Okay guys, I've been holding this one in my hand for awhile. I haven't known what to say. After this weekend's General Conference, I feel so much better about what I'm going to say.
So, this is the second part question from "M":
How do you stop yourself from feeling "dirty" about yourself?
Well, it's a hard question, especially when you here who we think of as an Apostle of God standing proud and firm at the pulpit repeating the phrase "Marriage between a man and a woman only." or "These so-called 'same-sex' marriages are a sin." I have to admit, I was on a spiritual high, and then hearing Dallin H. Oaks speak made me cringe and feel awful.
It's so hard, when we've grown up in the era of the Prophets saying, "Only to act on homosexuality is a sin." meaning that "it's okay to have these feelings, we just have to resist the urge."...however, it you are older than a teenager and grew up in the church, that was NOT what was preached over the pulpit...I remember as a youth, feeling horrible Sunday after Sunday when these feelings would hit and then I'd just feel horrible, like I was doing something wrong in my life. But no, I was going to church, I was doing what I was supposed, I was following the commandments...and this is what I am left feeling?
So, I did what most of us did in the 90's, we took it and bottled it up. I went to an LDS college, I dated good, LDS men...I even dated one who struggled with bouts of homosexualty on his own. We decided we were better being friends, and he was a best friend while up there. He opened up and said things to me that I know only a Bishop had heard.
Then, I came back home from college for a break, and the Elder I had dated in high school came home, we fell even further in love...we got engaged...I told him one night nervous and in a joking way that if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark ever asked me out, I would probably go...(you can bet my husband had a near heart attack when I mentioned I just bumped into Terri Clark at the hotel I worked at! A few years back! lol)
And everything was fine, I was fine, he was fine, we were very happy. Then that e-mail that I cursed but now am thankful for came out...asking me to have an affair...it was so horrible, yet so tempting at the same time. It brought it all back, and in full force.
Lots of talking with friends, husband and this blog has really helped. It's very hard not to feel guilty about it all, and some days, it gets to me...but you know who that is? That is just the opposition, making you think that you are not good enough how you are...that there is something wrong with you. But that's just not the case. When people say you're not born with it, I get so upset...I don't know why I am the way I am, but I know that when I have a sexual dream, it's usually a girl than a guy...last night even, I was engaged to a REALLY hot blonde chick (not usually my type! lol)...so I know that somewhere in my subconscious I do like girls too.
I guess for me, when it all broke loose, it came out with how much I love my husband and am willing to make our marriage and covenants we've made in the temple work.
You have to know that God loves you, he is always there for you...and yes, sometimes we will hear things that make us feel horrible, make us think we're not good enough...treat them like you would somebody hating on you're religion...let it roll off your back and laugh.
Will you maybe lose friends and family if this gets out. Yes, you can...and there are still some family members I am not out to because they wouldn't understand. But, where you might lose a friend, you'll gain two more that were more loving and understanding than the former was...they will love you for who you are.
And that, my dear, is beautiful!
<3
Jessie
