I saw this today and thought:
I just hope it's before I die and not after.
<3
Jessie
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Matthew Chapter 5:27-28
After two emergency root canals in a month, getting the kids to school, a child teething, two kiddies birthday parties to plan for this week and a slew of family emergencies and drama, I am now sitting quietly on a Sunday night enjoying a tiny bit of "me" time before I have to get up and do it all again!
We have an exchange student who isn't LDS, she is Catholic and back home, they attend weekly. So, we switched gears and instead of reading the Book of Mormon at night, we're reading the New Testament. I thought this would be a better choice in getting her to join us nightly for scriptures and prayer.
We read tonight in Matthew Chapter 5:27-28
Ye have heard said that it was said in old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
This struck me. I was pretty sure I knew the definition of lust, but I wanted to make sure.
Marriam-Webster says this:
2
: usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3
a : an intense longing : craving <a lust to succeed>b : enthusiasm, eagerness <admired his lust for life>
So, lust is intense or unbridled sexual desire, a wish, craving or intense longing. That's pretty specific, yes? I've always heard the "You can look but don't touch" motto. I thought I was okay...but according to this, I am committing adultery in my heart.
Do I sometimes wish that I could be with a woman? Yes, it has crossed my mind, as previous posts have stated. Is there an intense longing? Sometimes. Do I crave? As a human, yes, we all do. I can't deny that this hasn't happened, it has.
But, am I really dammed for life? Am I cheating? No, I don't think so. I think part of it is just Satan...he knows are "weak spots" and chisels at them...he throws thoughts into our head, saying, "yes, she is lovely, wouldn't you like to meet her?" And, if I wasn't married, I would probably give these thoughts more entertainment than a lingering, "Yeah, that might be fun..." and then move on and head home to my amazing man.
I hope that the "lusting after" that is spoken of is for someone that instead of working on what they need to to make their marriage work...they are looking for something that isn't there anymore and hoping it's in the next person. Actively seeking out someone else. That to me is lust.
Can I judge and say it's not okay to cheat or "lust after"?? No, it's not my call. I'll love you no matter what. That's what Jesus did. When he talked to the woman at the well...she was a hooker, plain and simple...and he still loved her.
Anyhoo, that is my thoughts for the week. Looking forward to posting more questions and answers! If I can find more time! lol
<3 Jessie
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Porn Traffic
Okay. Normally, I stay off the subject of Porn. The church says a big NO to it. I'll admit that hubby and I have shared a few movies to add a little "spice". I've found it's not my cup of tea.
Do I agree that it's not the best choice? Yes. I agree that it does, in a way degrade women. Let's be honest, not many women actually do those things, can bend like that, and actually look like that. When I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like it's been stirred with a blender, my make-up if not completely gone is smeared all over, and my breath isn't the greatest. Remember the Thriller Video? Yeah, I was one of the dancing ghouls.
Do I think porn should be banned or outlawed? No. It's everyone's right and choice. I think that's where I differ in the subject as an LDS person.
Now, I do have to say, I was very surprised to see that some of my traffic was coming from a porn site. I usually click on the link to see who is posting my link and advertising.
I was a little bothered by that. I guess because, while this is a blog dealing with sexuality. It's not in that way. This is a journey of my life, a little bit of insight into the life of a Mormon girl who has struggles.
Anyhoo, being some of my traffic is from there, I thought I needed to address it.
Thanks for reading!!
<3
Jessie
Do I agree that it's not the best choice? Yes. I agree that it does, in a way degrade women. Let's be honest, not many women actually do those things, can bend like that, and actually look like that. When I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like it's been stirred with a blender, my make-up if not completely gone is smeared all over, and my breath isn't the greatest. Remember the Thriller Video? Yeah, I was one of the dancing ghouls.
Do I think porn should be banned or outlawed? No. It's everyone's right and choice. I think that's where I differ in the subject as an LDS person.
Now, I do have to say, I was very surprised to see that some of my traffic was coming from a porn site. I usually click on the link to see who is posting my link and advertising.
I was a little bothered by that. I guess because, while this is a blog dealing with sexuality. It's not in that way. This is a journey of my life, a little bit of insight into the life of a Mormon girl who has struggles.
Anyhoo, being some of my traffic is from there, I thought I needed to address it.
Thanks for reading!!
<3
Jessie
Mormon In America: The Rock Center Piece
So, this last week, on a major new station here in the US, they did a one hour segment on a program called Rock Center. The segment was entitled "Mormon in America".
I was really excited to see it, because my friend, Mitch Mayne was going to be on. He is an openly gay Mormon who holds a calling. A first in the church. He is currently not in a relationship and that's what allows him to hold his calling. He's also an activist in trying to get the church to change some policies on gays in the church. He went through a length interview process and said a TON of things.
They gave him maybe two minutes...it didn't do ANYTHING really for his cause. I felt it painted him more as a gay man with a troubled past. Not someone who is very happy now and is a huge advocate for gays in the church. He did look pretty sharp though! :)
I will say, I was upset that they did show the pictures of our garments. That, to me wasn't called for. They even mentioned that we keep and hold them very sacred. We don't go around showing them to everyone...please respect that.
Another girl, Joanna Brooks is known for her blog "Ask Mormon Girl" she's also an author. She is about being an advocate for feminist Mormons. She's has been getting a lot of flack for her part too. I think it's funny how many people are giving flack when they really don't know how many of us think these thoughts in private, but are too afraid to speak out. Here she is with the courage to speak these things we think in the dark, and all you do is criticize her?
You've got to consider, that the media still spins everything to have it look and act a certain way. When they do that, the real truth is lost.
I thought we had gotten past a lot of these problems. But, I guess even I know better. Hell, I'm even skeptical...I have a pen name.
Anyhoo, I would like to here your thoughts! Please, e-mail me!!!
<3
Jessie
I was really excited to see it, because my friend, Mitch Mayne was going to be on. He is an openly gay Mormon who holds a calling. A first in the church. He is currently not in a relationship and that's what allows him to hold his calling. He's also an activist in trying to get the church to change some policies on gays in the church. He went through a length interview process and said a TON of things.
They gave him maybe two minutes...it didn't do ANYTHING really for his cause. I felt it painted him more as a gay man with a troubled past. Not someone who is very happy now and is a huge advocate for gays in the church. He did look pretty sharp though! :)
I will say, I was upset that they did show the pictures of our garments. That, to me wasn't called for. They even mentioned that we keep and hold them very sacred. We don't go around showing them to everyone...please respect that.
Another girl, Joanna Brooks is known for her blog "Ask Mormon Girl" she's also an author. She is about being an advocate for feminist Mormons. She's has been getting a lot of flack for her part too. I think it's funny how many people are giving flack when they really don't know how many of us think these thoughts in private, but are too afraid to speak out. Here she is with the courage to speak these things we think in the dark, and all you do is criticize her?
You've got to consider, that the media still spins everything to have it look and act a certain way. When they do that, the real truth is lost.
I thought we had gotten past a lot of these problems. But, I guess even I know better. Hell, I'm even skeptical...I have a pen name.
Anyhoo, I would like to here your thoughts! Please, e-mail me!!!
<3
Jessie
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Stressing and Pain!
This has nothing to do with being LDS or being Bisexual...this is just life, which you're going to get these posts from time to time.
I'm sitting here, it's midnight and I just got a root canal done today. They worked on it on Friday pulling out the nerve. They didn't get it all out, so I had a hell of a weekend. I called on Monday, no one was there but the office lady, so they called in some pain killers until they could get me in today. They didn't really work.
So today, they get me in a numb me up really well. I'm one of those odd people where it takes a ton of Novocaine and it wears off fast...and the guy is new to the practice and didn't know that about me. He's also younger than me which was alarming. So, I felt things throughout and the guy kept numbing me. He said that because my tooth was so "hot" meaning sensitive, that I might feel some pain for a week or two. Oh joy.
He numbed me up really well before I left...I thought I was done and out of pain...Nope. I'm freaking hurting again....dumb tooth. I'm probably going to have to call them tomorrow, I can't be down!
I'm picking up a new car that we bought on Thursday (long story there, but felt forced into getting rid of our current car).
We also have to finish cleaning the house as on Saturday we have a foreign exchange student coming to live with us for the school year. We're very excited. I received an email from our Relief Society President saying that this exchange program is looking for good families in our area. We felt very strongly about bringing someone into our home. We don't know why, but we're excited about this new adventure!
Okay, my tooth is calming down a bit...I'm going to try and go to sleep!
Have a great sleep all!!
<3
Jessie
I'm sitting here, it's midnight and I just got a root canal done today. They worked on it on Friday pulling out the nerve. They didn't get it all out, so I had a hell of a weekend. I called on Monday, no one was there but the office lady, so they called in some pain killers until they could get me in today. They didn't really work.
So today, they get me in a numb me up really well. I'm one of those odd people where it takes a ton of Novocaine and it wears off fast...and the guy is new to the practice and didn't know that about me. He's also younger than me which was alarming. So, I felt things throughout and the guy kept numbing me. He said that because my tooth was so "hot" meaning sensitive, that I might feel some pain for a week or two. Oh joy.
He numbed me up really well before I left...I thought I was done and out of pain...Nope. I'm freaking hurting again....dumb tooth. I'm probably going to have to call them tomorrow, I can't be down!
I'm picking up a new car that we bought on Thursday (long story there, but felt forced into getting rid of our current car).
We also have to finish cleaning the house as on Saturday we have a foreign exchange student coming to live with us for the school year. We're very excited. I received an email from our Relief Society President saying that this exchange program is looking for good families in our area. We felt very strongly about bringing someone into our home. We don't know why, but we're excited about this new adventure!
Okay, my tooth is calming down a bit...I'm going to try and go to sleep!
Have a great sleep all!!
<3
Jessie
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Q&A #2: Am I Completely Satisfied Being Bisexual In A Heterosexual Marriage?
Hello again! Ready for the next question that readers have sent in? I am!!
This question came from S. in Arizona:
"Being Bisexual, do you feel that you could be completely satisfied with just your husband? Or do you feel a little like you need some of both to be perfectly complete?"
Boy, this is a hard one to put into words. Yes and at the same time, no.
My husband is my soul mate...he completes things in me that I didn't even know existed. He knows me in and out, accepts me for who I am...smiles, flaws, everything. He was my friend long before I ever thought about marrying him, in time it turned into something more...we just fit so well together. Am very satisfied with my life with him.
That being said, my mind does wander into the "What If" mode sometimes. What if, God forbid, we ever get divorced or he dies young? Will I pursue something at that point? What if I met a girl that completed me like he completes me before I met him? I say before for a reason. After I married my hubby, I started to meet women that we had a ton in common, they're beautiful, we've become good friends, and they were interested in me as more than a friend.
I actually wrote a song about one instance titled "I Can't, I Won't". I had a good girl friend that I also worked with. We hung out many times outside of work. She was Bi and often jokingly called me her "Mormon Girlfriend" I laughed and enjoyed the joke. One night outside of work, she had been drinking and she told me, "If you weren't married, you WOULD be my girl." I have no doubt that something would have happened if I wasn't married...or if I didn't have such a solid marriage.
Because I love, honor and respect my husband and my wedding covenants, I have always been able to without any pause to say, "No, but thanks, I'm flattered." Had I met them before I started dating my hubby, I know things would have turned out differently.
I do think that I compensate through good girlfriends. I have a handful of girlfriends who are like sisters to me. They do help me cope with this...whether it's talking about it or just being there for me in general. They are the ones that gave me the support to start coming out more and gave me BIG support to start this blog. (..and if you're reading it ladies, *MWAH!*).
Do they give me something I don't have in my marriage. Yes, they do. But I think it's just a fact that they've been a girl all their lives, they understand and think differently than a man does. Sometimes hubby just doesn't understand and you need a girls' view point. Women are in general more maternal and compassionate than men, they treat you different...and it's nice that if you're crying for no "real reason"...you have someone there for you that has cried for no reason too and gets why you're crying. :)
I hope this answers your questions S. from Arizona! Thanks so much for sending in a question!!
Do you have a question for me? No question is too "odd" to ask! E-mail me!
<3
Jessie
This question came from S. in Arizona:
"Being Bisexual, do you feel that you could be completely satisfied with just your husband? Or do you feel a little like you need some of both to be perfectly complete?"
Boy, this is a hard one to put into words. Yes and at the same time, no.
My husband is my soul mate...he completes things in me that I didn't even know existed. He knows me in and out, accepts me for who I am...smiles, flaws, everything. He was my friend long before I ever thought about marrying him, in time it turned into something more...we just fit so well together. Am very satisfied with my life with him.
That being said, my mind does wander into the "What If" mode sometimes. What if, God forbid, we ever get divorced or he dies young? Will I pursue something at that point? What if I met a girl that completed me like he completes me before I met him? I say before for a reason. After I married my hubby, I started to meet women that we had a ton in common, they're beautiful, we've become good friends, and they were interested in me as more than a friend.
I actually wrote a song about one instance titled "I Can't, I Won't". I had a good girl friend that I also worked with. We hung out many times outside of work. She was Bi and often jokingly called me her "Mormon Girlfriend" I laughed and enjoyed the joke. One night outside of work, she had been drinking and she told me, "If you weren't married, you WOULD be my girl." I have no doubt that something would have happened if I wasn't married...or if I didn't have such a solid marriage.
Because I love, honor and respect my husband and my wedding covenants, I have always been able to without any pause to say, "No, but thanks, I'm flattered." Had I met them before I started dating my hubby, I know things would have turned out differently.
I do think that I compensate through good girlfriends. I have a handful of girlfriends who are like sisters to me. They do help me cope with this...whether it's talking about it or just being there for me in general. They are the ones that gave me the support to start coming out more and gave me BIG support to start this blog. (..and if you're reading it ladies, *MWAH!*).
Do they give me something I don't have in my marriage. Yes, they do. But I think it's just a fact that they've been a girl all their lives, they understand and think differently than a man does. Sometimes hubby just doesn't understand and you need a girls' view point. Women are in general more maternal and compassionate than men, they treat you different...and it's nice that if you're crying for no "real reason"...you have someone there for you that has cried for no reason too and gets why you're crying. :)
I hope this answers your questions S. from Arizona! Thanks so much for sending in a question!!
Do you have a question for me? No question is too "odd" to ask! E-mail me!
<3
Jessie
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Q&A #1: Do People Take You Seriously?
This question is from a friend of mine. She also happens to be like me. We have had some very cathartic conversations. This question came up in a recent correspondence.
"When you tell people that you are bisexual, or that women complete/fulfill something for you that maybe men don't-do people take you seriously? Do they doubt the legitimacy of what you're saying or what that exactly means?"
I had a co-worker once say to me, "You're not bisexual! You're married!" I told her, "No, that just means I'm monogamous."
I think there is a stigma out there about it, and I think it comes partly from the hetero community as well as the gay community. Being that it appears I am completely happy, have a family, a loving husband...it's that Leave It To Beaver outlook, the grass is always greener. That I've never had any REAL struggles and never any turmoil in my life about it.
That couldn't be farther from the truth. It's very hard to sit there when your in your teens, trying to find yourself and hearing your mom (and members of your Ward) say something like, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" when something is brought up about it. It makes you think that there is something wrong with you. That your horrible and dirty for having these thoughts, feelings and urges. Going to church every Sunday with a struggle and thought that you might be damned forever because of all this is a very scary place to be. It makes you shrivel back more into your little, tight, confining closet a little more.
Just because there is no great show of discontent on the outside, doesn't mean it hasn't happened on the inside. I internalized much of it and just kept it quite. Quite suffering. I think that happens more often than not.
I do feel lucky though. I think being Bi is a little more "acceptable" because I still like guys as well. I think with the religious aspect brought into it...it's looked on as I'm not hardwired completely wrong, just a few shorts here and there. I am also happily married to my soul mate...he is my rock, my everything, my better half. If he didn't have male parts, this blog would be going in a completely different direction.
I think because I have this beautiful marriage and wonderful children, that I don't sometimes have struggles and urges. I do. But I keep them in check...because for me, as I said above, I am monogamous and would never do anything to hurt my amazing husband or family.
I hope this helps and I can't wait to answer more questions!!
<3
Jessie
"When you tell people that you are bisexual, or that women complete/fulfill something for you that maybe men don't-do people take you seriously? Do they doubt the legitimacy of what you're saying or what that exactly means?"
I had a co-worker once say to me, "You're not bisexual! You're married!" I told her, "No, that just means I'm monogamous."
I think there is a stigma out there about it, and I think it comes partly from the hetero community as well as the gay community. Being that it appears I am completely happy, have a family, a loving husband...it's that Leave It To Beaver outlook, the grass is always greener. That I've never had any REAL struggles and never any turmoil in my life about it.
That couldn't be farther from the truth. It's very hard to sit there when your in your teens, trying to find yourself and hearing your mom (and members of your Ward) say something like, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" when something is brought up about it. It makes you think that there is something wrong with you. That your horrible and dirty for having these thoughts, feelings and urges. Going to church every Sunday with a struggle and thought that you might be damned forever because of all this is a very scary place to be. It makes you shrivel back more into your little, tight, confining closet a little more.
Just because there is no great show of discontent on the outside, doesn't mean it hasn't happened on the inside. I internalized much of it and just kept it quite. Quite suffering. I think that happens more often than not.
I do feel lucky though. I think being Bi is a little more "acceptable" because I still like guys as well. I think with the religious aspect brought into it...it's looked on as I'm not hardwired completely wrong, just a few shorts here and there. I am also happily married to my soul mate...he is my rock, my everything, my better half. If he didn't have male parts, this blog would be going in a completely different direction.
I think because I have this beautiful marriage and wonderful children, that I don't sometimes have struggles and urges. I do. But I keep them in check...because for me, as I said above, I am monogamous and would never do anything to hurt my amazing husband or family.
I hope this helps and I can't wait to answer more questions!!
<3
Jessie
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