I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,

<3

Jessie

To Be or Not To Be?

Hello my beautiful readers!

I have received several emails asking me that they wish I would update more often.

I do try, but life in my little family has been very challenging. I have  currently injured my arm and hubby will be having surgery here soon. So, I am very sorry I can't update more right now, but I am just trying to keep my family together!

The other thing I want to address with you is how honored I am. I am a perfect stranger and you are spilling your secrets to me seeking help, strength and encouragement. I think it helps that I am completely non-judging and only here to help.

That being sad, I do try and give advice from both sides. I lay it out very black and white.

I have had a few emails from woman lately that have desired to have a girlfriend while married...or even currently have a girlfriend with full spousal support.

I felt I need to address this more formally...I feel like there are more in the situation than we know about.

First of all, again, I am not judging. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I love you all, and understand the hurt and frustration of it all.

For those that have girlfriends with full spousal support, that is amazing and rare. Other women that have emailed me in the past, their husbands don't quite understand why and have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that they were bisexual, let alone wanting to be physically with another woman. I am very happy that you have that support!

For those that are thinking about it, it is a VERY hard decision to make. I sometimes still struggle with my decision to abstain from having a girlfriend at this time. My husband is my best friend, I have known him since high school. For me, I don't think I could forgive myself for the hurt it would cause him...when things really hit the fan when I first came out to more than him...I literally ran away from home for a day. When I came home, the relief on his face...he thought I was gone for good.

I stress this is a very hard decision. It comes down to this...if you are willing to potentially break up your marriage to explore this part of your life? For me, I am not there yet. But I am personally okay with my decision.

That being said, you need to be your genuine self. If you feel like this is something you need to explore, if it is crushing you not to do this. Then, you need to. Hiding and fighting these feelings with no outlet can be so damn exhausting.

I know this is not church doctrine. The church states "heterosexual and marriage only sex." Which I think is funny now considering the first few prophets had many wives...

I am not condoning monogamy, or a non-monogamous marriage. That is not something I will do. For me personally, I am okay with sacrificing the other part of my sexuality because of my love for my husband. If I wasn't in a good marriage...all bets would be off.

My hubby and I have joked that we'd be okay with a plural marriage as long as I get to pick one of the girls. Lol

I hope this helps.

I love you all so much. Thank you again for trusting with your secrets!

I remain, as always, your loyal friend!

♡

Jessie