I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,

<3

Jessie

Open Letter To Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Elder Bednar,

First let me start off by saying, I have always loved you. I was at BYU-Idaho during your presidency there. I've met you and your wife on several occasions and another college friend of mine upon meeting you together said "He will make a great apostle one day." And when you received your calling as an Apostle of the Lord, we called each other up both excited  to have you as an apostle.

That being said, your comments that were made in Chile were heard around the world, it caused so much pain in my heart and in many others. To say gay people do not exist, that there are no gay people in the church.

I'm here to say that you are wrong. We do exist.

I am a bisexual LDS member. I hold a temple recommend, I am sealed to my wonderful spouse and we have two amazing kids that we are raising in the church.

I have a strong testimony of this church, I believe it to be true and that God loves us all, no matter what. But when we hear our leaders from apostles down to the ward level say hurtful things over the pulpit, it makes us want to run and hide or hurt ourselves because we feel so unloved. We feel like there is something wrong with us.

I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed on Sundays after a talk or lesson on homosexuality. People, completely oblivious to another's "secret" saying horrible remarks in Sunday School or in the hallways.

To this day, I am still not completely open to all my family and friends. But those that do know, have supported and loved me unconditionally. They love me for me.

I have had Bishops that, upon telling them don't give it a second thought because they know I am worthy to hold a temple recommend, while I've had others grill me about it when that wasn't even why I was there to talk with them.

We are taught to love all, respect all, no matter what race, religion, sex, etc because we are all God's children. But when we hear our apostles saying "gays don't exist" and other disheartening remarks, it sends a mixed message to the members. While some members have been very accepting and loving of LGBT members, I have seen families forced to move into different wards because of all of the hate and shunning that they were receiving because their kid happened to be gay.

This situation is very serious. We are losing so many LDS youth, from either leaving the church completely or taking their lives because they can't take anymore hatred towards them. We are losing our children.

Please, help change this around. Please, tell us we are a people loved by God and therefore should be treated with love too. This needs to be heard over every pulpit across the world. We are children of God too. We need just as much love and support as any other member.

But please, don't say we don't exisit. Because we do. We are very real and we will not be silenced into the corner any longer.

We are tired of the tears, of the fights. We need love and support.

Love,

A very real and very concerned LGBT LDS woman

To Russia, With Love!

So, I'm lying here in bed and I can't sleep. It's 5:30, I've been awake since 3 tossing and turning.

I played on Facebook for a bit,  read the news, read some funny stuff, and listened to my dogs nails tapping across the kitchen floor.

I then opened my blog just to check how many views I've been getting. I looked at where the views are coming from.

While a giant portion is coming from the US, I literally have a worldwide audience. Russia comes in 2nd with the UK close behind in 3rd. Wow. I am humbled greatly by this. Thank you all for reading!

But I wanted to speak to my Russian audience today. Know that we see and hear what's going on...I'm sure it's only the tip of the iceberg.

Know that we love you! We see your struggles of just trying to fit in, only to be shunned, beaten or killed. This is NOT okay...This is NOT right.

I applaud and bow to those who have been protesting and landing in jail because of it. Bravo! You are the pioneers!  You are the ones that future free generations will say "Thank you" for ever.

We love you, we pray for you, and wish you all well!

Please comment and show our Russian LGBT's some love and support!

Much love,

Jessie