Tuesday, July 19, 2016

You're Amazing

Good morning world! How are y'y'all this morning?

I'm tired, but good! Getting ready for work!

I just want to say how awesome you are. How loved you are. You are amazing!

How cool, that we, as LGBT, we're by heavenly design, built this way!

It's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in this world right now. But I promise, you're so special. And if no one you know can see that, find those that do...because we're out here and ready to love and support you for you!

Have a beautiful day in this crazy world!

Love you!


Sunday, July 17, 2016

We CAN Change This World, We NEED To Change This World

Well, it seems since my last post, my voice has reached more people than I ever imagined. My post on suicide became my #2 most read post EVER in 24 hours...and still climbing.

Which means, I feel an even bigger duty to post more than I have in the past couple years.

My heart hurts, really since Orlando. We as a Nation, and we as the WORLD have been hit so hard by so much violence. Cops are dying for other cops mistakes, people are dying because of their skin, because of the sexual orientation, people are dying for shopping at a mall, a truck through a crowd out for celebrations, a military coup. The list goes on...I mean, aren't you tired? I know I am, I'm . I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hearing this, I'm tired of what kind of world I have brought my children into, I'm scared to be pulled over by police, even though I look white (I am almost half native), I worry about my kids being kidnapped, youth (not just LGBT) losing their lives to suicide. I worry who the next president will be, because either one I'm scared to let them have nuclear launch codes...because that is the shit that happens today.

I had a lot of friends on Facebook say they were taking a break, I was thinking the same thing. I'm tired of the arguing about trivial things when you think about it...who is right, who is wrong. While we are doing this, arguing with each other, lives are lost. Lives are lost over all the things I listed above and more.

I do believe with all my heart, that if we stopped this, the pettiness of skin, or sex, or uniform, or religion and looked at ones goodness, their love for others. One act from a bad person claiming they are part of one group...they do not represent us all...and I think in the middle of all the fighting over who's life matters. Yes, black lives matter, yes blue lives matter, LGBT lives matter...WE ALL MATTER.

Is there a racial divide in this country? Yes, I have seen it and experienced it through friends...I have seen cops say to my friend, that her black son's murder doesn't matter because he was a thug...when he was the last thing from it. I have seen people grow up thinking all cops are bad because of one bad cop...I've seen people shout slurs of religious hate to me and to others...I have seen gay slurs tossed around like being gay was a bad thing.

We have the chance to change this nation for the good. We have a chance to change this world. We have the chance to teach our children to be better than us.

Get up, get out and love everyone. It sounds so easy, but some days it is really hard. I have a very quick temper...and if someone I don't know (sometimes those I DO know) will get a long string of explicits thrown at them. I need to be better...WE need to be better.

I'm not saying don't march, don't protest...sometimes we need that in our society for a little shake up. But do it peacefully, do it lovingly...and if you see someone having a hard day, give them a hug!

Love you all so much!


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Suicide-You Are Not Alone

Tonight, I am in tears. Tonight I am heartbroken.
Two mom's in two days have to now bury their gay sons. Sadly, the list their lives to suicide. Eventhough they were extremely loved, they didn't feel it...they felt what they had wasn't enough.
People don't think about suicide very much if it doesn't directly affect them...it is a statistic.
These are real people, they are not a statistic...and sadly being LGBT, you are at a higher risk for suicide.
I've been at the bottom, that feeling of "it would be better to just end it all." I got through it with my friends, family and music.
I have attached a photo of suicide hotlines in the US...I'm sorry I don't have all over the world's numbers...I don't even know how I'd post them. But please, feel free to post the numbers in your country!
Email me day or night, I don't care! If you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN!
And please, if you know someone that is LGBT...go and check on them! Make sure they're okay!! Give them that extra, "I love you and have your back."
Please. Let's make this a reality...let's make sure someone's babies will be here tomorrow.

Love, with all my heart!


Monday, June 27, 2016

I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,



Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Never Talk To A Lesbian When You're Confused As Hell

Okay, so this is going to be lengthy, but there is a lot to cover.

So, a year ago, I had an unexpected thing happen. A confession if you will. There is a girl, who is bisexual and a dear friend that I have a crush on. She lives in another state. A little over a year ago, I happened to be nearby and we met up to visit. It was there, that I suddenly blurted out that I had feelings for her. I instantly regretted my decision. I'm married, she's married, I didn't want to lose my friend...see all the above. She reassured me there it was okay, but even for days after seeing her, I worried and fretted. She at one point told me, "Do you regret saying it?! Don't you DARE! I see how you and your hubby are so in love, and for you to want to share a piece of your heart with me, I am deeply honored." And well, we left it at that. She is the first girl I've said something like that to. I've had feelings for other women, but not something I've ever told them.

Fast forward to two months ago, and I'm back in her area. Things have been very rocky in her life, and I am totally worried about her. I wanted to see how she was physically doing. Our visit was short but good. We touched briefly on last year's unexpected confessions, and she again said she was honored. Which, isn't a rejection, but also, not a 'yes, I like you like that too.'

So, this week, something happened in her life. I found myself happy for her, and then the situation changed again...and I was devastated for her. I don't understand, and I really hope I don't ever have to understand.

Being a song writer, I turned to pen and paper. When I have a song inside me, I can't function right until the song is out on a page. When it isn't like this, it takes me FOREVER to write a song...but when it's like this, it takes me mere minutes. I'm writing and rhyming so fast that I don't have to time fully grasp what I am writing. So, I wrote, I wrote fast and beautifully. When I went to edit it, I was taken aback...the song that started off as a friend talking to a friend turned into a plea of love. To run away from it...to run to me.

Needless to say, I FREAKED OUT!!! I texted two friends, one is straight, one is a lesbian, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Straight friend is like, "Oh no, I think it just sounds super supportive." While my lesbian friend is all, "Damn, you got it bad."

So, me and lesbian friend dissected everything...and she came to the conclusion that I'm on the line, and it's just getting thinner. And then she told me how awesome sex with a woman is...that I'll never want to go back if I experience it right. My response? "I should hope for a bad experience then."

Which, is not my normal response. I talked with straight friend over conclusions. She said I need a third opinion. lol

Man, this has been a hard couple of days. It's hard to keep up sometimes.  You have people telling you, "You have one life, live it to the fullest." and then you have your religious upbringing (which I still follow) beating you on the head saying, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And that's the million dollar question...What the hell is wrong with me? We are told as LDS that it is okay to be gay, but not act upon it. But then, you're taught you're created after God's own likeness. And if you are, and it is okay to be gay, how can God be so cruel as to say you can't love who you want, rather it be a boy or girl?

So, my advice on this? You'll get the answer you want depending on who you ask...and sometimes it will make you even more confused than you already are.

Love you all and am still confused as hell,


Monday, June 20, 2016


First and foremost, the post today will not be about gun control or political in ANY way. If I get comments about anything negative, I WILL delete.
So, unless you have been living under a rock for a week like I have, you've already heard about the shooting at an LGBT night club in Orlando, Florida. I was in Alaska on vacation and didn't have much service, so only got the basics.
I was so sad when it happened. I am always sad when something like this occurs. This one hit close to home. A place that is one of the few safe havens LGBT people have. A place where they can have fun, be themselves, and enjoy some music with no judgments.
So, to have that feel of safety taken away from you, it's hard to deal with. I've even found myself checking on all the exits whenever we're at a movie theater to see how to best evacuate my friends and family if needed.
It is called terror for a reason.
Now, something more positive. While I was in Alaska, all the flags were at half mast, meaning the country is in mourning. Alaska is over 4,000 miles away from Orlando, and yet, here, in a very small city, there were people thinking of the victims of Orlando.
Everytime I saw a flag being flown at half mast, I stopped, said a little prayer and kept moving. My son had a lot of questions and ended our talk with, "That really sucks. No one should be killed just because they want to dance." I agree full heartedly buddy!
But even in the far reaches of our country, people were hurting. They mourned with you. I mourned with you. It was a beautiful, sad, and powerful.
The stories of kindness that are coming out of Orlando are just amazing to hear about!
It makes me feel pride in America...no matter the race, color, orientation, etc...when the chips are down, we do reach out and help are fellow man. While we still have a ways to go in the kindness department in general, this little spark of love is going to be pretty hard to deminish.
Love you all so!

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Open Letter To Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Elder Bednar,
First let me start off by saying, I have always loved you. I was at BYU-Idaho during your presidency there. I've met you and your wife on several occasions and another college friend of mine upon meeting you together said "He will make a great apostle one day." And when you received your calling as an Apostle of the Lord, we called each other up both excited  to have you as an apostle.
That being said, your comments that were made in Chile were heard around the world, it caused so much pain in my heart and in many others. To say gay people do not exist, that there are no gay people in the church.
I'm here to say that you are wrong. We do exist.
I am a bisexual LDS member. I hold a temple recommend, I am sealed to my wonderful spouse and we have two amazing kids that we are raising in the church.
I have a strong testimony of this church, I believe it to be true and that God loves us all, no matter what. But when we hear our leaders from apostles down to the ward level say hurtful things over the pulpit, it makes us want to run and hide or hurt ourselves because we feel so unloved. We feel like there is something wrong with us.
I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed on Sundays after a talk or lesson on homosexuality. People, completely oblivious to another's "secret" saying horrible remarks in Sunday School or in the hallways.
To this day, I am still not completely open to all my family and friends. But those that do know, have supported and loved me unconditionally. They love me for me.
I have had Bishops that, upon telling them don't give it a second thought because they know I am worthy to hold a temple recommend, while I've had others grill me about it when that wasn't even why I was there to talk with them.
We are taught to love all, respect all, no matter what race, religion, sex, etc because we are all God's children. But when we hear our apostles saying "gays don't exist" and other disheartening remarks, it sends a mixed message to the members. While some members have been very accepting and loving of LGBT members, I have seen families forced to move into different wards because of all of the hate and shunning that they were receiving because their kid happened to be gay.
This situation is very serious. We are losing so many LDS youth, from either leaving the church completely or taking their lives because they can't take anymore hatred towards them. We are losing our children.
Please, help change this around. Please, tell us we are a people loved by God and therefore should be treated with love too. This needs to be heard over every pulpit across the world. We are children of God too. We need just as much love and support as any other member.
But please, don't say we don't exisit. Because we do. We are very real and we will not be silenced into the corner any longer.
We are tired of the tears, of the fights. We need love and support.
A very real and very concerned LGBT LDS woman