Saturday, November 26, 2016

An Open Letter to President-elect Donald Trump and Vice President Pence

Dear President Elect Trump and Vice President Pence;

I am a Christian, conservative, married parent. I believe very much in my 2nd amendment rights. I believe that government is too big. I believe that a strong economy is what will help this nation survive. I believe that if we serve others, no matter their lot in life, it makes the world a better place.

Boy, I sound like your average Republican voter, right?

Well, I'm not. I am a minority in many ways. I am a woman, I am half Native American, and last but not least, I am part of the LGBT community. In these three areas, I find your view points to be completely off base, and down right sickening.

To say the horrible things about women, to "grab them by the pussy." And other vulgar things. As a father of a daughter, how can you say those things and still look her in the eye? As a father of sons, how can you condone this behavior as okay? Or dismiss it as harmless "locker room talk." This is not appropriate to say. It is demeaning. To give women scores of "1-10" by looks? Don't you realize most of us already think of ourselves as 1's on the scale? You're not helping ourself esteem. Our leaders should be lifting us up. Everyone. Our rights as women are very important. Please, keep our rights as women intact.

I look more white than not, but some can see my heritage in me. I do not experience racism like most do, but I have seen it, felt it, been involved in it (whether against me or friends/family). I have had friends make horrid comments without knowing who I am, and then fiercely apologize once they know who I am. I love the Mexican people. I speak Spanish and we have even had an exchange student from Mexico in our home. Her family is amazing and awesome. Her father is a good man and is a hard worker.  They have a good life in Mexico, but they are a rarity. Most good, hard working people are barely making ends meet. Even a job we as Americans deem as gross, or below us, they gladly accept them, because that shitty job in the US is better than a good job in Mexico. I have a great love for the Mexican people.

The only wall that should be in Mexico is those of a freshly fried tortilla, holding up those delicious taco fixings.

And finally, I direct this one more towards Vice President Pence: to condone electric the shock therapy to "cure the gay" is not okay. It is sickening. Yes, I am married to a man. Yes, I like women too. It is not the end of the world. We're not here to make everyone gay. I am raising two healthy and happy kids and from seeing how they are already, will be very straight. But, they also know, that if they aren't straight, we don't care. We are going to love them no matter what. Because there is nothing wrong with them. This is not a sickness. Think about it...with all the hate that still happens to the LGBT community, do you REALLY think it is a choice or that our brains are imbalanced? You think we choose to be discriminated against?! It's not okay. I promise, if we get married, will keep the divorce rate lower than hetero marriages. I am terrified especially for my transgender friends. If you only knew who they really are, you'd cry and hug everyone of them and say "I love you." Everyone should have a transgender friend!

I am pleading with you both, you have the nation in our hands...please, please, PLEASE look out for the minority, for the little guy. Please curb your hate rhetoric, please say something to stop those that are celebrating being able to be more racists, more homophobic, more sexism. You both have the power to use this position of authority to make the world a better place.

Please, hear the words of the minority. We maybe a small group....but when many small groups get together in the name of justice and right, we can and will be a formidable foe.

I truly hope you make America greater than it already is. I hope that you will earn the respect this office has held since the beginning. A lot is resting on your shoulders. I hope and pray you have the strength and heart for this office.

May you also be able to mend all this turnoil the election has caused. I have witnessed rioting in my city. I am sad. I am with the protests in spirit, I understand their frustrations...but I sure as hell don't condone the damage they're causing.

A part of me is still hopeful that you will turn into an amazing president and Vice president...but most of me is thinking these pleas will fall on deaf ears.

I pray that you prove me, and so many others like me wrong.


A broken-hearted Bisexual, Native American, Mom who will continue to raise her amazing kids in a hate-free environment.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Trump is President-Elect

So, I thought I'd share my feelings on the election that just happened yesterday.
Donald Trump, a horrible man, beat out another not so good candidate. I wasn't a fan of Clinton, but I am terrified of Trump.
He is anti-LGBT (Vice President elect Pence is a fan of conversion therapy.), he is racist and sexist. I fear women in this nation will look up to him as an ideal man...and it's scary. My neices were crying last night as he won. The hate that I see spewing from people's mouths today is so sad.

Today, on a street corner, I saw a man, beaming, with a Trump hat, waving a white flag with the words "Ex-Gay" on an apron he had on. I just wanted to cry.

My heart hurts, but I am hoping that in time, Trump will show us he isn't that bad after all. My expectations are pretty low for, hopefully he'll pleasantly surprise us.

My LGBT brothers and sisters. I love you, you are loved more than you know!! Keep being strong!

May our hearts and our nation be healed soon.



Tuesday, July 19, 2016

You're Amazing

Good morning world! How are y'y'all this morning?

I'm tired, but good! Getting ready for work!

I just want to say how awesome you are. How loved you are. You are amazing!

How cool, that we, as LGBT, we're by heavenly design, built this way!

It's hard to feel that way sometimes, especially in this world right now. But I promise, you're so special. And if no one you know can see that, find those that do...because we're out here and ready to love and support you for you!

Have a beautiful day in this crazy world!

Love you!


Sunday, July 17, 2016

We CAN Change This World, We NEED To Change This World

Well, it seems since my last post, my voice has reached more people than I ever imagined. My post on suicide became my #2 most read post EVER in 24 hours...and still climbing.

Which means, I feel an even bigger duty to post more than I have in the past couple years.

My heart hurts, really since Orlando. We as a Nation, and we as the WORLD have been hit so hard by so much violence. Cops are dying for other cops mistakes, people are dying because of their skin, because of the sexual orientation, people are dying for shopping at a mall, a truck through a crowd out for celebrations, a military coup. The list goes on...I mean, aren't you tired? I know I am, I'm . I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hearing this, I'm tired of what kind of world I have brought my children into, I'm scared to be pulled over by police, even though I look white (I am almost half native), I worry about my kids being kidnapped, youth (not just LGBT) losing their lives to suicide. I worry who the next president will be, because either one I'm scared to let them have nuclear launch codes...because that is the shit that happens today.

I had a lot of friends on Facebook say they were taking a break, I was thinking the same thing. I'm tired of the arguing about trivial things when you think about it...who is right, who is wrong. While we are doing this, arguing with each other, lives are lost. Lives are lost over all the things I listed above and more.

I do believe with all my heart, that if we stopped this, the pettiness of skin, or sex, or uniform, or religion and looked at ones goodness, their love for others. One act from a bad person claiming they are part of one group...they do not represent us all...and I think in the middle of all the fighting over who's life matters. Yes, black lives matter, yes blue lives matter, LGBT lives matter...WE ALL MATTER.

Is there a racial divide in this country? Yes, I have seen it and experienced it through friends...I have seen cops say to my friend, that her black son's murder doesn't matter because he was a thug...when he was the last thing from it. I have seen people grow up thinking all cops are bad because of one bad cop...I've seen people shout slurs of religious hate to me and to others...I have seen gay slurs tossed around like being gay was a bad thing.

We have the chance to change this nation for the good. We have a chance to change this world. We have the chance to teach our children to be better than us.

Get up, get out and love everyone. It sounds so easy, but some days it is really hard. I have a very quick temper...and if someone I don't know (sometimes those I DO know) will get a long string of explicits thrown at them. I need to be better...WE need to be better.

I'm not saying don't march, don't protest...sometimes we need that in our society for a little shake up. But do it peacefully, do it lovingly...and if you see someone having a hard day, give them a hug!

Love you all so much!


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Suicide-You Are Not Alone

Tonight, I am in tears. Tonight I am heartbroken.
Two mom's in two days have to now bury their gay sons. Sadly, the list their lives to suicide. Eventhough they were extremely loved, they didn't feel it...they felt what they had wasn't enough.
People don't think about suicide very much if it doesn't directly affect is a statistic.
These are real people, they are not a statistic...and sadly being LGBT, you are at a higher risk for suicide.
I've been at the bottom, that feeling of "it would be better to just end it all." I got through it with my friends, family and music.
I have attached a photo of suicide hotlines in the US...I'm sorry I don't have all over the world's numbers...I don't even know how I'd post them. But please, feel free to post the numbers in your country!
Email me day or night, I don't care! If you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN!
And please, if you know someone that is LGBT...go and check on them! Make sure they're okay!! Give them that extra, "I love you and have your back."
Please. Let's make this a reality...let's make sure someone's babies will be here tomorrow.

Love, with all my heart!


Monday, June 27, 2016

I'm Okay, Really!

Hello my loves!!  I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.

Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!

I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.

In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.

Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue.  It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with.  These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all.  I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.

I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.

It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.

The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.

Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.

Until next time,



Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Never Talk To A Lesbian When You're Confused As Hell

Okay, so this is going to be lengthy, but there is a lot to cover.

So, a year ago, I had an unexpected thing happen. A confession if you will. There is a girl, who is bisexual and a dear friend that I have a crush on. She lives in another state. A little over a year ago, I happened to be nearby and we met up to visit. It was there, that I suddenly blurted out that I had feelings for her. I instantly regretted my decision. I'm married, she's married, I didn't want to lose my friend...see all the above. She reassured me there it was okay, but even for days after seeing her, I worried and fretted. She at one point told me, "Do you regret saying it?! Don't you DARE! I see how you and your hubby are so in love, and for you to want to share a piece of your heart with me, I am deeply honored." And well, we left it at that. She is the first girl I've said something like that to. I've had feelings for other women, but not something I've ever told them.

Fast forward to two months ago, and I'm back in her area. Things have been very rocky in her life, and I am totally worried about her. I wanted to see how she was physically doing. Our visit was short but good. We touched briefly on last year's unexpected confessions, and she again said she was honored. Which, isn't a rejection, but also, not a 'yes, I like you like that too.'

So, this week, something happened in her life. I found myself happy for her, and then the situation changed again...and I was devastated for her. I don't understand, and I really hope I don't ever have to understand.

Being a song writer, I turned to pen and paper. When I have a song inside me, I can't function right until the song is out on a page. When it isn't like this, it takes me FOREVER to write a song...but when it's like this, it takes me mere minutes. I'm writing and rhyming so fast that I don't have to time fully grasp what I am writing. So, I wrote, I wrote fast and beautifully. When I went to edit it, I was taken aback...the song that started off as a friend talking to a friend turned into a plea of love. To run away from run to me.

Needless to say, I FREAKED OUT!!! I texted two friends, one is straight, one is a lesbian, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Straight friend is like, "Oh no, I think it just sounds super supportive." While my lesbian friend is all, "Damn, you got it bad."

So, me and lesbian friend dissected everything...and she came to the conclusion that I'm on the line, and it's just getting thinner. And then she told me how awesome sex with a woman is...that I'll never want to go back if I experience it right. My response? "I should hope for a bad experience then."

Which, is not my normal response. I talked with straight friend over conclusions. She said I need a third opinion. lol

Man, this has been a hard couple of days. It's hard to keep up sometimes.  You have people telling you, "You have one life, live it to the fullest." and then you have your religious upbringing (which I still follow) beating you on the head saying, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And that's the million dollar question...What the hell is wrong with me? We are told as LDS that it is okay to be gay, but not act upon it. But then, you're taught you're created after God's own likeness. And if you are, and it is okay to be gay, how can God be so cruel as to say you can't love who you want, rather it be a boy or girl?

So, my advice on this? You'll get the answer you want depending on who you ask...and sometimes it will make you even more confused than you already are.

Love you all and am still confused as hell,