It's About To Get More Confining

So, we as a family have felt we need to move back to where what we consider home. I'm not originally from there, but hubby was born and raised there. Things have been very hard here and it would be nice to be closer to family. As many surgeries and ER visits we've had between the 4 of us, it's insane. Hubby and I both work, so it will be nice to not have to pay a babysitter, even cheap ones are expensive!

My best friend is there too, so it's just lining up to be amazing. So, why am I so melancholy the last few days? I thought it might be that I am missing my family...they've all gone back, and I'm here still working and packing. But, it's something more.

It dawned on me as I was heading home from friends house for dinner tonight. My closet is about to get tiny again. And I'm not sure I can handle it this time. Nor, should I even have to think about it. But it is big on my mind.

The city I'm moving back to is much smaller, and is still very much a Republican or "a red state" the last few elections, they've gone blue, but not but much. And I grew up Republican, no big deal. I still hold many views of the Republican party...but about 2005 is when I switched. I got tired of all the shit they spew, hating people different from them, whether a different skin color or sexual orientation. I know so many people there, especially LDS people. It's going to be hard to be myself.

The city we are moving from is very small, very much the modest community. But, I work in a big, bustling city of over 2 million people about 20 miles away. And, people don't care, they'll hug you, love you for you. It's been the first time in a long time that I've been fully free. I could be myself, and it was okay to be. People would look at me and wouldn't get weird or awkward. I was embraced. It is a beautiful feeling.

And now, here I sit freaking out about my closet. I've kept it ajar for so many years, even up here in certain circles (usually church) and it's been nice to keep it ajar and still be able to disappear when I needed a quick exit. But the thought of even retreating back further than I've ever stepped out, it hurts. I don't like the chains that bind, but at the same time, they offer safety.

I feel like I just want to say "fuck it" And goes balls to the wall, but I just don't think I could.

Welcome to the life of a complicated woman!

Love,

Jessie

An Open Letter to President-elect Donald Trump and Vice President Pence

Dear President Elect Trump and Vice President Pence;

I am a Christian, conservative, married parent. I believe very much in my 2nd amendment rights. I believe that government is too big. I believe that a strong economy is what will help this nation survive. I believe that if we serve others, no matter their lot in life, it makes the world a better place.

Boy, I sound like your average Republican voter, right?

Well, I'm not. I am a minority in many ways. I am a woman, I am half Native American, and last but not least, I am part of the LGBT community. In these three areas, I find your view points to be completely off base, and down right sickening.

To say the horrible things about women, to "grab them by the pussy." And other vulgar things. As a father of a daughter, how can you say those things and still look her in the eye? As a father of sons, how can you condone this behavior as okay? Or dismiss it as harmless "locker room talk." This is not appropriate to say. It is demeaning. To give women scores of "1-10" by looks? Don't you realize most of us already think of ourselves as 1's on the scale? You're not helping ourself esteem. Our leaders should be lifting us up. Everyone. Our rights as women are very important. Please, keep our rights as women intact.

I look more white than not, but some can see my heritage in me. I do not experience racism like most do, but I have seen it, felt it, been involved in it (whether against me or friends/family). I have had friends make horrid comments without knowing who I am, and then fiercely apologize once they know who I am. I love the Mexican people. I speak Spanish and we have even had an exchange student from Mexico in our home. Her family is amazing and awesome. Her father is a good man and is a hard worker.  They have a good life in Mexico, but they are a rarity. Most good, hard working people are barely making ends meet. Even a job we as Americans deem as gross, or below us, they gladly accept them, because that shitty job in the US is better than a good job in Mexico. I have a great love for the Mexican people.

The only wall that should be in Mexico is those of a freshly fried tortilla, holding up those delicious taco fixings.

And finally, I direct this one more towards Vice President Pence: to condone electric the shock therapy to "cure the gay" is not okay. It is sickening. Yes, I am married to a man. Yes, I like women too. It is not the end of the world. We're not here to make everyone gay. I am raising two healthy and happy kids and from seeing how they are already, will be very straight. But, they also know, that if they aren't straight, we don't care. We are going to love them no matter what. Because there is nothing wrong with them. This is not a sickness. Think about it...with all the hate that still happens to the LGBT community, do you REALLY think it is a choice or that our brains are imbalanced? You think we choose to be discriminated against?! It's not okay. I promise, if we get married, will keep the divorce rate lower than hetero marriages. I am terrified especially for my transgender friends. If you only knew who they really are, you'd cry and hug everyone of them and say "I love you." Everyone should have a transgender friend!

I am pleading with you both, you have the nation in our hands...please, please, PLEASE look out for the minority, for the little guy. Please curb your hate rhetoric, please say something to stop those that are celebrating being able to be more racists, more homophobic, more sexism. You both have the power to use this position of authority to make the world a better place.

Please, hear the words of the minority. We maybe a small group....but when many small groups get together in the name of justice and right, we can and will be a formidable foe.

I truly hope you make America greater than it already is. I hope that you will earn the respect this office has held since the beginning. A lot is resting on your shoulders. I hope and pray you have the strength and heart for this office.

May you also be able to mend all this turnoil the election has caused. I have witnessed rioting in my city. I am sad. I am with the protests in spirit, I understand their frustrations...but I sure as hell don't condone the damage they're causing.

A part of me is still hopeful that you will turn into an amazing president and Vice president...but most of me is thinking these pleas will fall on deaf ears.

I pray that you prove me, and so many others like me wrong.

Sincerely,

Jessie,
A broken-hearted Bisexual, Native American, Mom who will continue to raise her amazing kids in a hate-free environment.

Trump is President-Elect

So, I thought I'd share my feelings on the election that just happened yesterday.
Donald Trump, a horrible man, beat out another not so good candidate. I wasn't a fan of Clinton, but I am terrified of Trump.
He is anti-LGBT (Vice President elect Pence is a fan of conversion therapy.), he is racist and sexist. I fear women in this nation will look up to him as an ideal man...and it's scary. My neices were crying last night as he won. The hate that I see spewing from people's mouths today is so sad.

Today, on a street corner, I saw a man, beaming, with a Trump hat, waving a white flag with the words "Ex-Gay" on an apron he had on. I just wanted to cry.

My heart hurts, but I am hoping that in time, Trump will show us he isn't that bad after all. My expectations are pretty low for him...so, hopefully he'll pleasantly surprise us.

My LGBT brothers and sisters. I love you, you are loved more than you know!! Keep being strong!

May our hearts and our nation be healed soon.

Love,

Jessie

You're Amazing

Good morning world! How are y'y'all this morning?

I'm tired, but good! Getting ready for work!

I just want to say how awesome you are. How loved you are. You are amazing!

How cool, that we, as LGBT, we're by heavenly design, built this way!

It's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in this world right now. But I promise, you're so special. And if no one you know can see that, find those that do...because we're out here and ready to love and support you for you!

Have a beautiful day in this crazy world!

Love you!

Jess

We CAN Change This World, We NEED To Change This World

Well, it seems since my last post, my voice has reached more people than I ever imagined. My post on suicide became my #2 most read post EVER in 24 hours...and still climbing.

Which means, I feel an even bigger duty to post more than I have in the past couple years.

My heart hurts, really since Orlando. We as a Nation, and we as the WORLD have been hit so hard by so much violence. Cops are dying for other cops mistakes, people are dying because of their skin, because of the sexual orientation, people are dying for shopping at a mall, a truck through a crowd out for celebrations, a military coup. The list goes on...I mean, aren't you tired? I know I am, I'm . I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hearing this, I'm tired of what kind of world I have brought my children into, I'm scared to be pulled over by police, even though I look white (I am almost half native), I worry about my kids being kidnapped, youth (not just LGBT) losing their lives to suicide. I worry who the next president will be, because either one I'm scared to let them have nuclear launch codes...because that is the shit that happens today.

I had a lot of friends on Facebook say they were taking a break, I was thinking the same thing. I'm tired of the arguing about trivial things when you think about it...who is right, who is wrong. While we are doing this, arguing with each other, lives are lost. Lives are lost over all the things I listed above and more.

I do believe with all my heart, that if we stopped this, the pettiness of skin, or sex, or uniform, or religion and looked at ones goodness, their love for others. One act from a bad person claiming they are part of one group...they do not represent us all...and I think in the middle of all the fighting over who's life matters. Yes, black lives matter, yes blue lives matter, LGBT lives matter...WE ALL MATTER.

Is there a racial divide in this country? Yes, I have seen it and experienced it through friends...I have seen cops say to my friend, that her black son's murder doesn't matter because he was a thug...when he was the last thing from it. I have seen people grow up thinking all cops are bad because of one bad cop...I've seen people shout slurs of religious hate to me and to others...I have seen gay slurs tossed around like being gay was a bad thing.

We have the chance to change this nation for the good. We have a chance to change this world. We have the chance to teach our children to be better than us.

Get up, get out and love everyone. It sounds so easy, but some days it is really hard. I have a very quick temper...and if someone I don't know (sometimes those I DO know) will get a long string of explicits thrown at them. I need to be better...WE need to be better.

I'm not saying don't march, don't protest...sometimes we need that in our society for a little shake up. But do it peacefully, do it lovingly...and if you see someone having a hard day, give them a hug!

Love you all so much!

Jessy

Suicide-You Are Not Alone

Tonight, I am in tears. Tonight I am heartbroken.

Two mom's in two days have to now bury their gay sons. Sadly, the list their lives to suicide. Eventhough they were extremely loved, they didn't feel it...they felt what they had wasn't enough.

People don't think about suicide very much if it doesn't directly affect them...it is a statistic.

These are real people, they are not a statistic...and sadly being LGBT, you are at a higher risk for suicide.

I've been at the bottom, that feeling of "it would be better to just end it all." I got through it with my friends, family and music.

I have attached a photo of suicide hotlines in the US...I'm sorry I don't have all over the world's numbers...I don't even know how I'd post them. But please, feel free to post the numbers in your country!

Email me day or night, I don't care! If you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN!

And please, if you know someone that is LGBT...go and check on them! Make sure they're okay!! Give them that extra, "I love you and have your back."

Please. Let's make this a reality...let's make sure someone's babies will be here tomorrow.

Love, with all my heart!

Jessie

Orlando

First and foremost, the post today will not be about gun control or political in ANY way. If I get comments about anything negative, I WILL delete.

So, unless you have been living under a rock for a week like I have, you've already heard about the shooting at an LGBT night club in Orlando, Florida. I was in Alaska on vacation and didn't have much service, so only got the basics.

I was so sad when it happened. I am always sad when something like this occurs. This one hit close to home. A place that is one of the few safe havens LGBT people have. A place where they can have fun, be themselves, and enjoy some music with no judgments.

So, to have that feel of safety taken away from you, it's hard to deal with. I've even found myself checking on all the exits whenever we're at a movie theater to see how to best evacuate my friends and family if needed.

It is called terror for a reason.

Now, something more positive. While I was in Alaska, all the flags were at half mast, meaning the country is in mourning. Alaska is over 4,000 miles away from Orlando, and yet, here, in a very small city, there were people thinking of the victims of Orlando.

Everytime I saw a flag being flown at half mast, I stopped, said a little prayer and kept moving. My son had a lot of questions and ended our talk with, "That really sucks. No one should be killed just because they want to dance." I agree full heartedly buddy!

But even in the far reaches of our country, people were hurting. They mourned with you. I mourned with you. It was a beautiful, sad, and powerful.

The stories of kindness that are coming out of Orlando are just amazing to hear about!

It makes me feel pride in America...no matter the race, color, orientation, etc...when the chips are down, we do reach out and help are fellow man. While we still have a ways to go in the kindness department in general, this little spark of love is going to be pretty hard to deminish.

Love you all so!

Jessie

Open Letter To Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Elder Bednar,

First let me start off by saying, I have always loved you. I was at BYU-Idaho during your presidency there. I've met you and your wife on several occasions and another college friend of mine upon meeting you together said "He will make a great apostle one day." And when you received your calling as an Apostle of the Lord, we called each other up both excited  to have you as an apostle.

That being said, your comments that were made in Chile were heard around the world, it caused so much pain in my heart and in many others. To say gay people do not exist, that there are no gay people in the church.

I'm here to say that you are wrong. We do exist.

I am a bisexual LDS member. I hold a temple recommend, I am sealed to my wonderful spouse and we have two amazing kids that we are raising in the church.

I have a strong testimony of this church, I believe it to be true and that God loves us all, no matter what. But when we hear our leaders from apostles down to the ward level say hurtful things over the pulpit, it makes us want to run and hide or hurt ourselves because we feel so unloved. We feel like there is something wrong with us.

I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed on Sundays after a talk or lesson on homosexuality. People, completely oblivious to another's "secret" saying horrible remarks in Sunday School or in the hallways.

To this day, I am still not completely open to all my family and friends. But those that do know, have supported and loved me unconditionally. They love me for me.

I have had Bishops that, upon telling them don't give it a second thought because they know I am worthy to hold a temple recommend, while I've had others grill me about it when that wasn't even why I was there to talk with them.

We are taught to love all, respect all, no matter what race, religion, sex, etc because we are all God's children. But when we hear our apostles saying "gays don't exist" and other disheartening remarks, it sends a mixed message to the members. While some members have been very accepting and loving of LGBT members, I have seen families forced to move into different wards because of all of the hate and shunning that they were receiving because their kid happened to be gay.

This situation is very serious. We are losing so many LDS youth, from either leaving the church completely or taking their lives because they can't take anymore hatred towards them. We are losing our children.

Please, help change this around. Please, tell us we are a people loved by God and therefore should be treated with love too. This needs to be heard over every pulpit across the world. We are children of God too. We need just as much love and support as any other member.

But please, don't say we don't exisit. Because we do. We are very real and we will not be silenced into the corner any longer.

We are tired of the tears, of the fights. We need love and support.

Love,

A very real and very concerned LGBT LDS woman

Supreme Court and the Church "letter"

Hey my loves! It's been awhile, life just won't stop! Hubby is still out of state working and our house hasn't sold yet. Please throw some prayers our way!

First of all, YAAAAAAAAAAY on the Supreme Court decision! Of course I am happy about it. I was discussing it with my brother and he's all "No, it tramples on state's rights." Don't get me wrong, I am a big supporter of states rights...but this ruling has made it so the LGBT community can get married legally to a same sex partner without any penalties. I think it's beautiful. LGBT are no longer second class citizens.

I don't necessarily support gay marriage...I support happy marriage. Everyone has the right to be happy!

Now, the as to the now infamous "letter" from the church stating that the church disagrees with the ruling but we still welcome all to come to Christ. We should love one another and not support gay marriage.

Have faith, dear friends...everytime there has been a major ruling that has gone against church practices has eventually been changed through modern day revelation. When marriage was defined by the Supreme Court in the late 1800's to be "One man and one woman." The church came out with a response saying it's not the Lord's will, as they were practicing polygamy. Then those of African American decent, they had nearly 2 decades after the civil rights movement before they were allowed to have the Priesthood. Until the 80's, they asked to not mix races of the decent of Cain or Lamenites. I am nearly half Native American. If my family had listened to those words, I wouldn't be here today. The church today, defines marriage as one man and one woman, ANY worthy man can hold the Priesthood.

So, take heart, we are at the beginning stages of this change in our church. We are FINALLY starting to see more people being put into leadership roles that are more loving and accepting of the LDS LGBT population. The Lord is hearing our prayers to find love and understanding in his church.

Be strong, be faithful, and know that God loves YOU for YOU!!

And I love you too!

♡Jessie

To Be or Not To Be?

Hello my beautiful readers!

I have received several emails asking me that they wish I would update more often.

I do try, but life in my little family has been very challenging. I have  currently injured my arm and hubby will be having surgery here soon. So, I am very sorry I can't update more right now, but I am just trying to keep my family together!

The other thing I want to address with you is how honored I am. I am a perfect stranger and you are spilling your secrets to me seeking help, strength and encouragement. I think it helps that I am completely non-judging and only here to help.

That being sad, I do try and give advice from both sides. I lay it out very black and white.

I have had a few emails from woman lately that have desired to have a girlfriend while married...or even currently have a girlfriend with full spousal support.

I felt I need to address this more formally...I feel like there are more in the situation than we know about.

First of all, again, I am not judging. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I love you all, and understand the hurt and frustration of it all.

For those that have girlfriends with full spousal support, that is amazing and rare. Other women that have emailed me in the past, their husbands don't quite understand why and have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that they were bisexual, let alone wanting to be physically with another woman. I am very happy that you have that support!

For those that are thinking about it, it is a VERY hard decision to make. I sometimes still struggle with my decision to abstain from having a girlfriend at this time. My husband is my best friend, I have known him since high school. For me, I don't think I could forgive myself for the hurt it would cause him...when things really hit the fan when I first came out to more than him...I literally ran away from home for a day. When I came home, the relief on his face...he thought I was gone for good.

I stress this is a very hard decision. It comes down to this...if you are willing to potentially break up your marriage to explore this part of your life? For me, I am not there yet. But I am personally okay with my decision.

That being said, you need to be your genuine self. If you feel like this is something you need to explore, if it is crushing you not to do this. Then, you need to. Hiding and fighting these feelings with no outlet can be so damn exhausting.

I know this is not church doctrine. The church states "heterosexual and marriage only sex." Which I think is funny now considering the first few prophets had many wives...

I am not condoning monogamy, or a non-monogamous marriage. That is not something I will do. For me personally, I am okay with sacrificing the other part of my sexuality because of my love for my husband. If I wasn't in a good marriage...all bets would be off.

My hubby and I have joked that we'd be okay with a plural marriage as long as I get to pick one of the girls. Lol

I hope this helps.

I love you all so much. Thank you again for trusting with your secrets!

I remain, as always, your loyal friend!

♡

Jessie

LDS General Conference

I have a few thoughts that have been weighing on me since conference.

First of all, to the people that shouted "I DO NOT SUSTAIN YOU!" (or something to that effect.) When we were called to sustain our prophet and apostles. I understand your frustrations, I really do. But there is a time and place for it. It is a hard balance. But, anger only breeds anger, a hard lesson I learned so long ago. Know that I love you all and support your ideals of being heard, but not how it was done. Please know I am speaking with love and not condemning anyone. I have no right to judge. Nor do I know the whole reason why you did it. I invite you to contact me for an interview. I would love to get the full story!

The last few years, with the push for accepting LGBT people in the world is getting bigger and better, there is STILL a lot of push to stop these "counterfeit" lives. When L. Tom Perry said that, I died a little. I have always looked up to him. Him and my grandfather were Bishops in the Sacramento area together...so I grew up with a great respect and "grandfather type love" for the man. My heart was hurt. That some apostles (and the prophet) teach love and acceptance for our LGBT brothers and sisters, and other apostles say things like "counterfeit" about us.

It makes very vulnerable people do some tragic things. Two friends who are active LDS are trying to heal and deal with their LGBT kids attempt suicide after this last General Conference. Thank goodness they stopped themselves before they did. However, after reading other articles, there were some that weren't as lucky.

These impressionable kids, they are young and already confused as hell with their hormones...they don't need to have adults who they are told to look up to and respect telling them that something is wrong with them.

While I know that was not the intention behind it, the fact remains that it happened. These youth in our church are HURTING! They feel so lost, and when they go looking for guidance, for love, for acceptance they get met with words that make them confused, depressed and hurting more than they already are.

This is the one thing that has kept me in the church. We have ALWAYS been taught that God is a loving God, not a vengeful one. That he loves us no matter what! It's what keeps me going. So, when I hear these apostles of Christ speaking like this, it hurts, it hurts bad. It is a enough to shake my testimony a bit.

There has been much soul searching in my heart, a lot of prayer over these talks, over the attempted suicides and some that did take their lives. We truly are getting closer to the last days. We are starting to see a great divide in the church
We are seeing so many wars and pain, so much pain. We are trying to fight ourselves and we need to unite and fight back with love and goodness.

I have had too many experiences in my life as a member of the LDS faith to deny the church. I do believe it to be the true church of God on this earth. We have seen through its history, the evolution of our faith.

Black people were once not allowed to hold the Priesthood at all...it took so many years of prayers and pushing for that ban to be lifted...and even then, many people left the church thinking that a white person was more supreme.

I am, and have been called (recently even) a mix, a not pure blood. I am a mix of several Native American tribes and about half of Europe. I can pass as a dark white person or a light skinned native as I have qualities from both sides.

My point is this, at some point, many years ago, I had relatives that fell in love...their love was deemed a sin, their love wasn't allowed! Hell, even the church has stated in the past that we shouldn't mix races. And that "commandment" has since been removed.

It has taken centuries for us to evolve, for freedoms that we do have. It has taken a long time for racism to be stomped out...and it still isn't all the way, there are still people that hate people just for their skin color. They can't help what color of skin they were born with!!

And that is how it is with sexual orientation...we are born this way. And while the struggle is still very real, that were are having hatred and rights removed from us because of our "preferences." I hate that word "preference"...it is used in the manner like we have a choice and it is an easy choice. We do not. If we could choose not to have these feelings, we wouldn't. Do you think we like all the shit being done to us? I think not!

We are at the forefront of this fight. We are the pioneers...and we had pioneers before us! It is going to be a very long time until people will come around to loving us as is.

I know this church is true, with all my heart. I still sustain the Prophet and our Apostles. Is it hard to do? Sometimes, yes it is. But I have the faith that things will one day change. Do I know what that change will be? No, but something does need to change!

God and Christ are all loving, it's humans that aren't.

All my love,

Jessie

Things Are Changing in The Church!

Hello my loves! I'm back! Things are starting to turn around health wise...I appreciate your well wishes via email!

We recently received a new Relief Society President in our ward...the old one moved out. I do love the old one, I know she loved us with all her heart, but she was hard to approach sometimes.

I didn't know our knew one very well, and actually just started to get to know her in recent months. As you know from previous posts, I go to church for me, not for anyone else, because most people (it seems) in the ward don't like that I have more than one set of earrings or that I have tattoos or that I speak my mind when I hear the "gospel according to Sarah" (made up name) and not what the message is really supposed to mean. There are many times I've sat with a clenched jaw in class wanting to say some things but not really wanting to get hauled into the Bishop's office.

Anyhoo, I am a Visiting Teaching Supervisor, which means for those of you not LDS, that I am responsible for a group of women who go and visit usually about 4 different sisters a month. They check in with me, and I report if there are any needs that need to be met. Well, a need arose, and a most desperate one. I called her up to let her know what was up. Later on we just started texting. She said she loves seeing me at church because I light up the room.

I was floored. Wait, huh, who, me? You're joking, right?!

And then went off on a tangent...and I said things I thought I would NEVER say to a Relief Society President!  I told her I don't feel that way, I feel more like pierced up, tattooed, bisexual, outcast that speaks my mind when someone gets on their high horse...especially when they say Mormons are so much better than anyone else. Excuse me?! Ghandi, the Popes (minus a few waaaaaay back), Mother Teresa, they're going to heaven, it's not just us Mormons.

As soon as I sent the text, I quickly sent "sorry about the rant".

She then texted back a very lengthy response thanking me for the rant. She shared some beautiful and painful things she has gone through...but the one thing that stuck out was "I have a gay married daughter, together they have a baby. She loves the church and loves the way she was raised and wants to raise her kids the same but fears the judgement. I could not be more proud of her, she is a VERY amazing person."

The point of me sharing this rather lengthy story, my friends is this: Our Heavenly Father knows us, he hears our struggles, our pain, our DAILY strugglings with our feelings, our feelings of no self worth because they tell us time and again, "it is a sin to be gay." Even though our Prophet and Apostles are saying, commanding, nearly YELLING at us, they are pleading over the pulpit to have more compassion for us that are having these struggles...that we can walk among each other with our judgment, without prejudice. That we can love one another...it's not just a song folks...it's a commandment.

And I just saw this in my own ward. We now have a leader that has first hand love and the upmost respect for her daughter...who is no different, she is a good person who just happens to be gay. She is a daughter of God, and he loves every single one of us.

Things are changing, and it makes me excited!

With all my love,

Jessie

So Much On My Mind!

Hello my beautiful readers! I hope this Father's Day finds you in good health and spirits!

So, apparently my last two blog post didn't actually post! Oooops! Sorry! I'm still here!

We've had a very busy few months as a family and me on a personal level! Trying to still breathe while treading water is hard!

I even have an interview for my blog (yes! You'll be able to hear me!) Hopefully in the near future! The interviewer and I keep setting up times and something keeps happening!  Gah! Stay tuned!

Busy, busy, busy!

Also, I've had a few emails in regards to the Ordained Women and the discipline hearings they've been summoned to (aka possible excommunication.) I'm still mulling over my  response to all of it. So, hopefully in the next day or two!

All my love,

Jessie

To Russia, With Love!

So, I'm lying here in bed and I can't sleep. It's 5:30, I've been awake since 3 tossing and turning.

I played on Facebook for a bit,  read the news, read some funny stuff, and listened to my dogs nails tapping across the kitchen floor.

I then opened my blog just to check how many views I've been getting. I looked at where the views are coming from.

While a giant portion is coming from the US, I literally have a worldwide audience. Russia comes in 2nd with the UK close behind in 3rd. Wow. I am humbled greatly by this. Thank you all for reading!

But I wanted to speak to my Russian audience today. Know that we see and hear what's going on...I'm sure it's only the tip of the iceberg.

Know that we love you! We see your struggles of just trying to fit in, only to be shunned, beaten or killed. This is NOT okay...This is NOT right.

I applaud and bow to those who have been protesting and landing in jail because of it. Bravo! You are the pioneers!  You are the ones that future free generations will say "Thank you" for ever.

We love you, we pray for you, and wish you all well!

Please comment and show our Russian LGBT's some love and support!

Much love,

Jessie

It's All Greek! A Q&A In Reverse!!

Hello all!  I've been sitting on this for months, I'm sorry it wasn't sooner!  Greek contacted me a while ago.  She is was raise Greek Orthodox. So, I thought, for something different, since most who contact me are LDS, I wanted to share that these struggles happen over MANY religions that we might not even think about!!  So, here it is!  Enjoy!!!  I LOVE her advice at the end!  It's wonderful!!!

Hi!  For the purpose of this online interview, you've asked to go by Greek. Hello. Correct

Studly, just for clarification for the readers, are you a lesbian or bisexual? I have had many lifetimes. In this lifetime, I am a Lesbian. Oddly enough, in the past four lives I was a man. lol

When did you first realize you were gay? 19 years old

What were your struggles growing up knowing this about yourself but no one else knowing?  I grew up in a very strict traditional Greek Orthodox religious household and there was no one in my home or community that I felt I could confide in and ask for guidance or assistance. Not to mention living a double life!

How long have you been "out of the closet" and do most of your family know?  I have been out since I was 24 when my mother's friend ousted me to my mother. Hellooo odd situation!

For the family that does know, what was their reaction to it all?  Do they still feel that way?  Most are ok with it. Initially my mother had a very hard time with it. She is much more accepting now. My father doesn't know but we do not speak so I do not know if he ever found out?  Time tends to make things easier. My brother and I always were close and so it worked itself out in his mind...

You said before in a previous conversation that you were an Orthodox Greek (GO), are you still part of that religion or believe in most parts of the religion still? I am no longer a religious believer or a part of any one certain thing/type of religion.  I have my spirituality from various organized religions (To include GO, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Paganism, Orthodoxy, Christianity, Native American Traditions, Ancient Egyptian Religion and a few others) ways and even GO has its high points and will always be part of my life as I was raised in it and have literally been moved and met and smelled Saints and Archangels.  Is there just one God? To me, no there isn’t. Was there a Jesus? Absolutely, but he isn’t the end all catch all. There was also an Isis and Zeus, etc. We all could learn from the various Pantheons!

What is the Greek Orthodox standpoint on homosexual relationships? They believe it is a sin. Hooray I am a sinner, like the rest of the world! Here it is as described through the Wikipedia website.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Orthodox_view_of_sin

Homosexuality

The Orthodox Church has been consistent in condemning acts of homosexuality (but not homosexual persons), despite variations in the conditions for homosexual activity and responses from various Church leaders and the State. Continuing a worldview evident from the Old and New Testaments, the Church Fathers consistently condemned homosexual activity, as did the Byzantine state. Official statements by the Orthodox hierarchy continue to be consistent in terms of the traditional position that homosexual behaviour is sinful and thus damaging to the human person, and that homosexual temptation is a subject for ascetic struggle. While some Orthodox theologians and jurisdictions have championed the traditional view, they have also engaged in scientific conversation and in dialogue with the increasing number of societies that view homosexuality far differently than at the time of the Byzantine Empire.^[7][8] After affirming the import and meaning of the Scriptures that address homosexual activity, calling it sin, the Orthodox Church in America offered the following advice at its 10th All-American Council in 1992:

Men and women with homosexual feelings and emotions are to be treated with the understanding, acceptance, love, justice and mercy due to all human beings...Persons struggling with homosexuality who accept the Orthodox faith and strive to fulfill the Orthodox way of life may be communicants of the Church with everyone else who believes and struggles. Those instructed and counselled in Orthodox Christian doctrine and ascetical life who still want to justify their behavior may not participate in the Church’s sacramental mysteries, since to do so would not help, but harm them.

Assistance is to be given to those who deal with persons of homosexual orientation in order to help them with their thoughts, feelings and actions in regard to homosexuality. Such assistance is especially necessary for parents, relatives and friends of persons with homosexual tendencies and feelings. It is certainly necessary for pastors and church workers.^[9]

Within the Orthodox churches, there is a minority advocating a change in the view of homosexuality; one such group is Axios. However, the work of such groups and any blessings they confer are largely ignored by the Orthodox as a whole.

Does your faith, or did it have a huge impact on when and how you came out to people? I struggled telling people and coming out as I was internally conflicted due to my religious beliefs at that time. So, yes it did have an effect on me and how I did things. Now that I have been on the other side and have seen things, I know better.

If you're not GO anymore, do you have another religion, and if so what is it?  My current preferred way of spiritual enlightenment is through Paganism/Wicca and also through Reiki and the universal push pull method of acceptance and acknowledgment.

How has growing up GO and gay had a big impact on your life? How so?  I grew up GO but not Gay. I didn’t even realize I liked girls like “that” until I was 19. Growing up GO taught about my heritage and it’s customs which were imperative in me becoming the person I am today and my gifts that I share with people.

Is there a part of you that still wishes you were closeted? ABSOFUCKINLUTELY NOT!

Are you currently in a relationship with someone of the same sex? (I know, I know, but I want it to be clear to readers that don't know you! lol) :) Yes I am. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years. I call her my wife but the state I live in does not recognize it. We do, however, have a domestic partnership in the county we live in.

How long have you been in your current relationship? 6.5 years

What is your girlfriend's religious beliefs and how has that affected your life/relationship? (will change to wifey if you'd like me too!) ;-)  She is Pagan and practices Wicca.

Are you happy being an un closeted gay woman?  ABSOFUCKINLUTELY YES!!!

What is some advice you have to the readers of this blog that are currently closeted that you wished you knew before you came out? Hmmmm. My advice is this:

1.    Life is to short to be miserable so do not be miserable.

2.    Live your life for yourself and not anyone else. It’s your life! You can only live it once this time around.

3.    No matter what, if you any type of important to the person who is judging you, then they will stop judging you and just start accepting you.

4.    Anger, jealousy and regret are wasted emotions. They do not get you anywhere but upset.

5.    Do not live in the past and do not do anything you regret!

6.    Finally, if an opportunity presents itself, take it. That opportunity will never represent itself in the same manner.

What advice can you give to readers who also have these feelings and a conflict of faith? Faith is suppose to guide you, heal you, and help hold you up when you feel like drowning. If it isn’t doing this for you, but instead it’s ridiculing you, making you ashamed and making you feel like an outcast… Then find a new faith. 

There is nothing but love and acceptance for everyone once you pass over to the other side of the realm.  All of what worries you now is of no consequence there.

Judge Not/Happy Holidays

This time of year, I celebrate Christmas. I have friends that celebrate Yule, Hanukkah, and other numerous holidays that happen this time of year.

I'm seeing all this stuff lately about so much hate, and it saddens me greatly. People are getting really judgy over some people's personal choices...even though it has no effect in their personal lives.

For example,

I recently had some new ink done on myself. I went from one tattoo to three. They all have wonderful meanings and are very symbolic of things that are very important to me.  While tattoos are not encouraged, they are not against our Mormon laws. I've seen many older men in the temple with tattoos on their hands...usually do to being in the military.  If they're allowed in, why can't I?  There is no reason that I cannot be allowed my temple blessings. My body is a temple, mine just has some stained glass windows. :-)

Well, of course I'm getting some flack for all of this...even from family...but I have one family member in particular (who I rarely see and rarely talk to.) She likes to look at all my facebook stuff I post and then talk shit about me to other family members behind my back. They've even warned my mom that I'm not following the path that I should, that they're worried about me.

She decided to passively aggressively post an article on her facebook knowing good and well I'd read it. It was about Tattoos and Mormons...she put something along the lines of "Well said! Exactly what I think many people are forgetting anymore. We just have to follow the words of our prophets."

Words of our prophets indeed.  So, I was chatting with my sister about this and she told me to re-read this General Conference talk by President Uctdorf  The Merciful Obtain Mercy.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from the talk.

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

I love you all so much. I relish in your strength and individuality. You are all so beautiful inside and out!!

God loves you, and I love you!!

Happy Holidays!

<3

Jessie

Unashamed Desires

Okay, so I'm so sorry again to be offline for so long. I haven't been ignoring, I swear!  This has been a year a sickness man!  My son got really sick (never does!), then went into croup with my two-year-old that landed us in the ER it was so bad...and this bug that has been going around giving kids croup has been giving adults a 3 stage flu...apparently I'm in the 3rd stage...and it sucks! What's fun is watching people gawk at you while you're tossing your cookies outside of Walmart because you needed some more meds. GAH!

But I digress...A friend of mine and I have been sending youtubes back and forth of some good songs we thought the other might like.  I sent her today an old Missy Higgins song called "Steer".  Upon looking up that video, I discovered some videos that I have the album to, but haven't seen the video for.

I have heard this song "Unashamed Desires" dozens of times and the power of the song never hit me until I saw the video. If you've read my Bi and Gay Musicians post, you'll know that Missy is Bisexual.  Take a listen and watch the video. Both male and female dancers slowly and sensually strip her to almost nothing, while she repeats "I've got nothing to hide." in the middle she says "Oh, and I'm, not afraid to love, not afraid to love, unashamed desires" at the very end she sings "I don't want to waste my time holding down the truth, I've got everything to win, only pain to lose. This is my unashamed desire."

This is my hope and wish for us all. That it is like she sings UNASHAMED!!!  <3 Jessie

Thank You!

Hello all!!  Hope you're having a WONDERFUL Saturday!  It's partly cloudy and MUCH warmer than in recent days!  I'm not a big fan of snow!

I first want to thank you all for the well wishes and prayers about mine and my family's health!  It truly means a lot!  They think I have pinched nerve in my back...so more tests coming soon!  As for everyone else, we're just plugging along going through minor colds and what not!  I'm just hoping my back gets a little better...it HAS to!  My hubby's busiest months are November and December.  It makes for good Christmas' but at the same time, I'd rather have him home! :)

So, I looked at the stats, and with your help, I'm just shy by 30 views to make 5,000!!  It's insane!!  This blog started out as NOTHING...and now it's starting to progress into something that people read as soon as a new post comes up!  This to me is mind-blowing.

I also now have a back log on e-mails and posts!  This has never happened before!  I am so humbled by this!  I commend you for your opening yourselves up to me, for sharing your stories!  I'm starting to see how one individuals' life story can hit home to a person where another will not resonate.

I love that you let me share your stories or questions on here!  It really does make a difference!!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thank you SO much!!

<3

Jessie

Disney Princess Mulan is Bisexual!

Okay, so I was catching up on some DVR's of Once Upon A Time. I love the show and how they make EVERY fairytale character intertwine in this show. It's quite fascinating.

Well, I watched the episode that aired two Sundays ago and found saw Mulan say she was going to go profess her love to someone before it was too late. I assumed it would be Prince Phillip because she did like him in a previous season.

But no! She was about to profess her love to Aurora...aka Sleeping Beauty! But she stopped when Aurora (favorite Disney Princess) told Mulan she and Philip were expecting a child.

Might I say a BIG WIN for the LGBT community!

Yay!

<3

Jessie

It's A Beautiful Day In The Cold Cruel World

I can't find the song or the lyrics ANYWHERE! Gah!

Well, it's by The Warren Brothers...a country band out of the 90's...they had a couple big hits.

This song always got to me.

"While somebody's hurting, somebody's laughing, somebody's living and somebody's dying."

So true today.

I picked up my brother from the airport who had to fly in to see some people about a kidney transplant...he was told within the next 3 months! YAY!  Happy, happy!

While spending time with him, I get a text from my dear friend a few hours away saying her mother-in-law is clinging to life and to please pray she'll go quickly. They are keeping her comfy and that's it...she has maybe a day.  She has dementia among other problems.

So, while we're having a good time, receiving EXCELLENT news, somebody is losing someone important.

We had to deal with a great loss two years ago almost to the day. Myself and two other friends were preggers and all due near each other. We don't live close...one is back east, the other is about 4 hours away. One was due in June, with a boy, the other woman and I were having September babies, both girls!  We were all excited, texting each other our joys and our pains, our cravings and our weird dreams.  It was truly beautiful.

I got a call at 6 a.m. from a friend that lives close to the 4 hour away friend...the baby was still breached, and his shoulders got stuck.  She was having a home birth and they lived about 45 minutes from the hospital.  He didn't make it.  I remember sobbing, big and round while my husband cradled me. When I composed myself, I called my friend back east and we talked and cried together.  We both felt guilty that here we sit, happy and baby kicking, and she had lost her little love.

Our little girls were born happy and healthy despite mine having a few days in the NICU which scared me near death.

So, as I sit tonight pondering life and death...the world moves on, it doesn't stop...somebody's living and somebody's dying.

<3

Jessie