Familiar Taste Of Poison

Hello again!

After my last post, I still was very conflicted.  I was angry, scared, and agitated; not my favorite combination. I once again turned to music, shocking, I know. When I am this upset, I usually listen to heavier stuff (I'm more of a light to moderate rock chick). So, I turned on Halestorm, a great newer group that I love.  They have some powerful as well as dirty lyrics.  They are not for kids!  I have always LOVED this song, is very haunting, and the video is just cool...and you can see why I have a crush on the lead singer!  But after my friend soberly professing her love for me, this song took on a whole new meaning.  Enjoy, please read the lyrics at least!

Drink the wine, my darling, you said

Take your time, consume all of it

But the roses were only to drain my inspiration

The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and...

[CHORUS:]

I breathe you in again just to feel you

Underneath my skin, holding on to

The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I tell myself that you're no good for me

I wish you well, but desire never leaves

I could fight this til the end

But maybe I don't want to win

[CHORUS]

I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober

I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes

And I won't wake up, no not this time.

[CHORUS]

A familiar taste of poison

This song, basically meant for me that "Yeah, this could be really great with what you're promising.  But, with having to hurt many I love to do this, it would start and I think end in a toxic relationship.  It's poisonous...I don't need it, but I want it.

I lamented to a friend (We'll say Nadia) about the "Desire never leaves".  I asked if she thought it would ever go away, to which she replied no, she didn't think so.

I was talking to another dear friend of mine about this new part of my soul that was hurting while I was exploring.  This is what she told me: To be immuned to a poison, you have to ingest a daily serving in small bits. In Egypt, a King knew he was going to be poisoned with arsenic, so every day he at appleseeds. Trippy, huh?

I had to agree, it was a beautiful analogy.  It was enlightening to say the least.  I shared this to Nadia and she said something just as profound and beautiful: Oh mama, that's rough. What a horribly appropriate analogy! Very true, keep it in perspective. What you have now is amazing, it's just what you really want in addition that makes it so tempting. The longing may not be as deep as it feels in the moment?  I totally get you. Not wanting to hurt other people, especially your favorite people, is the main reason we keep on the way we do, right?

What amazing friends I have!  Saying such soothing balm for my soul.  I hope this can be a balm for you too.  Heal the ragged soul within you.

And please, if you aren't as lucky as I, if you don't have this support system, e-mail me.  I'm always here, right here to talk and listen.  I am (as well as all these readers) are your support group.  We love you, we are here for you during the rough seas.

<3, with all my heart,

Jessie