Hold On, Hold On To Yourself, For This Is Going To Hurt Like Hell

I am a song writer, a poet, an all around musician.  So, I can't help but see my life in the lyrics of a song.

I am going through my e-mails, sipping on a coconut herbal tea, and have my iPod on shuffle.

I have in the last few days been thinking about officially coming out to EVERYONE.  But, I'm having doubts.  Mainly with my family.  And it's not that they don't support me, they do.  I'm worried about what they'll be put through over my decision to not just keep this among the few that know.  It's very sad.  I feel more open than I ever have.  If anyone comes up and asks me if I am bi, I tell them, "yes, I am." But that has only happened on rare occasion.  More often than not, I go running back to my closet whenever it is convenient.  It is still a little bit unnerving to think about: I am a very open and honest person...but I'm still not completely open and honest.

I am okay with repercussions of my actions, but am I forcing my family to deal with it too?

I worry about my husband, will this make him think I love him less?  When/if people ask him, what will he say?

My kids, while they're still young, my son is old enough to ask why he sees girls kissing each other or holding hands...this is not his fight.

My mom.  She already gets flack from a few of my cousins about my "life choices".  Namely my tattoo, some odd notion that I've gotten drunk before, and don't think I have good friends that I hang around.  She has enough going on to deal with anymore stress caused by my "actions" no matter how they're looked at.

Another thing, my two sister-in-laws know I am Bi and are awesome about it.  My mother-in-law?  I don't think she knows, she's the kind to confront me on something like that.  But she is anti-gay.  From comments she's made in passing, I don't know how she'll take me being Bi.

I have asked a very small group of friends and family for wisdom.  While it was full of amazing pearls, the main theme was, "When it's the right time, you'll know...and girl, we've got your back!"

So, this song that just came on was "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan.  I have stated before, she is one of my favorite singers.  She is just brilliant!  Well, the song is about her pleading to God about a male lover who is dying.

Some of the lyrics tonight, took on new meaning for me:

Hold on, hold on to yourself,
for this is going to hurt like hell
Hold on, hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing?
Am I in heaven here, or am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing

Wow.  Very powerful tonight indeed.  I think I found my answer.  I shall stay at the crossroads a bit longer waiting for the right time for me.  It's not the right time for everyone, we all have our  own times where we find our voice, and we do, we will shine brighter than anything else at that moment. For we are all Sunbeams.

So, for now, I shall remain to y'all as the lovely "Jessie".  I hope one day to have the courage of countless others to say, "Yup, I am, so what, deal with it."

Love to all,

Jessie