So, we as a family have felt we need to move back to where what we consider home. I'm not originally from there, but hubby was born and raised there. Things have been very hard here and it would be nice to be closer to family. As many surgeries and ER visits we've had between the 4 of us, it's insane. Hubby and I both work, so it will be nice to not have to pay a babysitter, even cheap ones are expensive!
My best friend is there too, so it's just lining up to be amazing. So, why am I so melancholy the last few days? I thought it might be that I am missing my family...they've all gone back, and I'm here still working and packing. But, it's something more.
It dawned on me as I was heading home from friends house for dinner tonight. My closet is about to get tiny again. And I'm not sure I can handle it this time. Nor, should I even have to think about it. But it is big on my mind.
The city I'm moving back to is much smaller, and is still very much a Republican or "a red state" the last few elections, they've gone blue, but not but much. And I grew up Republican, no big deal. I still hold many views of the Republican party...but about 2005 is when I switched. I got tired of all the shit they spew, hating people different from them, whether a different skin color or sexual orientation. I know so many people there, especially LDS people. It's going to be hard to be myself.
The city we are moving from is very small, very much the modest community. But, I work in a big, bustling city of over 2 million people about 20 miles away. And, people don't care, they'll hug you, love you for you. It's been the first time in a long time that I've been fully free. I could be myself, and it was okay to be. People would look at me and wouldn't get weird or awkward. I was embraced. It is a beautiful feeling.
And now, here I sit freaking out about my closet. I've kept it ajar for so many years, even up here in certain circles (usually church) and it's been nice to keep it ajar and still be able to disappear when I needed a quick exit. But the thought of even retreating back further than I've ever stepped out, it hurts. I don't like the chains that bind, but at the same time, they offer safety.
I feel like I just want to say "fuck it" And goes balls to the wall, but I just don't think I could.
Welcome to the life of a complicated woman!
Love,
Jessie
