Thursday, April 19, 2018

I Am Still Here

Hi guys.

Life is different, life got rough. I am now divorced but there is so much more to it than me being gay.

Life is hard, financially it really sucks, but it's all just temporary.

I have unofficially left the church, but I promised ex I would take the kids when they are with me.

Please know, I love the church with all my heart. I believe in the book of mormon...But until youth stop killing themselves in Utah because they can't breathe anymore... I just can't.

I am dating. I've gone through a string of weird, but think I found this amazing happened by sheer coincidence. I was looking for kids for my kids to play with. She responded. Turns out shes sh gre and gay woth twins my daughters age.

Anyhoo, I want to let you know I still try and respond to emails. I am here. I am trying to still listen and respond but I am also working two jobs in a new city...all I can say is thank goodness for weed...(I've been medical for awhile now.)

Love you all. Thanks for listening and unde.

Until next time!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

It's About To Get More Confining

So, we as a family have felt we need to move back to where what we consider home. I'm not originally from there, but hubby was born and raised there. Things have been very hard here and it would be nice to be closer to family. As many surgeries and ER visits we've had between the 4 of us, it's insane. Hubby and I both work, so it will be nice to not have to pay a babysitter, even cheap ones are expensive!

My best friend is there too, so it's just lining up to be amazing. So, why am I so melancholy the last few days? I thought it might be that I am missing my family...they've all gone back, and I'm here still working and packing. But, it's something more.

It dawned on me as I was heading home from friends house for dinner tonight. My closet is about to get tiny again. And I'm not sure I can handle it this time. Nor, should I even have to think about it. But it is big on my mind.

The city I'm moving back to is much smaller, and is still very much a Republican or "a red state" the last few elections, they've gone blue, but not but much. And I grew up Republican, no big deal. I still hold many views of the Republican party...but about 2005 is when I switched. I got tired of all the shit they spew, hating people different from them, whether a different skin color or sexual orientation. I know so many people there, especially LDS people. It's going to be hard to be myself.

The city we are moving from is very small, very much the modest community. But, I work in a big, bustling city of over 2 million people about 20 miles away. And, people don't care, they'll hug you, love you for you. It's been the first time in a long time that I've been fully free. I could be myself, and it was okay to be. People would look at me and wouldn't get weird or awkward. I was embraced. It is a beautiful feeling.

And now, here I sit freaking out about my closet. I've kept it ajar for so many years, even up here in certain circles (usually church) and it's been nice to keep it ajar and still be able to disappear when I needed a quick exit. But the thought of even retreating back further than I've ever stepped out, it hurts. I don't like the chains that bind, but at the same time, they offer safety.

I feel like I just want to say "fuck it" And goes balls to the wall, but I just don't think I could.

Welcome to the life of a complicated woman!



Saturday, November 26, 2016

An Open Letter to President-elect Donald Trump and Vice President Pence

Dear President Elect Trump and Vice President Pence;

I am a Christian, conservative, married parent. I believe very much in my 2nd amendment rights. I believe that government is too big. I believe that a strong economy is what will help this nation survive. I believe that if we serve others, no matter their lot in life, it makes the world a better place.

Boy, I sound like your average Republican voter, right?

Well, I'm not. I am a minority in many ways. I am a woman, I am half Native American, and last but not least, I am part of the LGBT community. In these three areas, I find your view points to be completely off base, and down right sickening.

To say the horrible things about women, to "grab them by the pussy." And other vulgar things. As a father of a daughter, how can you say those things and still look her in the eye? As a father of sons, how can you condone this behavior as okay? Or dismiss it as harmless "locker room talk." This is not appropriate to say. It is demeaning. To give women scores of "1-10" by looks? Don't you realize most of us already think of ourselves as 1's on the scale? You're not helping ourself esteem. Our leaders should be lifting us up. Everyone. Our rights as women are very important. Please, keep our rights as women intact.

I look more white than not, but some can see my heritage in me. I do not experience racism like most do, but I have seen it, felt it, been involved in it (whether against me or friends/family). I have had friends make horrid comments without knowing who I am, and then fiercely apologize once they know who I am. I love the Mexican people. I speak Spanish and we have even had an exchange student from Mexico in our home. Her family is amazing and awesome. Her father is a good man and is a hard worker.  They have a good life in Mexico, but they are a rarity. Most good, hard working people are barely making ends meet. Even a job we as Americans deem as gross, or below us, they gladly accept them, because that shitty job in the US is better than a good job in Mexico. I have a great love for the Mexican people.

The only wall that should be in Mexico is those of a freshly fried tortilla, holding up those delicious taco fixings.

And finally, I direct this one more towards Vice President Pence: to condone electric the shock therapy to "cure the gay" is not okay. It is sickening. Yes, I am married to a man. Yes, I like women too. It is not the end of the world. We're not here to make everyone gay. I am raising two healthy and happy kids and from seeing how they are already, will be very straight. But, they also know, that if they aren't straight, we don't care. We are going to love them no matter what. Because there is nothing wrong with them. This is not a sickness. Think about it...with all the hate that still happens to the LGBT community, do you REALLY think it is a choice or that our brains are imbalanced? You think we choose to be discriminated against?! It's not okay. I promise, if we get married, will keep the divorce rate lower than hetero marriages. I am terrified especially for my transgender friends. If you only knew who they really are, you'd cry and hug everyone of them and say "I love you." Everyone should have a transgender friend!

I am pleading with you both, you have the nation in our hands...please, please, PLEASE look out for the minority, for the little guy. Please curb your hate rhetoric, please say something to stop those that are celebrating being able to be more racists, more homophobic, more sexism. You both have the power to use this position of authority to make the world a better place.

Please, hear the words of the minority. We maybe a small group....but when many small groups get together in the name of justice and right, we can and will be a formidable foe.

I truly hope you make America greater than it already is. I hope that you will earn the respect this office has held since the beginning. A lot is resting on your shoulders. I hope and pray you have the strength and heart for this office.

May you also be able to mend all this turnoil the election has caused. I have witnessed rioting in my city. I am sad. I am with the protests in spirit, I understand their frustrations...but I sure as hell don't condone the damage they're causing.

A part of me is still hopeful that you will turn into an amazing president and Vice president...but most of me is thinking these pleas will fall on deaf ears.

I pray that you prove me, and so many others like me wrong.


A broken-hearted Bisexual, Native American, Mom who will continue to raise her amazing kids in a hate-free environment.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Trump is President-Elect

So, I thought I'd share my feelings on the election that just happened yesterday.
Donald Trump, a horrible man, beat out another not so good candidate. I wasn't a fan of Clinton, but I am terrified of Trump.
He is anti-LGBT (Vice President elect Pence is a fan of conversion therapy.), he is racist and sexist. I fear women in this nation will look up to him as an ideal man...and it's scary. My neices were crying last night as he won. The hate that I see spewing from people's mouths today is so sad.

Today, on a street corner, I saw a man, beaming, with a Trump hat, waving a white flag with the words "Ex-Gay" on an apron he had on. I just wanted to cry.

My heart hurts, but I am hoping that in time, Trump will show us he isn't that bad after all. My expectations are pretty low for, hopefully he'll pleasantly surprise us.

My LGBT brothers and sisters. I love you, you are loved more than you know!! Keep being strong!

May our hearts and our nation be healed soon.



Tuesday, July 19, 2016

You're Amazing

Good morning world! How are y'y'all this morning?

I'm tired, but good! Getting ready for work!

I just want to say how awesome you are. How loved you are. You are amazing!

How cool, that we, as LGBT, we're by heavenly design, built this way!

It's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in this world right now. But I promise, you're so special. And if no one you know can see that, find those that do...because we're out here and ready to love and support you for you!

Have a beautiful day in this crazy world!

Love you!


Sunday, July 17, 2016

We CAN Change This World, We NEED To Change This World

Well, it seems since my last post, my voice has reached more people than I ever imagined. My post on suicide became my #2 most read post EVER in 24 hours...and still climbing.

Which means, I feel an even bigger duty to post more than I have in the past couple years.

My heart hurts, really since Orlando. We as a Nation, and we as the WORLD have been hit so hard by so much violence. Cops are dying for other cops mistakes, people are dying because of their skin, because of the sexual orientation, people are dying for shopping at a mall, a truck through a crowd out for celebrations, a military coup. The list goes on...I mean, aren't you tired? I know I am, I'm . I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hearing this, I'm tired of what kind of world I have brought my children into, I'm scared to be pulled over by police, even though I look white (I am almost half native), I worry about my kids being kidnapped, youth (not just LGBT) losing their lives to suicide. I worry who the next president will be, because either one I'm scared to let them have nuclear launch codes...because that is the shit that happens today.

I had a lot of friends on Facebook say they were taking a break, I was thinking the same thing. I'm tired of the arguing about trivial things when you think about it...who is right, who is wrong. While we are doing this, arguing with each other, lives are lost. Lives are lost over all the things I listed above and more.

I do believe with all my heart, that if we stopped this, the pettiness of skin, or sex, or uniform, or religion and looked at ones goodness, their love for others. One act from a bad person claiming they are part of one group...they do not represent us all...and I think in the middle of all the fighting over who's life matters. Yes, black lives matter, yes blue lives matter, LGBT lives matter...WE ALL MATTER.

Is there a racial divide in this country? Yes, I have seen it and experienced it through friends...I have seen cops say to my friend, that her black son's murder doesn't matter because he was a thug...when he was the last thing from it. I have seen people grow up thinking all cops are bad because of one bad cop...I've seen people shout slurs of religious hate to me and to others...I have seen gay slurs tossed around like being gay was a bad thing.

We have the chance to change this nation for the good. We have a chance to change this world. We have the chance to teach our children to be better than us.

Get up, get out and love everyone. It sounds so easy, but some days it is really hard. I have a very quick temper...and if someone I don't know (sometimes those I DO know) will get a long string of explicits thrown at them. I need to be better...WE need to be better.

I'm not saying don't march, don't protest...sometimes we need that in our society for a little shake up. But do it peacefully, do it lovingly...and if you see someone having a hard day, give them a hug!

Love you all so much!


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Suicide-You Are Not Alone

Tonight, I am in tears. Tonight I am heartbroken.
Two mom's in two days have to now bury their gay sons. Sadly, the list their lives to suicide. Eventhough they were extremely loved, they didn't feel it...they felt what they had wasn't enough.
People don't think about suicide very much if it doesn't directly affect is a statistic.
These are real people, they are not a statistic...and sadly being LGBT, you are at a higher risk for suicide.
I've been at the bottom, that feeling of "it would be better to just end it all." I got through it with my friends, family and music.
I have attached a photo of suicide hotlines in the US...I'm sorry I don't have all over the world's numbers...I don't even know how I'd post them. But please, feel free to post the numbers in your country!
Email me day or night, I don't care! If you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN!
And please, if you know someone that is LGBT...go and check on them! Make sure they're okay!! Give them that extra, "I love you and have your back."
Please. Let's make this a reality...let's make sure someone's babies will be here tomorrow.

Love, with all my heart!