Hubby and I went on a spur of the moment trip out of town to a nearby lake. There is a boat that goes sailing around the lake around sunset with dinner and dancing included.
Dinner was great, we just enjoyed ourselves and the views. It was pretty chilly, so we stepped inside to watch the basically one man band. He was TOTALLY cheesy. It was great.
On quite a few songs, this older than they looked couple, would get up and start dancing. They did all sorts of dances, it was entertaining to say the least. But every time they got up to dance a slow song, you could just see the love radiating from them. It was so beautiful, so emotional, so passionate.
Later, I approached them and asked them how long they'd been together, over 40 years. I was amazed that after 40 years, they still held so much love for each other. I expressed how adorable they were and she said under spiky hair with a think southern accent, "Well bless you're heart, thank you!"
In life, we're all searching for that. Searching for that one person that you fall so hard for that you can't picture your life without them. That just about every moment you think, "I'm not going to love you anymore than I do right now." And in the morning, you're surprised how much more you already do.
It's beautiful, it's powerful, it's raw. I wish and hope everyone of you will find that.
<3
Jessie
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Did You Think To Pray?
Happy Sunday all!!!
Today, we sang the song Did You Think To Pray. This has, in recent years become one of my favorites.
The main reason is, when I was at a real low point, when my "friend" asked me to have an affair with her...I decided to head to the beach. It's a pretty long drive, and I had to do it on a Sunday. I was almost to the beach and was in a small little town and I looked at the time, it was almost noon. I thought I might be able to catch a little bit of church. I found the local LDS church and went in. I made it for Relief Society. The opening song was "Did You Think To Pray?" I just started to just sob. I then went to the beach, walked along a very drizzly, dreary, day and found a little alcove. There, I sat there on a long and prayed for over an hour. I've never prayed that long in my life. I just sat there, looking at the waves and quietly praying aloud.
I knew that I was a Child of God. I knew that despite all my flaws and no matter what I say or do, that I will ALWAYS have the love of my brother, Christ and of Heavenly Father. I felt so much weight and pain lifted off my shoulders. It was just beautiful!
So, on those days that you're having a hard time, struggling with who you really are, think of this hymn and pray! The heavens always love to hear your voice and will smile and shower blessing upon you.
Love to all!
Jessie <3
Today, we sang the song Did You Think To Pray. This has, in recent years become one of my favorites.
Ere you left your room this morning,
Did you think to pray?
In the name of Christ, our Savior,
Did you sue for loving favor
As a shield today?
Did you think to pray?
In the name of Christ, our Savior,
Did you sue for loving favor
As a shield today?
[Chorus]
Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don’t forget to pray.
Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don’t forget to pray.
When your heart was filled with anger,
Did you think to pray?
Did you plead for grace, my brother,
That you might forgive another
Who had crossed your way?
Did you think to pray?
Did you plead for grace, my brother,
That you might forgive another
Who had crossed your way?
When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?
The main reason is, when I was at a real low point, when my "friend" asked me to have an affair with her...I decided to head to the beach. It's a pretty long drive, and I had to do it on a Sunday. I was almost to the beach and was in a small little town and I looked at the time, it was almost noon. I thought I might be able to catch a little bit of church. I found the local LDS church and went in. I made it for Relief Society. The opening song was "Did You Think To Pray?" I just started to just sob. I then went to the beach, walked along a very drizzly, dreary, day and found a little alcove. There, I sat there on a long and prayed for over an hour. I've never prayed that long in my life. I just sat there, looking at the waves and quietly praying aloud.
I knew that I was a Child of God. I knew that despite all my flaws and no matter what I say or do, that I will ALWAYS have the love of my brother, Christ and of Heavenly Father. I felt so much weight and pain lifted off my shoulders. It was just beautiful!
So, on those days that you're having a hard time, struggling with who you really are, think of this hymn and pray! The heavens always love to hear your voice and will smile and shower blessing upon you.
Love to all!
Jessie <3
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Some Days Are Harder Than Others
So, my hubby read my posts and then asked me if I was having a hard time again. I replied no, that I just wanted to let people know that they're not alone.
However, some days are harder than others. I'll see a pretty girl on the street or on TV and think, "Wow!" and then other days, it doesn't even bother me. Take going to see the movie Rock of Ages. I was born in the early 80's and was raised on the music. It's was GREAT! There was this stripper pole dancing number, that most guys (and some girls) would have popped their eyes out at. Didn't even care, really notice.
It can be a daily struggle, and for most it is. For me, some days yeah, I will have a bit of a hard time, but everything always comes back to my wonderful family and honoring my covenants with them.
Love,
Jessie <3
However, some days are harder than others. I'll see a pretty girl on the street or on TV and think, "Wow!" and then other days, it doesn't even bother me. Take going to see the movie Rock of Ages. I was born in the early 80's and was raised on the music. It's was GREAT! There was this stripper pole dancing number, that most guys (and some girls) would have popped their eyes out at. Didn't even care, really notice.
It can be a daily struggle, and for most it is. For me, some days yeah, I will have a bit of a hard time, but everything always comes back to my wonderful family and honoring my covenants with them.
Love,
Jessie <3
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Questions
I am a very candid person and more than happy to answer any questions. Please, e-mail the question and I'll put it up and answer it on my blog. Please inform me if you wish to stay anonymous or not.
This blog has no room for hate. If you're a hater, don't bother. It's all about the love!
Love to all!
Jessie <3
This blog has no room for hate. If you're a hater, don't bother. It's all about the love!
Love to all!
Jessie <3
How I Came Out
For years, these feelings surfaced but I kept them to myself and never revealed to ANY ONE my "dirty secret". The only that ever knew was still my wonderful hubby.
One day, I am at a concert with 3 good girlfriends of mine. We're all married moms. We got on the subject some how and I revealed that I am Bi. We talked about it a little more and they pretty much told me I'm awesome and still love me...they however are not LDS.
That gave me strength and courage. I finally told my mom a little while later. Her response, "I'm not surprised." *whew*.
About a year later, I opened up to two close LDS friends of mine. One gave a shrug and kept moving along in the conversation...the other asked me a lot of questions to which I happily responded to. The next night, I went out with another friend in my ward. I laid mention that I have a HUGE crush on Angelina Jolie. Didn't think nothing of it. A little later that night, I had an anonymous email sent to me. It basically said, "Hey, I'm LDS and know your Bi. I am too. Let's hook up." And it just broke me. All those feelings that I had tucked away so deep and finally broke free. It was a brand new email address, and the only people besides my immediately family that had it, was anyone that had access to it was the Relief Society in my ward. And that's what hurt the worst. Someone in my ward, who knows me, knows my family is openly asking me to have an affair with her. She took something I said in confidence and went strait in for the kill. It hurt. It hurt bad. After an e-mail response back and a rather heated one from my hubby, I never heard from her again.
I approached one of my friends that I told and talked with her about it. She told me, "I wish it was me, that why I could say sorry and we could move on from this." We talked in depth about it. I was so sure that it was the other friend, the one that had asked all the questions. But I was assured it wasn't her because I was told she actually didn't know how to respond to it all with me and who I am.
After a couple of gut wrenching weeks, things started to settle...I started talking a little more openly about it all to more LDS people. My RS President, even my Bishop. I was actually greeted with a very warm response of love. It made things a WHOLE lot better.
The one friend that I used to hang out with a lot (and mentioned the Jolie crush) suddenly dropped off the face of the planet to me. She didn't text much, hardly responded back to me. I went back to my friend and we talked...she knew her and knew her history. She's inactive and has never been strong in the church and has a history of being Bi too. I also found out that she has a very up and down marriage. We were 99.9% she sent the e-mail to me and it fit the timeline as well as the sudden drop off of contact.
My friend asked me what I would do with this info. I told her, she is obviously in a very dark place, her marriage is broken, she's not active, never really has been active. I forgave her and tried hard to re-friend her and bring her back to church. So far, the efforts have not been fruitful about church, but we do talk more than we did, so there is still hope. I do wish to some day approach her about the e-mail.
But in the end, I am thankful for the e-mail. While it did break me for a while, in the end it made me stronger and made me more okay with my feelings than I have ever been before.
Much love,
Jessie <3
When I Knew
First of all, to make one thing clear. I've had people say, "You can't be Bi, you're married!" Yes, I can. Being married just makes me monogamous.
When did I know I was attracted to women as well as men? The realization probably hit around high school. I've never been glamorous and am a big tom boy. Yes, I wore make-up, but I was the total band geek, awkward girl that hadn't found her place. I had been called lesbian and other names. At one point I thought, "You know, if you think I am, then, fine, I am!" I was too shy and afraid to go actively seeking a woman, so I waited, and nothing happened. Being raised LDS and being told it is a sin, I buried those thoughts and feelings down deep. I kept my "dirty little secret" to myself.
Was it a struggle? Yes. Because for some reason people who are against LGBT community think we "choose" to be the way we are. To quote a cousin of mine that is gay, "Do people honestly think we'd choose to have this heartache, this horrible hatred toward us?! Not a chance. This is NOT a choice."
I have always loved powerful women and looked up to them. Strong women in music and movies have been very inspiring. I just LOVE chick fight scenes in movies. Angelina Jolie is still one of my favorite actresses since Tomb Raider.
A few years later, I am dating my now husband. I feel I completely lucked out that my soul mate happened to have male parts. If he didn't, this blog and my life would be completely different. I knew we were getting married, that he was the one for me. I felt I needed to tell him that yes, I like girls too, but I love you.
With all his heart, he still accepted me and loves me for who I am. He teases me about my guy and girl crushes and I tease him about his girl crushes, which is weird sometimes as we do find the same movie stars attractive.
Much love,
Jessie <3
When did I know I was attracted to women as well as men? The realization probably hit around high school. I've never been glamorous and am a big tom boy. Yes, I wore make-up, but I was the total band geek, awkward girl that hadn't found her place. I had been called lesbian and other names. At one point I thought, "You know, if you think I am, then, fine, I am!" I was too shy and afraid to go actively seeking a woman, so I waited, and nothing happened. Being raised LDS and being told it is a sin, I buried those thoughts and feelings down deep. I kept my "dirty little secret" to myself.
Was it a struggle? Yes. Because for some reason people who are against LGBT community think we "choose" to be the way we are. To quote a cousin of mine that is gay, "Do people honestly think we'd choose to have this heartache, this horrible hatred toward us?! Not a chance. This is NOT a choice."
I have always loved powerful women and looked up to them. Strong women in music and movies have been very inspiring. I just LOVE chick fight scenes in movies. Angelina Jolie is still one of my favorite actresses since Tomb Raider.
A few years later, I am dating my now husband. I feel I completely lucked out that my soul mate happened to have male parts. If he didn't, this blog and my life would be completely different. I knew we were getting married, that he was the one for me. I felt I needed to tell him that yes, I like girls too, but I love you.
With all his heart, he still accepted me and loves me for who I am. He teases me about my guy and girl crushes and I tease him about his girl crushes, which is weird sometimes as we do find the same movie stars attractive.
Much love,
Jessie <3
About Me
Hello! My name is Jessie. I am a VERY active, Latter-Day Saint (Mormon) married mother of two and am Bi-Sexual.
It is with my awesome husband's support that I start this blog. It's sole purpose is to tell my story and hope it touches people. I hope that it softens other LDS stigma of the LGBT community and shows people that we are ALL children of God, that we come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and yes, even orientations. I hope that others in my exact situation (and I know there are many!) know that they are NOT alone. :)
Is that my real name? No. Do I look like Kate Beckinsale? Some say I do...lol Sadly, I have in the past been met with person(s) who have caused troubles in my past about who I am and what I stand for, and I'm not ready to have that turmoil back in my life. So, I respectfully ask those who do know who I really am to respect my family's wishes for some privacy. I may eventually reveal my true identity, but as now, I will happily remain "Jessie". :)
I was born and have spent most of my life on the west coast. I love everything about it. The mountains, the desert, the ocean. I feel very close to our Father in Heaven when I am in nature.
As I said, I am an active Latter-Day Saint. I hold a current temple recommend and try to attend the temple as much as possible. I am the Primary and Ward Chorister. I studied Opera for two years at Ricks College. I have been very blessed in music and love to share it as much as I can. I am grateful my callings are such where I can happily use my talents.
I am and have happily married for almost 9 years. I met my husband in high school. We were just friends for years and actually fell in love over our 2 years in letter writing while he served his mission. We have two beautiful children. A 6 year old boy and a 9 month old girl. These three are my world. My husband is my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments!!!
It is with my awesome husband's support that I start this blog. It's sole purpose is to tell my story and hope it touches people. I hope that it softens other LDS stigma of the LGBT community and shows people that we are ALL children of God, that we come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and yes, even orientations. I hope that others in my exact situation (and I know there are many!) know that they are NOT alone. :)
Is that my real name? No. Do I look like Kate Beckinsale? Some say I do...lol Sadly, I have in the past been met with person(s) who have caused troubles in my past about who I am and what I stand for, and I'm not ready to have that turmoil back in my life. So, I respectfully ask those who do know who I really am to respect my family's wishes for some privacy. I may eventually reveal my true identity, but as now, I will happily remain "Jessie". :)
I was born and have spent most of my life on the west coast. I love everything about it. The mountains, the desert, the ocean. I feel very close to our Father in Heaven when I am in nature.
As I said, I am an active Latter-Day Saint. I hold a current temple recommend and try to attend the temple as much as possible. I am the Primary and Ward Chorister. I studied Opera for two years at Ricks College. I have been very blessed in music and love to share it as much as I can. I am grateful my callings are such where I can happily use my talents.
I am and have happily married for almost 9 years. I met my husband in high school. We were just friends for years and actually fell in love over our 2 years in letter writing while he served his mission. We have two beautiful children. A 6 year old boy and a 9 month old girl. These three are my world. My husband is my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)