Hello my loves!! I wanted to first thank you for your emails regarding concern for my welfare. You're wonderful! My last bog was a very raw, emotional and hard for me to write.
Second I wanted to say yes, I am okay. REALLY!
I wrote the blog in the middle of a hard day...well, hard few days.
In previous blogs, I have stated I have hard days, but I've never really gone into full detail about them. I've always come back to the "I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him" rhetoric. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about wanting to.
Why I am I telling you this? Because from your emails I've read and responded to over the years, this is a REAL issue. It is not just a wayward thought like, "Oh, damn that person is hot, I could tap that...What the hell did I just think?!" This is something that is a real, painful struggle. Something that most of us fight with. These issues aren't just an errant thought. They are deep, soul searching issues, and they can really do a number on us. They can make our heads spin until we are physically sick from it all. I think I gained 10 pounds this week from all the emotional eating. Ugh.
I did write another song as I went about the week. The last part of it, after I wrote it...I went "Whoa!" it was very eye opening for me.
It was basically saying that no matter what I choose, there will be regrets...both good and bad and I need to weigh those out, because of the casualties that it will leave in it's wake. Do I keep the regret and casualties at a minimum, with me keeping my family and marriage intact while I secretly sometimes pine to be with a woman, or do I go after this, make my kids and husband suffer for something that may or may not be a good thing for me? What will the degree of my regret be then? For me, right now, I am still not okay with hurting my family more than myself. In a true mother's way, I am willing to take the bullet, to suffer over this than put those I love in harms way.
The last part of the song basically stated that this back and forth will eventually make me insane. And I fully believe that. The back and forth, the struggles, the yearnings and the beating myself up over and over again...it is a hard burden to carry. So hard. I am especially mad at myself for all this back and forth.
Once again, I am not here to judge you or tell you how you're handling your situation is the wrong way. All I want to say is to stop beating yourself up. We are told to forgive each other because it is a commandment of God...but we forget time and time again that we need to include ourselves in that forgiveness.
Forgive yourself. You are human, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are loved by many people and loved by the Lord. Breathe, pray and forgive yourself.
And if you need someone to talk to, I am here, always, patiently waiting to lend an ear, a hug and love.
Until next time,
<3
Jessie
Hi, Jessie,
ReplyDeleteHere's another way to look at the "make your husband and kids suffer for your choices" thought.
Ah, this could be a very long note. But I'll keep it way short. I am 61 now. When I was 45 I figured out I am a Lesbian after a lifetime of not seeing what was right in front of my face.
My husband and I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with an otherwise outstanding partnership - this news, frankly, came as a huge relief to both of us. And not a surprise to anyone we knew, as it turned out.
At the time out two boys were 13 and 15. Lots of stuff going on with all of us. Lots of reasons to say - no, I can't upset this apple cart even more.
But, upset the apple cart we did.
And the apples are fine. When the then 13 year old graduated from high school, he wrote me a letter to the effect of - THANK you for doing exactly what you did because you gave me the strongest message possible to be myself. Which he has gone on to do in amazing ways.
Wil and I are still best friends, still love each other. Still help each other out. And support the relationships we have moved on into. We set the intention, when we made our move, to look at it not as breaking apart our family, but of expanding it. We all attract really cool people and there are just more and more of them in our lives.
I also believe that somehow, life ran a little interference. I started getting attracted to, and even approached a couple, women when my kids were much younger. Nothing happened and it really feels like there was a force saying - "nah. Not now. You've got very young kids. Let's take a pass for now." And then it feels like, one day it was OK. Whether it was life itself, or my own unconscious permissions, who knows...at any rate, it became OK, and it has turned out beautifully. And messily. And painfully, with moments of joy and regret. And everything, just like all the rest of life. Happily, it's my choice, what to do with the joy and regret. Let it all move on through and just keep showing up and living.
big hugs to you in all your sharing, thanks!
Wow! Thank you so much for your story! I appreciate it! I do love it when I get responses like yours saying, "Yeah, I've been there too...it's scary as hell, but it'll be okay!" This is why I write it! So others will know they're not alone.
DeleteAs for me right now? I'm happy in my little bubble of "Lalalala I'm not listening!" :-)
Wow! Thank you so much for your story! I appreciate it! I do love it when I get responses like yours saying, "Yeah, I've been there too...it's scary as hell, but it'll be okay!" This is why I write it! So others will know they're not alone.
DeleteAs for me right now? I'm happy in my little bubble of "Lalalala I'm not listening!" :-)