and my grandfather were Bishops in the Sacramento area together...so I grew up with a great respect and "grandfather type love" for the man. My heart was hurt. That some apostles (and the prophet) teach love and acceptance for our LGBT brothers and sisters, and other apostles say things like "counterfeit" about us.

It makes very vulnerable people do some tragic things. Two friends who are active LDS are trying to heal and deal with their LGBT kids attempt suicide after this last General Conference. Thank goodness they stopped themselves before they did. However, after reading other articles, there were some that weren't as lucky.

These impressionable kids, they are young and already confused as hell with their hormones...they don't need to have adults who they are told to look up to and respect telling them that something is wrong with them.

While I know that was not the intention behind it, the fact remains that it happened. These youth in our church are HURTING! They feel so lost, and when they go looking for guidance, for love, for acceptance they get met with words that make them confused, depressed and hurting more than they already are.

This is the one thing that has kept me in the church. We have ALWAYS been taught that God is a loving God, not a vengeful one. That he loves us no matter what! It's what keeps me going. So, when I hear these apostles of Christ speaking like this, it hurts, it hurts bad. It is a enough to shake my testimony a bit.

There has been much soul searching in my heart, a lot of prayer over these talks, over the attempted suicides and some that did take their lives. We truly are getting closer to the last days. We are starting to see a great divide in the church
We are seeing so many wars and pain, so much pain. We are trying to fight ourselves and we need to unite and fight back with love and goodness.

I have had too many experiences in my life as a member of the LDS faith to deny the church. I do believe it to be the true church of God on this earth. We have seen through its history, the evolution of our faith.

Black people were once not allowed to hold the Priesthood at all...it took so many years of prayers and pushing for that ban to be lifted...and even then, many people left the church thinking that a white person was more supreme.

I am, and have been called (recently even) a mix, a not pure blood. I am a mix of several Native American tribes and about half of Europe. I can pass as a dark white person or a light skinned native as I have qualities from both sides.

My point is this, at some point, many years ago, I had relatives that fell in love...their love was deemed a sin, their love wasn't allowed! Hell, even the church has stated in the past that we shouldn't mix races. And that "commandment" has since been removed.

It has taken centuries for us to evolve, for freedoms that we do have. It has taken a long time for racism to be stomped out...and it still isn't all the way, there are still people that hate people just for their skin color. They can't help what color of skin they were born with!!

And that is how it is with sexual orientation...we are born this way. And while the struggle is still very real, that were are having hatred and rights removed from us because of our "preferences." I hate that word "preference"...it is used in the manner like we have a choice and it is an easy choice. We do not. If we could choose not to have these feelings, we wouldn't. Do you think we like all the shit being done to us? I think not!

We are at the forefront of this fight. We are the pioneers...and we had pioneers before us! It is going to be a very long time until people will come around to loving us as is.

I know this church is true, with all my heart. I still sustain the Prophet and our Apostles. Is it hard to do? Sometimes, yes it is. But I have the faith that things will one day change. Do I know what that change will be? No, but something does need to change!

God and Christ are all loving, it's humans that aren't.

All my love,

Jessie

You Are Not Alone!

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend!!!  I sure did!

I recently received an e-mail from my youngest reader yet (that I know of!). She is 16. While I don't know what it is like to be closeted at 16 at this time and era, I do know what it is like to be a closeted 16 year old. It really sucks.

All I can say, and repeat from the mountain tops:  You are NOT ALONE!!!

You might feel alone, because you might not be able to speak about being who you truly are to just anybody.  It's hard to find someone you can truly trust sometimes.  But I promise, with prayer the Lord will help direct you to someone you can confide in, someone you can trust...but until that happens, I'm alway here!!

I am so honored that you, my readers are trusting and reaching out to me. I feel so blessed to hear from you and help...I hope I'm helping!

Also, there are MANY groups on Facebook that revolve around supporting fellow LBGT and LDS people.  The groups are usually closed or private which means it won't show up on your page as being part of the group...there are some open groups too, so be careful which group you join if you want to remain incognito.

Have a wonderful week!  Love to you all!!!

Jessie

So Much On My Mind!

Hello my beautiful readers! I hope this Father's Day finds you in good health and spirits!

So, apparently my last two blog post didn't actually post! Oooops! Sorry! I'm still here!

We've had a very busy few months as a family and me on a personal level! Trying to still breathe while treading water is hard!

I even have an interview for my blog (yes! You'll be able to hear me!) Hopefully in the near future! The interviewer and I keep setting up times and something keeps happening!  Gah! Stay tuned!

Busy, busy, busy!

Also, I've had a few emails in regards to the Ordained Women and the discipline hearings they've been summoned to (aka possible excommunication.) I'm still mulling over my  response to all of it. So, hopefully in the next day or two!

All my love,

Jessie

Judge Not/Happy Holidays

This time of year, I celebrate Christmas. I have friends that celebrate Yule, Hanukkah, and other numerous holidays that happen this time of year.

I'm seeing all this stuff lately about so much hate, and it saddens me greatly. People are getting really judgy over some people's personal choices...even though it has no effect in their personal lives.

For example,

I recently had some new ink done on myself. I went from one tattoo to three. They all have wonderful meanings and are very symbolic of things that are very important to me.  While tattoos are not encouraged, they are not against our Mormon laws. I've seen many older men in the temple with tattoos on their hands...usually do to being in the military.  If they're allowed in, why can't I?  There is no reason that I cannot be allowed my temple blessings. My body is a temple, mine just has some stained glass windows. :-)

Well, of course I'm getting some flack for all of this...even from family...but I have one family member in particular (who I rarely see and rarely talk to.) She likes to look at all my facebook stuff I post and then talk shit about me to other family members behind my back. They've even warned my mom that I'm not following the path that I should, that they're worried about me.

She decided to passively aggressively post an article on her facebook knowing good and well I'd read it. It was about Tattoos and Mormons...she put something along the lines of "Well said! Exactly what I think many people are forgetting anymore. We just have to follow the words of our prophets."

Words of our prophets indeed.  So, I was chatting with my sister about this and she told me to re-read this General Conference talk by President Uctdorf  The Merciful Obtain Mercy.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from the talk.

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

I love you all so much. I relish in your strength and individuality. You are all so beautiful inside and out!!

God loves you, and I love you!!

Happy Holidays!

<3

Jessie

Unashamed Desires

Okay, so I'm so sorry again to be offline for so long. I haven't been ignoring, I swear!  This has been a year a sickness man!  My son got really sick (never does!), then went into croup with my two-year-old that landed us in the ER it was so bad...and this bug that has been going around giving kids croup has been giving adults a 3 stage flu...apparently I'm in the 3rd stage...and it sucks! What's fun is watching people gawk at you while you're tossing your cookies outside of Walmart because you needed some more meds. GAH!

But I digress...A friend of mine and I have been sending youtubes back and forth of some good songs we thought the other might like.  I sent her today an old Missy Higgins song called "Steer".  Upon looking up that video, I discovered some videos that I have the album to, but haven't seen the video for.

I have heard this song "Unashamed Desires" dozens of times and the power of the song never hit me until I saw the video. If you've read my Bi and Gay Musicians post, you'll know that Missy is Bisexual.  Take a listen and watch the video. Both male and female dancers slowly and sensually strip her to almost nothing, while she repeats "I've got nothing to hide." in the middle she says "Oh, and I'm, not afraid to love, not afraid to love, unashamed desires" at the very end she sings "I don't want to waste my time holding down the truth, I've got everything to win, only pain to lose. This is my unashamed desire."

This is my hope and wish for us all. That it is like she sings UNASHAMED!!!  <3 Jessie

A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

Thank You!

Hello all!!  Hope you're having a WONDERFUL Saturday!  It's partly cloudy and MUCH warmer than in recent days!  I'm not a big fan of snow!

I first want to thank you all for the well wishes and prayers about mine and my family's health!  It truly means a lot!  They think I have pinched nerve in my back...so more tests coming soon!  As for everyone else, we're just plugging along going through minor colds and what not!  I'm just hoping my back gets a little better...it HAS to!  My hubby's busiest months are November and December.  It makes for good Christmas' but at the same time, I'd rather have him home! :)

So, I looked at the stats, and with your help, I'm just shy by 30 views to make 5,000!!  It's insane!!  This blog started out as NOTHING...and now it's starting to progress into something that people read as soon as a new post comes up!  This to me is mind-blowing.

I also now have a back log on e-mails and posts!  This has never happened before!  I am so humbled by this!  I commend you for your opening yourselves up to me, for sharing your stories!  I'm starting to see how one individuals' life story can hit home to a person where another will not resonate.

I love that you let me share your stories or questions on here!  It really does make a difference!!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thank you SO much!!

<3

Jessie

Bi and Gay Musicians Part 2

Alrighty, since my first Bi and Gay Musicians post is by far the most popular on my blog, I went through my iPod and computer more thourghly, as I have over 3,000 songs in there and about 5,000 on my computer.

This list is not all inclusive, there are many more, these are more artists that are on my iPod! I found this list at Topgaysongs.com which is a fabulous website in general and gave a few good giggles!

Adele-I was surprised by this one, i thought she was straight and she just recently had a little boy. While she has a great voice, people are just playing her too much...so, I do have Rolling On the Deep, but I don't have that on my most played list.

David Bowie-from Labyrinth to "Rebel, Rebel" I just love him! "Golden Years" is my favorite song! He is married to a woman, but they have both admitted to being Bi.

Tracy Chapman-"Revolution", "Fast Car" and "Give Me One Reason To Stay Here" are on heavy rotation.

Vanessa Carlton-I'm a HUGE Joni Mitchell fan, not so much Vanessa, but when I heard her singing "Big Yellow Taxi" with Counting Crows,  I had to get it!

Elton John-brilliant man! If I need to say anything about him, get out of your closet a bit more! Lol. "Candele in The Wind", "Benny and the Jets", "Rocket Man" and "Tiny Dancer" are all on rotation!

Lady Gaga-yes, I have a few Lady Gaga songs...and "Born This Way" is my favorite, my mom even likes this song! If you've seen any of her videos, you won't be surprised that she is bi.

Sophie B. Hawkins- more of a one hit wonder...but I have "As I Lay Me Down to Sleep" love it!

Joan Jett-who is surprised by this?! I sure am not! My friend and I love her, one day she ran into her in a tiny Nevada city called Wendover (Utah-Nevada border.) Sent me a picture with Joan Jett with the caption "Ran into Joan Jett! She totally tried to hit on me!" Lol! And I must say, I do a good version of "I Hate Myself for Loving You." That I did with a former band I was in!

Janis Joplin- this one surprised me. All of her songs indicate a man...but, it was the 60's and being gay was still pretty taboo.  Bobby Magee and Piece of My Heart are my favs!

Mika-Never was surprised by this. I have his first album, love it...he tries so hard to be Freddie Mercury...even has lyrics that say "I tried to look like Grace Kelly,  but all of her looks are too sad. So I tried a little Freddie. I've gone identity mad." And another song called "Big Girl, You are Beautiful" (which I love) reminds me of "Fat Botton Girls".

Sinéad O'Connor-"Nothing Compares To You" one hit wonder turned activist.

Dusty Springfield-makes you think a little bit different in "Son of a Preacher Man" lol. Sadly, she died in 1999 from breast cancer.

Tila Tequila-I have one song of hers from the "Across The Universe" soundtrack where she sings the Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". Where she plays a lesbian trying to figure out who she is and trying to come out and she does in the film during the song "Dear Prudence". I guess she also had a MTV reality show about her falling in love...eh.

Do you have any of these guys on your playlist? Let's hear it!

<3
Jessie

Organ Donation, DOMA!

Sorry guys!  We have had a busy month!

I've been dealing with (still) female problems, hopefully they'll be fixed soon, other family health problems, vacations and our exchange student leaving. We're going to miss her greatly. She was a GREAT kid and she will always be apart of our family!!

Hopefully, I'll start writing again more!!!  I'm finding this summer is stacking up to be a busy one, we're going to be gone a bunch for medical appointments (the one thing that sucks about living in a smaller city...having to travel 4 hours one way to get the medical help you need!)

AND my brother just got told that "within 12 hours or 3 months from now, you'll be getting you kidney." And I'm just so giddy!!  He's been on dialysis for over 10 years now!!!  I just wish they had a better time frame, like "be here at 5 am on July 17th"...but obviously we don't know when someone will die and keep giving back after they die with the use of their organs.

My mom used to be against organ donation and was a little upset when I chose to be one on my drivers license at 16.  It changed when my brother needed a kidney.  She was under the unwritten LDS "law" that says everything needs to be in one place for things to be whole in the resurrection.  My grandpa was always very adamant about it...I remember thinking "But what about soldiers or victims that lose an arm or a leg, if their not buried with it, they won't be whole?" My family has always been big on no cremation.  Before my dad died, he said he wanted to be cremated (something that I would like...I don't want to rot in a box).  So, we did...my grandpa threw a fit.

I'm grateful to those that are organ donors, that will be or already have.  There is still something beautiful that comes out of a horrific event such as a loss of life. But I'm grateful that some time soon, someone will be giving my brother a better chance and living longer...all because they put "Organ Donor" on their ID card.

And let's hear it for the Supreme Court! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Yay!!  Thanks for seeing that marriage belongs to all!!

Take care!!

<3
Jessie

Christian Based Businesses, The True Love of Christ

I heard in the news a few months ago about a Christian bases bakery back east that had no problem selling cookies and pasteries to anyone...however, when a lesbian couple who loved the bakery and wanted him to make a cake for their up and coming wedding, he refused saying it's against his beliefs.  I believe there is a current lawsuit out against him.

I'm hearing more and more stories like this.  Are we really going backwards now where we'll need a separate water fountains for gays? What about bisexuals? Do I get to use both?  Transgender? *smacks forehead*.

Today, on the radio I heard (and have heard before) of a proud computer store in town that is proud to be and has always been a "Christian based company".

I'm REALLY wanting to test just how "Christian" they really are.  I have a friends that would, I'm sure be willing to go into the store holding my hand, pretending we're a couple and seeing the reaction of it.

The reason I'm bringing this up is, I'm sick of people claiming to beleive in Jesus and being total hypocripts about what Jesus taught.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." I could go one for hours about the wuotes of loving one another.

When every one called the lepers "unclean" or called the prostitutes "whores"...what did Jesus do? He hung out with them, he blessed them. He didn't care what they were doing or how they got there. He didn't care about being "associated" with them.

But, for some reason people think that by associating or helping gays that they are infact going against the teachings of God...

NO!  That couldn't be farther from the truth...if that were true, if we were supposed to shun everyone we thought were sinners....we'd end up shunning everyone, including ourselves.

We are here to help one another as brothers and sisters to get back to our Heavenly Father and Mother. We are here to help bring each other celestial glory.

How can you do that by shunning someone because they're gay? It my opinion, you can't!

Take care...of EVERYONE!!

<3

Jessie

We Will Marry Your Girlfriends/Boyfriends

Hello!  I thought I had posted these, but I guess I didn't.  I watched these a while ago and just was laughing so hard!  There are a few swear words and a few sexual references...but hey, this is a blog about dealing with sexuality, so if you're this far into my blog, you should be used to it by now! lol  Enjoy!

It's A Beautiful Day In The Cold Cruel World

I can't find the song or the lyrics ANYWHERE! Gah!

Well, it's by The Warren Brothers...a country band out of the 90's...they had a couple big hits.

This song always got to me.

"While somebody's hurting, somebody's laughing, somebody's living and somebody's dying."

So true today.

I picked up my brother from the airport who had to fly in to see some people about a kidney transplant...he was told within the next 3 months! YAY!  Happy, happy!

While spending time with him, I get a text from my dear friend a few hours away saying her mother-in-law is clinging to life and to please pray she'll go quickly. They are keeping her comfy and that's it...she has maybe a day.  She has dementia among other problems.

So, while we're having a good time, receiving EXCELLENT news, somebody is losing someone important.

We had to deal with a great loss two years ago almost to the day. Myself and two other friends were preggers and all due near each other. We don't live close...one is back east, the other is about 4 hours away. One was due in June, with a boy, the other woman and I were having September babies, both girls!  We were all excited, texting each other our joys and our pains, our cravings and our weird dreams.  It was truly beautiful.

I got a call at 6 a.m. from a friend that lives close to the 4 hour away friend...the baby was still breached, and his shoulders got stuck.  She was having a home birth and they lived about 45 minutes from the hospital.  He didn't make it.  I remember sobbing, big and round while my husband cradled me. When I composed myself, I called my friend back east and we talked and cried together.  We both felt guilty that here we sit, happy and baby kicking, and she had lost her little love.

Our little girls were born happy and healthy despite mine having a few days in the NICU which scared me near death.

So, as I sit tonight pondering life and death...the world moves on, it doesn't stop...somebody's living and somebody's dying.

<3

Jessie

Dream Interpretation

Wow, well, what an intense self examination that was.  So much so, I won't go into full detail over it.

I went to www.dreammoods.com for this.  They have a plethora of details to go through.  Even the smallest detail can have a big significance.

But, basics of my dream was saying I am comfortable with the path I am currently on, but I am afraid of being exposed and having what I am used to misconstrue my thoughts and actions.  I am accepting of my love, my life and myself.  I am being reassured by friends and family about all of this.

How interesting that an intense sexual dream can mean so many other things?!  Pretty cool, no?

Anyhoo,

Hope you're having a good week so far!

<3

Jessie

Intense Dreams

So, here's another inside look.  We are told we are to purge all bad and impure thoughts from our minds...but what happens when those thoughts invade our dreams?

When I dream, I'll usually remember vaguely what it's about, whether good, bad.  The ones I tend to remember are those of a sexual nature.  Those I usually remember in full color, down to the last detail of who it was, and what was done.  Apparently my subconscious is a depraved deviant.

Well, I've dreamed just about everything...my husband, another guy, another girl, threesomes, down to an orgy or two.  One even involving a Nun and a vibrator (no, I wasn't with her...long story, but funny)  I always wake up thinking "Wow."

I've had some of these dreams interpreted before, and they are really accurate with what is going on in my life.  So, I'll do some research and post it after this one.

Well, I was living/dating this girl that was a mix of about three people I know in real life.  The funny thing is, she was so NOT my type at all.  But, we were getting married later that day.  We were getting ready...apparently I was the "butch one" because I was wearing pants and she was in a white dress.  I remember seeing my husband and my kids there.  They were happy for me.  I remember thinking "we're divorced, but he's still my best friend."  We had the wedding at and LDS church, but it wasn't by a Bishop, it was a woman that married us.  The rest of it was filled with friends, family and a party.

Then the wedding night came...I won't go into detail...but let's just say, I remember every.single.detail.

Did I enjoy it?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty about it? Yes.  But how can you feel guilty about something you have no control over?

Dream interpretation to follow!

<3

Jessie

As I Have Loved You: Religious Tolarence

My parents have always taught me a healthy respect of other religions. While we have always been LDS, we've never not been someone's friend due to their religious beliefs.

One time, in 5 grade, I was at recess swinging on the swings with a friend when she said, "My dad said I can't be your friend anymore because you're Mormon."  I remember saying, "Well, do you like me?  Let's still be friends and not tell your dad." to which she agreed, though we didn't play as much as we used to.  I remember feeling a little hurt by it, but I was still too young to understand.  In later years, I realized how messed up it was.

I have Pagan, Hindu, Buddhist, Islamic, every form of Christianity, Wiccan, Atheist, Agnostic...I could go on and on.  I've felt that if you're a good person, it doesn't matter your beliefs.  My parents even lived in the Middle East for a time, so I have a deep respect for the Islamic Faith.

A few years ago, when finishing my degree, I took a World Religion class to fill up some electives.  I was enthralled.  I learned a couple of truths, every religion has truth and kindness in it and more often than not, the things we see are man's version of the words of God, they have been twisted around for a person's benefit.

So, I wanted to shed some light on a few religions that have a lot of misunderstandings.  Like every religion, the nuts and the fringe proclaimers of one religion steal the spotlight from true followers.

Islam.  This is what cracks me up the most, fearmongers claim Islam is not a good religion, that Allah is a vengeful, horrible God....guess what?!  They believe in the God of Abraham.  They believe in Christ...their book (The Q'uran) was written by the Prophet Muhammad.  In the Q'uran, Muhammad gave women the right to vote, to own land, he stopped infanticide (As a culture, they would kill baby girls to make way for a son)...he did this over 500 years before the US was even thought of!  While there are some passages about "killing infidels  those are ALWAYS taken out of context.  In the Bible, there are passages that are similar.  True believers and followers of Islam think it's horrible what the extremists are doing "In the name of God."

Buddhism: The 8 Fold Path is a beautiful one, very peaceful, very respectful.  Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Effort, Right Concentration, Right Mindfulness.  The story of the Buddha and The Bodhi Tree is very similar to that of Christ in the wilderness for 40 days fasting and being tempted by Satan.  In the Buddhist story, it when Mara, the Lord of Desire tempted him.

Taoism: The Yin and Yang symbol, everyone's seen it.  The basics are "There are opposing forces, and life will result when they unite.

Paganism:  "Dirt loving hippies" is a common term used.  They are very in touch with nature with, the spirit of nature, they see beauty and gods/goddesses in all.  This year we are studying Lorenzo Snow in Relief Society, a few weeks ago, there was a quote with him saying "Our Mother Earth".  There have been talks about the earth being a living spirit.  We are the stewards of the earth.  We have been commanded to take good care of our earth.  Being in tune and loving nature, respecting it is a common goal we should both share.

Wiccan: While all wiccans are pagans, not all pagans are wiccans.  Wiccan is a witch/warlock, plain and simple.  The misunderstanding is the different "colors" of wiccans.  People assume all wiccans are into evil.  Yes, there are dark wiccans.  They are not nice people...but, the wiccan's main statement is basically "What you do unto others, you will receive back 3 fold."  So, it's a very karmic circle, most wiccans are very peaceful ones.  The rituals or "spells" that involve weird looking things are normally protection spells, weather spells, etc...it is their form of prayer.  Do we not pray for protection and rain?

I could go on for years about many others, but I wanted to focus on a few that have REALLY had a bad rap lately.

Hope you enjoyed, learned something new, learned that with any religion, there is beauty and idiots.

<3

Jessie

Almost to 2,000 hits and in Ten Countries!!

Okay, so I had to share!  This site is almost had 2,000 hits, which over half of those have happened since March...and there are over 10 countries that have hit this site too!  (There was Saudi Arabia and Turkey, I believe, strange how they're no longer on here!!)

United States

1582

Russia

139

Germany

53

United Kingdom

19

Canada

16

Colombia

13

South Korea

13

Latvia

12

Netherlands

8

Greece

5

Thanks for spreading the word and getting people to read this!!!

<3

Jessie