Never Talk To A Lesbian When You're Confused As Hell

Okay, so this is going to be lengthy, but there is a lot to cover.

So, a year ago, I had an unexpected thing happen. A confession if you will. There is a girl, who is bisexual and a dear friend that I have a crush on. She lives in another state. A little over a year ago, I happened to be nearby and we met up to visit. It was there, that I suddenly blurted out that I had feelings for her. I instantly regretted my decision. I'm married, she's married, I didn't want to lose my friend...see all the above. She reassured me there it was okay, but even for days after seeing her, I worried and fretted. She at one point told me, "Do you regret saying it?! Don't you DARE! I see how you and your hubby are so in love, and for you to want to share a piece of your heart with me, I am deeply honored." And well, we left it at that. She is the first girl I've said something like that to. I've had feelings for other women, but not something I've ever told them.

Fast forward to two months ago, and I'm back in her area. Things have been very rocky in her life, and I am totally worried about her. I wanted to see how she was physically doing. Our visit was short but good. We touched briefly on last year's unexpected confessions, and she again said she was honored. Which, isn't a rejection, but also, not a 'yes, I like you like that too.'

So, this week, something happened in her life. I found myself happy for her, and then the situation changed again...and I was devastated for her. I don't understand, and I really hope I don't ever have to understand.

Being a song writer, I turned to pen and paper. When I have a song inside me, I can't function right until the song is out on a page. When it isn't like this, it takes me FOREVER to write a song...but when it's like this, it takes me mere minutes. I'm writing and rhyming so fast that I don't have to time fully grasp what I am writing. So, I wrote, I wrote fast and beautifully. When I went to edit it, I was taken aback...the song that started off as a friend talking to a friend turned into a plea of love. To run away from it...to run to me.

Needless to say, I FREAKED OUT!!! I texted two friends, one is straight, one is a lesbian, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Straight friend is like, "Oh no, I think it just sounds super supportive." While my lesbian friend is all, "Damn, you got it bad."

So, me and lesbian friend dissected everything...and she came to the conclusion that I'm on the line, and it's just getting thinner. And then she told me how awesome sex with a woman is...that I'll never want to go back if I experience it right. My response? "I should hope for a bad experience then."

Which, is not my normal response. I talked with straight friend over conclusions. She said I need a third opinion. lol

Man, this has been a hard couple of days. It's hard to keep up sometimes.  You have people telling you, "You have one life, live it to the fullest." and then you have your religious upbringing (which I still follow) beating you on the head saying, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

And that's the million dollar question...What the hell is wrong with me? We are told as LDS that it is okay to be gay, but not act upon it. But then, you're taught you're created after God's own likeness. And if you are, and it is okay to be gay, how can God be so cruel as to say you can't love who you want, rather it be a boy or girl?

So, my advice on this? You'll get the answer you want depending on who you ask...and sometimes it will make you even more confused than you already are.

Love you all and am still confused as hell,

Jessie