A Unique Situation-An E-mail From a Reader

Hello again!

This is an e-mail from "N".  There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through.  With her permission, she said I could post her story.  We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well.  As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!

This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:

I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.

I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.

My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.

We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.

I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.

While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.

I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.

I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.


I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.


My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that.  I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.


I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree. 


Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.


Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail!  I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be.  You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.

I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations.  Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you.  But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me.  Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes.  I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R.  I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night.  People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.

As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you.  That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't.  But that is between you and God to decide.  There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.

You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it.  To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now.  I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church.  They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you.  You don't need that right now.

Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children.  What do you teach those little ones?  Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life.  He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself.  No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!  Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.

Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.

<3

Jessie

"Why Do They Have To Flaunt It?"

The other day, I was speaking one of the other caretakers for my husband's Grandma.

We overlap on our shifts by about a half hour. We got on the subject if gays and lesbians, (I think there was something in TV talking about it.) She mentioned that her daughter's roommate is a lesbian. In my head I thought Yeah, sure...she's just a "roommate". She must have read my thoughts as she said her daughter has a boyfriend and the roommate has a girlfriend.

But she then said something weird. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why they have to 'flaunt' it."

My mouth dropped open, thankfully her back was turned. After thoughts of beating the ignorance out of her, I composed myself and asked, "What makes you think she flaunts it?"

Her response was even more confounding, "Well, they are always spouting it's not wrong, that the Bible's wrong. If they don't think it's wrong, then why are they always trying to tell others it isn't wrong?"

I tried to understand her logic, it didn't make sense. Before I could respond with a "what the hell?!" She shrugged and walked out of the room to go check on grandma.

I calmed down, but I didn't speak up. She's older and, at her age, I don't think giving her my soapbox would do any good.  So, I'll do my rant here:

Flaunt it? How do we flaunt it? We flaunt it because we want to kiss our gay lover on the street?  We flaunt it because we want to hold hands in public?  News flash: Lots of straight women hold hands a kiss...granted not frencher, but I do. I kiss my good girlfriends on the cheek and we do link arms.  Does that mean I'm gay?  Oh wait, bad example.

Is it our blood that flaunts when we bleed? Do we flaunt it when we're helping someone out?

What about this?!  I'm sick of straight people flaunting their love, their chance at marriage and wedding rings.  I'm sick of them flaunting their divorce papers around saying, "This is the last time I'm done!"  Do THEY have to flaunt it all the time.

Granted, there are a few people that do "flaunt it" on a daily basis.

But most of the time, we flaunt it during one week in our cities...Pride Week.  But, I think they're jealous.

Cause let's face it.  We just look so damn fabulous!

Hope you had a good laugh as well!

<3

Jessie

LGBT Missionaries

Tonight's post is a link to an amazing talk writen by a dear friend; nay my brother from another mother; Mitch Mayne.

For those who haven't heard of him, Mitch is the first openly gay Mormon to hold a calling.  He has influenced many people and have sometimes saved them from themselves...me included.

He has been a big key in helping me see the love and accept this part of me while maintaining my testimony of the gospel.  He and Nadia were also my main cheerleaders to start this blog!   I'm hoping to one day find the time to do a Q&A with him, but our schedules are so conflicting! Lol

He hit the nail on the head with this one! LGBT Missionaries.  Please read the article and then finish My post!

It is our job to be missionaries as the underdogs... it is up to us to make these changes.

One reader told me that "change begins in the pews." Meaning, if we're not there every Sunday, it won't change.

So, despite the ignorance that sometimes spews from those over the pulpit, raising their hand in Sunday School or Relief Society, go, show up. Be strong.  By just being there, you will eventually drum up the courage to speak out.  It probably won't be to say "I'm gay and what you're saying is very hurtful." I'm not even there yet!

But it could be something little, then a little more...and soon, most everyone, will understand what someone like us is feeling (they still might not agree, but hey, it's a start!)

Line upon line, precept upon precept,  here a little there a little.

Love you with all my heart!

<3

Jessie

An Unexpected Call of Longing

About a month ago, a reader asked me to go more indepth with my struggles.  So, here we go, this one will be very deep and very personal.  I am opening my soul and showing you the scars.

In my blog post Q&A #2, I mentioned about an old co-worker that had said she loved me...and not like a sister.  We were really good friends. We competed for commissions at work, we laughed and joked, and stepped in to defuse a rough situation with an irate person.  I had a knowledge that if she didn't respect me, or I didn't have such a solid marriage; things, WOULD have happened.

Well, five years ago, she up and married an Army man and moved away.  I remember, feeling sad that one of my buddies was gone.  But, I also remember feeling so grateful that she did move away, that my temptation was removed.

Only recently did I finally tell her something she knew all along...that I was bi too.  She laughed and said, "I KNEW it!  Oh, babe, I wished I'd have been there to help you through it!" I laughed too, grateful for another  supporter in my corner.

We see each other on facebook (fb), we text and very rarely call.  Well, last week I was asking her (via fb) if she had heard of the band Halestorm.  I'm a HUGE fan.  It doesn't help that I also have a HUGE crush on the lead singer! lol.  She mentioned she's never heard of them, I told her when I got the chance, I'd send some video links. Tonight, I saw that she was online and missing everyone here, in her hometown.  We started chatting and I remembered to send her over the links I promised.  I started to do that.

I do need to pause and say something important regarding this incident. In the past, she has been drunk while telling she loved me...tonight, she was stone cold sober.

Then my phone rang.  It was her.  We talked and caught up, had a great time.  Then she turned to the more personal subject...us...even though there never really was an "us".  She told me she loved me, and that she always has.  That she would get so excited seeing me come through the door at work, or she'd be mad if I called in.  I had a very real, very deep visceral reaction.  I hadn't felt that in a long time...it took me a minute realize what just happened.

Longing.  I haven't had anyone other than my husband profess those words to me and make me feel this way.  It wasn't, by far to the magnitude that I've felt with my husband (something he still makes me feel).  But it was there, it was real, it was a re-opened scar.  I must admit, it scared me a bit.
I'm having a big what if moment right now.  What if I was the one she ran away with, not him...what would my life had been like?  Would we be happy?  Would we have kids? Would we last?

I sit here tonight pondering those questions.  I'm giving them more thought tonight than I normally do.  This woman was the closest thing to a girlfriend without doing more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  Hell, I even wrote a song/poem about it. And, from the sounds of it, there will probably be another one coming up soon.

She did mention she was hoping to come visit her folks soon.  I am filled with mixed emotions on this.  I would LOVE to see her, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see her.

So, this was a very raw, very emotion-driven post tonight.  It has been a bit of a relief in itself to write this...getting this off my chest.  I hope, that bearing this deep part of me, you find what you're looking for.

<3

Jessie

I Pick Up Chicks

I've always found that I'm always in the right place at the right time, even though I might not see it until later in the day.

Take today for instance; my plan was to go to "work" (I take care of my husband's grandma daily. She has dementia).  Run to Costco, and then run to the bike shop to pick up my bike that needed a little tweak.

Our exchange student suddenly called and needed something from home before 1 p.m., but I was too far away from home. Luckily hubby was home. So, I pulled over (no talking on cell phones...bleck) and sat for about 15 minutes getting everything taken care of.  Then, at Costco, there was a HUGE line...very weird for a Monday. I then went clear across the other part of town to pick up my bike.  On my way home, I found a couple bucks in my car as my tummy rumbled, I thought I'd grab a burger.  Something said, "Nah, you can wait till you get home." So, I did.

On my way home, I saw a woman stranded, trying in vain to flag someone down to help. I pulled over, she said she needed a jump. I turned my car around, got my bike off the rack, shoved the groceries to the back and dug to get my jumper cables. We hooked it up, she tried starting it and her car started smoking. I offered her a lift, she declined saying her sister is coming. I asked if she wanted me to stay until she came. She said no. So, I went, repacked the car, put my bike back up and continued home.

I was maybe two miles from home, when I saw an older woman, probably in her 60's, walking.  We live a little outside the city limits, so she still had about 2 miles to go to the nearest houses.  I slowed downed and hollered, "You want a ride?" She smiled and yelled "Yes!" and came running over.  We talked on our way, and she's was really thankful because she wore some sandals that aren't good walking and had a ways to go.  I dropped her off, waved goodbye and headed home.  And I came to a realization...

I pick up chicks.  I pick them up when they're in need.  I RARELY stop to help guys...and I think it's mainly a safety reason.  The last time I did, was in a blizzard in the middle of nowhere and the guy was waving people down in the middle of the road...I almost hit him...they hit a patch of ice and got stuck in a bank and couldn't get out.  But, the spirit told me I'd be okay.

But, in the midst of the craziness of things not going right, there was something right. I was able to come to the aid of not one, but two daughters of God.  My hope is that you will find this inspiring and pass it along.  There is so much hate in this cruel world...we need more of just touching someone's life for a second and leave them feeling better.  But please, do NOT do it just because I've said so.  Follow the spirit...there have been times that I knew I shouldn't pull over, even when it was a chick.  Safety is always first!

Charity is the full love of Christ.

<3

Jessie