Hello again!
This is an e-mail from "N". There won't be much advice on this one, because this is a unique situation, one I am not going through. With her permission, she said I could post her story. We are doing this in the hopes of reaching out to more people who may be in this situation as well. As with the purpose of this blog, this post is to show that WE are not alone in ANY situation!
This post is a condensed version of several e-mails:
I've recently stumbled across your blog as I was trying to find a way to not have this guilt That I do from what we learn and have been taught in being LDS. Thank you.
I'm not really looking for advice, but someone I can talk to who is Bi and LDS.
My back-story:
I've been married for 15 years, sealed have 4 children and recently came out to my husband. It's been a roller coaster of a ride.
We talked about how I know I should have before we married told him but I was ashamed and just found it easier to hide it. I've pretty much have hidden who I really am my entire life. All life choices have been to make others happy. And by keeping it bottled up, I've exploded. I knew I was bi in college and was called out by my dad all because of a picture I had done with my best friend (and crush) at that time. I didn't think twice about it, and even my mom never would have guessed I was bi because of this picture. But somehow he called me on it. I made a point to prove everyone he told wrong. I even got pregnant and at that time was like, see, not gay dad.
I still want to believe I'm a good Christlike person. However I have found myself drinking again, not sure if it's to relax or because I stopped drinking originally for everyone else and not myself.
While I wish I've been as strong as you in maintaining a monogamous relationship, I have fallen in love with a women. And because of her, this is why I came out to my husband.
I never meant to love her. I couldn't stop myself and I've tried many times to stop.
I love my husband and all the reasons why I fell in love with him is still there. I don't want to leave him. And luckily he doesn't want to leave me. It's been a scary few months.
I've even had sex with her. And enjoy it.
My husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to lose me. And if that means sharing me he does that. I feel so selfish. And I can't stop. Sometimes I wish he'd say stop or else. But then that push might actually cause us to divorce.
I am hoping that I'm doing this because I've bottled myself up and that one day I'll be back to who I was. Living a Better life, monogamous. I just don't know how to get there. Especially because how much I love her. Yes right now I don't want to leave my husband. Maybe it's because of our young kids (youngest is 3). Maybe I will leave if she's still around in 5-10 years down the road. Or maybe someone else will come into the picture. What I do know is that my husband and mine's relationship has become stronger because of it all. Because of me dating a women, and us overcoming that, we are learning to communicate more. We have a stronger marriage. In my husbands opinion, if we can overcome this we can overcome a lot more and I agree.
Because of me having sex with her and I do continue seeing her, A weekend every couple weeks or month, I'm questioning whether or not I belong in the church. I don't want to stop because I love my calling (nursery) and I know I believe in the gospel. But I'm doing nothing but sinning. I am still wearing my garments. I can't bring myself to not wearing them. Of course though when I go out to drink or am with her, I don't. I feel so at a loss.
Dear "N", Thank you for your e-mail! I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay.
I'm sorry that your Dad tried to "out" you, that is not how a family should be. You obviously weren't ready to admit it and him acting that way to you sure didn't help.
I do want to comment on the drinking, I have had drinks before and completely understand that it is a way to deal with stressful situations. Doctor's have said a glass of wine a day is actually good for you. But this is where the Word Of Wisdom (WOW) is on a case by case basis...and this is going to be a soap box for me. Everything in the WOW is said "Not to be used except for medicinal purposes." I drink herbal teas, I think they are MUCH healthier than kool-aid, which seems to be a staple in LDS homes. I do on occasion drink coffee, it is NASTY...but I get migraines and asthma, and when my normal meds don't work, I go to the coffee before the E.R. it's amazing how a $3 cup of joe can fix a problem that would cost me $1,000 at the E.R. I also get upset when people give me crap over drinking coke (yes, I LOVE coke!) when they have a giant piece of meat every night. People pick and choose what they want to get out of the WOW, they are just looking for a reason to be uptight with you.
As for the garments, I have seen and heard personal experiences from family that even if you are NOT living what the church deems a "worthy life", the garments will still help you and protect you. That being said, if you do not feel comfortable wearing them, don't. But that is between you and God to decide. There are times I don't feel comfortable wearing them, like when I cycle, so I don't.
You said you were in nursery, and you love it there, you don't want to leave the church because of it. To me, that says you have a testimony, but it's a bit shaky right now. I'm afraid if you leave nursery and go into Relief Society, you will not go to church. They don't know what's going on in your life and they can and will say things (on purpose or not) that will hurt you and embarrass you. You don't need that right now.
Instead, take in what you do in nursery, the joy and innocence of God's little children. What do you teach those little ones? Basically, that God loves YOU and Jesus wants us all to be Sunbeams. He LOVES YOU despite what is going on in your life. He LOVES YOU despite how you feel about yourself. No matter WHAT you have done that is deemed "wrong" in your life, HE STILL LOVES YOU!! Remember, it is in the darkness that we can see the light better and help guide us back to the path we are meant to be on. It is in those cracks and imperfections that the light gets in and we can see within our souls the sunbeams that we have learned about.
Many hugs and prayers to you that you may find the path that is right for YOU and makes You happiest.
<3
Jessie
This is my first time to this blog, didn't even know there was such a blog! I saw it posted on Pinterest & clicked it because I too am bi-sexual (fairly recently accepting that 'status') and LDS, although I stopped attending this summer.
ReplyDeleteAs to this particular issue, I'm not in this situation either. I'm married, my husband knows, but the only woman I've been intimate with was about 15 years ago as a teen, once. I do think about women & have had attractions in passing & to a couple women that I'd worked with but I haven't worked out of the home in almost a decade & don't have many friends outside the church so I haven't been in a position where feelings might develop. I can't imagine being in your position and the conflict you must feel.
The only thing I can say about that concern is that, as it relates to the church, I think it would be like any other extra marital relation & will take a lot of communication & prayer, possibly counseling or talking with the bishop depending on the decision by both of you.
As to the drinking only, I used to drink as a teen, stopped when I got pregnant, but have drank here & there both in reaction to stress & for enjoyment. I would always feel horrible & not wear my garments for days afterward. I talked to two different bishops about that & when I told the second that I'd removed my garments for feeling guilty he asked me why, that there wasn't a need to do that, that we can be hard on ourselves & that perfection is not expected.
Years ago I struggled with reconciling my feelings about marriage equality with what the church teaches. I prayed about that & felt a peace about my position & standing in the church in that regard. In recent years with the presidential election & the issue of Boy Scouts & openly gay members (I was the Cubmaster at the time) things got kicked up again. I was online a lot & the articles or posts I would read on cultural issues and the church or members got very heated. I felt increasingly agitated & stressed, especially at church even though not much was ever said to me personally. I started having other concerns about how modesty is handled at church & then reactions the recent Wear Pants to Church day. It all made me so sad to read comments with such a lack of compassion & sometimes hatred. I felt complicit in the popular culture of the church's attitude toward these oft-maligned groups. I didn't have a clue what to do. I'm not strong, I don't like confrontation & can barely talk about food issues I'm passionate about without uncertainty or feeling nervous let alone such divisive issues as LGBT rights. I generally don't share my feelings about these topics with my church friends. I prayed about what I should do. I didn't really receive an answer. I looked online for people in similar situations (just like you are-I so understand the desire to get the advice of someone who's been through it). I found some who left and some who stayed & there were lots of reasons for both, some of them the same reason for staying as another's reason for leaving. I even read a comment on a blog post from a previous bishop that asked the author why she stayed in the church when she didn't agree with the church's obvious position on the sanctity of marriage. That hurt. After a time I made the decision to leave the church. I prayed about that specific decision & felt a peace about it.
I'm not saying that you should leave, only that sometimes we need to make a decision & pray if that's right for us. Again, it will take a lot of honest communication with your husband & realistic talk of possible outcomes. We can't know for sure the exact path our actions will take- ..the best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry..& all that.
Like Jessie said, Heavenly Father loves you. I wish you guidance & peace.
I'm on Pintrest?! Cool! Lol
DeleteWelcome to the blog and your words of comfort.
Your absolutely right about praying for the right path...she needs to decide what is best for her.
As for you and leaving for your stance on marriage, there are more of us than you think. We're in the early stages of this...we believe in mondern revelations...and that is done is by us in the pews. If no one demands changes, it won't change. All in due time.
:)
Jessie
Hello:
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through such a tumultuous time right now in your life. I remember when I first realized I was bisexual... and then later, five years later after I stopped being greedy, I realized I was gay...It was a hard situation to be in. I grew up strict Greek Orthodox and my parents are from Greece.. So you know they were not accepting at all. My dad still doesn't know although I haven't spoken to him since 2000 and my mom is just now getting a grip and I am 40 and she learned of it when I was 24.
Let's start with the church. You go to church for you and for no one else. So long as you are still getting something good out of going to church and being involved, then stick with it. Don't let others dissuade you. It is your relationship with your Divine that matters. No one can change how you feel about religion and the church but yourself!
Next... Your hubby... He seems to be very smart. Most men, knowing that their women like other women and like to sleep with them, know that so long as they allow a little freedom and do not get jealous, that it will work out in their favor. What I mean by that is, that you are in no rush to divorce your hubby and he loves you in spite of your conflicts and therefore by allowing you some leniency you come back to him over and over again and are more attentive, loving, wild, sexually uninhibited and totally in love with him. He gets all the good stuff!!! That means, your sex life went from nice to xx explicit and he gets to enjoy all of that which comes with it.. Smart man.
Meanwhile you get what you need that he cannot give and will never be able to give you.. that's is what you get out of being with a woman and loving a woman.
You do not have to terminate your marriage or stop having a girlfriend. Many people have both and for a long time. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend for three years. I was a busy girl!! lol
Really, its because you have opened yourself up to a different love that makes what you and your husband share so unique and so intense. Its not a comparison or a who is better than who, its a lets share and benefit from everything we see and learn and experience. If you think he isn't benefitting from you sleeping with a woman. think again. Your man could never be as tender as your girlfriend and your girlfriend could never f*&k you hard like your man can! Its the best of both worlds. At least if you are truly bisexual. Enjoy it and quit wasting time being anxious and guilty and regretful. Life is meant to be lived. Trust me its short..
Sorry for being a bit brash. I was trying to get my point across without the vulgarities but sometimes it is not as effective that way! You're a person who deserves to be loved, cherished , honored and cared for by whomever you choose and whomever chooses you. Enjoy that you have two and most people never get one honest person to do that for them.
Regardless, it is not an easy road and people will judge you. See this movie called "Elena Undone". It might help clear some cobwebs. Good luck. :-)
Hugs,
Greek From Florida Out!
Wonderfully put Greek!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I stumbled across your blog today, and you just seem like such a lovely and wonderful person. I was raised in Utah but not LDS. I have a couple close friends who are LDS, and lately I've felt drawn to some of the LDS teachings. However, I am bi, I drink occasionally, and I come from a more liberal background than most LDS families. I therefore don't think I could ever join the church, but it's so nice to know there are people like you in the church who are so willing to openly embrace someone who is struggling without passing judgement. Thanks for your blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry I missed this! Thanks for your comment! Come anytime! You can sit by me! :-)
DeleteI'm so sorry I missed this! Thanks for your comment! Come anytime! You can sit by me! :-)
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