"Why Do They Have To Flaunt It?"

The other day, I was speaking one of the other caretakers for my husband's Grandma.

We overlap on our shifts by about a half hour. We got on the subject if gays and lesbians, (I think there was something in TV talking about it.) She mentioned that her daughter's roommate is a lesbian. In my head I thought Yeah, sure...she's just a "roommate". She must have read my thoughts as she said her daughter has a boyfriend and the roommate has a girlfriend.

But she then said something weird. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why they have to 'flaunt' it."

My mouth dropped open, thankfully her back was turned. After thoughts of beating the ignorance out of her, I composed myself and asked, "What makes you think she flaunts it?"

Her response was even more confounding, "Well, they are always spouting it's not wrong, that the Bible's wrong. If they don't think it's wrong, then why are they always trying to tell others it isn't wrong?"

I tried to understand her logic, it didn't make sense. Before I could respond with a "what the hell?!" She shrugged and walked out of the room to go check on grandma.

I calmed down, but I didn't speak up. She's older and, at her age, I don't think giving her my soapbox would do any good.  So, I'll do my rant here:

Flaunt it? How do we flaunt it? We flaunt it because we want to kiss our gay lover on the street?  We flaunt it because we want to hold hands in public?  News flash: Lots of straight women hold hands a kiss...granted not frencher, but I do. I kiss my good girlfriends on the cheek and we do link arms.  Does that mean I'm gay?  Oh wait, bad example.

Is it our blood that flaunts when we bleed? Do we flaunt it when we're helping someone out?

What about this?!  I'm sick of straight people flaunting their love, their chance at marriage and wedding rings.  I'm sick of them flaunting their divorce papers around saying, "This is the last time I'm done!"  Do THEY have to flaunt it all the time.

Granted, there are a few people that do "flaunt it" on a daily basis.

But most of the time, we flaunt it during one week in our cities...Pride Week.  But, I think they're jealous.

Cause let's face it.  We just look so damn fabulous!

Hope you had a good laugh as well!

<3

Jessie

LGBT Missionaries

Tonight's post is a link to an amazing talk writen by a dear friend; nay my brother from another mother; Mitch Mayne.

For those who haven't heard of him, Mitch is the first openly gay Mormon to hold a calling.  He has influenced many people and have sometimes saved them from themselves...me included.

He has been a big key in helping me see the love and accept this part of me while maintaining my testimony of the gospel.  He and Nadia were also my main cheerleaders to start this blog!   I'm hoping to one day find the time to do a Q&A with him, but our schedules are so conflicting! Lol

He hit the nail on the head with this one! LGBT Missionaries.  Please read the article and then finish My post!

It is our job to be missionaries as the underdogs... it is up to us to make these changes.

One reader told me that "change begins in the pews." Meaning, if we're not there every Sunday, it won't change.

So, despite the ignorance that sometimes spews from those over the pulpit, raising their hand in Sunday School or Relief Society, go, show up. Be strong.  By just being there, you will eventually drum up the courage to speak out.  It probably won't be to say "I'm gay and what you're saying is very hurtful." I'm not even there yet!

But it could be something little, then a little more...and soon, most everyone, will understand what someone like us is feeling (they still might not agree, but hey, it's a start!)

Line upon line, precept upon precept,  here a little there a little.

Love you with all my heart!

<3

Jessie

Familiar Taste Of Poison

Hello again!

After my last post, I still was very conflicted.  I was angry, scared, and agitated; not my favorite combination. I once again turned to music, shocking, I know. When I am this upset, I usually listen to heavier stuff (I'm more of a light to moderate rock chick). So, I turned on Halestorm, a great newer group that I love.  They have some powerful as well as dirty lyrics.  They are not for kids!  I have always LOVED this song, is very haunting, and the video is just cool...and you can see why I have a crush on the lead singer!  But after my friend soberly professing her love for me, this song took on a whole new meaning.  Enjoy, please read the lyrics at least!

Drink the wine, my darling, you said

Take your time, consume all of it

But the roses were only to drain my inspiration

The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and...

[CHORUS:]

I breathe you in again just to feel you

Underneath my skin, holding on to

The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I tell myself that you're no good for me

I wish you well, but desire never leaves

I could fight this til the end

But maybe I don't want to win

[CHORUS]

I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober

I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes

And I won't wake up, no not this time.

[CHORUS]

A familiar taste of poison

This song, basically meant for me that "Yeah, this could be really great with what you're promising.  But, with having to hurt many I love to do this, it would start and I think end in a toxic relationship.  It's poisonous...I don't need it, but I want it.

I lamented to a friend (We'll say Nadia) about the "Desire never leaves".  I asked if she thought it would ever go away, to which she replied no, she didn't think so.

I was talking to another dear friend of mine about this new part of my soul that was hurting while I was exploring.  This is what she told me: To be immuned to a poison, you have to ingest a daily serving in small bits. In Egypt, a King knew he was going to be poisoned with arsenic, so every day he at appleseeds. Trippy, huh?

I had to agree, it was a beautiful analogy.  It was enlightening to say the least.  I shared this to Nadia and she said something just as profound and beautiful: Oh mama, that's rough. What a horribly appropriate analogy! Very true, keep it in perspective. What you have now is amazing, it's just what you really want in addition that makes it so tempting. The longing may not be as deep as it feels in the moment?  I totally get you. Not wanting to hurt other people, especially your favorite people, is the main reason we keep on the way we do, right?

What amazing friends I have!  Saying such soothing balm for my soul.  I hope this can be a balm for you too.  Heal the ragged soul within you.

And please, if you aren't as lucky as I, if you don't have this support system, e-mail me.  I'm always here, right here to talk and listen.  I am (as well as all these readers) are your support group.  We love you, we are here for you during the rough seas.

<3, with all my heart,

Jessie

An Unexpected Call of Longing

About a month ago, a reader asked me to go more indepth with my struggles.  So, here we go, this one will be very deep and very personal.  I am opening my soul and showing you the scars.

In my blog post Q&A #2, I mentioned about an old co-worker that had said she loved me...and not like a sister.  We were really good friends. We competed for commissions at work, we laughed and joked, and stepped in to defuse a rough situation with an irate person.  I had a knowledge that if she didn't respect me, or I didn't have such a solid marriage; things, WOULD have happened.

Well, five years ago, she up and married an Army man and moved away.  I remember, feeling sad that one of my buddies was gone.  But, I also remember feeling so grateful that she did move away, that my temptation was removed.

Only recently did I finally tell her something she knew all along...that I was bi too.  She laughed and said, "I KNEW it!  Oh, babe, I wished I'd have been there to help you through it!" I laughed too, grateful for another  supporter in my corner.

We see each other on facebook (fb), we text and very rarely call.  Well, last week I was asking her (via fb) if she had heard of the band Halestorm.  I'm a HUGE fan.  It doesn't help that I also have a HUGE crush on the lead singer! lol.  She mentioned she's never heard of them, I told her when I got the chance, I'd send some video links. Tonight, I saw that she was online and missing everyone here, in her hometown.  We started chatting and I remembered to send her over the links I promised.  I started to do that.

I do need to pause and say something important regarding this incident. In the past, she has been drunk while telling she loved me...tonight, she was stone cold sober.

Then my phone rang.  It was her.  We talked and caught up, had a great time.  Then she turned to the more personal subject...us...even though there never really was an "us".  She told me she loved me, and that she always has.  That she would get so excited seeing me come through the door at work, or she'd be mad if I called in.  I had a very real, very deep visceral reaction.  I hadn't felt that in a long time...it took me a minute realize what just happened.

Longing.  I haven't had anyone other than my husband profess those words to me and make me feel this way.  It wasn't, by far to the magnitude that I've felt with my husband (something he still makes me feel).  But it was there, it was real, it was a re-opened scar.  I must admit, it scared me a bit.
I'm having a big what if moment right now.  What if I was the one she ran away with, not him...what would my life had been like?  Would we be happy?  Would we have kids? Would we last?

I sit here tonight pondering those questions.  I'm giving them more thought tonight than I normally do.  This woman was the closest thing to a girlfriend without doing more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  Hell, I even wrote a song/poem about it. And, from the sounds of it, there will probably be another one coming up soon.

She did mention she was hoping to come visit her folks soon.  I am filled with mixed emotions on this.  I would LOVE to see her, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see her.

So, this was a very raw, very emotion-driven post tonight.  It has been a bit of a relief in itself to write this...getting this off my chest.  I hope, that bearing this deep part of me, you find what you're looking for.

<3

Jessie

I Pick Up Chicks

I've always found that I'm always in the right place at the right time, even though I might not see it until later in the day.

Take today for instance; my plan was to go to "work" (I take care of my husband's grandma daily. She has dementia).  Run to Costco, and then run to the bike shop to pick up my bike that needed a little tweak.

Our exchange student suddenly called and needed something from home before 1 p.m., but I was too far away from home. Luckily hubby was home. So, I pulled over (no talking on cell phones...bleck) and sat for about 15 minutes getting everything taken care of.  Then, at Costco, there was a HUGE line...very weird for a Monday. I then went clear across the other part of town to pick up my bike.  On my way home, I found a couple bucks in my car as my tummy rumbled, I thought I'd grab a burger.  Something said, "Nah, you can wait till you get home." So, I did.

On my way home, I saw a woman stranded, trying in vain to flag someone down to help. I pulled over, she said she needed a jump. I turned my car around, got my bike off the rack, shoved the groceries to the back and dug to get my jumper cables. We hooked it up, she tried starting it and her car started smoking. I offered her a lift, she declined saying her sister is coming. I asked if she wanted me to stay until she came. She said no. So, I went, repacked the car, put my bike back up and continued home.

I was maybe two miles from home, when I saw an older woman, probably in her 60's, walking.  We live a little outside the city limits, so she still had about 2 miles to go to the nearest houses.  I slowed downed and hollered, "You want a ride?" She smiled and yelled "Yes!" and came running over.  We talked on our way, and she's was really thankful because she wore some sandals that aren't good walking and had a ways to go.  I dropped her off, waved goodbye and headed home.  And I came to a realization...

I pick up chicks.  I pick them up when they're in need.  I RARELY stop to help guys...and I think it's mainly a safety reason.  The last time I did, was in a blizzard in the middle of nowhere and the guy was waving people down in the middle of the road...I almost hit him...they hit a patch of ice and got stuck in a bank and couldn't get out.  But, the spirit told me I'd be okay.

But, in the midst of the craziness of things not going right, there was something right. I was able to come to the aid of not one, but two daughters of God.  My hope is that you will find this inspiring and pass it along.  There is so much hate in this cruel world...we need more of just touching someone's life for a second and leave them feeling better.  But please, do NOT do it just because I've said so.  Follow the spirit...there have been times that I knew I shouldn't pull over, even when it was a chick.  Safety is always first!

Charity is the full love of Christ.

<3

Jessie

I Kinda Nicely Told Off Someone In The Bishopric Today

So, today after Sacrament, I got asked to meet with one of the counselors from the Bishopric.

After we went into a room, he told me, "I have some sad news...well, actually doubly sad news."

Which made me nervously chuckle out, "Oh, what did I do now?"

We said a prayer and he released me as Ward Chorister, which I love...so, now, I don't have ANY musical callings, much to my dismay.

He then said "The other sad news, you've been called to nursery."

After a second of silence, I looked at him and said, "Can I ask you something?" he said sure and I said, "Why would you say nursery is a 'double sad', it was a fun calling when I had it before."

He then started backpedaling fast explaining that he personally would rather have his current calling or maybe even bishop than nursery.  I was pretty upset about it.

Those are OUR kids in there, the future.  How DARE you apologize for helping take care and nurture them?!

They are children of God, and while, albeit a handful, they are more closer to the heavens and the angels than any adult.  You look at a child and you see the miracles of heaven.  What a beautiful, chaotic site.

So, next time you drop your kid in nursery, or have just been called to the "dreaded calling"...please stop and think what a WONDERFUL calling this can be!!

<3

Jessie

A Pig's Head And Go Go Dancers

Fun was had by all last night.

My family and went out to nearby place that happens to be a casino.  I've found that some of the local Indian Casinos are fun...they can have good food.

We were really hungry and decided to go to the buffet they had there.  Pretty good one too.  Do to late kiddie napage, it was about 9 p.m. when we ate.

Well, I had been biking that day.  I used to be (and trying to be again) an avid cycler. I'm trying to get back into Marathon shape...anyhoo, on those days, I try to pack a good amount of protein in.

So, after a nice egg, beans and cheese heavy salad, I went in to get a slice of prime rib.  Now, I was a vegetarian before I had my last baby...now, I'm not, but still loved to have veggie meals.  So, I'm a little gun shy sometimes around meat.

As I go up to the carving station, I see this roasted pig, head, hooves, the whole shebang.  To top it off, it was a baby pig, oh, excuse me, a "succulent pig". Before I saw the pig, I had asked for a slice of prime rib...I started to walk away with the carver saying, "Are you sure? It's really good, it's just a pig!"  Yes, but it had a dead face...I couldn't eat it. So, I ate all veggies that night.  It didn't help that my hubby, the carnivore that he is saying, "That'll do pig!" from time to time.

Me and my daughter had finished eating, while the boys were almost finished. It can take a few minutes to get the car from valet, so I went to go get it. As I walked out of the buffet area, my jaw dropped. What stood before my eyes was about 10 go go dancers.  They had hardly anything on. They were in tight leather bikinis, fishnet stockings and high heels or knee highs.  After I gawked for a minute, I ran back in and motioned my husband away from my son. He said "What?!" very grumpily as he was still eating.  I said, "Don't let (our son) look at the casino floor, there are dancer with NOTHING on." He said, "WHAT?!" and started looking behind me. "What do you mean?" he asked.  I was flustered and said rather loudly, "There are really hot chick dancing in just bikinis!" and turned and walked away. Thankfully, there was hardly anyone there.

So, I walked around the dancers thanking that my daughter isn't old enough to understand what she's looking at.  I turn in my ticket and waited. Where I sat, I happened to be able to see a few of the dancers still having a good time.  I have to admit, I was enjoying the show myself.  I even texted a friend who's dear and said, "Dude, you HAVE to come and visit me sometime." with a LOL added.

I didn't notice my hubby and son approach until I heard the words, "Looks like Mommy had more fun looking than Daddy."  Which made me snap out of it and laugh.  Yes, honey, I probably did.

So, last night, had some funny moments, but it also reconfirmed my original stance of "some days are harder than others." this was a hard moment.  Looking at those girls, I thought, "Yeah, that really could be fun."

But in steps my man, my rock, my best friend with humor to defuse what could have been a really awkward moment between us.

So, with a Pig's Head and Go Go Dancer on a family outing, how can my life be boring? LOL!!

Love you all!!  Hope this got a good laugh out of you!!

<3

Jessie