Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!
I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.
In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.
Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue. It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with. These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all. I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.
I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.
It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.
The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.
Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.
Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.
And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.
Until next time,
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
So, a year ago, I had an unexpected thing happen. A confession if you will. There is a girl, who is bisexual and a dear friend that I have a crush on. She lives in another state. A little over a year ago, I happened to be nearby and we met up to visit. It was there, that I suddenly blurted out that I had feelings for her. I instantly regretted my decision. I'm married, she's married, I didn't want to lose my friend...see all the above. She reassured me there it was okay, but even for days after seeing her, I worried and fretted. She at one point told me, "Do you regret saying it?! Don't you DARE! I see how you and your hubby are so in love, and for you to want to share a piece of your heart with me, I am deeply honored." And well, we left it at that. She is the first girl I've said something like that to. I've had feelings for other women, but not something I've ever told them.
Fast forward to two months ago, and I'm back in her area. Things have been very rocky in her life, and I am totally worried about her. I wanted to see how she was physically doing. Our visit was short but good. We touched briefly on last year's unexpected confessions, and she again said she was honored. Which, isn't a rejection, but also, not a 'yes, I like you like that too.'
So, this week, something happened in her life. I found myself happy for her, and then the situation changed again...and I was devastated for her. I don't understand, and I really hope I don't ever have to understand.
Being a song writer, I turned to pen and paper. When I have a song inside me, I can't function right until the song is out on a page. When it isn't like this, it takes me FOREVER to write a song...but when it's like this, it takes me mere minutes. I'm writing and rhyming so fast that I don't have to time fully grasp what I am writing. So, I wrote, I wrote fast and beautifully. When I went to edit it, I was taken aback...the song that started off as a friend talking to a friend turned into a plea of love. To run away from it...to run to me.
Needless to say, I FREAKED OUT!!! I texted two friends, one is straight, one is a lesbian, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Straight friend is like, "Oh no, I think it just sounds super supportive." While my lesbian friend is all, "Damn, you got it bad."
So, me and lesbian friend dissected everything...and she came to the conclusion that I'm on the line, and it's just getting thinner. And then she told me how awesome sex with a woman is...that I'll never want to go back if I experience it right. My response? "I should hope for a bad experience then."
Which, is not my normal response. I talked with straight friend over conclusions. She said I need a third opinion. lol
Man, this has been a hard couple of days. It's hard to keep up sometimes. You have people telling you, "You have one life, live it to the fullest." and then you have your religious upbringing (which I still follow) beating you on the head saying, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
And that's the million dollar question...What the hell is wrong with me? We are told as LDS that it is okay to be gay, but not act upon it. But then, you're taught you're created after God's own likeness. And if you are, and it is okay to be gay, how can God be so cruel as to say you can't love who you want, rather it be a boy or girl?
So, my advice on this? You'll get the answer you want depending on who you ask...and sometimes it will make you even more confused than you already are.
Love you all and am still confused as hell,
Monday, June 20, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Hey my loves! It's been awhile, life just won't stop! Hubby is still out of state working and our house hasn't sold yet. Please throw some prayers our way!
First of all, YAAAAAAAAAAY on the Supreme Court decision! Of course I am happy about it. I was discussing it with my brother and he's all "No, it tramples on state's rights." Don't get me wrong, I am a big supporter of states rights...but this ruling has made it so the LGBT community can get married legally to a same sex partner without any penalties. I think it's beautiful. LGBT are no longer second class citizens.
I don't necessarily support gay marriage...I support happy marriage. Everyone has the right to be happy!
Now, the as to the now infamous "letter" from the church stating that the church disagrees with the ruling but we still welcome all to come to Christ. We should love one another and not support gay marriage.
Have faith, dear friends...everytime there has been a major ruling that has gone against church practices has eventually been changed through modern day revelation. When marriage was defined by the Supreme Court in the late 1800's to be "One man and one woman." The church came out with a response saying it's not the Lord's will, as they were practicing polygamy. Then those of African American decent, they had nearly 2 decades after the civil rights movement before they were allowed to have the Priesthood. Until the 80's, they asked to not mix races of the decent of Cain or Lamenites. I am nearly half Native American. If my family had listened to those words, I wouldn't be here today. The church today, defines marriage as one man and one woman, ANY worthy man can hold the Priesthood.
So, take heart, we are at the beginning stages of this change in our church. We are FINALLY starting to see more people being put into leadership roles that are more loving and accepting of the LDS LGBT population. The Lord is hearing our prayers to find love and understanding in his church.
Be strong, be faithful, and know that God loves YOU for YOU!!
And I love you too!
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
So, yet another crazy time in our lives!
My husband has been promoted and we are moving out of state! Ack!
He is already up there and has been for nearly two weeks. I am left with two kids, work and packing.
I am truly grateful for amazing friends and family!
The Lord has been blessing us so much!
And to you single parents out there, I bow to you...it is HARD!!
I will continue trying to keep up with any emails. But if there is a delay, this is why!!
All my love,