Twitter

Hey all.

I'm trying to get my blog more up and out there...I think I am, slowly.  But a friend suggested doing Twitter.  So, I am now on Twitter as @BiandLDS.  Please find me!  I would LOVE to get as many followers as possible!!!

Love,
Jessie <3

The LDS Church's New Website About Gays

So, there has been a buzz about the Mormon and LGBT community about a new a website that the LDS church has launched Mormons and Gays.

While the church hasn't changed their policy that homosexuality is a sin.  They have come around and said (paraphrasing) "It's okay to be gay, just not have sex with another person of the same sex."  

The other VERY important thing is that they are asking for more compassion for the LGBT community.  We are children of God.  We are to love them, not shun them.  Instead of rejecting your child and kicking them out of the house.  Love them.

While the church still has a way to go on things, I fell this is such a HUGE step in the right direction!!

Yay for change!!

<3 Jesse

Wish Me Away, Chely Wright

Have you seen the documentary about country singer Chely Wright coming out as the first openly gay country singer?

Oh my goodness!  I watched it the other day, and it was beautiful and lovely and raw.

I highly recommend it!!!

And I think more people need to support her instead of giving her death threats and saying she's going to hell.

Back off haters.

<3
Jessie

Bi and Gay Musicians

Okay, so I had a total moment today!

I realized that a good chuck of music I listen to, the artist or group is either come out as gay/lesbian, bi, or is rumored to be such.  These musicians are, much to my husband's chagrin, on heavy rotation...not because of the "rumors", it's because I just play them SOOOO much!!!

Some of those include:
Chely Wright (just came out as the first "uncloseted" gay country singer)
Terri Clark (rumored to be lovers with Chely Wright at one point, and my fav country singer, seen her like 7 or 8 times!!)
Missy Higgins (From Australia, not sure if Bi or Lesbian, but lyrics she's written suggest Bi.  Check our "Scar")
Lzzy Hale of Halestorm (in a recent FB Q&A, she said she likes girls too.)
Melissa Etheridge (Was super excited when she officially came out!)
Wynonna (rumored)
An Original Member of Sugarland (rumored, no longer with the group.)
Freddie Mercury of Queen (Bi, and one of the first victims of AIDS)
Sarah McLachlan (has said she would consider dating women, it just hasn't "presented itself" yet. lol, my other fav signer!)


Anyhoo, I thought that was interesting.  I've always liked these people strictly for their music, but it turns out there maybe a subconcious thing too?

What's on your playlist???

<3
Jessie

Super Crazy!

So sorry I haven't been here!  Life is just in the way!

We've been having many family health issues that have kept me very busy and traveling a ton.

I'm going to try to slowly get back into this.  I miss it, and miss my thoughts on paper.  I want to continue getting messages out to people that really need to here these things.

So, please forgive me!  I'm trying!!

<3

Jessie

Everything Happens For A Reason

I saw this today and thought:

     I just hope it's before I die and not after.

<3

Jessie

Matthew Chapter 5:27-28

After two emergency root canals in a month, getting the kids to school, a child teething, two kiddies birthday parties to plan for this week and a slew of family emergencies and drama, I am now sitting quietly on a Sunday night enjoying a tiny bit of "me" time before I have to get up and do it all again!

We have an exchange student who isn't LDS, she is Catholic and back home, they attend weekly.  So, we switched gears and instead of reading the Book of Mormon at night, we're reading the New Testament.  I thought this would be a better choice in getting her to join us nightly for scriptures and prayer.  

We read tonight in Matthew Chapter 5:27-28

Ye have heard said that it was said in old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

This struck me.  I was pretty sure I knew the definition of lust, but I wanted to make sure.

Marriam-Webster says this:

obsoletea : pleasure, delightb : personal inclination : wish

2

: usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness

3

a : an intense longing : craving <a lust to succeed>b : enthusiasm, eagerness <admired his lust for life>

So, lust is intense or unbridled sexual desire, a wish, craving or intense longing.  That's pretty specific, yes?  I've always heard the "You can look but don't touch" motto.  I thought I was okay...but according to this, I am committing adultery in my heart.

Do I sometimes wish that I could be with a woman? Yes, it has crossed my mind, as previous posts have stated.  Is there an intense longing?  Sometimes.  Do I crave?  As a human, yes, we all do.  I can't deny that this hasn't happened, it has.

But, am I really dammed for life?  Am I cheating?  No, I don't think so.  I think part of it is just Satan...he knows are "weak spots" and chisels at them...he throws thoughts into our head, saying, "yes, she is lovely, wouldn't you like to meet her?"  And, if I wasn't married, I would probably give these thoughts more entertainment than a lingering, "Yeah, that might be fun..." and then move on and head home to my amazing man.

I hope that the "lusting after" that is spoken of is for someone that instead of working on what they need to to make their marriage work...they are looking for something that isn't there anymore and hoping it's in the next person.  Actively seeking out someone else.  That to me is lust.

Can I judge and say it's not okay to cheat or "lust after"??  No, it's not my call.  I'll love you no matter what.  That's what Jesus did.  When he talked to the woman at the well...she was a hooker, plain and simple...and he still loved her.

Anyhoo, that is my thoughts for the week.  Looking forward to posting more questions and answers!  If I can find more time! lol

<3 Jessie

Porn Traffic

Okay.  Normally, I stay off the subject of Porn.  The church says a big NO to it.  I'll admit that hubby and I have shared a few movies to add a little "spice".  I've found it's not my cup of tea.

Do I agree that it's not the best choice?  Yes.  I agree that it does, in a way degrade women.  Let's be honest,  not many women actually do those things, can bend like that, and actually look like that.  When I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like it's been stirred with a blender, my make-up if not completely gone is smeared all over, and my breath isn't the greatest.  Remember the Thriller Video?  Yeah, I was one of the dancing ghouls.

Do I think porn should be banned or outlawed?  No.  It's everyone's right and choice.  I think that's where I differ in the subject as an LDS person.

Now, I do have to say, I was very surprised to see that some of my traffic was coming from a porn site.  I usually click on the link to see who is posting my link and advertising.

I was a little bothered by that.  I guess because, while this is a blog dealing with sexuality.  It's not in that way.  This is a journey of my life, a little bit of insight into the life of a Mormon girl who has struggles.

Anyhoo, being some of my traffic is from there, I thought I needed to address it.

Thanks for reading!!

<3
Jessie

Mormon In America: The Rock Center Piece

So, this last week, on a major new station here in the US, they did a one hour segment on a program called Rock Center.  The segment was entitled "Mormon in America".

I was really excited to see it, because my friend, Mitch Mayne was going to be on.  He is an openly gay Mormon who holds a calling.  A first in the church.  He is currently not in a relationship and that's what allows him to hold his calling.  He's also an activist in trying to get the church to change some policies on gays in the church.  He went through a length interview process and said a TON of things.

They gave him maybe two minutes...it didn't do ANYTHING really for his cause.  I felt it painted him more as a gay man with a troubled past.  Not someone who is very happy now and is a huge advocate for gays in the church.  He did look pretty sharp though! :)

I will say, I was upset that they did show the pictures of our garments.  That, to me wasn't called for.  They even mentioned that we keep and hold them very sacred.  We don't go around showing them to everyone...please respect that.

Another girl, Joanna Brooks is known for her blog "Ask Mormon Girl" she's also an author.  She is about being an advocate for feminist Mormons.  She's has been getting a lot of flack for her part too.  I think it's funny how many people are giving flack when they really don't know how many of us think these thoughts in private, but are too afraid to speak out.  Here she is with the courage to speak these things we think in the dark, and all you do is criticize her?

You've got to consider, that the media still spins everything to have it look and act a certain way.  When they do that, the real truth is lost.

I thought we had gotten past a lot of these problems.  But, I guess even I know better.  Hell, I'm even skeptical...I have a pen name.

Anyhoo, I would like to here your thoughts!  Please, e-mail me!!!

<3
Jessie

Stressing and Pain!

This has nothing to do with being LDS or being Bisexual...this is just life, which you're going to get these posts from time to time.

I'm sitting here, it's midnight and I just got a root canal done today.  They worked on it on Friday pulling out the nerve.  They didn't get it all out, so I had a hell of a weekend.  I called on Monday, no one was there but the office lady, so they called in some pain killers until they could get me in today.  They didn't really work.

So today, they get me in a numb me up really well.  I'm one of those odd people where it takes a ton of Novocaine and it wears off fast...and the guy is new to the practice and didn't know that about me.  He's also younger than me which was alarming.  So, I felt things throughout and the guy kept numbing me.  He said that because my tooth was so "hot" meaning sensitive, that I might feel some pain for a week or two.  Oh joy.

He numbed me up really well before I left...I thought I was done and out of pain...Nope.  I'm freaking hurting again....dumb tooth.  I'm probably going to have to call them tomorrow, I can't be down!

I'm picking up a new car that we bought on Thursday (long story there, but felt forced into getting rid of our current car).

We also have to finish cleaning the house as on Saturday we have a foreign exchange student coming to live with us for the school year.  We're very excited.  I received an email from our Relief Society President saying that this exchange program is looking for good families in our area.  We felt very strongly about bringing someone into our home.  We don't know why, but we're excited about this new adventure!

Okay, my tooth is calming down a bit...I'm going to try and go to sleep!

Have a great sleep all!!

<3
Jessie

Q&A #2: Am I Completely Satisfied Being Bisexual In A Heterosexual Marriage?

Hello again!  Ready for the next question that readers have sent in?  I am!!

This question came from S. in Arizona:

"Being Bisexual, do you feel that you could be completely satisfied with just your husband?  Or do you feel a little like you need some of both to be perfectly complete?"

Boy, this is a hard one to put into words.  Yes and at the same time, no.

My husband is my soul mate...he completes things in me that I didn't even know existed.  He knows me in and out, accepts me for who I am...smiles, flaws, everything.  He was my friend long before I ever thought about marrying him, in time it turned into something more...we just fit so well together.  Am very satisfied with my life with him.

That being said, my mind does wander into the "What If" mode sometimes.  What if, God forbid, we ever get divorced or he dies young?  Will I pursue something at that point?  What if I met a girl that completed me like he completes me before I met him?  I say before for a reason.  After I married my hubby, I started to meet women that we had a ton in common, they're beautiful, we've become good friends, and they were interested in me as more than a friend.

I actually wrote a song about one instance titled "I Can't, I Won't".  I had a good girl friend that I also worked with.  We hung out many times outside of work.  She was Bi and often jokingly called me her "Mormon Girlfriend" I laughed and enjoyed the joke.  One night outside of work, she had been drinking and she told me, "If you weren't married, you WOULD be my girl."  I have no doubt that something would have happened if I wasn't married...or if I didn't have such a solid marriage.

Because I love, honor and respect my husband and my wedding covenants, I have always been able to without any pause to say, "No, but thanks, I'm flattered."  Had I met them before I started dating my hubby, I know things would have turned out differently.

I do think that I compensate through good girlfriends.  I have a handful of girlfriends who are like sisters to me.  They do help me cope with this...whether it's talking about it or just being there for me in general. They are the ones that gave me the support to start coming out more and gave me BIG support to start this blog. (..and if you're reading it ladies, *MWAH!*).

Do they give me something I don't have in my marriage.  Yes, they do.  But I think it's just a fact that they've been a girl all their lives, they understand and think differently than a man does.  Sometimes hubby just doesn't understand and you need a girls' view point.  Women are in general more maternal and compassionate than men, they treat you different...and it's nice that if you're crying for no "real reason"...you have someone there for you that has cried for no reason too and gets why you're crying. :)

I hope this answers your questions S. from Arizona!  Thanks so much for sending in a question!!

Do you have a question for me?  No question is too "odd" to ask!  E-mail me!

<3
Jessie

Q&A #1: Do People Take You Seriously?

This question is from a friend of mine.  She also happens to be like me.  We have had some very cathartic conversations.  This question came up in a recent correspondence.

"When you tell people that you are bisexual, or that women complete/fulfill something for you that maybe men don't-do people take you seriously?  Do they doubt the legitimacy of what you're saying or what that exactly means?"

I had a co-worker once say to me, "You're not bisexual!  You're married!"  I told her, "No, that just means I'm monogamous."

I think there is a stigma out there about it, and I think it comes partly from the hetero community as well as the gay community.  Being that it appears I am completely happy, have a family, a loving husband...it's that Leave It To Beaver outlook, the grass is always greener.  That I've never had any REAL struggles and never any turmoil in my life about it.

That couldn't be farther from the truth.  It's very hard to sit there when your in your teens, trying to find yourself and hearing your mom (and members of your Ward) say something like, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" when something is brought up about it.  It makes you think that there is something wrong with you.  That your horrible and dirty for having these thoughts, feelings and urges.  Going to church every Sunday with a struggle and thought that you might be damned forever because of all this is a very scary place to be.  It makes you shrivel back more into your little, tight, confining closet a little more.

Just because there is no great show of discontent on the outside, doesn't mean it hasn't happened on the inside.  I internalized much of it and just kept it quite.  Quite suffering.  I think that happens more often than not.

I do feel lucky though.  I think being Bi is a little more "acceptable" because I still like guys as well.  I think with the religious aspect brought into it...it's looked on as I'm not hardwired completely wrong, just a few shorts here and there.  I am also happily married to my soul mate...he is my rock, my everything, my better half.  If he didn't have male parts, this blog would be going in a completely different direction.

I think because I have this beautiful marriage and wonderful children, that I don't sometimes have struggles and urges.  I do.  But I keep them in check...because for me, as I said above, I am monogamous and would never do anything to hurt my amazing husband or family.

I hope this helps and I can't wait to answer more questions!!

<3
Jessie

I'm Baaaaaaack!!!!!!

Hello!  I'm back from vacation!!  We had a GREAT time!  I have a few questions that I need to start answering in my inbox too!

So, I promise, after I finish unpacking and getting everything back in it's rightful place, that I'll answer those questions and get back to more normal blogging!

I'm super thrilled about some of your questions!!  Thank you!!!

<3
Jessie

Been Away

I'm sorry I haven't posted much recently, I have had a few family emergencies recently and have been in and out of town quite a bit this month.

I just returned yesterday from a ten hour one way trip to visit my grandma who has become increasingly ill with her Alzheimer's and also has become violent to the point we've had to take her to the hospital for sedation, it's not been fun, any prayers would be appreciated!!

I am leaving in 6 days to go on a much needed vacation with hubby and might check in, but I don't know at this point. lol

I hope you're all well and I wish you all the best.  I would LOVE to hear from you!!

<3

Jessie

Thank You!

Sorry, it's been a while since my last post...we've been out of town quite a bit and will be more!

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this all around the web!  I am deeply touched at how far this has reached!  People all over the world have started reading this blog.

I haven't seen many comments yet, though I'm not surprised...this is still a very taboo subject especially in the strict LDS culture.

I am still hoping to reach out more and more.  If you want to ask a question, please e-mail!  I would love to answer your questions via blogging.

<3
Jessie

The Dancing Couple on The Boat

Hubby and I went on a spur of the moment trip out of town to a nearby lake.  There is a boat that goes sailing around the lake around sunset with dinner and dancing included.

Dinner was great, we just enjoyed ourselves and the views.  It was pretty chilly, so we stepped inside to watch the basically one man band.  He was TOTALLY cheesy.  It was great.

On quite a few songs, this older than they looked couple, would get up and start dancing.  They did all sorts of dances, it was entertaining to say the least.  But every time they got up to dance a slow song, you could just see the love radiating from them.  It was so beautiful, so emotional, so passionate.

Later, I approached them and asked them how long they'd been together, over 40 years.  I was amazed that after 40 years, they still held so much love for each other.  I expressed how adorable they were and she said under spiky hair with a think southern accent, "Well bless you're heart, thank you!"

In life, we're all searching for that.  Searching for that one person that you fall so hard for that you can't picture your life without them.  That just about every moment you think, "I'm not going to love you anymore than I do right now." And in the morning, you're surprised how much more you already do.

It's beautiful, it's powerful, it's raw.  I wish and hope everyone of you will find that.

<3
Jessie

Did You Think To Pray?

Happy Sunday all!!!

Today, we sang the song Did You Think To Pray.  This has, in recent years become one of my favorites.

Ere you left your room this morning,
Did you think to pray?
In the name of Christ, our Savior,
Did you sue for loving favor
As a shield today?

[Chorus]
Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don’t forget to pray.

When your heart was filled with anger,
Did you think to pray?
Did you plead for grace, my brother,
That you might forgive another
Who had crossed your way?

When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?

The main reason is, when I was at a real low point, when my "friend" asked me to have an affair with her...I decided to head to the beach.  It's a pretty long drive, and I had to do it on a Sunday.  I was almost to the beach and was in a small little town and I looked at the time, it was almost noon.  I thought I might be able to catch a little bit of church.  I found the local LDS church and went in.  I made it for Relief Society.  The opening song was "Did You Think To Pray?"  I just started to just sob.  I then went to the beach, walked along a very drizzly, dreary, day and found a little alcove.  There, I sat there on a long and prayed for over an hour.  I've never prayed that long in my life.  I just sat there, looking at the waves and quietly praying aloud.  

I knew that I was a Child of God.  I knew that despite all my flaws and no matter what I say or do, that I will ALWAYS have the love of my brother, Christ and of Heavenly Father.  I felt so much weight and pain lifted off my shoulders.  It was just beautiful!

So, on those days that you're having a hard time, struggling with who you really are, think of this hymn and pray!  The heavens always love to hear your voice and will smile and shower blessing upon you.

Love to all!

Jessie <3

Some Days Are Harder Than Others

So, my hubby read my posts and then asked me if I was having a hard time again.  I replied no, that I just wanted to let people know that they're not alone.

However, some days are harder than others.  I'll see a pretty girl on the street or on TV and think, "Wow!" and then other days, it doesn't even bother me.  Take going to see the movie Rock of Ages.  I was born in the early 80's and was raised on the music.  It's was GREAT!  There was this stripper pole dancing number, that most guys (and some girls) would have popped their eyes out at.  Didn't even care, really notice.

It can be a daily struggle, and for most it is.  For me, some days yeah, I will have a bit of a hard time, but everything always comes back to my wonderful family and honoring my covenants with them.

Love,
Jessie <3

Questions

I am a very candid person and more than happy to answer any questions.  Please, e-mail the question and I'll put it up and answer it on my blog.  Please inform me if you wish to stay anonymous or not.

This blog has no room for hate.  If you're a hater, don't bother.  It's all about the love!

Love to all!

Jessie <3

How I Came Out

For years, these feelings surfaced but I kept them to myself and never revealed to ANY ONE my "dirty secret".  The only that ever knew was still my wonderful hubby.

One day, I am at a concert with 3 good girlfriends of mine.  We're all married moms.  We got on the subject some how and I revealed that I am Bi.  We talked about it a little more and they pretty much told me I'm awesome and still love me...they however are not LDS.

That gave me strength and courage.  I finally told my mom a little while later.  Her response, "I'm not surprised." *whew*.

About a year later, I opened up to two close LDS friends of mine.  One gave a shrug and kept moving along in the conversation...the other asked me a lot of questions to which I happily responded to.  The next night, I went out with another friend in my ward.  I laid mention that I have a HUGE crush on Angelina Jolie.  Didn't think nothing of it.  A little later that night, I had an anonymous email sent to me.  It basically said, "Hey, I'm LDS and know your Bi.  I am too.  Let's hook up."  And it just broke me.  All those feelings that I had tucked away so deep and finally broke free.  It was a brand new email address, and the only people besides my immediately family that had it, was anyone that had access to it was the Relief Society in my ward.  And that's what hurt the worst.  Someone in my ward, who knows me, knows my family is openly asking me to have an affair with her.  She took something I said in confidence and went strait in for the kill.  It hurt.  It hurt bad.  After an e-mail response back and a rather heated one from my hubby, I never heard from her again.

I approached one of my friends that I told and talked with her about it.  She told me, "I wish it was me, that why I could say sorry and we could move on from this." We talked in depth about it.  I was so sure that it was the other friend, the one that had asked all the questions.  But I was assured it wasn't her because I was told she actually didn't know how to respond to it all with me and who I am.

After a couple of gut wrenching weeks, things started to settle...I started talking a little more openly about it all to more LDS people.  My RS President, even my Bishop.  I was actually greeted with a very warm response of love.  It made things a WHOLE lot better.

The one friend that I used to hang out with a lot (and mentioned the Jolie crush) suddenly dropped off the face of the planet to me.  She didn't text much, hardly responded back to me.  I went back to my friend and we talked...she knew her and knew her history.  She's inactive and has never been strong in the church and has a history of being Bi too.  I also found out that she has a very up and down marriage. We were 99.9% she sent the e-mail to me and it fit the timeline as well as the sudden drop off of contact.

My friend asked me what I would do with this info.  I told her, she is obviously in a very dark place, her marriage is broken, she's not active, never really has been active.  I forgave her and tried hard to re-friend her and bring her back to church.  So far, the efforts have not been fruitful about church, but we do talk more than we did, so there is still hope.  I do wish to some day approach her about the e-mail.

But in the end, I am thankful for the e-mail.  While it did break me for a while, in the end it made me stronger and made me more okay with my feelings than I have ever been before.

Much love,

Jessie <3

When I Knew

First of all, to make one thing clear.  I've had people say, "You can't be Bi, you're married!" Yes, I can.  Being married just makes me monogamous.

When did I know I was attracted to women as well as men?  The realization probably hit around high school.  I've never been glamorous and am a big tom boy.  Yes, I wore make-up, but I was the total band geek, awkward girl that hadn't found her place.  I had been called lesbian and other names.  At one point I thought, "You know, if you think I am, then, fine, I am!" I was too shy and afraid to go actively seeking a woman, so I waited, and nothing happened.  Being raised LDS and being told it is a sin, I buried those thoughts and feelings down deep.  I kept my "dirty little secret" to myself.

Was it a struggle?  Yes.  Because for some reason people who are against LGBT community think we "choose" to be the way we are.  To quote a cousin of mine that is gay, "Do people honestly think we'd choose to have this heartache, this horrible hatred toward us?! Not a chance.  This is NOT a choice."

I have always loved powerful women and looked up to them.  Strong women in music and movies have been very inspiring.  I just LOVE chick fight scenes in movies.  Angelina Jolie is still one of my favorite actresses since Tomb Raider.

A few years later, I am dating my now husband.  I feel I completely lucked out that my soul mate happened to have male parts.  If he didn't, this blog and my life would be completely different.  I knew we were getting married, that he was the one for me.  I felt I needed to tell him that yes, I like girls too, but I love you.

With all his heart, he still accepted me and loves me for who I am.  He teases me about my guy and girl crushes and I tease him about his girl crushes, which is weird sometimes as we do find the same movie stars attractive.

Much love,

Jessie <3

About Me

Hello!  My name is Jessie.  I am a VERY active, Latter-Day Saint (Mormon) married mother of two and am Bi-Sexual.

It is with my awesome husband's support that I start this blog.  It's sole purpose is to tell my story and hope it touches people.  I hope that it softens other LDS stigma of the LGBT community and shows people that we are ALL children of God, that we come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and yes, even orientations.  I hope that others in my exact situation (and I know there are many!) know that they are NOT alone. :)

Is that my real name? No. Do I look like Kate Beckinsale? Some say I do...lol   Sadly, I have in the past been met with person(s) who have caused troubles in my past about who I am and what I stand for, and I'm not ready to have that turmoil back in my life.  So, I respectfully ask those who do know who I really am to respect my family's wishes for some privacy.  I may eventually reveal my true identity, but as now, I will happily remain "Jessie". :)

I was born and have spent most of my life on the west coast.  I love everything about it.  The mountains, the desert, the ocean.  I feel very close to our Father in Heaven when I am in nature.

As I said, I am an active Latter-Day Saint.  I hold a current temple recommend and try to attend the temple as much as possible.  I am the Primary and Ward Chorister.  I studied Opera for two years at Ricks College.  I have been very blessed in music and love to share it as much as I can.  I am grateful my callings are such where I can happily use my talents.

I am and have happily married for almost 9 years.  I met my husband in high school.  We were just friends for years and actually fell in love over our 2 years in letter writing while he served his mission.  We have two beautiful children.  A 6 year old boy and a 9 month old girl.  These three are my world.  My husband is my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate.  I feel so blessed to have him in my life.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments!!!