Q&A #6 How Did You Tell Your Husband?

Hello everyone!  After a few weeks of utter chaos (yet again, lol) I'm finally able to sit down, breathe and collect my thoughts. I am sorry that it does take me a while sometimes to answer.  But I like to have a quiet moment and I try and lead my thoughts and answers through the spirit.

This two part question comes from "M", I will answer her second question in another post:

"I do have a question about coming out to your husband, how did you do it and how did he take it?  I've been dating a great guy for a year and a half and I totally love him.  But I don't want to hide something so prominent about myself from him.  I don't know how to tell him, and I'm scared he'll leave.  I'm scared because I think we will get married and have a family. I don't want to mess that up, but I don't want to hide myself from him."

M, this is a very hard question to answer. There is no perfect answer.  It depends on the man and how secure he is and how much he does love you.  I do have one question for you, and I think this would be a make or break deal for you.  Have you guys talked about homosexuality in the past?  What does he think about it?

If he is disgusted by it or thinks it's wrong, then you will have a hard road ahead.  Either having to end the relationship or hide it forever.  Neither is a good option, but I would say break it off instead of hiding yourself, because the longer you hide it, the more bottled up it gets.  Trust me, it will come out.  It might not be for decades, but it will come out.  And it's best that you do it on your terms instead of having a slip of the tongue one day.

If he is okay with homosexuality, then, there is hope for you guys!  I told my hubby (fiancee at the time), that I will love him forever and ever, but if Angelina Jolie or Terri Clark asked me out, I would probably say yes.  He took it in good stride until a few years ago when everything that was bottled up came back to bite me pretty hard on the ass.  I got an e-mail from a "friend" asking me to have an affair with her.  I was crushed and heartbroken that someone would do that.  There was a closet way in the back of my soul where these demons just laid in wait for their moment to pounce.

And believe me, it sucked.  It sucked so hard.  I cried, hubby cried...I even ran away from home for the day.  My poor hubby, he thought for awhile that I was done, that I was leaving him for good.  It was a cold December day, I drove 4 hours away to one of my favorite spots in the world, mama ocean.  It was there that I sat in a cove sheltered by the cold rain and prayed and prayed and prayed.  I don't think I have ever prayed that long before.

But, with that praying and being so close to my Heavenly Father that day, I felt so much better about myself, and I knew that we'd all be okay.  I knew that we would have bumps along the way, but in the end we would be stronger for that.

That being said, it doesn't mean we don't have hard days about it and that he gets insecure that he's not "man enough" for me.  He does have days where the fear in the back of his mind gets to him.

In fact, just last week.  We were talking about the news about women in the church starting a movement to be ordained in the Priesthood.  He seemed very upset by my responses when we were talking.  My responses were such that I'm okay with women holding the Priesthood, women were ordained in the early church, we as women today are allowed to use the Priesthood when needed (i.e. if there is a sick/hurt person and no Priesthood holders to administer, we as women can.  I have in fact, I had to one time and I have seen it done before), but having that gift to hold the priesthood is not something I think I am ready for.  It is a very sacred, serious gift.  But I am very okay with women given the opportunity to do so.

He was visibly upset about the whole conversation.  Later on, I asked him why he was being "such an ass" about it, when I was just stating true facts.  He sheepishly replied, "If you hold the priesthood, what good am I to you?  Deep down inside, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm afraid you'd leave me for another woman."

I gave him a big hug and kiss and said, "Baby, it's been 10 years, if I was going to leave, I would have done so by now.  You are my best friend, my lover, my husband, and an amazing dad.  We're stuck with each other.  I'm not going anywhere."

So, like I said there is no perfect answer. It depends on his reactions. Don't hide it, be honest with him. If he can't accept this part of you, then he never was yours in the first place. It's better to have a broken heart now than ten years down the road when there are kids involded...because once that happens, things can get ugly fast.

I'm not going to lie, this will be a hard thing to do. Because once you say it out loud to someone you love, whether it be a friend, family or your boyfriend, it becomes real.  Be prepared to answer questions.  Be totally honest and open with him, that way he can never accuse you of ever lying to him about this. I would pray about it and let the spirit guide you.

Good luck dear, there are many here that read this that are in your corner! Just breathr and know you are greatly loved by many!

<3

Jessie

I'm Not Going ANYWHERE!!

Greetings all!  It's me, again!

This will be quick, as I'm nodding off!  I am currently in bed with a million thoughts on my brain!  The main focus this week is making sure everything is set up for my son's baptism on Saturday!  Oh my goodness, how time does really fly!!

Anyhoo, I received a few beautiful e-mails from "M". I've never received anything from her before, but I was very humbled by her message of struggle, anxiety, and acceptance within herself.  She has asked me a few important questions that I keep trying to get to, but life keeps getting in the way!

...you know life, the times where you can't seem to get a peaceful moment within the day to yourself unless you lock yourself in the bathroom JUST to get some peace and quiet for two minutes.  Why two minutes? Because that's about the time it takes for my two year old to bust down the barrier keeping her in the living room, have her and my 8 year old tag team me with questions about homework and dinner while little fingers wiggle under the door and I hear whispers of "Hi mama!" followed by knocking asking when I'm going to be done.

Well, one thing really struck me about M's e-mail. She asked me to not stop, because when she's having a really hard day, she comes and reads my blog because it helps her through bad days.

Well M, I'm here to tell you girl, I am NOT going anywhere!  Things might be a little chaotic right now and I'm not getting the blogging done I would like.

But PLEASE know, that my e-mail account is linked to my phone.  I get all you e-mails rather quickly!

I am always here, Biandlds@gmail.com!  If you're having a really bad day and just need to talk but can't wait for my next blog, shoot me an e-mail!

One big thing I want to say in closing is this, I know that sometimes we all feel alone. Especial when people deem our feelings as "wrong" or "sinful". Please, PLEASE remember you are not alone in ANY of this dear M! (this includes the rest of you too!)

That is why I started this blog.  It's hard to be so open and raw here on the internet...but, the more e-mails I get, the stronger this blog becomes. It is not just my thoughts out there swirling around the internet anymore.  This is becoming a support group where someone who might not understand what's exactly going on inside them, their feelings, etc.

This blog is becoming bigger and it's because all of you!  I just LOVE IT!!!

If you could only see all the emails I get!  We are a big support group, we all love and look out for each other, because we know what it's like to be on the outside looking in.

But you know what's cool?  Soon, there will be more people outside than in, and they will be wanting to join US because we have better food for the soul!

So, I'm not going anywhere, and neither all the readers.  We are here to stay!

We "freaks" have to stick together!!

All my love!

Jessie <3

Shame On Me? Shame On You!

Well, we're back into the swing of school and we've had SO much smoke from nearby fires that we've been cooped up in the house for three weeks. It's been awful!  And because EVERYONE in town is too and school started, we all have a hideous cold.

But enough about that.  That's not why I'm posting today.

So, as you guy have noticed I swear, not all the time, not often, but I do, and never in front of the kids... I think the worst thing I've said in front of my kids is "damn it!"

About a week or so ago, I posted a funny e-card on my wall and said, "yes, there are a few people I'd like to bitch slap now and again." or something to that point.

Well, a woman in the ward who I've known for years but aren't really friends (She's the sister-in-law of a dear friend of mine.) posted the word 'Language!!!!' yes, with 4 exclamation points.  Well, I started to get VERY defensive and wrote pretty much a nice "Fuck You!" to her...but before I hit send, I thought I'd better call my friend, who is also in the ward and MUCH more level headed than I. So, I did and we talked about it.  She advised me not to do anything, to ignore it, because it will start a big stink that I don't need...and then I remembered...her sister-in-law is our Relief Society Pres in our ward.  Yeah, I don't need that!

So, instead I chose a slightly "childish route" as my hubby said, and peppered my fb page with a bunch of swearing...mostly it was "hell's" and "damns" but there were some "bitches" and "shits" in there too.

But I wanted to so badly say "Shame on me?! Shame on YOU!"  EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE sins, makes bad choices.  Some, like mine are easier to see.  I have a tattoo, I have more than one hole in each ear (5 total).  My mom told me once she said to a friend about people judging her because she smoked but still attended church.  She said, "If everyone's sins stunk, no one would be able to sit through church." and that the same with me...just because you can see some what you think are "bad choices" on my part doesn't give YOU the right to be all high and mighty and judge me for it.

I go to church every Sunday, I even went to the temple last night and it was beautiful! And guess what?! They saw my piercings and still hugged me and treated me like a sister.  There was a man in there with a navy tattoo (can't see mine easily), and they treated him no different.

I've had people tell me MANY times before that they've always hated how Mormon's treated them and were reluctant to be my friend but then they found out who I was and said, "You're the coolest Mormon I know.  You treat everyone the same no matter what.  You love them and respect them, no matter what they've done or do." They've even at times have asked me questions, something they never thought was approachable before.  And I've always had an answer, thanks to the Spirit.

Jesus said love everyone and do not judge.  So, I try hard to follow that.  Even if it means breaking "the appearance" of being Mormon.  When I've talked to people that were so against the church before, I've always been excited, and I feel the spirit deep within me helping say the words that will fill their needs and answers.

Have any of them joined the church? No, not yet, but they part ways with me having a better respect for the Mormon Faith, that even a misfit like me can find joy and happiness in an often described "confining religion".

Christ was a misfit too, all the "cool" people wanted him dead, only the lepers, the prostitutes, the sick and poor...the misfits accepted him.  So why, of why would you tear somebody down for how she speaks?  I am honest, and if honest means a bit of swearing, so be it.  I'll continue doing what I'm doing and following in the footsteps of the ultimate misfit and love EVERYONE.

This song is called "Shame On You" by the Indigo Girls, my favorite line is "My friend Tanner, she says 'You know me and Jesus, we're of the same heart. The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fucking up'."

Enjoy! And just be yourself!!  It sucks to try to impersonate!

<3 Always,

 Jessie